Falling
by Hikaru-wa-shiawase-ni-eien-ni
Summary: I'm broken and I keep falling ... but where am I falling? Am I falling right into your arms ... or am I falling into a dark void? Will you save me then, even as I push you away? Eventual Faberry, a lot of angst, our favorite Unholy Trio and Brittana. On temporary, hopefully, hiatus.
1. Drunken Mistake?

So I'm someone who has been a Glee fan for a while and I decided, after reading an amazing piece of writing entitled Beautiful When You Don't Try, that I would try my hand at a Glee fanfic involving Quinn and Rachel. I really love the writing, the tone, the storyline, the character development, the pace, and pretty much everything about Beautiful When You Don't Try and would recommend it to anyone who hasn't read it yet!^^ Well without further ado here is chapter one! The start of this is the episode with drunken madness at Rachel's house but with my own original twist to the events and this is an AU of sorts. Please enjoy!^^ Be forewarned that there is a lot of angst and that there will be much drama over Quinn's internal conflict!

Chapter 1

Drunken Mistake?

I don't what could have possibly possessed me to go over to Rachel Berry's house that night or what compelled me to do what I did. It may have been the fact that everybody from Glee Club was going or that Sam, Brittany, and Santana were … I still don't know for sure. Sam wasn't technically in Glee Club yet but he was a potential member and Blaine was competition but also a friend so not just Glee Club I guess. Anyways what I did know for certain was that despite how I had always treated Rachel … I never truly hated her. I actually liked her, she wasn't always annoying. In fact recently I'd been taking notice of her; I'd notice how my eyes seemed to follow her whenever she entered any room I happened to be in. I would only notice her and follow her with my eyes.

Things weren't always like this … I used to genuinely dislike her so greatly it bordered on hatred. Recently though things had been very different in my mind, internally, my outward appearance still seemed the same regarding her but it was anything but that.

The things that happened at the party were events that profoundly shook the very ground my faith once stood proudly on. I'd learned from a young age that religion and faith are everything. But now I was questioning _everything_about it. That fateful night we got drunk at her house and played spin the bottle, at least it started off that way until someone decided that three second pecks were unacceptable, namely Puck.

I decided to join at the last minute myself, unsure of myself and of everything that could happen in the one minute I was to kiss someone. What happened next changed me, made me realize what I had been denying for so long. Not so much denying and more refusing to accept as fact and believing and disguising it as something else, refusing to see the truth in front of me all along.

And so the game started off with Finn who ended up kissing Santana, which made Rachel insanely jealous since they _were_ a couple now. Next up was Kurt who got what he had been wishing for forever, a kiss with Blaine. The next pair was definitely interesting for sure: Puck and Sam, Puck must be regretting his one minute and tongue rule now. They kissed with straight faces but there was an obvious tension between both of them, well Sam more than Puck. Puck was, interestingly enough, rather forceful and aggressive in his kiss and he seemed to be experimenting technique and the difference between guys and girls. We all stared at him when he pulled away.

"What? I'll do anyone as long as they're pretty enough. You have a fine ass and mouth by the way Sam." He winked so we were all left wondering how serious he was. Sam, for his part, predictably flushed red in the face with embarrassment. He never further elaborated so we were left with our speculation of the wonder that was Puck. He was predictable in some ways and surprising in others which more often than not left me unsettled because I liked being able to read people easily. I'd had enough practice molding a mask that no one could ever hope to break through over years of living in the environment I did, in the nurture of my 'thou shall not sin' family of condemnation.

Next up was Brittany and Santana, best friends so they didn't seem to care all that much, in fact it seemed like that had kissed each other before but I couldn't be sure. They seemed too familiar with each other to not have kissed prior to this … and the way they seemed to just click instantly just proved it. I could feel my heart palpitating so hard I could hear it throbbing in my ears and feel it pounding wildly in my chest. The next person up was Rachel Berry, the girl I had tortured for freshman and sophomore year was up, and I felt myself grow anxious in anticipation. I knew I couldn't deny it anymore, not for another second could I refute my undeniable crush and attraction to the girl sitting across from me.

It was her turn to spin and I felt my own breath hitch as I watched her hand reach for the beer bottle. It felt like an eternity before she finally spun the bottle. Her spin was strong and seemed to spin around in a never ending loop before it stopped in between two people; our circle was quite loose for spin the bottle. Puck, of course, directed us to move in closer to fill in any gaps from earlier. And so she had to spin again to be fair and I could feel the tension in the room.

Around and around it kept going until it finally stopped on Blaine and I felt crushed yet again that it wasn't me. I still had my turn yet to try and make it happen. I would get this kiss, just this one no matter what … I would allow myself this one kiss with her and then it would be as if these feelings never existed. At the very least I would pretend I felt nothing for her and that would be it. I would no longer antagonize her nor would I do anything to purposefully hurt her ever again. I would allow myself this tiny bittersweet mercy.

Lost in my thoughts I didn't realize that someone had spun it and it landed on me. Sam was moving toward me hesitantly, almost as if he truly thought I was going to bite his head off. I sighed and leaned forward only slightly and waited patiently for him to finish. At one point I might have been happy that he was kissing me but now it just made me feel so disgusted that I even liked him at all, no matter how brief. He was a good guy … I just couldn't see the attraction anymore.

I almost sighed in relief when he moved away from me. Now it was my turn to spin the bottle. I gave the bottle a weak spin in the hopes that it would land on who I was aiming for, Rachel Berry. To my internal joy it landed on my intended target. This was it, the moment of truth and I could feel my palpable nerves jumping out at me. I noticed nothing else but her, all of my nerves and senses were concentrated on the tan beauty before me. I moved until I was leaning on my hands, body pointed toward her, ready. I stayed in that position, waiting for her to make the last move to me. She understood my intentions after a few silent seconds of me becoming stagnant. She looked at me with curious and slightly nervous eyes, as if trying to read me and my intentions as well.

All thoughts in my mind were silenced the moment our lips met and I felt electric sparks fly throughout my body from her simply pressing her lips against my own. After just a moment she almost made a motion to pull away but was stopped by none other than Puckerman and he also mentioned the tongue rule. She kept on with only a slight cringe I could feel through our connection. The feeling of her soft, plump, moist lips could not beat her delicious tongue or the way it felt running across my lips to gain entrance. I was on cloud nine feeling her tongue rub against mine in a wet dance.

The moment it ended I felt myself grow disappointed in the distance that grew between us in order for me to get back to my seat across from her. Needless to say that was the best kiss I'd ever had in my life, one I would remember for the rest of my ephemeral life. I got the kiss I wanted and I would never ask for more. She had tried to pull away just moments after it started and that tiny action spoke volumes, the unspoken disgust was there no matter how minute or subtle she tried to make it. I felt her slight cringe at Puck telling us we had to continue with tongue. It hurt … it stung, it broke me like nothing else in the world and I hated her for it. I hated her for making me feel so much for her … for making me like her for her kindness and aching ability to forgive only to have her break me like this, without ever knowing it.

I couldn't remember anything that happened next because I was still stuck on the cloud she put me on so wonderfully but at the same time I was breaking inside. Rachel Berry definitely knew how to kiss very well, her tongue especially could tango with me again anytime. I looked at her as subtly as I could, which really wasn't a problem since she was sitting directly across from me, wrapped up in Finn's entirely too long arms and large frame. I'd never thought for a single moment that she could look so attractive, so appealing to me. She was heartbreakingly beautiful and I felt more crushed in that moment, more defeated, than I ever had in my life.

I wanted to cry, to just break down and weep at the bittersweet feelings welling up inside me. I knew she was afraid of, no I know she is afraid of me if that cringe is anything to go by. There was no doubt about it in my mind. I sat mulling those thoughts over in my mind for a few moments before I excused myself from the group and before I even knew what I was doing I was long gone … I was alone off the side of a road somewhere. This chance discovery of her soft lips had me falling and robbed me of any dreams I had of her ever feeling anything positive towards me. For both of us this was no drunken mistake … only a game of spin the bottle.

I broke down in the silence and peace of my car, very alone. I allowed myself to weep tears that I had no way of holding at bay now that I was in this empty car void of any company. I wept tears of anguish and sorrow over knowing that she would never, _ever_ feel the same way toward me. How could she though? After I had made it my mission to make her miserable and alone the last year I knew she would never be able to forgive me … or at the very least believe me, trust me. This caused even stronger emotions to roll over me, roll through me. Maybe it was the alcohol running through my system but I could not stop weeping the pitiful tears that seemed to be never ending like the painful ache in my chest.

A few seconds into my weeping I found myself wheezing terribly from an asthma attack and I dug wildly into my purse. I finally pulled out my inhaler and shook it twice before I yanked the cap off hastily and took a puff of the medication. The first puff wasn't enough so I took another and I finally felt myself breathing regularly again and my mild panic subsided. I sat and cried for a while longer before I decided that it was late and I should be heading home instead of crying alone in my car.

When I finally came home, somehow and miraculously unscathed, I went straight to my room and wept in my bed until morning. I needed my inhaler a few times from crying too hard and becoming too emotional. For now I could just blame my tears and red eyes on being drunk and say that everything that happened at her house was just a drunken mistake but I knew that it wouldn't hold true for long in my mind. Even in this haze I put myself in, the danger I allowed myself to be pressured into, could not stop the constant barrage of thoughts that caused me restlessness. I knew that this Saturday was going to be a very long day full of racing thoughts and despair and that I would be bone tired by the time I finally managed to sleep.

So this story is going to be full of angst but I promise it will get better eventually. I hope to get some reviews about the thoughts running through anyone who is reading this!^^

姫宮光る


	2. Why?

Chapter 2

Why?

I looked over at the clock and sighed tiredly once again at seeing there was only a difference of five minutes since I last looked. 3:30 AM glared back in a soft neon green color, green was my favorite color after all. I thought back and calculated how long I'd been awake since I only slept seven hours on Saturday after lying awake until morning crying. I at least didn't have to cover up _as much_ as I thought I would for church considering my sudden bout of insomnia. I woke up at … let's see 8:30 for church at 9:30 and had been awake ever since so it wasn't quite 24 hours yet. 19 hours was still a bad thing though but I just couldn't sleep. I closed my eyes but sleep eluded me and I felt so frustrated at my lack of control over my emotions.

I promptly got up at 5:30 to get ready for school like I always did because of Cheerios practice at 6:45 until school started at 8. Sighing I got up slowly and felt the burn from not having slept despite the fact that I allowed my eyes to close sleep never came I was as tired as ever from it. Surprisingly enough my eyes weren't red like I was expecting them to be and the dark circles I anticipated weren't nearly as bad as I thought they would be considering my pale, porcelain skin. The damage could easily be hidden by foundation and a little bit of extra make up.

I knew practice this morning was going to be total and utter hell because of my lack sleep from my restless night, my sleepless night. I tried to eat a decent breakfast to make up for the fact that I was awake the whole night and give myself just a tiny bit more energy that I didn't have. It helped somewhat to take the edge off of my tired body but it wasn't nearly enough. The only fortunate thing about practice was that Coach had to take it easy on me because of my asthma.

I was right in that thought. I managed to make it through the pyramid run, just barely, without a single quiver to our wonderful Coach Sylvester's satisfaction. I had to take a quick break to run for my inhaler during the suicide run and Coach told me I didn't have to finish if it was hurting me. She had a soft side for me since I was a task master as the head cheerleader despite my asthma. She cared for me in a way that she had never cared for anyone else other than her sister Jean and Becky. I walked like a zombie to Glee practice since today was a Monday and I collapsed on the closest chair to the door. I was, surprisingly enough, the first person in the choir room. I sat back and closed my eyes tiredly, relaxing my entire body against the chair. I usually came in with Santana and Brittany but today I was too tired to wait for them to finish up … whatever they did together.

I was nearly asleep when a voice startled me into sitting upright too quickly and snapping my eyes open. "Quinn, are you feeling all right? You look … utterly exhausted." Her voice was hesitant and timid but concerned all the same. "Oh I'm so sorry! It wasn't my intention to startle you!" I had to laugh at that because it was entirely too adorable.

It hurt to keep my eyes open so I closed them to try and lessen the burn slightly. I slumped back in the chair feeling more worn out than I ever had in my life. I tried to smile it away and I opened my eyes briefly as I spoke my lie. "Of course I'm ok, Rachel. Why wouldn't I be?" I saw how unconvinced she looked as I closed my eyes again, wishing the day was over with already because I was beyond exhausted and I just couldn't handle much more … my body couldn't at least.

I heard her sigh before she spoke again. "If you ever need anything you know you can come to me. If you ever need to talk I'll be right here to listen to you." And with that she went to sit somewhere toward the middle, as she always did, and waited for Finn, Finn who I despised so much now. We had dated very briefly back during our freshman year, as was expected of us with me being the Head Cheerleader and him being the football quarterback. That is we dated until he took notice of Rachel and she took notice of him and they 'friended' each other. He at least had the decency to break up with me before he went after her and dated her.

I sighed at the memories pouring through me and the unrequited … feelings that plagued me. I knew I liked Rachel, a lot, but I couldn't bring myself to admit it out loud … because that would be the one thing that would cause me to lose everything. I was glad that my father at least wasn't home anymore because of his cheating ways and his sleazy affair. He was the one thing that had me worried most over my realization last year but over the summer he had cheated and now my mother has the house he had owned and was given a large monthly check for child support. I was even allowed to keep the car I had been given three months before my 16th birthday just so I could practice with it during the summer and get a license during the first month of the school year. I was glad for the fact that permits were allowed at 15 years old so I had my license now.

I heard some shuffling noises and realized that it was Rachel shifting restlessly. She seemed unable to get comfortable because for another few moments I heard her moving around before she sighed. "Are you sure you're okay Quinn? I know that we aren't necessarily friends, far from it really, but I don't consider you an enemy despite our past actions toward each other. I am truly concerned because you're … well you're being quieter than usual and you look so fatigued, as if you're on the verge of collapse. I remember seeing you leave my party early … did something happen?" Her voice was soft and tender with worry.

I felt guilty for leaving the party early and for causing her to worry over me but I couldn't tell her what was wrong. I couldn't tell her I left the party to weep over my crush on her and my jealousy over Finn Hudson of all people. I just couldn't voice any of it and I wallowed in my total and utter despair.

I only shook my head slightly. "You know you can tell me anything don't you?" I opened my eyes again to look at her, the tiniest hint of vulnerability in my face.

"I know." The words were barely a whisper but she seemed to hear it anyways. She smiled at me sadly before the rest of the club began to file in slowly, a trickle before all were present. Santana and Brittany came in last and they sat next to me. They were my best friends but I would never tell them about my secret … Santana because well … Santana is Santana and Brittany because she would innocently tell Santana. She wouldn't know not to say anything and if I asked her not to, she most likely would ask me why and I wouldn't be able to give her an answer that she would be able to understand.

Mr. Schuester, as per usual, was late to the club meeting by at least five minutes. "Okay guys, here's our theme for this week," he wrote on the blackboard as he spoke, "duets." In all caps on the board was that lone word and it made me shudder with anxiety. I would not do any duets … no way was I going to do a duet. I looked about the room and counted only eleven people to my delight and so there would be an odd person out … I would be that odd person out if I had any say in it. Sam hadn't joined yet and it left us with just eleven members and I knew that Finn, Puck, Artie, and Mike were trying their best to recruit him. I was trying my best to keep him out.

I sighed heavily over the rest of the club's happy musing over the chance to showcase their vocal talent and harmonizing with another. I already knew who everyone had in mind to pair up with; Santana and Brittany, Tina and Mike, Puck and Artie, Mercedes and Kurt, and Rachel and Finn. I hated it so much. I hated seeing them together and talking to each other like that. It hurt so much. It pained me to see how happy and giddy they were with each other. It was like me allowing myself to drown in misery without asking for a life jacket, it was like falling through the sky with no parachute, it was like walking in the rain without an umbrella … it was like suicide. I was letting myself drown in the ache of seeing them together and all I wanted to do was quit Glee, to stem the flow of blood flowing freely from my wrists … but I couldn't allow myself to. I wouldn't give it up because that would mean being without her achingly beautiful voice and I was a masochist for it.

I was a bleeding masochist allowing myself to feel the pleasure of pain but also wallowing in its strong, overwhelming power. I was allowing myself to bleed myself dry without so much as trying to stop it with how destructive my actions were. It hurt but it wasn't going to kill me just yet. It was like a wound that was barely poisoned, slowly but surely it was going to steadily flow through my blood stream and kill me. I was waiting for it to happen.

I wasn't sure why this kept happening to me. God must hate me. He really must for Him to curse me like this. I couldn't possibly be gay because God … couldn't be this cruel could he? He wouldn't condemn His child to a curse like that would He? He loves His children so He wouldn't do that to them would He? He loves me doesn't He? He would never condemn me to a fate like hell because He made me this way would He?

I was scared, so, so scared that I would end up in hell for being this way. I couldn't … un-gay myself could I? I can't unborn myself so I can't un-gay myself either I guess. _Oh my God, what … I … I'm just going to burn in hell._ I was so sure of it, so certain of it, and so lost in my thoughts I didn't even notice that the bell had rung signaling that class would start in five minutes. What I did notice was that an attack was starting to make its presence known because it was becoming very difficult to breathe.

When I opened my eyes next Rachel was standing before me, worry evident on her face. The rest of the club was also looking on in worry because of how motionless and silent I had been, even clueless Mr. Schue looked worried. My erratic and heavy breathing was becoming more and more apparent to the rest of the club. "Quinn … please … tell me what's wrong? Tell us what's bothering you so much you can't even concentrate and you are becoming so lost in your thoughts you can't even hear us. We are only trying to help you. What's wrong with your breathing? Are you okay?"

I closed my eyes again and stood slowly before I opened my eyes again, my wheezing was continually getting worse because my inhaler was in my locker. I wanted to run and get it but Santana and Brittany knew what I was about to do and grabbed hold of me before I could seemingly run away from them, before I could seemingly walk out on them. It wasn't the case though … I needed to breathe.

I tried to take another deep breath and closed my eyes. "Let … go … of … me." Their hold tightened. "Santana … Brittany … please … just … let … go … of … me." They held on to me still and stood up and took the few steps separating us and I felt my body break down inside, collapse from the need for oxygen. The room started to blur and spin around me. "Let … go … please … let … go …" I was losing control of my body. The room was slowly becoming more of a blur … objects seemed to multiply before they morphed into a dark shape that I couldn't make out anymore. Everything was becoming dark.

I felt my body grow limp and I knew I would have fallen if not for their strong hold on me. Everything turned dark then and I was glad for the peace that followed with the numbing darkness that possessed me. It was utter bliss not being able to feel anything when before everything was pain.

When I awoke next it was in pain again. I woke up and sat up abruptly, gasping for air. My heart was pounding wildly in its cage, my head was throbbing with pain, and my body was tingling from the numbness it had just experienced. My body was covered in cold sweat and I was a shivering mass. I shuddered uncontrollably and my heart felt like it was about to explode out of my chest with its erratic rhythm.

I felt warm arms wrap around me in an attempt to assuage and soothe my frayed and frantic being.

It took me several long moments to finally calm down enough and it was only when I pulled back did I realize that I had been crying. Gentle hands and fingers wiped away the streaks of tears that were still streaming down my cheeks and it was only then that I knew I had been crying. It was as if my senses were coming back to me slowly; first my sense of touch, then hearing, and then sight. I heard a soothing voice speaking gentle words to try and comfort me, to try and calm me down from the chaotic emotions I was feeling.

"You're okay. I'm right here with you. I am right here and you are okay. Everything is all right just calm down. Quinn, I'm here. I promise you. I promise that I will always be here for as long as you need me." It was that voice … it was _her_ voice and it immediately soothed me more than anything else would have. I couldn't understand why I was being punished this way, being punished with the sweetest torture in the world.

I tried to pull away from her kind embrace but she wouldn't let me. I tried to push her away but she held on. Her kindness was causing a reaction that I couldn't control. My emotions burst and I sobbed into her body, into her soft, feminine body. I wept in a way that I had never wept in front of another soul before. I wept as if I was alone and my sole comfort … but I wasn't alone … she was here with me and it caused me to feel more vulnerable than I had ever felt before.

"Did … do you … know now?" I asked softly, afraid of the answer I would get.

Rachel looked back at me with confusion evident in her eyes. "Do I know what Quinn?"

I didn't want to say outright what had happened earlier … I didn't like more people than necessary knowing about my weak body, about my asthma. I took a deep breath and asked the question that was vague enough that if she didn't know wouldn't give me away but it was enough to know what she knew. "Do you know why I … um … well … lost consciousness?" I asked hesitantly.

Understanding crossed her features and she looked at me sadly. "The nurse told me that a component of it was that you had not slept and that you overworked yourself with morning practice today. She said that she wasn't at liberty to reveal the other reason that contributed to your collapse. I don't want to pry so I won't ask since you don't want anyone to know but just answer me this … do either Brittany or Santana know about it?" At the shake of my head she looked at me sadly. "Shouldn't they at least know about it? I mean you collapsed today because of whatever it is and they are your best friends. They love you Quinn and they were so scared when you collapsed right into their arms. They thought they did something wrong and they ran you to the nurse's office immediately. We are all so worried about you Quinn."

"Stop … please just stop." I could hear the pleading in my tone, the desperation. I couldn't take it anymore, hearing her voice was working me up and I couldn't have another attack.

"Stop what Quinn?" She asked me softly, gently, heartbreakingly tenderly.

"Please stop it Rachel … I can't …" I couldn't speak the words I wanted to. "Please stop the pain."

My request was barely a whimpered plea for her to make it go away but I knew she couldn't take my pain away.

"I … I'm trying to help you … but I don't know how Quinn. Oh, Quinn, please tell me how I can help you. I want to, really, I truly do but you have to tell me, you have to help me help you." And I felt myself break again over her kindness. I couldn't tell her … because if I did utter those words … not only would it be a reality … but I would also be admitting to it. It would be real and I would have bought myself my own ticket straight to hell, straight passed purgatory and everything in between.

"No one … no one can help … no one can save me … I've already been condemned to feel this pain, this ache for eternity … until I die and long after." Rachel never stopped stroking my back comfortingly nor did her gentle hand cease in its tender movements in patting my head so delicately like I was a fragile thing.

She broke me down further with her actions and her next words. "That's not true Quinn. That isn't true because I'm here now and I can help you. I am right here, I am real, and I can help you Quinn. I can and I will." Her voice was full of conviction and I felt myself break even further under her gentle kindness.

And it was in that moment I knew what I was going to do next. I just needed the right kind of emotional mindset for it. My mind was set on this decision and I knew that without a doubt I was going to save her the trouble of trying to save my utterly Godforsaken soul.

So this is chapter 2! I hope there are many readers and reviewers interested in this story!^^ I'm not sure when I can next update so I want to put this chapter up now. I hope it is enjoyable despite the angst and sorrow with Quinn.

姫宮光る


	3. Being Family

Chapter 3

Being Family

Kurt had been getting a lot of crap over coming out as a gay student and it was painful, so painful, to see. I'd tried to help him out with lessening the slushie attacks but I could only do so much because I couldn't be there with him all day at school. It was making me edgy and anxious that it would be turned on me next for defending the boy … and that it would out me somehow.

I stood at my locker grabbing the books for my morning classes when I got a text message. Rachel had been checking up on me since my fainting spell over a week ago due to extreme exhaustion and … my secret asthma though it was sweet … it killed me inside. I couldn't even come clean to her about the larger reason as to why I had fainted that day, the biggest contributing factor; my asthma. She was being kind to me even though I had been horrible to her and not just that but … she would never know how I felt about her. I sighed and took a look at the text message hoping it wasn't something serious.

_Emergency Glee Club meeting in the club room. – Rachel B. Berry_

I took one look at it and heaved a long sighed at the message. Rachel had texted and called quite often to check on me but fortunately she never came to my house to do so. I knew she knew where my house was since she was … well her and she would go as far as finding out where I live in order to insure I was okay. She would do just about anything to make sure the entire club was alive and healthy, even go as far as stalking them.

Brittany and Santana often tried to sleep over at my house every weekend if possible and I found out then that my conjecture about them was correct; they were dating. I could see everything in the way Santana was so gentle and tender towards Brittany and the subtle kindness and adoration that shone from her actions. Brittany always tried to do what was best for Santana and she always knew the right things to say or do to calm her down for her best interest. They were most definitely in love and I think my mother was catching on and becoming wary of them though and it made me so nervous.

I walked to the choir room slowly, anxiety rolling off of me in waves. I stopped just outside of the room and took a moment to take a deep breath and place my mask on again.

"Are you going to go in for the meeting?" A soft, masculine voice asked. I turned to my left and saw Sam standing there with a gentle smile on his face. I nodded curtly before walking inside and taking a seat as far back as possible. "Hi to you too," he muttered. I couldn't blame him because I was being cold to him. He had attempted to ask me out on a date just a few days ago and I had rejected him too kindly for him to realize that I wasn't exactly interested in his gender. He had recently joined Glee despite my best efforts to keep him out of it and he was welcomed with open arms for his raw but good singing ability and guitar playing skills. Even I had to admit that he had a nice voice and he was a nice guy … just not my type. I wished desperately that I could like him, find some kind of attraction to him, but I couldn't stand the crippling thought of him being male.

I felt bad but I couldn't stop the feeling of dread in me whenever I saw him … he was a nice guy and he was just trying to fit in because he was new but I still didn't like his attempts at dating me. I knew he was doing it for the wrong reasons. He just wanted the popularity boost and it irked me to know that. I sighed as the other members slowly came in alone or in twos. Rachel was standing at the front of the room right in front of the piano as everyone came in. Puck was the last person to file in before Rachel addressed us.

"Okay everyone, I asked you all to come here for a meeting about helping Kurt. The reason Kurt isn't present is so that he doesn't have any knowledge about it and possibly intercede because he doesn't want to seem weak. I have seen frightening statistics of gay teen suicide rates and I know none of us here want that to happen to Kurt." There were murmurs of agreement throughout the room and nods. "Okay so Karofsky has been giving Kurt a harder time lately and he has been seen shoving, threatening, and slushie attacking Kurt with several other members of the football team. Puck, Mike, Artie, Finn, and Sam, would you all be willing to stick up for Kurt if you see this happening?"

They nodded their agreement. "Yeah, Kurt's my boy!" Puck shouted out which annoyed me because since when was that really true. He had been one of those stupid jocks throwing kids like Kurt into the dumpster at one point. Then I thought about how he joined Glee and had since stopped … maybe people really can change. Maybe my mother can change … maybe I can change.

"Santana, Brittany, and Quinn … can I count on you guys to lessen the slushie attack count on Kurt? I mean I appreciate that you have already been trying Quinn but I hope with Santana and Brittany's help you can lessen them even more … maybe see if you call a ban on him?" I flushed at being called out on it and I saw Santana's smirk and Brittany's smile at hearing that. There was whooping on Puck's part and shouts of "hell yeah" from Mercedes.

"Um … well we can try … I'm not sure how well Karofsky will take it … or whether he will understand it or not honestly but we can try. I mean we don't know whether or not he'll actually listen to us or even understand that the ban is permanent or not but we can try." I said slowly, my face a mask, but it was not in a mean way … I just didn't want to give away anything about my secret. I didn't want anyone to figure out, to even get any notion, about my hidden attraction for one Rachel Berry, singer extraordinaire. She first stole my heart with her beautiful voice and she kept it by being who she was so unflinchingly and it utterly terrified me.

"That is all I can ask of you three; that you try. I can ask no more of you and I understand that there is no guarantee that Karofsky or Azimio will take heed to your ban. Thank you in advance for your help and just for agreeing to try. I appreciate that you are willing to talk to them about a ban." She took a moment to smile at us and I felt my heart skip a beat and then speed up just slightly over the action. "Mercedes … Tina, just keep being you. You are both so unique in the way you comfort Kurt with your friendship. You both bring a special friendship for him to keep him strong with your support. We can do this. With all of us here to support him Kurt won't have to fall like so many other gay teens." Nothing less than expected of Rachel's morals and kindness for sure.

It hurt. It really hurt to see that everyone was so supportive of Kurt when Brittany, Santana, and I were all hiding behind a mask. We were hiding a secret from all of our fellow Gleeks and it was destroying me and I could see how much Brittany wanted to tell them about Santana and her being together. I knew Santana was hesitant and I didn't blame her at all. It would take some time to convince her and I knew how I could help the situation just a little bit.

Instead of going over to my house over the weekend I asked to come over to Santana's with Brittany. Santana, though confused by the change up, agreed easily and I was there by six on Friday. I had all of the homework I needed to do done by the time I had to leave for Santana's and I had everything I needed already prepared beforehand because I had planned for this long before I asked.

We had all been best friends since kindergarten and I hoped that by showing my support it would help Santana along with Brittany in their coming out. I wanted to show them support where I couldn't have it for myself. I didn't deserve it … I was going to end up in hell anyways for straying and becoming more and more sinful in my attraction. I couldn't be gay but they could. They had each other and their love was pure, their love was true and I couldn't fault them in that, God couldn't fault them in that. At the very least they were true in their feelings and I … I was just another lost child who would end up in the pits of hell for my transgression.

"Quinn!" And that was all I heard before I was enveloped by long, strong arms, warm in their love and affection for me. "I'm so glad you asked to go to San's this time!" Her words were marked by a wide, innocent smile full of happiness.

"I'm glad too. I … uh … I have something I want to talk to both of you about … if that's okay with you Santana." Santana could see I meant serious business because I'd used her full name and asked to come here.

Santana nodded; her face full of undisguised worry and concern since we were in the privacy of her home. "I was wondering what this was about Q. You sound pretty serious so tell me what's up before I freak out over nothing."

I took a deep breath and settled down on her plush living room armchair complete with footrest, _she really does live in luxury so I don't get where the whole "Lima Heights" business comes from._ I took another deep breath before I continued, "Brittany, Santana … I would like to enact vow three in this moment so … no judgment or hasty assumptions or outbursts." They both nodded and their eyes looked back at me with a rare solemn look.

We had 9 vows that we swore to each other when we were younger; 1: we would always protect each other, 2: we would always have each other's backs, 3: we would never judge or each other over what was said, 4: we would always be honest with each other, 5: we would always keep any and all secrets we chose to divulge to each other in good faith, 6: we would never _ever_ intentionally hurt one another, 7: we would never make unreasonable promises or demands of one another, 8: we would always remain true and loyal to one another, and 9 … our golden vow: we would never _ever_ allow ourselves to betray one another in any way. We are the Unholy Trinity and we are to uphold these vows we made to each other so many years ago.

I took at deep breath at their nod to gather my courage now that I had gotten as far as to ask for a vow to actually take effect. I let it out slowly before I spoke again with only slight hesitation. "Are you two honestly dating?" Santana paled immediately while Brittany on the other hand nodded enthusiastically and grabbed Santana's hand and held it tightly and gave it a firm squeeze.

"Yeah we are Quinn! How can you tell?" Brittany wasn't oblivious to Santana's discomfort, as was shown through their interlaced fingers, but she was trying her best to act as if nothing was out of the ordinary perhaps to calm her down some.

"Well … you guys are my best friends … I always knew there was something between you two I just never really tried to confirm my suspicions. You mean the world to me and after what Rachel said during that meeting on Wednesday morning … I felt like I had to talk to you guys. I … I can tell that you want to come out Brittany but that you're hesitating because Santana's afraid of the backlash from the community and students. I … I want you to know that you have my support. I'll be the HBIC; I'll be your shield if you guys ever do. I want you to know that you have me and that you'll always have my support. I know you were afraid to say anything to me because of my mother but … I thought we knew each other better than that." I didn't say the words 'it hurts me to know that' because I wasn't strong enough to but they could hear the unspoken words clearly.

Surprising me, and maybe even herself, Santana walked over to where I was sitting from her seat and reached out to me with her free hand and took my hand and held it warmly. "Q, Quinn, it wasn't that we were hiding it at all … the opposite actually." She added the last part as a second thought. "We, as in me really, were trying to work up the nerve to talk to you about it. I know you've noticed that we've had a lot more sleepovers at your house since the beginning of sophomore year and it's because we were trying to tell you. Well, I mean, it's not like we were hiding it either … I know you could tell that we were dating and that's why we're here now I guess. Oh and I know you noticed how often we were coming over after … after you scared us so much with … with …" Santana couldn't finish her sentence but I knew because I could it so plainly in her eyes, the care and love.

I smiled despite how lonely and sad I'd been feeling as of late. Brittany was just smiling between us and she took her hand out of Santana's to lock her arms around the Latina's waist intimately. I smiled at the gentle affection between them and they were smiling in their own little happy bubble, a separate world all encompassing.

"You know … I was thinking that maybe you could come out to the club alone? Just Glee Club! You don't have to be out anywhere else! We're all a family and it's not really being family if we have secrets that we hide from each other right?" I felt like a hypocrite the second those words fell from my lips and I couldn't take them back. I felt nauseous at the thought that I'd said something I could never take back and the words that rang so true in my case even more so than in theirs. They were hiding one thing … I was hiding many, many more secrets than one measly thing. "We all know that Rachel above all will welcome you with open arms and try and protect you and make you feel comfortable and loved. We all love each other in our own ways. Since this year has started I noticed that you and I both have been much kinder to Rachel because we understand her a little better. The moment we joined the club our seal as a family was set and we need to better ourselves for our family. Families may not always get along but what brings them together is the love and care they have for one another, the protection they give selflessly."

Brittany removed arms from Santana's hands gently before pulling me up and pulling all of us into a group hug. It was such a warm hug I almost broke down and told them everything about how I had been feeling. It took all I had not to give in to the urge to tell them … after all it wasn't the 'Fabray way' of dealing with things. My upbringing once again won out over what I'd been learning from being in Glee Club.

"Oh Quinn, that is so sweet! I think that's a great idea! What do you think San? Oh and I should tell Lord Tubbington too right? I think he's been jealous of you San … I think he can tell but he wants to hear it from me since, you know, he can smell you all over me and … he gets so catty when you're around." Trust Brittany to break the ice by being herself and saying one of her off wall comments about her cat but Lord Tubbington did have a personality all his own. He was definitely a one of a kind cat with a personality that didn't make Brittany's comment as bizarre as it should have been.

Santana and I both laughed at her description of Lord Tubbington's jealous antics over Santana's specialness over him. Overall it had been a very positive bonding experience and it had gone much more smoothly than I had anticipated and I was glad for it.

It wasn't the end of it though. I also wanted to come clean about my secret condition. "Um … Brittany, Santana … that wasn't all of it. I, uh, I wanted to tell you something too." Brittany and Santana blinked in surprise and they nodded before they both took my hand in theirs and squeezed encouragingly.

"Go ahead Q. You know you can tell us anything and we won't judge. You're our best friend so no matter what we're here for you." Santana said resolutely, showing her soft side with a gentle smile on her face.

I felt hot tears brimming at my eyes from seeing the support on both of their faces and it made it a little bit easier to admit. "I have asthma and when um … when I collapsed last week it was because I couldn't get to my inhaler." They both looked at me in horror and I could see the guilt building up with tears in their eyes. "No! It wasn't your fault! It was mine because I never told you guys. You couldn't have known that I was just trying to get my inhaler because I looked like I wanted to run. I should have at least said something to the both of you when I had the chance but I was being stubborn so it wasn't your fault at all Brittany, Santana." They both looked to be on the verge of tears.

I pulled them both toward me and hugged them both fiercely as the guilty tears slid down their cheeks. They held on to me just as tightly. When they both had calmed down significantly they asked the question I was expecting since I told them the truth.

"Why didn't you ever tell us Quinn? We wouldn't have made fun of you!" Brittany was so confused and Santana was just upset over the situation even though it was in the past.

"I just … I'm a Fabray and we aren't supposed to be weak … we aren't supposed to let others see us weak … at least that's what mom and daddy told me. They told me to never tell anyone when I was younger. When I was younger my asthma wasn't as bad and I don't know if you guys ever noticed but I used to just sit around in the shade a lot during recess when we were kids." At their nod I continued. "I don't remember what reason mom and daddy told me to say but you guys just shrugged it off and sat with me for a few minutes of recess every day before going off to play with each other." And we sat and reminisced for a few more minutes before we went into more issues.

Santana quite frankly banned me from ever drinking alcohol again because she realized how dangerous it was for me to even breathe in the scent of alcohol. Her protective side was bared for us to see and she didn't care because what kind of best friend would she be if she didn't protect me. I couldn't believe how incredibly lucky I was to have Santana and Brittany as my best and dearest friends. They were more of a family than my own mother was and so was the entire Glee Club.

The next school day came so quickly I didn't know what happened to the time. Time seemed to like playing with me; speeding up when I needed more time and slowing down when I didn't. It was like a game of major inconvenience that I always seemed to lose. I lost at everything though in that sense … there was never a victory in sight and I knew that it was figuratively and literally killing me.

We had it all planned out from the sleepover that come Monday morning Brittany and Santana would announce their relationship to the club. We would be a united front; the Unholy Trinity. I wouldn't necessarily stand next to them when it happened but I wouldn't be far either and I would stomp out any inappropriate comments, we sincerely anticipated Puck's perverseness, about them. I would sit in the center so that I was closest to them and that would mean … that I would be close to Rachel's designated area. I felt like hell was becoming more of a reality than a thought the more I lived on in this agony of sin.

I sighed as I shut my locker and made my hasty way toward the choir room only to be impeded by a sight that had my blood running cold in its tracks. Kurt was standing at his locker, that wasn't what was getting to me. What had me panicked was that at the other end of the hallway Karofsky was lurking with Azimio and two slushie's each in hand. I skidded to a halt before searching around wildly for Santana and Brittany. I could see that they were nowhere near me so I knew I had to do this solo. I was the HBIC so that had to count for something. With that thought I practically ran over to where Kurt was and pretended to just be in the neighboring area as opposed to having some kind of purpose to watch over their behavior.

"Well, well, well if it isn't our resident faggot. How are you today Nancy boy? Are you feeling _dandy_ today?" And then he and Azimio laughed as if it was the wittiest joke ever, as if it was absolutely the funniest thing they had ever heard with his dimwitted brain. It made my blood boil with anger that they thought this was okay and just.

I walked right up to them, my HBIC mask in place, and gave them the coldest glare I had ever given. Even I could see how visceral the reaction was, the fear of the entire student body as they parted ways in a sea to allow me through. That's right the HBIC is in control now. "You had better not be doing what I think you're going to do with those slushies." I said; my voice just as cold as my face, maybe even colder. From their reactions I could tell that they were scared even though I was at least 100 lbs lighter than both of them respectively and I was much shorter despite my tall stature for a girl.

"W-what do you m-mean?" Karofsky, rightly so, was so frightened he actually stuttered over his words and that caused a streak of pride in me.

"You know what I mean!" I snapped back, angry because of his clueless face. "I told both you and Azimio to back off of Kurt _several_ times last week and the week before that! Don't give me the innocent act." I uttered the last part quietly, my voice cold and cutting. It seemed like the wheels were starting to work in their rarely used brains. "If I ever catch either of you so much as looking at Kurt the wrong way you'll regret the day you crossed me and don't even think of asking or bullying someone else into doing your dirty work." A quiet threat, I found out early on, worked much better than a loud one full of screaming and emotional rage. Rage could be dealt with easily, though a calm and cold threat was much scarier that even brainless bumbling boys like Karofsky and Azimio could understand. That and they had no idea that I had asthma and could potentially up and wheeze to death without an inhaler within my immediate grasp to save me.

They looked terrified, rightly so, and about ready to wet themselves in their frightened state but they managed to nod their heads before running off into the sea of students. I huffed out a chuckle in satisfaction and looked over to Kurt. His face was still pale but he looked much better, much more alive now, than he had prior to me stepping up.

"Kurt, are you okay? We have Glee practice in a few minutes so we'll be late if you don't hurry. Would you like to go to the Guidance Office?" I was truly attempting to be kind to him and he seemed to snap out of his stupor after that.

"No, that will be all right." He paused before he continued with a soft, awed whisper, "thank you Quinn." He had unshed tears in his eyes and without thinking I hugged him tightly and he broke in my arms even though it should have been an awkward hug. The hug that should have been awkward was warm and comforting instead, it was healing. We stood like that for just a few more seconds before I pulled back and asked him once more if he wanted to go to the Guidance Office. He shook his head no and we walked off together.

He was much calmer and he seemed to feel just a little bit lighter than before. He also seemed to have recovered over his initial shock from me defending him so fiercely earlier. I saw that Rachel had already made it to her usual seat and had only the right side available for Finn. I did not want to make a huge deal out of Sam sitting next to her so I sighed and opted for the seat reserved for Finn.

I saw Santana and Brittany sitting in their corner waiting for the last few members to arrive and I could only smile slightly at them in encouragement before I turned back to the front.

I knew she was burning with the desire to ask me about my sudden seating arrangement next to her but she surprisingly enough held her tongue until Finn came in. He looked annoyed with me but I could care less about that. "Why are you in my seat Quinn?" He asked me in an agitated voice, his tone showing his displeasure clearly.

"I don't remember this chair being made for you, being bought by you, or being bought _for_ your specific use so I don't think you have any right to ask me that Finn. Also I am here for a reason and not to annoy you of my own volition. You can either take the seat next to Mercedes in this row or take an available seat elsewhere behind me; I don't care. There are plenty of other seats available so I don't see any reason for you to fight with me over this particular one." I had crossed my arms at one point at seeing his face turn redder with each word I spoke. He had the good grace to at least back down and sit somewhere else. "Oh, and, don't ever talk to me like that again Finn Hudson. You had no right to act that way with me."

She touched his arm gently as she whispered, "don't Finn." She shook her head and he looked like he almost calmed before he looked at me again.

I turned around and glared my HBIC glare as I looked at him. "Don't even think about it Hudson. You'll be nothing more than an idiot jock if you decide to be like Karofsky and Azimio by saying something you'll regret. Don't be them because I would think you'd like to say you are above them and their cowardice and bullying." I turned back to the front and calmed myself down by taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly.

He had turned even redder with indignation but said nothing further most likely because his large, empty head could think of nothing witty in response to me. I could hear several voices murmuring in the club room after my verbal lashing toward Finn for his irritating attitude. There were even a few catcalls, most likely Puck or Artie, and several distinct murmurs of 'oh burn!' and 'ouch'. I almost wanted to laugh at that but I held it in and kept my mask of aloof indifference on toward the idiotic giant of a teenage boy. He learned his lesson for sure never to give me that attitude again; I had made sure of that.

Finally the last of the club came in, Tina and Mike, and Santana and Brittany went to stand in front of the piano and prepared to come out. Santana looked over to Brittany then at me and I nodded my encouragement. Santana opened her mouth, took a deep breath, and let it out before she spoke in a clear voice, one full of sincerity.

"I love Brittany. I love Brittany … and we're happily dating and … in love." Because of how sincere and serious this moment was not even Puck had the heart to be inappropriate with catcalls and whooping. Their fingers laced together at that and Brittany smiled at Santana with adoration and Santana smiled back with just as much love and adoration. She looked right at me as she spoke the next part. "We just wanted to let you all know because … as Q stated so well on Friday," at the mention of my nickname and the other members of the club looking at me curiously I blushed. "We are a family and families don't keep secrets from each other. Families love and protect each other. They might not always get along but what keeps them together is the love and care they have for one another, and the protection they give selflessly. I know I'm not the sentimental type but I will never forget those words she spoke. The words you spoke that day will stay with me forever because we truly are a family."

I couldn't take the distance anymore and so I stood up and enveloped them both in a hug, both to hide Santana's tears and to show how much I felt over what she said. Before long I was being enveloped by many other pairs of arms and it was a New Directions group hug. Mr. Schuester, with his usual impeccable timing, came in right in the middle of hug fest going on and he only smiled with delight at the sight of us being so together, being a true family.

I hope this was another enjoyable chapter despite how cliché and slightly cheesy it might have seemed. I can't wait for the next chapter because the plot thickens!^^ Yes I'm a dork who maps out the chapters enough to say things like that! Also if I don't start getting any feedback whatsoever I think I might delete the story and discontinue it because of lack of interest. I don't want force people to review but I seriously think I will delete this story from lack of interest.

姫宮光るより


	4. Slowly Breaking

Chapter 4

Slowly Breaking

Everyone has a breaking point and I could feel mine was fast approaching. I was literally breaking more and more, being tilted further and further into a dark abyss; my mind. But what made it all worse was I was breaking slowly, I was breaking so slowly it hurt. I felt like I was standing on the edge of a cliff waiting for the wind to push me off the edge, I felt like I was falling further and further into the dark depths of an ocean, I just felt dead. I felt like I was dying, falling further and further into my despair. There was no escaping the dark thoughts that continued to plague me.

The more support I saw for Kurt and Brittany and Santana the more I broke inside. It wasn't as if I was spiteful toward them no. Never that. It was just so hard to see them being supported by the club while I was alone in my secret, my deep dark secret of hidden attraction and desperation for someone to notice it, for someone to notice me. I just wanted _her_ to notice me … not because of the pain I was feeling … but because she cared for me too, cared for me in the same way. I knew it was just a wistful wish, thought, dream. I wanted someone to see the absolute and utter despair I was feeling over being dragged slowly but surely into the depths of hell for sinning in such a terrible, terrible way, for loving someone of the same gender, for loving another girl.

My emotions and my mind were all spiraling out of control. It was like a dark void full of sorrow was taking control of everything. An all encompassing abyss was sucking away all of the feelings and memories of happiness and it made me miserable. I ached with anguish. What further cemented my feelings of eternal damnation and regret was a dinner I'd had with my mother and sister, who had come back for Thanksgiving with her husband.

They were both disdainful and pitifully spiteful of others for their differences. I couldn't get the words they spoke that dinner out of my head. On the day we were supposed to be grateful for what we had they instead spouted words of hate toward Rachel's fathers and Kurt. Brittany and Santana were safe because only the club knew still even if my mother and sister had their suspicions they had no confirmation. The lack of proof didn't stop my sister from saying what she wanted though and it hurt to hear what she said about them. If I defended too much they might get suspicious so I had to be careful about what I said to them in defense of my best friends, my family. I couldn't allow my mother and sister to say rude things about people they didn't even know, people I cared about greatly. My thoughts were dark and I just didn't know what to do.

Two hours earlier

"Chad, dear, do you remember those two men holding hands at the supermarket when we were scouting for pumpkin pie?" My mother asked my brother in law. He nodded with a sneer on his face. They were all judgmental Christians, as ironic as that was. "They aren't the only gays here anymore! They're spreading their immoral and perverse love! I heard that there is a boy who recently came out as gay here! It's um … Burt Hummel's son. The thing is he isn't even trying to reform his son! He isn't trying to save him from hell or purgatory at all!" She spoke as if it was all such a scandalous thing … and it was for a small town like Lima, Ohio.

My sister, Sarah, scrunched her face up in disgust while addressing me. "Hey Quinn, aren't those two cheerleading friends of yours dykes? I'm pretty sure they are even though they claim to be best friends … not even best friends are as close as they are." I felt myself shudder at the insults she threw at them. I knew there was no way I could possibly _ever_ talk to my family about my revelation. It was something that would never, _ever_ happen if this was their view on gays and lesbians.

"Sarah … we all care for each other deeply … we're all best friends and we have been since kindergarten. You know that." She shook her head but said nothing further which I was glad for.

Sarah and my mother both were making it difficult for me to breathe and the way Chad was looking at me with a sneer of disgust on his face he, too, thought that it was wrong and immoral. I wanted to scream and yell at them for being so judgmental and hateful toward people they didn't even know at all. I just shook my head quietly in response and went back to pushing my food around my plate and pretending the asthma wasn't getting to me but it was. My family knew about my asthma but they didn't care to know how asthma attacks came about for me … it was almost as if my asthma didn't exist but for the inhalers I had to buy every few weeks depending on the frequency of attacks.

"Quinn?" I was broken out of my thoughts by my mother's voice. "Aren't you hungry dear?" She asked, worry reflected in her voice.

I looked down at my plate and saw that I had been pushing more food around than I had been eating. "Oh … sorry … mom, I'm not … really hungry. I'm … just … tired. Do you … think … I … can … be … excused?" I knew it was a lie but she didn't. She looked concerned for me and she seemed to catch on that I was having an asthma attack because of my frequent pauses to wheeze for breath.

"Oh of course you can Quinn. You don't look well. Go rest in your room and feel better for school tomorrow." I nodded and muttered a quiet "thank you" before I put my plate away in the fridge and ran upstairs to my room and grabbed my inhaler for life saving medicine.

Back to Present

I'd finished all of my homework and I was just sitting listlessly in my room since I wasn't allowed to sleep over this weekend because of my sister. I sat on my bed and I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't notice when my sister came in through the door and tried to get my attention. I felt a hand on my shoulder and I gasped in surprise at the sudden contact and I nearly had another attack because she caught me off guard.

Though we had never been particularly close she looked concerned. "Quinn, are you all right? I have been trying to get your attention for the past few minutes. You didn't even notice that I was standing right in front of you. Maybe you should get some rest now. You know … now that I've thought about it I think I know something that can help you with whatever's on your mind. I used to write poems and songs whenever I had something troubling me when I was younger. It didn't always necessarily make me feel better but it did help me mentally get things off my chest. I think maybe it would help you too."

With that she left without another word. I sat and thought about it for a few minutes before I checked the clock on my bedside table and saw that it was only 7:37 PM. I went in search of an empty notebook I'd bought years ago to use as a journal but forgot about. I never took the next step in using it as one because after I bought it I thought it was a stupid idea to recount my day in a journal. Well at least now it was going to be of good use to me and not another wasted venture.

I took out my green G2 gel pen and started writing some words down and before long I was looking at a song that I was more than proud of. The title of the song was "I'm Forbidden" and it felt so right, the words I wrote fit me down to a T and I was so proud of myself for it.

Wednesday morning I had not only written the lyrics to the song I had also composed a piano accompaniment for it as well that I really liked. I had everything ready for the performance of the song and I was sitting in a chair nervously alone, the first one in the choir room yet again. I had my inhaler ready in case I needed it because of the nerves rushing through me. I had already asked Mr. Schuester permission to perform it Monday morning after practice and he was delighted since I was usually one of the kids who just swayed in the back. I was nervous, so nervous, even though I had stayed after school to practice for two hours on Monday and Tuesday I was still anxious about it. I had given Brad the piano composition I composed to keep from Monday until today because I knew I could trust him with it.

The next person to come in was Brad himself and he gave me a nod but seeing how nervous I was he actually approached me, surprising me greatly since he never really spoke.

"Don't be nervous. You'll do fine and … your piano composition is really beautiful by the way. Do you play piano too?" At my nod he smiled a small but genuine smile. He went to sit at the piano before he looked at me again. "Do you want to play the song and sing instead of me playing? It will wow your teammates to see your talent." I could see that he was just trying to ease my worries and I thought about it.

"Well, um, if you stand by the door to watch for the others … I think I can give it a dry run now to see how it goes." My voice was timid and shy but full of determination. He nodded and stood up to walk over to the door easily. I nodded, "thanks." And I was at the piano and I played the first few notes to the song and I felt my nerves melt away as I focused solely on the keys I was playing. "Yeah~" I decided to just sing the first verse of it to see how it went and I was satisfied that I could do both at the same time without faltering.

When I was done I stopped playing but allowed the last few notes to reverberate around the room. I heard clapping and I was so startled I stood up quickly and turned around to see that Rachel, Mercedes, Kurt, and Tina had been watching me silently next to Brad. I flushed at seeing the smiles on their faces and the gleam in their eyes. I saw the tiniest smile quirking up at the corner of Brad's lips.

"What song was that Quinn? I have never heard it before and as you know I have quite the extensive collection of music on my iPod. It was very beautiful." I seemed to flush even redder at Rachel's question and the earnest looks of curiosity on the other's faces.

"Oh, um, well it … it's a song I wrote and composed myself actually. Brad, you were supposed to warn me!" I squeaked and he just shrugged in response. Mercedes looked like she wanted to crack up over my shy indignation and Kurt just smiled wider while Tina shook her head softly in response, a small smile on her face as well.

"It was really good Quinn. Did you play the whole song? It was kind of short." Tina was smiling at me gently as she spoke, genuinely curious.

"Um … no … I uh, I'm supposed to perform the whole song for Glee today. I just … um, well, I just wanted to see how well I could sing and play so I only played and sang the first verse of the song. It … it's not really all that great … it's pretty simple." I said shyly. I quickly turned away from them, my inhaler ready in my sweater pocket, and took a quick puff of medicine before I hastily put it away and turned back to them.

They looked at me in curiosity but I just shrugged and they seemed to just let it go though Rachel had an inquisitive look on her face. She said nothing though I knew that she wanted to ask me about what I had just done, though none of them could see what I did. Rachel let it go for now and smiled at me as she continued on with more praise for my singing and hidden piano playing skills.

"No, it's beautiful Quinn! I had no idea you could play the piano! The song really is very pretty! The melody and harmony are quite well done Quinn!" Rachel was quick to interject and Mercedes, Kurt, and Tina nodded their heads in agreement.

"I can't wait to hear the rest of the song when you sing it for the club Quinn!" Kurt's excitement was rolling off of him in waves and I could only smile at their support for me.

I took a deep breath as Mr. Schuester announced that I had a song ready for the club. "I'm really excited to hear what you have for us Quinn! Come on up!" I hadn't even gotten up from my seat yet when I heard clapping and calls of encouragement from my fellow Glee clubbers. I looked over to see that Santana looked mildly surprised and Brittany just looked happy and excited for me. I stood up from my seat and slowly made my way to the piano.

I tried to take an inconspicuous puff off of my inhaler before I shoved it back into my sweater quickly before anyone could see it.

I took a deep breath as I stood in front of the club. "The song I'm going to perform is called I'm Forbidden and I wrote and composed it myself. I hope you like it and enjoy." I took another deep breath before I played the introductory notes to the song I'd written and composed over the weekend. Everyone clapped softly just as I started singing the introduction before the start of the first verse. I took a deep breath before I started singing softly, as if I was singing this to a lone person instead of all of the Glee Club. I looked straight ahead so I wouldn't be tempted to look at one person in particular.

Yeah~

I'm stuck … in a traffic jam  
>Hands to my head as the lights turn red<br>I'm stuck … feels like quicksand  
>And times running out, gotta figure this out<p>

Yeah it's on … World War 3  
>As my head and my heart disagree<br>Head says no, heart says yes

I'm my own worst enemy

I'm forbidden, yes forbidden

I'm forbidden to say that I love you  
>I'm forbidden, yes forbidden<p>

I'm forbidden to say that I love you 

And I'm dammed if I do

Shamed if I don't  
>Yeah I'm forbidden, yes forbidden<p>

I'm forbidden to say that I love you

One year; it's like a lifetime with you all alone

We've been through it all  
>I can't, no I can't be a murderer<br>Just give them it all, what more could they want than love  
>Hey, they have forsaken it; we were lost now found once more<br>What feels right, seems so wrong  
>Yeah the truth will never lie<p>

I'm forbidden, yes forbidden

I'm forbidden to say that I love you  
>I'm forbidden, yes forbidden<p>

I'm forbidden to say that I love you 

And I am dammed if I do

Shamed if I don't  
>Yeah I'm forbidden, yes forbidden<p>

I'm forbidden to say that I love you

Dammed if I do (oh no)

Shamed if I don't (no, no)  
>Torn if I do (I love you)<p>

Blamed if I don't~

I'm forbidden, yes forbidden

I'm forbidden to say that I love you  
>I'm forbidden, yes forbidden<p>

I'm forbidden to say that I love you 

And I am dammed if I do

Shamed if I don't  
>Yeah I'm forbidden, yes forbidden<p>

I'm forbidden to say that I love you

I'm stuck … in a traffic jam  
>Hands to my head as the lights turn red<p>

I held the last note for just a few seconds emotionally and I played out just a few more notes at the end and I let the last notes resonate in the chorus room until they ended completely. I took a deep breath and looked over to my fellow Glee clubbers to see smiles on their faces. They looked amazed at how emotional the song was and then, as if practiced, they all started clapping in appreciation.

There were shouts of "hell yeah!", "that was fucking awesome!", "amazing!", "damn Q", and a quiet "I'm so proud." I felt warmth spread throughout my body at how positive everyone's reactions were and Santana was dragged up to her feet and over to me by Brittany who enveloped me into a hug. I smiled as I hugged her back and Santana joined the hug after Brittany tugged on her hand but I could tell that she was only playing reluctant in front of the club. She didn't want any of them knowing that she actually had a soft side, other than Brittany and me of course, after all. She would lose some of her tough girl reputation if she let on to her soft side at school.

Once everyone had settled down and went back to their seats Mr. Schuester went back to the front of the room to talk to us. "That was amazing Quinn! That song really showed off your vocals and the piano composition was really, very solid and well done! It is so amazing that you wrote, composed, and arranged the melody of that song all by yourself! I was thinking that since we already made it through the Invitationals that maybe you can perform that song for Sectionals? It really was an amazing performance and I think that having an original song could really boost our chances for Nationals!" Mr. Schuester was so excited at the prospect but I felt my nerves break over the attention.

"Um … Mr. Schuester … if I may?" he nodded at me to continue, "I think maybe someone else with much stronger vocals can sing it instead. I don't think I would be good enough for this song so perhaps you can have Mercedes, Kurt, Tina, or Rachel sing it instead. They are much better than me and I'm sure they can perform it much better than I can for Sectionals." He looked disappointed but he wasn't the first one to interject.

"Girl you are crazy! What're you thinking? You're giving up a chance at a solo Quinn! I know you think we're good, because we are, but if you think anyone one of us can match your emotion in this song you are wrong! Girl, you are emotionally invested in this song and you do sing good Quinn! You just need to have more faith in yourself!" Mercedes was speaking with her diva on full blast and her hand gesticulations and facial expressions expressed even more than her words did and that was saying something seeing as she was speaking her mind clearly. As Mercedes spoke the rest of the club nodded in agreement with her and even a few murmured their agreement.

"Mercedes is right Quinn. Not one of us can match the emotional investment you have in this song even if we can sing well." Kurt had a look in his eye that said he was happy that I was trying to give him a chance at a solo that I was willing to give up _my_ chance at a solo.

"Yeah I agree with them, it wouldn't be the same. It wouldn't have the same emotional feeling behind it if anyone of us sang it. You're good Quinn and you need to realize that. This song was not only written by you but it was composed by you as well. You created the mood and tone of this song by composing the melody for it and only you can breathe that kind of life into this song. We wouldn't do this song any justice Quinn." Tina said softly.

"They are all right Quinn and besides that you have a pretty voice that is seldom heard unfortunately enough. I think you need to allow yourself to shine in Glee Club. You are always swaying in the background whenever we perform so here is your opportunity to shine in front of an audience and show them the hidden gem of Glee Club. You have far more talent than you give yourself credit for Quinn, really you do. You are more than just a pretty face and a good dancer; you need to showcase that by performing this song … solo. By no means does that mean you have to be alone. We can sing with you as a chorus in the background if you so wish Quinn." Rachel smiled at me as she spoke and there were several murmurs of agreement echoing in the room.

"Berry's right. Even I'm agreeing with her and you know how much she annoys me Q. You need to perform this song for us because it was amazing and you know it. You know, me and Brit would be willing to sing as back up for you if you want? This song wouldn't be the same if Mercedes, Kurt, Tina or Rachel performed it because as good as they are they weren't the ones who wrote it and they can't sing the emotions you put into it." Rachel scowled at Santana calling her annoying but seemed to agree with everything else she said.

"Sectionals are coming up very soon Quinn so I would really like you to give it some serious thought. We need something like your amazing song and someone amazing like you to win." Mr. Schuester looked like a pouting adult and it got me to almost cave in. The deciding factor was the below the belt blow dealt by none other than Rachel Barbara Berry herself with her pleading eyes and pouting bottom lip.

I sighed as it seemed like the entire club was ganging up on me, Santana and Brittany included. Santana was the one with the shock factor because she never, _ever_ showed this side of her outside of private settings. It was as if I could hear the pleading from them without seeing each and every one of them and it was making me sweat in the proverbial sense until I gave in. "All right, all right already! Stop looking at me with those puppy dog eyes and the stinking bottom lip pout! Geez! You all ganged up on me!"

At my outburst everyone burst out laughing and they continued to laugh even though the bell had rung and they should have been more worried about making it to their next class. I think what made them laugh even harder was the undeniable pink tint in my cheeks as I stood up and gathered my things for class. I left in a huff and they were still laughing. I would laugh when every single one of them were late for their class because they were too busy laughing to get a move on to their own respective classes.

I felt like jumping up and running over to scream out of the window. It wasn't that I was bored in my Algebra II class … no it was that a certain tiny, tan diva, who had a penchant for wearing short skirts, was driving me crazy! She was solving a problem on the board and she so happened to volunteer for the most complex problem on the board and therefore took longer than everyone else to finish it up due to the amount of steps it required for the solution. Every time she became overly zealous her little skirt would flap about just a bit and I felt myself die at the strong, muscular thighs that were revealed each time. At one point she was bending down slightly and her butt was sticking up in the air slightly so she could reach a little further down the board. I think I just about died at the sight of that fine, toned, ass sticking up in the air and I was so glad that I was born a girl in that moment. I broke my eye-butt contact for just a moment and saw that some guys definitely were having a similar reaction to her from the bulging eye sockets and the hands covering certain areas with jaw dropped mouths and drool dribbling down said open mouths. I buried my face into my hands so as not to tempt myself with the sight of her luscious bottom, curvy hips, and toned long legs. _Gah! Stop it Fabray! Stop … oh my GOD!_ I looked up and back down but I couldn't stop myself from peaking through my fingers every few seconds.

Today was definitely not my day and I most definitely felt myself grow a little redder each time it happened. After what seemed like an eternity of torture she stopped and seemed satisfied that she had adequately solved the equation. She put the chalk down and spun on her heel, causing her skirt to flap once again, and I regretted looking up from my hands. She clapped the chalk off of her fingers and God did I feel like I was being punished. _Dear_ _God, please tell me what I did wrong so I can atone. I didn't know You were so cruel Lord. Please forgive me my sin and stop this punishment._

A realization hit me at that moment … this was only one of the three classes we had with each other. Oh my GOD! I was going to die … or at the very least break. I was definitely going to break under all of the torture I had to endure with her in my classes and what made things worse was this particular skirt was just slightly, but noticeably, shorter than her usual skirts. She sauntered back to her seat in a way that had me turning even redder. Her seat … was right next to me because there were no other seats available since no one really liked to sit front and center and she had come in later than usual. I cursed my seating choice the moment she came into the room and I saw that the only available seat was right next to me. Really, who else but Rachel Berry would actually _choose_ to sit in the front … answer: me the idiot, Quinn Fabray.

Today was definitely going to be a long and torturous day not to mention unbearable. I just knew it was going to be. I could only hope that I didn't have another attack today because I already had one too many and it was wearing out the amount of medicine I had in my inhaler. I hoped it didn't run out when I really needed it because that would be disastrous.

I thought having math class with her was bad … an even worse class to have with her was history because we had it together with Finn. Finn Hudson who was her boyfriend … Finn Hudson who sat right next to her and they were nauseatingly sweet to each other. They were being obnoxiously in puppy dog love with each other by holding hands and smiling at each other sweetly before class started. It was made worse when they looked around for anyone watching and he leaned over to kiss her lips chastely. I felt like I was going to literally be sick, like I was going to vomit the contents of my lunch. I was only thankful for this being the last class of the day before I could drive home.

I kept glancing at the clock at the front of the room every minute, every thirty seconds, was an agonizingly long time. I soon found out that time was a cruel thing indeed. The seconds seemed to tick so slowly and it was driving me to the brink of insanity. It was dragging by so slowly and it made me feel even more anxious to get out of class.

At one point the teacher walked by my desk subtly while we were all taking the notes down and asked me if I wanted to go to the nurse's office because of how pale and nauseous I most likely looked. I gave her a pained smile and declined politely but the worry did not leave her face but she left me alone for the remainder of the period. That by no means meant that she didn't throw me furtive looks every once in a while when she thought I was too busy writing the notes down to notice.

I appreciated the concern, really I did, but I really just wanted to go home and pretend the day never happened and throw myself into my schoolwork. That was all I wanted and I couldn't even have that one little wish fulfilled it seemed. I sighed when I felt a presence next to me while I closed my binder up and when I bent over to grab my bag I felt dread and panic combine into one at who was standing next to my desk. I saw tan skin and I instantly knew who it was. I took a deep breath and let it out as slowly as I could, as inconspicuously as I could, to keep my body from reacting with an asthma attack. I put my notebook and binder away while she waited patiently for me to finish before she spoke and I felt like it was a death sentence. I took another breath to try and calm myself.

"Finn you can go on without me, I need a minute with Quinn." She said with a gentle smile that took the bite out of her brisk words. He nodded his head and left as she requested. "Would you acquiesce with going to the auditorium with me Quinn? I would like to talk to you about something in private." I looked up at her face and saw that there was concern in her beautiful brown eyes. I looked down and nodded, cursing myself for not being able to say no to her. I liked her far too much to ever say the word no or even show it non-verbally. "Thank you Quinn." I didn't look at her as I nodded again and murmured a quiet, "you're welcome," so softly I almost didn't hear it myself.

I followed Rachel into the auditorium silently. She walked as far back as the front row in the auditorium and she sat in the center as well and I followed her and sat in the seat next to her. She took a deep breath before she turned in her seat just enough so that she was turned toward me so she could look at me without craning her neck too much most likely.

"Quinn, I know we haven't really been friends but I have seen how much you have changed this year in a positive way. You have not only been wonderful about stopping slushie attacks aimed at Kurt, and even other members of the club, but you seem to have really just been looking out for us like a family. I want to take this time to do the same for you Quinn. You have seemed very troubled as of late and … I know I have said to you several times now that I am here and that you can tell me anything. I just want to clarify this for a moment … you can confide in me Quinn, whatever it is, you can confide in me. I will not judge you and most of all I will _listen_ to what you have to say. Now, is there anything, _anything_ you would like to say? I can see how troubled and poignant you have been as of late, if that song earlier is anything to go by, and I want to let you know that I am here for you." And she was so sincere and … just so Rachel that I felt a sob trying to claw its way out from deep within my throat but I refused to let it out. I refused to allow my guard down enough for even the tiniest whimper to escape my lips. I absolutely refused to let myself shed any tears over anything that had happened because … it would mean that I was admitting to my sin and to my weakness. I would not allow myself to break in front of her.

I pushed the tears back, fought back the sob that was threatening to tear out of my throat, and I looked right at her with my mask in place. "Rachel … as kind as your offer is … there is nothing to tell. I am perfectly fine and as much as that song reflects how I've been feeling … I can't do anymore to say how I feel. That song is as far as I am willing to go to express my feelings and it's the most I am willing to do to show it. As everyone kept stating I am emotionally invested in that song because it was born from how I'm feeling inside. That is all I have to say Rachel. Thank you for your offer but … I must decline." I sounded so overly polite I wondered, for a brief moment, what my speech would be like if I had not grown up in such a formal environment.

I stood up to walk away but I was stopped by a warm hand wrapped around my wrist gently. For a few moments there was only silence between us, deafening silence. "Please, Quinn, I am only trying to help you. I fear for you, I truly do. I can see the sorrow in your eyes and the fatigue in your body's every move. Please let me help you. All I want is to be sure that you are well and I can see it so evidently that you are not, indeed, well. I am frightened that you are endangering yourself by allowing this to occur and not reaching out for help." Her voice was soft and genuine and it killed me to hear it.

I turned to look at her briefly, allowing my eyes to soften for just a moment before my mask was back in place, my façade fully intact once again. "Thank you for your concern but … there is nothing you can do to help me. _No one can save me._" It was a soft utterance that was barely even a whisper and I could tell that she was straining to make out what I had said last. She had a look of concentration on her face as she tried to recall what I had said in her mind.

I pulled my hand out of hers gently and smiled painfully at her. I nodded her way once and left the auditorium without another word. The last thing I heard before I was out the door was her voice full of pain as she spoke softly, "Quinn, why won't you let me help you? You clearly need it so why?" She sounded so broken and torn then that I felt something inside of me break. I had everything planned out perfectly and I just had to wait for the perfect time to execute it. I was slowly breaking before but now I was wholeheartedly broken and shattered, torn beyond repair, ripped into so many pieces there was nothing left but ashes to scatter in the wind. I wanted to make sure I had nothing left, to make sure there was nothing left of me but distant memories, I would make sure of it.

So that was chapter 4 and I hope I'm doing well to keep the interest up!^^ Until the next chapter and I hope I get some reviews about what you are think about it!^^ Oh and the song is I'm Forbidden by Thanh Bui and he has an amazing voice, can play piano, and he won Australian Idol in 2008! I took just a few liberties from the original English version. He can sing in Vietnamese and English so well and his voice is so beautiful.^^ I recommend listening to the song to get a feel for how beautiful this song is and how amazing he is at composing and how powerful these lyrics are!

姫宮光るより


	5. Breaking Point

Chapter 5

Breaking Point

I had finally reached my breaking point. My mother asked me about Santana and Brittany and asked me not to talk to them as much because they were the 'wrong sort' to hang around. Not just that but she asked me to leave Glee Club because Rachel Berry, Kurt Hummel, Santana Lopez, and Brittany Pierce are all a part of the club and it was not okay to be around them. They are infectious germs who will dirty me and drag me down to hell with them and their sinful ways of life, their immoral behavior and perverse love. With each word that came out of her mouth I felt sicker and sicker with the disgust I could see in her face and the abhorrent words coming out of her mouth.

She could never find out about how completely gay I was because if she did … I was guaranteed to become a homeless homosexual 16 year old. I would also be mother and fatherless because they would surely disown me and so would the rest of my family. I could just envision it now, I could just see the hate, the loathing, in their eyes the moment the truth came out, no pun intended. Kurt Hummel had a loving and accepting father, who would do anything for him and who would protect him from the vile spawn of Satan. Rachel Berry was adopted by two gay men who gave her everything she would ever need, unconditional love and care. Santana Lopez had strong parents who taught her how to be tough and strong for her family and loved ones. Brittany had parents who, though always very laidback and carefree, loved her so much they always gave her what she needed.

In fact Santana and Brittany came out to their parents and their parents were supportive and happy for them. They didn't scream at them, they didn't kick them out, they didn't say anything horrible to them at all … they only showed the unconditional love of a parent. They held them and told them that they would always love them no matter what and it was the happy beginning for Santana and Brittany. I knew it wouldn't be that way with my mother though.

What did I have? I have judgmental Christian parents who would kick their child out for being gay or for sinning against God in some way, condemn them to an eternity in hell. I have parents who only love me when I do what they say without questioning the morality of such things. I have parents who are only proud of me when I have straight A's and nothing less than perfection. I have parents who would willingly disown me if I ever did anything to disgrace their name, the Fabray name. I have parents who would slap me for talking back only to have to use my inhaler to fix my breathing and have them shake their head in disappointment over having such a weak Fabray mar their perfect family tree. I have parents who only love me conditionally and not even at that. My mother only cared for me a little bit more than my father did and my sister did love me … but she never saw me and she didn't know my secret either. I had nothing. I had absolutely nothing.

The only family I ever really had was trying to reach out and help me but I was told to turn them away by my own mother. Sectionals had just passed and that was the only good thing about all of it. I celebrated a victory over the weekend of Sectionals and by Monday I was weeping tears of sorrow inside while I kept a façade of indifference on the outside. I privately talked to Mr. Schuester about my resignation and though he was saddened by it he understood that I was just listening to my mother.

"I'm sad to see you go Quinn and I'm sure the rest of the club will be just as sad Quinn. Please keep in mind though that if you ever want to rejoin we are here and we will welcome you with open arms. You are just as important as anyone else in this choir room Quinn." His words hurt me instead of comforted me because I could see what I was losing; my true family. Glee Club was my safe haven and now I was losing it. I was heartbroken to hear his words because I knew it was true. Giving up Glee Club was the hardest thing I ever had to do … my next decision was made much easier because of it. I had to make use of my inhaler very often this past week and as soon as I was done conversing with Mr. Schuester I took two puffs of it. I felt slightly less stifled around my teachers and Brittany and Santana because I could freely use it around them since they knew about my asthma. They were two more people I didn't have to worry about.

The rest of the week the Gleeks tried to convince me to come back to Glee even if my mother was being unreasonable. It didn't matter how hard they tried to convince me to come back because I could not defy my mother so openly because of the repercussions I knew it would cause and the backlash she would be a part of. I could not risk my mother doing something as drastic as threatening to sue the school for allowing me to join a club run by a teacher who encouraged rebellion. The sad part about it was it was every bit truth and reality.

I was slightly glad for my decision if only to see Rachel and Finn being nauseating once a day instead of twice. What made me feel a little bit better was that our history class together for the past week consisted of Rachel sitting near me and watching me to try and talk to me every chance she got. It seemed to annoy Finn immensely but she did it anyways. She often tried to speak to me every time we had an in class assignment because we were both the smartest students in class and we finished first. It made me smile a little because Finn had to use up all of the time the class was given while Rachel and I finished in ten minutes or less usually, leaving the rest of the time for us to talk.

During one such day Rachel and I were talking and I felt myself crack a little bit more and more because she was being so kind despite how horrible I'd been. I wanted to talk to someone about this but … I couldn't tell anyone because then they'd try to stop me. It was killing me; it was eating away at me. I couldn't stand it anymore and I blurted something out that I shouldn't have to Rachel.

"You shouldn't be so nice to me Rachel. I don't deserve it." I blurted before I could stop myself. I covered my mouth with my hand and I saw how she was looking at me. Confusion was showing clearly in her expressive eyes and I looked away.

"What do you mean by that Quinn?" I shook my head and thanked God because the bell rang then and I ran out of the classroom before she could chase after me. I was literally saved by the bell.

I was running to my car when I saw her standing right next to it … waiting for me and I had no idea how she beat me to my own car. I slowed my steps upon seeing her and I could feel my emotions already becoming stifling and much too strong.

"Quinn, why won't you talk to me? You keep leaving me cryptic messages about how no one can save you and that no one can help you but the truth is you just won't allow anyone to help you. They extend their hand and you turn away in favor of shouldering your burdens alone. Everyone needs someone to lean on when they are having a difficult time and you need help too even if you are strong. Please let me help you?" She was so earnest and it was causing a bad effect on my body.

I could feel it coming on. The difficulty in trying to get air was becoming more and more apparent. I was wheezing terribly and Rachel looked terrified when I dropped my bag to the ground and my knees caved in on me. I was kneeling on the floor and she was so scared. "I … need …" I rasped and I pointed to my bag.

Rachel quickly grabbed my bag and looked through it. "You need what Quinn? Oh I see!" She was searching through it when finally my inhaler became apparent and I was lying face down in her lap at this point. She helped turn my body around and opened the cap before quickly pressing down on the inhaler to release two intakes of medication to me. After a few moments my breathing went back to normal and I sat up on my own. "Quinn! Why didn't you inform me about your asthma? Asthma is a life threatening condition and everyone should be informed about it! Is that why you always rush off the stage after we perform? Oh my goodness it is isn't it?" She spoke much too quickly for me to keep up with since I had only just recovered from the attack my body just went through.

I could only answer with, "I'm a Fabray Rachel … Fabrays can't be defective like me … and if they are no one is supposed to know about it other than people who have to know about it. That is the … 'Fabray way' after all. I'm not … supposed to let other people know about it so only Brittany and Santana know about it outside of my teachers and certain other staff members who are involved with me otherwise." She looked stunned and pained by my answer. She was speechless, surprisingly enough, because of how … strange and cruel it must have sounded.

The next few days the other Gleeks kept trying to get me to rejoin the club but I couldn't. I told Santana and Brittany my real reason for leaving … or rather the whole reason and not the clip notes version I gave Mr. Schuester. They were reasonably upset and miffed with my mother's attitude toward my friendship with them. They recognized my position and that I didn't want to leave but that didn't mean they disliked it any less.

The ones who tried the hardest to get me to come back were, understandably so, Rachel, Brittany, Santana, and surprisingly Kurt. They kept telling me that Glee Club wasn't the same without me and that they missed having me with them. They wanted to know if I had written and composed any other songs because they were sure I could do it with my musical mind. The more they tried the more depressed and broken I became. Their effort was killing me because I could see the kindness and what I had lost more clearly than ever.

Finally Friday came and I could execute my well thought out plan. My mother wouldn't be home until at least another four or five hours after school let out so it gave me plenty of time to do what I had been planning for so long. I carefully parked my car into the garage before I went into the house. I went around to be sure that all of the curtains downstairs were open so no one thought anything suspicious was going on.

One of the first mistakes I made that day was not making sure all of the doors were locked. I never suspected that anyone would try and find me to speak to me personally about rejoining least of all who did end up saving me.

I ran upstairs with my bag and ran into my room, quickly depositing it on the floor. I had grabbed a well sharpened knife from downstairs and two bottles of wine from my mother's stash in the liquor cabinet. I placed these items onto my bedside table to look for some good old pills in my mother's medicine cabinet in her room. I looked through them for the ones she had for pain because of a hip injury that needed surgery just about two weeks ago. She was going to need them for months and they were extremely high dosages so even if there was just over 15 pills it was more than enough to do the job. I looked at the bottle's label as I walked back to my room. _Hmmm … let's see each pill is 600 mg and it looks like there are 17 pills left so that's … 10,200 mg_(I literally calculated that in my head at 5:10 AM and in a few seconds because I'm such a math genius)_. That should be more than enough to get me through to the pits of hell._ I thought to myself.

I took out my notebook and wrote what I had been feeling for so long into that note, my final gift for my mother in life. The paper green ink was smudged terribly in some areas by the tears I shed as I became more and more emotional over the memories that each word held. The terrible feelings they evoked from me caused me to nearly sob as I wrote but I resisted the urge. I didn't deserve to cry; crying was much too good for me. I looked over what I had written one last time before I ripped the paper out carefully and set them both on my bed. One was for my mother … the other for Glee Club and Rachel. My farewell.

I looked over at the clock and saw that 35 minutes had gone by while I gathered the necessary ingredients and wrote my sentimental letter while I cried. I sighed and took the knife, alcohol, and pills off of the bedside table. I thought about how best to execute my suicide and figured it would be best to dump all of the pills on the bed for easier access after I slit my left wrist and continued to destroy myself by taking the medication and downing it with alcohol. Yes that was the best way to insure that I was fully and completely destroyed by the time my mother came home from work and that there was no possible way she could save me. I would have either bled dry by then or I would have destroyed my insides entirely and she wouldn't have to pray for me to open my eyes by that point. I would give her that small mercy if I could. I made sure to take my inhaler out and throw it in my trashcan on the other side of my room by my desk.

On my short walk back I happened to glance up and I saw my reflection in a mirror. I saw an image of a girl who … completely ugly and vile. I saw haunted eyes looking back at me with absolute hatred; I saw so much weakness and insecurity … I saw my true self reflected back. I snapped … I couldn't take looking at that image anymore and I slammed my fisted left hand hard into the mirror once, twice, and the third swing shattered the glass. I looked at the broken shards and saw each piece as if it was a part of my heart … a part of my broken and forsaken soul. I saw me. I saw someone I hated, despised, with a passion. I saw my broken dreams and the shattered reality of who I wanted to be. As unbearable as the pain in my hand was I touched a shard and felt it dig in deeper and though I winced I didn't remove that lone finger touching it. I pulled away after a moment and completed my trek to the other side of my room and stood over my bed. I was fascinated by the blood trailing down my slightly swollen hand. I took a deep breath and looked up at the ceiling to allow myself a moment of peace without the throbbing pain and everything else internally.

I took the pill bottle and dumped its contents in a small pile on my bed. I grabbed the wine bottles and opened them both up in preparation for the task at hand and placed them on the floor next to me. I took the knife and placed it against my wrist and pressed hard before I pulled it away quickly and blood immediately started to flow from the cut. I hissed at the initial pain I felt but held back any cry that wanted to pour forth from my throat. I watched as the blood gently flowed from my wrist leaving a bloody trail in its wake and mixing with the other one that continued to flow, one that would help me achieve my goal.

It was almost like euphoria after the initial pain had passed, as strange as that was. I then took a few swigs of the scotch and bourbon in combination to get a feel for the burn it caused as it went down my throat. Once I was satisfied that it was working I took three large pills off of my bed and drank them one by one until there was none left and I took more off of my bed. I stopped at six because I was feeling so dizzy and breathless. I drank some more scotch and felt the dizziness increase but I knew it wouldn't be enough to finish the job so I took two more pills and felt my body grow heavy. I couldn't move more than the fingertips of my hand so I knew that at this rate I would be dead within the next hour if not sooner because of my asthma and all of the blood I was still losing.

I closed my eyes and waited for the eternal bliss I would be in not too long from now. If only I had been more careful I would have realized that someone was ringing the doorbell frantically and pounding on the door. All I could hear was the ringing in my head, the loud buzzing that was constant and painfully loud. I knew I would soon be out of my misery and so I waited for my body to stop taking shuddering breaths. Breathing had become very difficult as an asthma attack took over and I was wheezing with it.

I didn't hear the door to my room burst open loudly or the gasp of alarm and panic coming from a voice I knew so well. I was losing my grip on reality and darkness. I was beginning to lose my senses when I felt warm arms wrap around me and hold me as the person spoke into a phone frantically. I knew who it was because I knew how _she_ felt. "Quinn? Quinn, please stay with me! Quinn, open your eyes! Please I need to see that you are still alive!" Her voice was frantic and fraught with nerves, concern, and absolute and utter panic. She was hysterical at seeing how nearly lifeless and limp my body had become in response to the blood loss from the shattered glass and my slit wrist, alcohol, medication consumption, and no lifesaving inhaler in sight. She heard my panting breaths becoming more and more difficult and she gently laid me down in search of my inhaler.

She was so frantic and when she finally discovered it in my trashcan she ran into my bathroom to sanitize it in such a Rachel way before she came back to kneel before me. She took the cap off and gently put my head on her lap before she put it to my lips to try and delay my death. I turned my head feebly away from it but she quickly took hold of my face and pressed it twice and I could breathe again. I was upset that she was prolonging my life even a little bit but I couldn't find it in myself to be angry at her because it wasn't unreasonable for her to try and save me.

I tried to open my eyes and they only did just barely. It was a tiny crack and I tried harder and managed to open them just enough to see her clearly past my eyelashes. Her face was pale and full of worry and fright. I smiled at knowing that she would be the last person I saw before my miserable life ended. I tried to work my dry throat and I only managed to cough and sputter for a few moments before it all cleared up. "Y-you … c-came," it was so difficult to get the words passed my dry lips and throat, "I … I'm glad … I-I got to … s-see … you … one last … one last t-time Rachel." Words were so hard for me to form I almost gave up but I needed to tell her this one last thing before I was gone forever.

"Quinn! Don't speak Quinn! You are only going to hurt yourself even more and you need to conserve your strength! The ambulance should be here any minute now! You are going to be okay Quinn! Just hold on!" She yelled desperately. I was almost sad that she was here to witness my final goodbye. I hadn't meant for her to be here, I hadn't meant for anyone to be present while I wasted myself away in my last attempt at some kind of salvation.

I needed to tell her though. I needed her to know this one last thing before I was gone and she would never know it. "Th-that song … I wrote … it was … it was f-for you … and … I … I wrote a note to … to say … goodbye. P-please read it. P-p-please … please … make sure … th-that … th-the club … gets it … for me? T-tell S-s-san t-t-ta n-n-na … a-and … B-brit th-that I-I'm sorry … I d-didn't … g-get t-to … s-say g-good … b-bye … t-t-to th-them." It was so hard for me to keep my eyes open at that point and I knew I was just barely clinging on to consciousness.

"Quinn! Keep your eyes open! Quinn, please open your eyes!" My eyes closed and I felt myself drift further and further away. Her voice was becoming quieter and quieter with each passing moment until it was like I was hearing her voice from underwater. It was so muffled until I couldn't hear it at all anymore. Everything was consumed by a darkness that enveloped all of my senses. I was gone.

I woke up to the feeling of hands around my throat and arms and some kind of tube being pushed down into it. I felt like I was choking, which I really was, as they turned it on and it started sucking things out of my body, out of my torn esophagus and stomach. It was pure torture, worse than the numbed state my body was in while I drank and ate away at my esophagus with medication. Someone must have noticed that I was awake because I heard shouting, garbled noises that I couldn't quite make out. A few moments later, I couldn't really judge time since I was completely out of it, I felt someone grab my arm and inject something into it. It was only a few moments later I felt myself growing dizzy and drowsy. The bright light I saw slowly swam out of focus and I was enveloped by darkness again.

The next time I woke up I felt warm hand holding my good one and a slight dip in the bed to my right. The person in question was breathing evenly in a slightly fitful sleep. I opened my eyes slowly and was glad that the lights, where my bed was located, were off so I didn't need to adjust to the lighting as much. I opened them a crack first and then closed them briefly before opening them fully and looking around the room. I saw a curtain closed around where my bed was, most likely to give me some privacy from other patients.

I noticed that I had an ivy of some sort hooked into my arm and saw that there was also a heart monitor attached to the index finger on my left hand. It took me a moment to realize that there was an oxygen mask on my face and was also a bandage that wrapped around my hand from the second knuckles of my hand down to my wrist with splotches of dried blood all over probably to stem the flow of blood. They must have gotten all of the shards out from what I could tell … the little I could feel if I was even feeling anything at all in that hand. _Of course I failed at successfully killing myself. Only an absolute and utter failure like me would be able to manage something as easy as that, something as simple as that. I can't do anything wrong._ I was upset over the fact that I was still in fact breathing, that I was still alive. The warm body sleeping near me moved and her head was nearly lying on top of my thigh and it made me shudder at her closeness and warmth.

I clenched my right fist tightly before I realized that she was holding my hand in hers tenderly. I slowly unclenched my fist when I realized my hand was in hers so as not to wake her because she looked so tired. Her face was turned toward me and I could see her face twitch and fidget every few seconds. She kept moving her head around as if she was shaking her head and it also sounded like she was mumbling something as well but I couldn't quite make it out. She must have been having a nightmare because she became progressively more agitated in sleep.

Very suddenly she sprang up and yelled out, startling the daylights out of me, "NO!" I felt my heartbeat pick up and I heard it as well because the heart monitor sounded out the erratic beating of my heart. The quick beats slowed down after about a minute of me calming myself from the mini heart attack she incited from being asleep to suddenly sitting up and yelling. She looked over at me when she heard my heart monitor start beating madly in synch with my pounding heart. Her face went through several emotions in the span of a few seconds; panic, shock, relief, happiness, anguish, hurt, confusion, and pain. The pain that flashed through those warm brown eyes pained me.

We spent a few moments just looking at each other, her face full of sorrow and confusion. She looked so hurt and broken, almost as broken as I felt for the past few weeks and for failing yet again. I failed myself and my mother and the Glee Club for not successfully ending my miserable existence.

I could see the questions in her face, the obvious ache in her eyes. She looked like she was about to cry and I felt myself break just a little bit more inside at the blatant pain showing in her face and her eyes. Her beautiful brown eyes were filled to the brim with unshed tears. She opened her mouth and a sob escaped her trembling lips and she closed her lips a moment later to try to stop any more from spilling forth. "Why?" Her voice was so soft and it cracked, barely a whisper. "Why Quinn? … just tell me why." She sounded and looked so completely broken that a sob tried to break its way through my painfully dry throat. Before I knew it hot tears were trickling down my cheeks slowly, making a trail down my face and breaking against my collarbone.

I tried to move, to sit myself up a little bit to shift the angle that I was uncomfortably left in, but Rachel grabbed onto me and held fast when I tried to move. "Quinn you shouldn't try to move on your own. You shouldn't even be attempting to move at all because you are in such a physically frail state right now. You … when I went to your house to talk to you, I … I was so scared when you wouldn't answer the doorbell! I saw your car in your garage because it was still open so I knew that you were home but you didn't answer the door. When I … when I found you, you looked so fragile, so broken, and you were barely conscious! Do you know how frightened I was? I thought you were dead before you opened your eyes! And then what made it all worse was I saw the wine bottles and the pills and the knife and you threw away your inhaler and … and your hand … it was so … there was so much blood all over your arm … and … the shards … I couldn't … see anything but blood … so I knew … I knew it wasn't an accident. And then … and then you spoke to me and what you said … I … I was so hurt … I kept telling you over and over again that you could come talk to me about anything. I kept reaching out to you … but you pushed me away … each time. Please … just tell me why. I … I need to know why you couldn't talk to me or anyone else in the club." Her voice was frantic and hurt, so hurt and so completely broken. I felt all of my resolve … all of the walls and guards I put up … I felt all of it shatter completely because of those warm, beautiful, brown orbs I had come to care for so much … love even.

"I …" my voice croaked from being so dry and it hurt, it was throbbing painfully and it tasted horribly like blood. She shook her head gently and placed a gentle hand on my face.

"You don't have to divulge anything now Quinn. Your throat must be in agony and so very dry. I will go ask the nurses for a glass of water for you because anything else will be too acidic or carbonated … maybe tea if you would prefer that?" Breathing hurt too but I managed to utter out an answer to her. "I will be right back Quinn. Don't try to move! I will be right back and then … and then I can convince myself … I can truly believe that you are still alive and that this isn't a dream … a wistful dream." She was looking right into my eyes and she stared right into them for a few more moments before she looked away and stood. She stopped at the door and turned her head to look at me briefly before she left almost as if she was making sure that I really was still here, that I was truly still alive and not a figment of her dreams. The way she looked at me I could see every emotion passing through those expressive, beautiful eyes I fell in love with.

I nodded my understanding and tried to smile passed the excruciating pain I felt throughout my entire aching body. I tried to sit up again just a little bit more to take the pressure off of my neck to ease my troubled breathing. Every breath I took was a strained rasp despite the oxygen being pumped into my nose and mouth by the oxygen mask every five seconds. It hurt to breathe, it hurt to live; everything just hurt. I couldn't believe after all of the painstaking effort and planning I put into this one thing, my suicide, and it all failed in the end. I failed myself and my mother and Glee; I had failed everyone in this one task.

I wanted to sob out my frustrations with myself. I wanted to weep with misery. I wanted to cry out in desperation. I wanted to find some form of release from all of this pain and agony I was feeling. I just wanted it all to end. I was alive but I wasn't really living. I was just going through the motions of life instead of enjoying any part of it … I just absolutely hated that I was only breathing and not living. *Receiving love doesn't mean you have it, covering time doesn't mean it passes, breathing doesn't mean you live. I felt like I had found my answer only to have it stripped away from me by … a concerned … teammate. The worst part was that I just couldn't find it in myself to be mad at her at all for taking this away from me because … I felt far too much for her … I was in too deep.

I didn't and couldn't find fault in Rachel or her actions because she was only doing what she thought best, what she thought was helping me. She couldn't have known that I was so despicable that I can't even stand myself or the sins I had committed against my Savior, my God. She couldn't have known that I was only trying to right a wrong that I had been committing since I saw her, from the moment I saw her. Everything changed the day I met her, the day I fell for her. Nothing she did was out of a malicious intent … she only wanted to help so I could only find it in myself to love her even more for her actions. She cared, she truly cared.

It was only a few moments later after that thought Rachel came back with two Styrofoam cups in hand. She looked to be walking carefully in order not to trip to avoid any chance of her spilling the contents on the floor … or on me for that matter. "Okay so I have a cup of warm … well mildly hot tea and another cup with some nice cool water from a filter, which I'm surprised at considering what hospital personnel usually drink." She added the last part as an afterthought and I couldn't help but notice how absolutely adorable and endearing the sight of her like that was. If things were under different circumstances I might have had the courage to actually tell her that she was being absolutely adorable. It was quite the sight to behold; her holding the contents of the two cups carefully all while scrunching her eyebrows in thought.

I attempted to sit up further so that I could actually swallow the drink with relative ease once she handed it to me much to Rachel's chagrin and disapproval. "No, no, no Quinn! What did I say about that?" She hastily put the cups on a counter and rushed over to me to help support me as moved to sit upright. She tsked as she held my arm in a strong but gentle grip with her right hand while her left hand was on my back to support me. She gingerly pulled at the oxygen mask until it was tucked under my chin before she turned to get the tea. She blew on it for a few seconds to cool it before she held it to my lips and gently tilted it so that it trickled slowly into my mouth, careful not to choke me.

She was being so completely gentle with me like she thought I was made of glass. I didn't deserve it at all; I did not deserve an ounce of her kindness after how I had blatantly ignored her reaching out to me. I could not allow myself to feel the kindness in her touch and care to make sure I didn't choke on the tea trickling passed my dry and cracked lips. I brought a weak hand up to stop her and she only pulled it away from my lips the tiniest fraction of an inch. "Quinn, you need to finish this. Your throat is most likely raw and dehydrated from the tube that was used to extract the lethal combination of medication and alcohol from your stomach." She tried to bring the cup that fraction of an inch back to my lips but I turned my face away from it. I put my hand up in a sign for her to stop, to wait for me to gather the strength to speak.

"R-Rachel …" I felt a cough bubbling up in my throat so paused to try and clear my throat. "Rachel," I tried again, "I … I don't … d-deserve … your … k-kindness. I … am so … so …" and my throat got the better of me.

"That is enough Quinn! Please do not try to speak until you have finished drinking the rest of this tea. It has honey in it and it should soothe your throat." I begrudgingly allowed her to give me the rest of the tea only so that I could tell her what it was I wanted to say. The tea really did help soothe the burning ache in my throat and I was grateful for Rachel's kindness and thoughtfulness … but I didn't deserve it at all.

I spoke passed the still aching dryness in my throat. "You're being too … kind Rachel. I … I don't deserve your compassion … at all. I … I … I'm sorry I failed … I failed so miserably to … do this one thing … and now you have to … be here with me. It was … so unfair of me … to not … make sure I … finished … what I set out … to do … earlier today. I … I didn't try hard enough … and I … I failed. I failed Him … and I failed … my mother … and all of you guys." I couldn't take the stinging in my throat anymore so I stopped there.

Rachel looked so heartbroken over what I said … she looked so utterly anguished and hurt was shining in her teary eyes. She looked so broken and confused. "Quinn … I … I don't understand why you think … why you would think that I … would want you dead … why your mother and everyone in Glee Club would want you gone! Quinn I … I was so panicked and frightened when I saw your body lying limply on the floor … prone and motionless! I appreciate that you are aware of your past mistakes but … to go to this extent … to feel as if you need to end your own life to … to atone for your … past … going as far as that … that … I cannot comprehend. Why do you feel this way? Why do you want to kill yourself so much? You're not a bad person Quinn! You are just a confused and lost girl!" The tears were now falling freely and streaking down her cheeks. I reached my good hand up and tenderly wiped them away.

She closed her eyes at the contact and leaned into my touch. I comforted her the only way I could now because I knew my next words would shatter everything in this peaceful moment between us. I knew she wouldn't be able to understand what I had to say next. I took a deep breath of air and realized that the oxygen mask was still on my face and it was a nuisance so I brought my free hand up to remove it. Rachel opened her eyes when she heard my voice and she looked like she wanted to protest my removal of the oxygen mask but she waited to hear what I had to say in way of explanation.

"I know … you won't be able to … understand this … but I … I hate myself Rachel. I … hate myself … so much. I … I don't deserve … anything good … because I have … been so … horrible and … I … I have been … keeping a … a terrible … secret to myself. God … He must hate me too … because I am … a terrible … terrible child. I … have … committed … so many … sins … that He must … hate me for it. I … will rot … for eternity in … hell because … because I'm such a … terrible child. I don't … deserve the life … I have been … given by Him. He is … too good … and I am … bad." I would have continued on with my speech of great self loathing but Rachel stopped me with a trembling, gentle finger to my lips.

She shook her head slowly with her eyes closed tightly, almost as if they were shut because of the pain she was feeling. When she opened her eyes they were brimming with unshed tears and they were so full of ache and agony. Her lower lip quivered as she opened her mouth to speak. Her shoulders were shaking terribly in silent sorrow.

"Quinn … you shouldn't hate yourself. I have never hated you no matter what vile words passed your lips, no matter how cruel you were, I never once hated you. I was always sad for you because I knew you were unhappy and that you were just lashing out because you knew no other way of dealing with things. I can't imagine being brought up in the kind of household you did because … it was so cold and full of conditional love. I don't know how that feels at all because I grew up with the unconditional love and caring of two fathers who will never judge me for who I am. Your parents raised you with expectations and if you didn't meet them … they would tell you, you were a disappointment and I could see that. Every time you did something to hurt me … it was out of anger and self hatred. I could see it so clearly in your eyes and I couldn't find it in myself to hate you for it. I could only feel sad and disappointed that you weren't being given the love you should have. I never once thought that it was out of cruelty and I know that it doesn't excuse you nor does it make you even begin to forgive yourself but I just … I kept trying to help you because I knew you hated yourself but I … couldn't for the life of me fathom the reason behind your extreme self hatred. You are a pretty girl but that isn't the only the thing you are least of all the most prominent thing. You are so intelligent and driven. You are so kind when you allow yourself to be a little less guarded and you are funny and creative. I know for a fact that you are an astounding artist and you have such an exceptionally unique way of seeing the world. I saw the pictures and paintings in your room Quinn and throughout your home … when I first came into your house I was astonished by the large and majestic pictures and paintings of landscapes and people. You are a brilliant artist and you have a large heart full of compassion. I was blown away by this particular picture that stood out most out of all of the paintings on the walls … you had a painting of Mother Teresa feeding the poor and it just … I have no words for how it made me feel. You are so kind Quinn and I wish you could see it; I wish you could see what I see. I wish you could see the person I see whenever I look at you because she is amazing and wonderful, she is beautiful and kind, and she is you Quinn."

I was stunned into silence by how sincere and genuine Rachel was being despite how cruel and downright vindictive I had been toward her. I only realized that I had been crying when I felt her soft, very unmanly, hands wipe away tears from my face. "I … you really … think that?" When she nodded I closed my eyes to try and reign in the emotions and the sob threatening to escape my sore throat. I opened them again slowly to see the sympathy and care just pouring from her beautiful brown eyes. "I … I know you are a … particularly loquacious girl but … this was a particularly garrulous speech even for you Rachel." Her jaw dropped in shock and she looked a little offended until she saw the mischievous twinkle in my eyes and the small smile on my face.

"Why I never, Quinn Fabray, did you just make a joke! I believe you did and it was at my expense but … I suppose that under the circumstances I can … forgive you just because you are in a hospital bed right now. Mark my words though the next time I will give you quite the verbal lashing … a diatribe if you will." And the laughter that was bubbling in my throat broke loose and though it hurt terribly I wouldn't have it any other way because we were enjoying each other's company and we were having a good laugh. We were having such a good time I didn't have to worry about anything else just yet. "Stop laughing so hard! You are hurting your throat! Here drink all of this ice cold water! It should help your throat a bit Quinn."

I smiled at how absolutely adorable it was that she was fussing over me. Once I was done with the cup and she threw it away and was settled against the chair again I spoke. "Yes mother dearest." And she pouted adorably at me and I felt laughter trying to escape the confines of my throat again.

"I beg to differ it is 'mommy dearest' Quinnie." And it was my turn to pout at her. She smiled in response and a soft look came over her face. It gave me hope that even if we might never date … we could be friends and I would take what I could get.

Our little bubble of happy playfulness ended when my mother came bursting through the curtain with a worried face. She immediately started yelling. "How could you do this to me Quinnie? I can't believe how selfish you are! Do you know how worried I was when I got the phone call about you trying to commit suicide? I was at work and then I got a call from the hospital stating that you overdosed on my pain medication and alcohol and on top of all of that you slit your wrist too and you shattered a mirror in the house with your fist! I am so disappointed in you Quinn!" Her voice was full of anger and worry was just barely showing in her actions and voice.

I felt the hot tears fall down my face in quick succession at her yelling and her incredulous face. Her words were full of ire despite the fact that she said she was worried. I felt a painful stab in my chest with every word that fell from her lips and I distantly heard the heart monitor speed up rapidly with each aching word.

I heard Rachel's voice as she tried to diffuse the situation. "Mrs. Fabray, please calm down. Quinn is very weak right now and her heart can't take any stress because it is very fragile right now. It would be in both of your best interests to take a few deep breaths to calm down and calm your riled emotions. I understand that you are very upset right now but you don't understand the circumstances of Quinn's attempt at suicide." Rachel was cut off by my mother's cold and cruel words.

"And who do you think you are to tell me what to do and how to handle my daughter? You are the daughter of those disgustingly filthy men who parade around as if their love is normal. You are a lost and poor unfortunate girl to have to live with those two perverse men and their sinful ways. You are a poor dear who doesn't know right from wrong because they have raised you and taught you that it is okay to sin. You know nothing little girl." She spat out viciously, cruelly, maliciously.

My mother was being vile and horrible and I could do nothing to stop it. My heartbeat was pounding wildly in my chest and it hurt so much and I felt myself gasping for air that wouldn't come. Everything was starting to blur and morph into dizzying shapes that made no sense to me … just blobs of color. I felt my eyes become unfocused and everything seemed to be spinning wildly right before my eyes. I couldn't breathe and Rachel took notice of it immediately and took action instantly.

"No Quinn, stay with me!" She yelled as she pulled the oxygen mask back on to my face desperately. "I'll get the nurse but stay with me Quinn!" She pressed the call button for the nurse and I lost consciousness only moments later. The last thing I heard was a distant voice calling out to me and I felt warm hands on my shoulders shaking me gently.

Yes I am evil I know but I always say AKTF always keep the faith!^^ This is my mantra and motto and has been since 2009 if anyone understands that significance at all. Well until the next chapter!^^

姫宮光る


	6. Cry

Chapter 6

Cry

I try to erase you in my flowing tears  
>I can't do anything but leave your side neatly<br>You're leaving so easily  
>I don't trust women like you<p>

Your freezing cold voice, your harsh gaze  
>Oh dry lips cold as ice<br>Hey baby, what should I do?

What can I do?

Can we go back?

You made me cry (you)  
>The reason I live for, please don't leave me<br>Just tell me why (why)  
>Oh wipe my tears, tell me I'm so crazy (yeah)<br>I scream out, I shout out loudly  
>This isn't the end, it hurts so much<br>I cry out  
>Please don't abandon me, baby<p>

Oh baby you made me cry, yeah

Oh baby you made me cry, yeah  
>Oh baby just tell my why, yeah<p>

Oh baby you made me cry, yeah

You're my everything,

Not another person

You will regret it,

My only, you're so precious  
>As days go by I get more hurt<br>I can't breathe anymore

Oh I turned white before I knew it  
>Oh I have been abandoned by you<br>Black, like this black

Everything is burned black

You made me cry (you)  
>The reason I live for, please don't leave me<br>Just tell me why (why)  
>Oh wipe my tears, tell me I'm so crazy (yeah)<br>I scream out, I shout out loudly  
>This isn't the end, it hurts so much<br>I cry out  
>Please don't abandon me, baby<p>

Don't make me cry (don't make me cry)  
>The tears block my view so I can't see<br>I feel suffocated, even if I scream your name (oh)  
>You don't seem to hear<p>

I can't bear it anymore because I need you in my life  
>Will you embrace me so that these tears will stop?<p>

I will stand here until you come back again, day and night  
>Even if my friends pity me it's ok because my heart<br>Beating without you is just an empty shell like a stiff mannequin  
>Come back to me, I'm so sorry<p>

Ah! No, no, no you

Don't make me cry (cry)  
>Now I cry, cry, I'm tired and I break down yeah!<p>

I'm okay (oh baby)

Come back to me, hurry, I'm so crazy  
>I scream out, I shout out loudly<br>This isn't the end, it hurts so much  
>I cry out<br>Please don't abandon me, baby

Oh baby you made me cry, yeah

Oh baby you made me cry, yeah  
>Oh baby just tell my why, yeah<p>

Oh baby you made me cry, yeah

I had been in the hospital for far too long … I was in for at least a week … maybe even longer I couldn't really tell anymore. I had requested a few things from Rachel with permission from my mother. My mother … though she seemed to realize how serious the situation was … how close she was to losing me forever she seemed to straighten up. That by no means meant that I was going to allow the situation to just blow over as if it had never happened. I was still very much upset and the song Cry came out of it … but I didn't want it to be completely obvious that I had written it because of my mother … that it was aimed directly at her and how she had hurt me so much. She had most definitely made me cry very many times and I was thinking of another song that was just on the tip of my pen … so to speak.

I was so lost in my thoughts I hadn't noticed that someone was watching me from the doorway silently. I jumped when a voice spoke quietly, softly, sadly, "Q … how are you today?" Over the weekend I'd had more visitors than I could count really. All of Glee Club, including Mr. Schuester, came to visit me as well as Coach Sylvester, Ms. Pillsbury, Blaine, and a few members of the squad not to mention some students I was friends with. The only ones who really knew why I was in the hospital in the first place were Glee Club … and Mr. Schuester by extension because the letter I had written about my reasons.

I was still in some shock over Coach Sylvester's visit because of how emotional she was and how … sad and upset she looked. She visited on Monday, when she first found out, and every single day after with that same look on her face. I had never seen such an emotion on her face before … I had never seen her look so sad before, so upset. She had shown many things before; anger, disappointment, hate, satisfaction, self-righteousness, arrogance, thoughtfulness, confusion, shock, and many other things but never … sorrow. She had never shown that kind of emotion before and it shocked me … and it hurt, it seared, it burned, and festered with shame and regret. I never wanted to hurt anyone like that again least of all Coach Sylvester. As crass and downright cruel as she could be … she was still human and she had shown me so much compassion and care I had never seen her show anyone else as freely as she did me.

My heart monitor picked up momentarily from my slight scare. "Oh shit! Sorry Q! I didn't mean to startle you!" Santana was soon standing by my side and holding me so tenderly in her arms I felt a rush of emotions overcome me. It was so hard to know that she felt so much guilt over what had happened even though … I had never let on to any of it.

I held her arms with my hands gently; my left hand was mending very slowly because of how deeply the shards had been embedded into my skin, and felt myself mend just a little from the comfort I felt. I was so sad over how almost everyone in the club blamed themselves for not seeing it sooner. Rachel, Santana, and Brittany seemed to be hit by the guilty feelings the hardest out of everyone because they felt they should have done more. I had never seen bright and effervescent Brittany cry before … and it was a sight I _never_ wanted to see again.

"No … San don't you dare feel guilty. It was just a mild start … I'm much better now. I am actually doing so much better they are thinking of releasing me within the next few days. I … I … I'm so, so sorry Santana. I … I never meant to make you or Brittany … or anyone cry. I never meant to hurt you guys … I … I didn't think you … I didn't think any of you guys would feel responsible or … or so hurt because … because I was being so, so _stupid_ and … and insecure!" Santana held me tighter because she understood my need to let these things out. When everyone first initially visited I was extremely out of it because I was on so much medication after my mother's outburst. They had to stabilize me again and I was in so much pain they had to risk giving me something to at least numb the pain I had in my body to insure that I wouldn't have another attack too soon. The emotional pain I was in triggered a melt down and they needed to at least take some of the physical pain in my body in order to help stabilize my weak body.

"Q … Brit … she wanted to come see you today with me but … she didn't want you to feel bad in case she cried. She actually … she actually came with me but … she didn't want to come in the room because she … she's scared of upsetting you. I … know that … you want to see her though so … should I … bring her in now?" I had never heard so much hesitation in Santana's voice before … I had never heard her voice crack so much because of how emotional she was. I remembered how she paused when she was nervous about coming out to the club but even then she never hesitated because of the conviction she felt, because of how much she loved Brittany. She just needed the time to collect herself out of nervousness then … this … this was something so much more than that … this was her breaking in front of me. This was her not just crying but also breaking down in front of me.

I nodded slowly and buried my face into the crook of her neck. She understood the unsaid words I spoke through my actions, my need for her gentle touch right then to know that she had forgiven me for my stupidity.

Santana's body was shaking as she held me tightly against her small frame. I never wanted to hurt my friends or my mother … I never meant to hurt the people who meant the world to me … I never meant for any of this to happen at all. The people I care about most and who care for me in turn … were hurt by the stupidity of my actions. I scared them and hurt them by trying to end my own life so selfishly.

I felt another pair of arms envelop me on the other side of the bed and I looked up from my position buried in Santana's neck to see a tearful Brittany holding me tightly. She looked so torn and broken … sadder than I ever cared to see her … because Brittany was never sad. She had looked disappointed before … hurt before … maybe even a little upset before but never had she looked so sad an broken than she did right now and it was because of me. It was all because of my selfish wish and actions. The words my mother spoke last week before I collapsed again echoed in my ears like a broken record repeating one thing over and over again.

"Don't cry Quinn, San. You … you can't blame yourself anymore Quinn. You were hurting and you just didn't know who to turn to … who to trust and so you kept it all to yourself and it isn't your fault okay? San doesn't blame you, I don't blame you, Rachel doesn't blame, Coach doesn't blame you, Glee Club doesn't blame you … no one blames you Quinn … no one but you. You can't blame yourself anymore though Quinn because you have all of us! We're your family aren't we? Families turn to each other when they can't do something by alone … when they need help they turn to each other. From now on you have to promise us that you will come to any one of us first before you try to do something alone again. That way you won't hurt yourself and you won't hurt any of us by doing something like that ever again. We all love you Quinn so … please, don't ever do something like that again." Brittany was comforting me in a way I didn't think was possible. Rachel had made me feel so much regret over my actions in a way that I didn't think was possible and now Brittany was making me feel a little bit lighter because she didn't blame me.

I understood now that none of them hated me the way I thought they had … or should because of how insecure I was. I realized that my abhorrent feelings toward myself reflected what I thought everyone felt toward me so incorrectly. It was only how I felt about myself mirrored in others in my mind … I twisted what they said to make it feel real.

"I'm so, so sorry Brittany … Santana … I never meant to hurt either of you or the club or … Coach or … or anyone. I … I was … I was being so selfish because I thought … I thought I was … saving you the trouble of … of …" I couldn't finish. I couldn't finish that sentence because of the irreversible damage it would do to their fragile mental states … and mine.

Another voice joined us, a voice I knew so well. "I … Quinn … you know that we are all a family even if it seems like you're alone … you will never be because you have all of us to count on. Santana and Brittany aren't your only friends … all of the club, Mr. Schuester included, Coach Sylvester, and even your mother … we all want what is best for you. We don't want to see you in pain like this … you will always have us … our strength to lean on, our shoulders to cry on, and our ears to listen to you. You will always have our support Quinn because we care, we care _so_ much about you, and we don't want to see you in pain and shouldering all of your burdens alone. We are here for you when you need us. We will always listen to what you have to say without judging you because that is what a family is. Your joy is doubled with all of sharing it and your pain is halved because we will take on some of the burden of your pain and sorrow." She spoke with so much conviction I felt even more tears spill from my eyes … but these tears weren't the same as the pain I had been feeling … these tears were the tears of understanding.

"Quinn, don't cry anymore … I think you've been crying for far too long. You need to smile now because we're here for you Q. We all care for you so much; we're all your family! Even Rachel over there is family! She's been here to see you every single day and … I shudder at the thought of what would have happened if she hadn't found you. If it weren't for her … we wouldn't even be able to see you ever again." Santana took a deep breath and she gently settled me into Brittany's arms instead. She walked over to Rachel and looked her right in the eyes as she spoke next. "Thank you … so much … Rachel." Her voice was barely a whisper but what she said spoke volumes. "If … it hadn't been for you … I … Q-Quinn …" and she took Rachel into her arms as she cried tears of gratitude. "I know that … I know that we were never really friends but … after this … I promise you that … I will do whatever it takes to show you how … completely grateful I am for what you did. Without you … Quinn would …" and she couldn't continue.

The sight of those two hugging so warmly despite how awkward it should have been was heartbreakingly beautiful. I had never seen anything that made me heart quiver quite like that before … something that was just so heartrendingly, achingly, powerfully, wonderfully beautiful. It was a sight I never thought I would ever see in my life because of how much Rachel annoyed Santana … but this … proved that a single event really did have a profound and life changing effect on the lives of others. I never knew that this one choice I made could affect other people so much, just one decision and one Santana Lopez was hugging one Rachel Berry out of gratitude. I knew that Santana would never insult Rachel ever again because of how indebted she felt toward Rachel for what she did.

Rachel looked so beautiful standing there with her eyes closed with her tiny frame being wrapped up into Santana. Her eyes could be seen over Santana's shoulder because of how small she was and it was such an endearing sight to behold.

I didn't realize it then but Brittany had been watching me and she truly was much brighter than everyone gave her credit for. Only Santana and I really knew the extent of how smart she was and how much she didn't let on. "Quinn … your secret is safe with me." Brittany whispered softly next to my ear. I pulled back a little to look at her and I saw what she saw. She saw that the way I looked at Rachel was the way Santana looked at Brittany and Brittany reflected … love. I never thought that Brittany would be the first person to catch me red handed because … I thought I was being careful … I didn't think anyone would notice but … those few words she whispered shattered that thought completely.

"Thank you Brittany." I nuzzled into her neck again and Brittany sat down on the bed so she didn't have to lean down as far since she was taller than me even and had to lean down so far. I felt very tired from the emotional drain from the last half hour or so and I yawned and brought a hand up to rub at my eyes.

I heard cooing and awing and looked up to see that Rachel was looking at me with a gentle smile and that Santana was looking at me with the softest look I had ever seen on her face. I looked over to my left to see that it was Brittany who was cooing and awing at me with a happy smile on her face. "You were yawning like a cute little baby Quinn and then, and then when you rubbed at your eyes … oh you looked just like how you did when you were younger! You are so cute Quinnie!" Brittany gushed and I felt my cheeks flame up and to my utter shock Santana walked up to me and pinched my cheeks. It was so uncharacteristic of her I felt my eyes bulge out of their sockets and my jaw drop in shock.

"You are so cute! I just had to pinch your cheeks Q! Brit is right you look just like a little child version of you yawning and rubbing your eyes like that." I heard a soft chuckle and saw that Rachel was trying her hardest to hold in her laughter and that she was smiling softly at the sight.

"You really are quite adorable Quinn. I don't think I have ever seen someone our age look quite so innocent and childlike while yawning and rubbing their eyes like you just did. It really was quite adorable and you looked just like a child and I also felt the urge to treat you like a child and tuck you in." My blush intensified at her words and I felt my face grow hot because of the soft and gentle look on her face and then her words … I felt my heartbeat start to beat a bit faster. I had to make sure it didn't become too noticeable because I didn't want the heart monitor to start beating crazily in time with my heart.

Another song just popped into my head … words were slowly coming together to form yet another song that I wanted to write down. I looked around and saw the notebook I left on the chair to the right of my bed and I without me saying a word Rachel noticed and grabbed it and my pen for me. I was a little speechless because I wasn't sure how she knew what I wanted almost as soon as the thought occurred to me.

"Oh um … thank you … how did you …?" I was confused how she seemed to just know what I wanted. She smiled in response and looked bashful and timid as she took a step back and looked down at the floor.

"Well uh … I was actually hoping that you were thinking about writing another song because your eyes darted to the notebook and … well I just really want to hear more songs from you Quinn. You have a very pretty voice and you are amazing at writing and composing songs from what I can see as well as the rest of the club. You really are amazing and I just wish you could see yourself the way I do … the Santana, Brittany, and the rest of the club do. We all see you for who you are more than you do and it is a shame, a real darn shame that you don't. If you could see yourself the way we see you … I think … I would like to think that … that you would have never felt so tempted to do something so drastic." Her words hit my heart and I felt the guilty feelings resurface but … in a different way … in a way that made me feel as if I would be able to go on because I understood a bit more now. "We … um … we should be going so Quinn can rest her body so it can heal faster and … I don't think I want to stand in the way of that brilliant brain of yours writing and composing."

With that said Rachel hugged me gently and soothingly ran a hand up and down my back for a few moments before she let go. She placed a tender kiss on the top of my head before she walked to the door and looked at me on last time. "I am so glad … that none of this is a dream." She faltered only once but the emotion in her voice was so clear and pure … and a single tear fell from her eye.

"Rachel is right. We should let you get some rest. We'll be back later check up on you Quinn." Santana and Brittany held me in their arms and held tightly for a few minutes before finally pulling away. They both took my hand, Brittany barely held my hand for fear of hurting me, and squeezed very gently before letting go. They stopped at the doorway just as Rachel had but they both waved and smiled sadly unlike she had before they both left me to the silence of the hospital room.

Only Human

On the other shore of sorrow, surely there is a smile

On the other shore of sorrow, surely there is a smile

Finally, struggling, we reached ahead, what were we waiting for?

Running away from the consequences for the sake of chasing after a dream

A journey appeared on that distant summer day I was abandoned by my friends

If only I could see tomorrow, and even if the consequences of not breathing are so

Wishing that I could go against the current of the stream like a boat

Look ahead now and continue moving forward

In this place, filled with eternal anguish and suffering, it is said that we look forward to happiness

I'm still searching for it, the sunflower of this seasons' end

I hold this fist tightly, waiting for the morning sun

Behind red nails and tears, a momentary flash of light fades

Even though it is true that I, too, experience loneliness

Relying on the glow of the moon

Scattered feathers of these wings fly away

Still look ahead and move forward now

Even as rain clouds cut through soaking this shining street

We are still learning through the enveloping darkness

A stronger, more resilient light

Look ahead with strength and move forward

I stared at the page for a moment before I felt satisfied with the words in black ink instead of Green. I just couldn't bear to use the same pen I had used to write my note of unbearable pain and anguish because it was too painful a reminder. I had never imagined my actions having the opposite effect I had thought they would because of the strong feelings of self loathing I had. I knew now that I couldn't go on like that and … I would have to learn how to accept my friend's help and their outstretched hand this time around.

Being in this hospital had me thinking about so many things … there was so much I needed to do … so much I needed to sort out in my own mind. I could not, I absolutely could not, go on thinking about my desire to die and how much I hate myself because that would only cause a repeat of this. I never ever wanted to hurt anyone because of my careless actions but … I made Brittany and Santana cry … I made Rachel cry … I made Puck and Mike cry … even Finn cried. He actually felt bad over what happened because it was only the week before he had been so rude with me and he felt that it was partially his fault this happened.

I closed my eyes and lay back against the worn out pillow I had been lying on for the better part of a week. I had a mind to ask Santana, Brittany, or Rachel to grab one of my pillows at home because I really could not stand this flat as heck pillow. It was so uncomfortable to sleep on because it was like sleeping on a small stack of paper and oh so annoying. Every morning I woke up with an aching and strained neck much to my chagrin and displeasure.

I was so tired even though I had all of the time in the world … well … I still had to do homework because Santana, Brittany, and Rachel all took turns bringing my homework assignments to me. Rachel even took the time to help me with understanding notes from our Algebra II class but thankfully for me … there was no blackboard in sight. If I had to sit through watching her demonstrate on a blackboard … while her fine ass shook with each step … I think I might have tried to jump her several times by now. Oh God the images that I saw had me feeling so … _no bad thoughts Quinn … stop thinking about … how hot it would be if her skirt rode up just a little too … NO! BAD QUINN! BAD QUINN!_ I buried my face into my hands and rubbed my right hand against my face.

"Um … Quinn … are … are you feeling all right? You appear to be very distressed." She sounded so concerned and worried. She walked quickly to where I was and sat on the right side of the bed and pulled me into her arms. I collapsed into her warm arms easily and she held me gently in her arms and squeezed me to her so warmly and I felt myself shake in her arms with silent, dry sobs. I couldn't possibly allow myself to feel any attraction toward her and yet … I couldn't help but find myself becoming more and more attracted to her … I was feeling more than a crush. I was undeniably in like with her … I found her rants to be absolutely endearing and adorable and how she refused to let other people bring her down for being who she was. There were just so many things about her that drew me to her … had me feeling so much for her and I couldn't get myself to stop.

I eventually calmed down after feeling her hand gently rub my back soothing and her other hand patted my head so tenderly. I couldn't help but feel myself calm down because of her gentle touch, her caring touch, just feeling her so close to me had a profound effect on me. She was so close … so very close to me and yet … she couldn't be further away from me all at the same time. She was sitting right here … I was in her arms … my head was resting in the crook of her neck, snuggled so gently, and yet … she was still so far away. I was pressed as close to her as I possibly could be physically and yet … it felt like we were miles away from each other.

I pulled away from her slowly and looked into her eyes and saw the obvious concern and worry just pouring from those beautiful brown orbs. I loved how expressive her eyes were … how I could see every emotion she was feeling in them so easily. I knew then … in that very moment I knew what I had to do … I couldn't allow her to come any closer … I couldn't allow myself to fall for her. I had to make sure that I didn't take that last step toward ruin because … because then I would never be able to let her go … to let these feelings go and I would be drawn and tempted toward another painful mistake.

I saw the questions in her eyes … the questions I couldn't answer. I didn't know how to answer them … all I knew was that I had to distance myself from the one person I wanted most. I wanted her … I desired her … I craved her warmth … her touch … I craved for something I couldn't have … and because of that … I would have to make sure she _never_ found out about my secret attraction. I couldn't allow her to get closer to me because all that would lead to would be more heartbreak for me, more shattering beyond repair.

I felt the burn in my eyes from the tears that were gathering in my eyes … but I would not allow them to fall in her presence. I couldn't allow her to witness my weakness getting the better of me … my vulnerability toward her mere presence. I wanted to know what it was that made me feel this way but … I knew there was no way of figuring out the truer reason for attraction with science. Scientists could guess and theorize all they wanted but there was never a guarantee that there is an exact formula for attraction which eventually leads to love because … love is so unpredictable. There was no way any scientist could tell me the reason I was … attracted to Rachel … they couldn't possibly conjure up a formula that would explain the reason I liked her so much. That meant to me that they would never be able to … undo my gayness … they would never be able to fix me.

"Quinn? Quinn? Quinn?" Her voice was becoming frantic the less I responded and I finally snapped out of my thoughts when I felt her gently take hold of my shoulders and shake them so carefully. "Quinn, are you all right? You … you didn't respond even though I called out your name several times and … you looked as if you wanted to cry for a moment. You're scaring me Quinn. Please tell me what is bothering you so." She was pleading with me … practically begging me to tell her what was wrong and Rachel Berry _never_ begged for _anything_ … no she demanded instead. She demanded respect; she _asked_ for things … she never begged for _anything_.

I put my mask on and replied with a steady, calm voice. "I … I'm okay Rachel … really I am … I was just … lost in thought." And I could tell immediately that what I had said … or rather not said hurt her more than anything because she looked near tears now.

"Quinn, you are many things … but I never once thought you to be a liar. Why? I thought … I thought that after everything that transpired last week you would be able to open up to me. I … suppose I was wrong in thinking that things would be different … that you would be different but … I suppose that was just wishful thinking wasn't it Quinn?" She was so upset and hurt in a way I had never seen before. I couldn't let her go like this and so without thinking I grabbed her wrist just as she stood up to leave.

"No … please don't go … please don't leave me … I … I … Rachel." Now I was the one pleading. I couldn't let her leave thinking that she meant absolutely nothing to me … because she meant so much more than anyone else in my life. Santana and Brittany would always be my best friends and they would always have a special place in my heart but … I didn't like them the same way I liked Rachel. "I'm sorry I just … I … I'm not very … good with opening up and … and I know that it is something I need to change but … but I … I can't change overnight Rachel … how can you expect that of me? We … I … I've only just begun the process of healing … and learning how to cope differently … I've only just started trying to open up to you more … I can't do more than try though Rachel."

The tears I had been holding back started falling down in hot rivulets down my cheeks and they crashed into my bandaged hand. It stung … it burned as I felt the salty tears soak the bandage and rub against my still sensitive skin. I cried out and pulled my left hand up only to realize that movement only made it hurt worse as it caused the bandage to rub against my skin more forcefully. I momentarily let go of her wrist in favor of tearing the bandages off of my left hand. Rachel gasped and her hand covered mine gently. I looked up to her and saw the mild panic in her eyes.

"What in the world are you doing Quinn? You can't just remove these bandages!" She was incredulous and I tilted my head back as I sighed and took a deep breath before I let it out slowly before I spoke.

"Rachel I'm not trying to remove them because I had nothing better to do. I … a tear … well a few tears landed on the bandage and the salt is literally soaking into the bandages and hurting me. As they say 'rubbing salt in the wound' and it really is stinging and I just wanted to take them off. I was going to call a nurse once I got them off, really I was." I said in explanation.

Her face was far too adorable for words. Her eyebrows were furrowed and her mouth was open in the shape of an 'o' and she even let out that single word and it was such an endearing sight. "Oh … right." I couldn't help but chuckle and smile at how extremely adorable and endearing she was being. I felt my heart flutter and my stomach tighten with knots at being able to see her being this way. "Um … would you like me to alert the nurse for you?" Her moment of speechlessness just made me fall a little further in like with her.

"Rachel Barbara Berry … what am I going to do with you?" I said, smiling softly. Her cheeks flushed adorably and I felt my heart skip a beat at the sight and I heard it … quite literally. Oops … darn heart monitor. It was always giving me away when I was trying to be discreet and I wanted to yank the stupid thing off of my finger.

She looked down at her hands as she answered me, "um … well … be … my … friend?" She was being so charmingly shy I couldn't help the laugh that escaped me at the sight of her timid face. I pulled her down to sit on my lap and hugged her to me tightly.

"Of course we're friend Rachel. I … I was stupid and … and so immature freshman year. I … I'm sorry for all of the hurtful things I said to you then … if I'm being honest … I really … I really wanted to be your friend but … I … I didn't have the courage to be then. I … might not be much stronger now … but I am braver. My mother and father always spoke so … rudely and brazenly about your fathers … I never had the courage to stand up to that. I wanted to make you hate me so I would have an excuse not to be your friend … so I … did what I do best … I hurt you … I pushed you. No matter what I did though I could never get you to say those three powerful words; I hate you. You never lashed back … you never backed down … you took everything and held your head high … but most of all … you never retaliated and I couldn't help but admire you for it. I could never let my parents know about how weak I was though and so I continued to do so … until I just couldn't anymore." I couldn't go on anymore at that point.

She held me tightly and whispered reassuring words into my ear and rubbed my back so reassuringly, so soothingly and gently … I think I fell asleep in her arms. A peaceful darkness enveloped me and I slept so … serenely unlike any sleep I had ever had before. It was the best sleep I'd had in weeks and I was grateful for it.

When I woke again it seemed that only about half an hour passed because Rachel was still here but it appeared that someone else had also come in. My vision was still blurry from having just woken up but I knew that Rachel was undoubtedly the person sitting next to me brushing her fingers through my hair so tenderly. I could just tell it was her because of her soft, gentle fingers and touch soothed me like nothing else did. There was something about her touch that calmed me so … assuaged me somehow. Everything about her was just so comforting and warm.

I blinked my eyes a few times blearily before I brought my hand up to rub the sleep out of them and I yawned. I heard a chuckle and an awe come from her and blinked up at her and frowned. "You just woke up and you're already frowning at me Quinn?" The teasing lilt in her voice took away all of the bite out of her comment. I then pouted up at her instead and turned my head to my left like a petulant child and this time I heard two other voices laughing at me. I turned back in surprise and saw that Mike was in the room as well with Tina standing right next to him.

They were both smiling at me softly. "How are you feeling now Quinn?" Mike asked me kindly and I couldn't help the soft smile that tugged at the corner of my lips at his concern.

"I'm feeling … much better now thank you Mike. I am so glad that you and Tina are here to see me. I'm sure that the both of you must be busy since you haven't been visiting much other than the weekend. Rachel, Santana, and Brittany however have been keeping me company enough for the rest of the club fortunately." I said in a genuinely happy voice. I really was happy to see them. "So what's been up at school? Is Karofsky behaving?" There was venom in my voice at the mention of that idiotic bully's name.

"He's actually been pretty quiet lately still … I think the fact that you almost …" Tina couldn't even say the word … and my eyes dropped to my lap where my left hand was still … the one that I heard would be eternally scarred from the damage I did to it. "Well … I think it's opened his eyes to what bullying can lead to because … I think he thinks that part of it is his fault because of how hostile he became toward you for defending Kurt. He would always glare at you in the hallways when you passed by and he would always mutter insults under his breath. I think that he sees that what he says really does hurt and it never goes away. I … we're all just so glad that you didn't succeed at this … out of all of the things you could have failed at in life … Quinn this is the one thing you _should _fail at. I … we were all so devastated to hear that you …" Tina shook her head, unable to continue.

Mike sadly took her into his arms in a warm hug as tears misted in his eyes and continued to brim until two streaks fell down. I felt hot tears brim my own eyes at the sight of anguish and sorrow showing so evidently in Tina and Mike's demeanor. I felt shame and guilt overcome me at the image before me … the image of two dear friends who were hurt by my thoughtless and cowardly actions. I tried to run away and ended up hurting the ones I cared about most instead and now I had to live with the guilt of my careless decision. I was so unbelievably selfish and stupid … so, so stupid. I made a vow to myself then … a vow to never hurt my loved ones because of my cowardice and idiocy ever again.

Rachel seemed to sense my inner turmoil and she reached a hand out and took my hand gently in hers and squeezed it warmly. "Stop criticizing yourself over it Quinn. You made a mistake and you've learned from it … and now you just need to move forward and find it in yourself to just forgive yourself. Tina and Mike don't blame you for your actions and neither should you. None of us blame you for what happened because of your lapse of judgment … we all just wish we could have tried harder to help you … to reach out to you so that you wouldn't feel alone. You're not alone and you never will be because you have two families … your mother and all of us in Glee Club. We will stand by you no matter what and we will always do everything in our power to let you know that we are here for you and that we care about you. You will never be alone as long as we're alive, Quinn. You will always have us to support you and carry you when you cannot walk, speak for you when you cannot speak for yourself, hold you when you need someone to comfort you … we will do _anything_ for you so you never have to feel alone again. You have to realize that you are anything but a burden. You are important and you are special … you are our Quinn and we love you for it. Quinn, please know this, understand this."

"I … we never wanted to see you hurting like this Quinn. We feel as if we should have done so much more to make you feel like a part of our family but we didn't … we're beating ourselves up for not trying hard enough if anything Quinn." Mike spoke so softly and gently. I could see how sincere he was and I felt my heart break at hearing the slight quiver in his voice and the palpable pain in his eyes as he spoke. I knew I would never choose to do this ever again because of how much it affected everyone I cared about.

"I am so, so sorry Mike, Tina, and Rachel … I never meant to hurt you guys like this. I promise that I will never, _ever_ try anything like this ever again because … I can see how much it hurts you all to see me like this. I never want to hurt any of you ever again because of a careless … thoughtless … selfish decision I made. I … I will have to work very hard to open up and … heal but I promise that I will never shut you out again when you reach out to help me. The next time anyone extends their hand to help … I will take it instead of push it away. I'm … so sorry things ended up like this. I … never thought that it would hurt all of you so much … but now I know … I was wrong to think that." I could see that there was forgiveness in their eyes and I didn't deserve it. "I … don't deserve your forgiveness … not just yet anyways … I will earn it though … I will do whatever it takes to earn your forgiveness." I had to do it for my own conscience even if they had already forgiven me.

"We've all already forgiven you Quinn … there is nothing to forgive … you just needed help and though I did try … I didn't try hard enough to see passed your pain into you. I reached my hand out and when you pushed it away … I gave up too easily and it led to this. I promise that I will never give up so easily ever again if it means that it will save you from doing something so horrid … something so terrible and life threatening ever again. I promise you that, Quinn, if you promise me that you will take my hand from now on … or anyone else from the club." I could see the way Tina and Mike were waiting for my answer to what Rachel said, to what she asked of me.

I sealed my fate by nodding my head in acceptance.

So here's chapter 6 and I hope that there are many more people showing interest and reviewing to show their interest in this story!^^ I hope it was enjoyable!^^

姫宮光る


	7. How Do I?

Chapter 7

How Do I?

I felt so much relief when I finally got out of the hospital. I felt so much freer now that I was finally allowed outside … but there were many preventative measures to keep a repeat from happening. They made me sign contracts stating I would do at least three things before I had to try and contact two names and numbers I wrote on the contract. I had to write down what I would do before I tried to call the two numbers who were my last resort; I had to sing, write, or dance before I attempted to call Rachel Berry or the Glee Clubbers. I was allowed an exception since … well the more the better and I had every club members number in my contact list.

I was released Sunday afternoon just two days before my birthday. The moment I came home, with a plastic bag with the things I had asked for to make my stay a little bit more comfortable and my pillow in hand, I walked into my room with Rachel in tow. My mother couldn't get me since she had to drive my sister back to the airport for her flight back. She had come in to visit late Friday night since she couldn't get any other day off and surprisingly enough Chad had also made an appearance and seemed concerned. I knew my sister would be because she did love me but her husband was another matter entirely. I didn't know he had even liked me the tiniest bit since we barely ever saw each other.

She was so upset but she didn't lash out, she didn't yell, she didn't scream … she just looked at me with eyes full of sorrow and pain but there was something about the way she looked at me that left me wondering. There was no confusion in her expression at all … there was no demand for an answer to any question whatsoever. It made me wonder and it had me worried.

I was brought out of my thoughts by a gentle hand and a single soft utterance. "Quinn?" And that was all it took for me to snap out of my thoughtful daze, her voice.

I visibly came out of my thoughts with a slight shake of my head and my left hand coming up to rub at my tired eyes. I walked over to my desk and set the bag there. "It's nothing Rachel I was just … lost in my thoughts. I tend to … be quite pensive sometimes." I turned to her and smiled slightly at the sight of her adorably furrowed and her expressive eyes.

"And it's nothing else?" She asked softly, cautiously. At my nod she smiled and turned to my bookshelf with my extensive collection of both books and movies and boxed DVD sets of all of my favorites. She looked through them thoughtfully and I turned to look at them myself. "Do you have anything planned for today, Quinn?" I shook my head slowly and smiled at her as she continued on, "then would you be opposed to perhaps watching some movies or something of the like? It would perhaps take your mind off of things for a bit?" I smiled at her soliloquy lined up as an answer.

At the thought of watching something to take my mind off of things two things came to mind almost immediately. "Rachel, have you ever heard of the TV Show Psych?" She looked thoughtful for a moment before she shook her head and her eyebrows furrowed, so achingly adorable. "Then I think I know what we will be doing for the next few hours if you have the time?" I asked slowly, shyly. "I mean if you … you know, have homework or um … if you need to be somewhere … or, or if you don't want to you … um, you don't have to …" I said in a rush of nervousness.

She smiled at me and interrupted me with a single, unbelievably soft finger. I wanted to take that finger and hold the hand that accompanied it. "Quinn, it's okay. I do not have any prior engagements because … I made sure my schedule would be free. I'm all yours today Quinn. I can even sleep over if you'd like me to, it can be arranged. I … I want to help you heal, Quinn, in any way I can and if it means being here with you through all of Christmas break, and Hanukkah, then so be it. I want to be here for you, I want to make sure that you will never be alone, that you will never feel alone ever again. I want you to know, to feel and believe that you are not alone and that you will never be alone because you have me and so many others. We're all here for you, Quinn, because we really care about you. I … if I had never been able to see you again … I would have been miserable for the rest of my life … I would have been filled with so much regret and scenarios with the theme 'what if'. Now … we just have to move forward together and I want that to start with making you feel infinitely better. I want you to be happy and I want you to know that you are loved Quinn." I looked away for a moment before I nodded and wordlessly set up my pillows against my headboard and grabbed the first season of Psych from my bookshelf.

And so for the next few hours we sat next to each other on my bed and comfortably watched together. We laughed over many things and I often found my eyes trailing down to look between us and our clasped hands, she held my good hand of course. It was almost like it was instinctual for her to hold my hand when we first started watching and she never let go for a single moment. It was pure bliss being with her like this. I leaned back against the headboard and looked over to my bedside table and saw that it was already nearly 8:30 PM and there was still another disc left of the box set. There was still a few minutes of this last episode on the third disc left so I just waited it out before I said anything to Rachel.

"Um … Rachel?" I started hesitantly. She looked over to me and nodded her head to indicate that I had her full attention. "Um … well the thing is there is another disc in this season and it's approximately another three hours and it's already a little passed 8:30 as it is and it's a school night. Um … so what I mean is if you want you can go home now so you can get enough rest for school tomorrow since you always get up early so you can be on your elliptical by 6 … so … what will you do?" I realized my slip up right as I stumbled into a pause. I looked at anywhere but in her direction so she couldn't see the fear that was stricken on my face, the obvious and frantic terror that she might figure out what my true feelings for her were. I felt my heartbeat pick up slightly in response and my breathing quicken slightly but unnoticeably so because of how quiet it was.

Rachel didn't respond for several moments and with every second that passed I felt myself grow more and more anxious. I finally looked in her direction when I couldn't take the silence any longer. I saw that she was looking at me in a patient way, in a way that indicated that all she had wanted was for me to look at her before she responded.

"Quinn, I recognize that you are such an insecure person at heart. I can spot it from several yards away in the way you refuse to make eye contact with another person when you feel apprehensive and frightened. You have no need to ever feel that way when you're with me Quinn. You need not _ever_ feel that way with me Quinn because you will always be safe with me. I care for you and I will do _everything_ in my power to show you that you are precious to me and that you _are_ loved. I will never leave you alone now and I know you realize this on some level because your eyes have been opened to the possibility of others loving and caring for you as deeply as I do. You will have to suffer through my long winded speeches forever more because I will never leave you alone again. I don't want you to feel so lonely and distraught, so desolate and ashamed, incessantly because you will not ever be alone again as long as I breathe." She paused and squeezed my hand for emphasis and even went as far as to lace our fingers together and I felt my heartbeat increase even more so because of how wonderful and intimate it felt. I was in heaven and hell all at once.

I took at deep breath and closed my eyes for a moment before I let it out slowly and looked her right in the eyes. I was grounded by her beautiful brown orbs looking back at me with so much care and she was so unguarded and vulnerable. I closed my eyes and took another deep and steadying breath before I let it out slowly, swallowed the lump in my throat, and opened my eyes again. My eyes locked with her smoldering brown ones as I spoke next, "thank you for everything Rachel. I … I'm sorry … for everything … that happened that day. I … I never meant for you to witness … such a horrid thing and I … I never meant to hurt you like that. Everything I did to you before … the vile words and me lashing out … none of that even compares to what I did … to unintentionally hurt you. I never meant for things to turn out this way … I never meant for you to … be there to lay witness to me trying to … end my life in a desperate attempt to right a wrong. I understand now that what I was doing was wrong … or at least I was trying to go about it the wrong way. What I did was selfish and crueler than anything else I had done to you. There is no comparison to how cruel this one act was … how completely stupid and selfish it was. I know that now and I will do my best to make it up to you, my family, our friends, and just … everyone who cares so much." I stopped there because I was feeling so much I couldn't even speak anymore.

Throughout everything I said she never once let go of my hand or interrupted me, she allowed me to speak without ever breaking eye contact with me. She was steadying me with her strong, smoldering gaze and I was being held captive by dark chocolate brown orbs. Those expressive eyes were so alive with emotion and beauty. She was the rock in my turbulent world of chaos and uncertainty. My world, full of turmoil, made no sense but for one thing; my love for her was the one certainty amongst the disarray. The only thing that was clear and understandable was that I had fallen for Rachel. I always liked her but … through this entire ordeal … through all of the pain and suffering I put myself through … she was mending me. I had always thought myself to be someone broken beyond repair, so shattered and torn that no one would ever be able to fix me.

Every breath I took was full of sin in my eyes. And yet … this angel, this beautiful girl sitting before, was trying to fix me. She was rebuilding what had been cracked, she was filling the cracks with her gentle gaze, and she was putting the shattered pieces together like a puzzle, piece by piece. She was taking the torn pieces of my heart and sewing them back together with her tender touch, she was doing what I had believed to be impossible, she was showing me love and by doing so … she was repairing me. I could feel every cracked, broken, shattered, torn, and anguished part of me falling back together and slowly becoming whole again. I was almost who I was before I became so damaged, destroyed by my own thoughts and worthlessness.

"It's okay Quinn. Let your emotions out, let it all out and just let it go. I will be here for you every step of the way regardless of how much time it will take, no matter how long you will need me. You are worth the time, you are worth helping. You are worth so much more than you think you are. You are you and no one can change that and quite frankly I don't want you to change a thing about yourself because who you are is worth everything. You are worthy of happiness and love, you deserve to be happy and to be loved. You are worth _everything_, Quinn, and that will never change." Rachel's eyes bore into mine as she spoke with so much sincerity and conviction. I couldn't look away … I was stuck … I was drowning in her eyes, in the soft and tender gaze she was looking at me with. I could hear warning bells ringing, reverberating in my head but I couldn't tear my gaze away from hers even for a moment and then … my head snapped away at the sound of my mother's voice calling me.

"Quinn honey, are you home?" She yelled. "Who's car is that parked outside?" She continued and my head snapped to the door to my room, just slightly ajar still from not being closed proper earlier when Rachel came in.

I didn't want to let go of her warm hand and so I just turned to my left and yelled back to her in answer, glad in that moment that my left hand was injured. "Yeah I'm home mom. Um … Rachel's the one who dropped me off at home and she's been in my room with me." I paused for a moment when the thought occurred to me, "oh did you want to stay over or did you want to go home Rachel? Now is the time to ask my mother if you want to stay."

She smiled at me gently, "I would love to if it's all right with your mother." My heart fluttered and I looked away to hide the pink tint to my cheeks.

"Thank you Rachel … for everything." I whispered softly and I knew she heard me because she squeezed my hand reassuringly. _And you'll never know how much this means to me._ "Um … mom?" I yelled, my heart pounding wildly in my chest, "would it be all right if Rachel stayed the night?" All was silent for a few moments and I felt my entire body tense with trepidation and Rachel could feel how I stiffened and tensed. She squeezed my hand tightly in reassurance but not so hard that it hurt.

"That's all right with me Quinnie but … um … what kind of food do vegans eat?" She asked uncertainly. I felt all of my nervous and tense energy release in a laugh at how uncertain my mother had sounded. I heard an adorable giggle to my right and I turned to look at her. She was smiling, her eyes crinkling and her mouth open slightly to let out that adorable sound, and we shared a look. And we both chuckled at each other's amusement.

"Would it be all right if I ordered take out from a vegan restaurant? I'm sure they have some around here since … well you live here and they must cater to your needs right?" I said timidly. She only smiled wider and laughed at how nervous I was.

"Of course that's all right with me. I didn't expect you to have any vegan friendly dishes in your home after all … I hear you are quite the bacon lover Quinn." I blushed and looked away from her twinkling eyes and soft gaze. "Quinn, it's quite all right for you to enjoy your bacon … you will just have to get the same treatment as my daddy … I am always willing to convert others to the same lifestyle. You and my daddy will get along for sure over your love of bacon, I'm quite sure of it." Rachel was looking at me with a tenderness I was slowly getting used to, adjusting to, understanding a little bit more each day.

"Um er … well if, if you'd want you can order your something for dinner … I know it's a bit late but we didn't really take a break to eat and I'm rather hungry now. So … whatever you order is on me Rachel." She was looking at me with such a soft look in her eyes and she looked like she wanted to say no for a moment but she didn't to my surprise.

"That sounds lovely Quinn. Thank you for hospitality, Quinn, it is much appreciated." I heard an indistinct yell come from my mother and Rachel giggled at the sound. "I think perhaps we should tell your mother our plans before she explodes from nerves Quinn." And the smile on her face and the twinkle in her eyes took my breath away. I nodded, incapable of words at the moment, and proceeded to wheeze for air.

Having exchanged far too many heated, on my part, looks with Rachel and becoming so breathless around her too often left my weak body to try and fend off an attack without any success. I wheezed again before leaning back against my headboard before my head fell right into a panicked Rachel's lap. She gasped and uttered quick words I couldn't understand by knew without even comprehending her words what she was asking me. "T-top … t-t-t-top … d-d-drawer … l-l-l-left …" I couldn't finish and before I knew it she was gently holding my head and setting it down on the bed before she took off to my desk and opened the drawer roughly in her haste.

I was growing much weaker than I was used to because my body, though stable now, would never be the same after all the internal damage I did to it. I had burned many things inside of it and I did irreversible damage to it even if I had managed to survive and stabilize. I deserved all of this as punishment, the pain and weakness I was experiencing now was my own fault for choosing stupidity over reason and help.

"Hold on Quinn. I'm right here Quinn, you are going to be okay." She murmured some soft, soothing words as she helped me into her lap again before quickly yanking the cap off and then gently placing it at my lips. She pumped in two sprays of medication in quick succession before trying to pull it away only to be stopped by me. I pushed it back and pumped in another set of two. "Quinn is really all right for you to take that much in? I have been researching asthma since my discovery of you having it that day at school and I am not sure it is wise for you to use so much of it at once." She was merely chiding me out of worry and so I felt the need to explain to her my predicament.

I took a few more moments to breathe before I responded to her question … well question and sort of question. I closed my eyes at the feel of her hand gently running through my hair tenderly, in a caring way … almost lovingly. With every stroke I felt myself calming down … she might very well be better medicine than my inhaler with the effect she had on me. Not only did she soothe my aching soul … she brought a peace and calm I hadn't experienced in so long.

"I'm sorry about that … that was my fault for … what I chose to do." I cleared my throat. "I needed as many as I did because my asthma attacks range from mild to severe … that one was in the severe category. I know you're just worried about me, and it really is reasonable for you to be, but I promise you that I will never try something so idiotic and thoughtless ever again Rachel." I closed my eyes for a few moments to calm myself and concentrate on my breathing before opened my eyes again. "Rachel you still need to order food before delivery's stop!" I shot up and grabbed my purse and took my wallet out. "Do you have their number on your cell phone by chance Rachel?" I was rushing but it was because I didn't want her starving because I forgot to order food for her.

There was a knock at the door and my mother's head could be seen peeking through the slightly open door. "What did you girls want to eat? I can make something for dinner now Quinnie." One thing about my mother that made me feel better was that she was honestly trying to change her overreaction to things. That episode I had in the hospital really scared her … because I really could have died had Rachel not done something, had she not been there … there would not have been any feasible on her part. She understood that I almost died twice in the same night … first when I purposely tried to kill myself and another time was after she riled up my weak body.

"I'm ordering some food for Rachel now mom. No need to worry I'm treating her mom." I said with a smile on my face. She looked at me and smiled back but it was slightly strained. I could see that although she was much more accepting of the fact that Rachel and I had become friends … she was still a struggling woman only just freed from her husband. She had said that she couldn't be more grateful toward Rachel for what she did and she showed her gratitude by not yelling, not saying things out of contempt, and by slowly showing acceptance toward Rachel's presence in my life. My mother allowing Rachel to stay in this house was proof of that.

"Okay Quinnie. What do you want to eat?" Her eyes darted nervously to Rachel when she spoke next, wincing when she spoke a particular word. "Do you want some … fried ham Quinnie?" My mother was actually being quite endearing in her hesitation to so much as mention meat around Rachel and I felt a smile creep onto my face at the sight of her nervous eyes darting between Rachel and me.

I giggled a little and my mother smiled widely in response, happy that I was actually, genuinely, happy and smiling. "Mom … you do realize that Rachel is a vegan … so she's not going to eat you alive for mentioning meat right? Rachel is way too nice to do something like that mom, really. I mean … you see how tiny Rachel is so how could she possibly do something so ridiculous?" I had to pause every once in a while from cracking up too much.

I looked over at Rachel … and imagined her actually doing what I said and I lost it … I was bursting out with laughter so hard I couldn't even breathe. The image of her actually doing something so ridiculous just made me crack up so hard because that mental image was more than impossible … it was improbable.

"Quinn, it's really not that funny. I mean … I'm sure you don't realize this, but I am quite strong because I do keep up a weight lifting regime in combination with my morning elliptical. I find it conducive in gaining or retaining muscle mass in my arms and it is quite enjoyable for me." She was smiling proudly and it just made me laugh even harder and she huffed in indignation. "What, Quinn, you don't believe me?" She asked incredulously.

I couldn't stop laughing for the life of me even though I desperately wanted to because of the slightly offended look on her face. When I had finally calmed down enough I explained myself. "No it's not that at all Rachel. I was only laughing because the thought, the mere_ idea_, of you doing something like that … just the image of it is absolutely ludicrous and I just find it a funny image because of how improbable it is." I became melancholic just moments later, "I'm sorry I laughed so hard, Rachel … it was rude of me to do so and insensitive." I looked down at the floor as I spoke, shame and regret apparent in my tone of voice and my actions.

"Quinn, it's okay. There is nothing to forgive. I just … thought that … you were laughing _at_ me and … I shouldn't have made such an assumption. If anything Quinn _I'm sorry_ for overreacting and for making an incorrect postulation like that. You have no need to apologize and I have nothing to forgive … I want to apologize for being impolite in doing something as boorish as assuming the worst. Please forgive _me_ Quinn." She was speaking so gently, so softly and so … unlike her usual assertive self … she was being so … caring in the way I was used to seeing her and yet … she was also being gentle in an uncharacteristic way. It did nothing to lessen the feelings of shame and regret though.

I continued to look at the floor when I felt arms wrap around me and I gasped at the feeling. I knew exactly who it was holding me and it felt wonderful. She had never … held me quite like this before … she had hugged me before … held my hand … she even let me lay my head on her shoulder on a few occasions before … but never had she held me like this before. She was holding me so tenderly and gently … it was almost as if she was afraid of me breaking in her arms if she held me any harder than that, any less softly. Before I knew I had wrapped my arms around her and held tightly, but not so much that I was crushing her, and another pair of arms joined briefly. "I'll leave you two alone for a moment," my mother whispered softly before leaving the room, closing the door gently behind her.

The feeling of holding her in my arms and being held was just pure bliss, it was wonderful, it was heaven and yet it was torture all at once. I knew that she would never be mine, that I could never have her the way I wanted to … I would never be able to hold her in the way I wanted to at all. This feeling in my chest, beating in my heart, she would never understand … she would never know how much it hurt to feel her in my arms without her knowing how I felt at all. I felt my heart throb painfully in my chest and my throat constrict with the intense emotion I was feeling throughout my entire body.

"How … how do I … go on from here? How can I … move on from this … where do I go from this? I … I don't know where to go or what to do now Rachel … I'm so lost. I don't know what to do or how to act … I just …" I didn't know what to say … to express how I was feeling at all. "How do I this Rachel? How do I heal and move forward?"

She moved her head back just enough to look up at me with warm brown eyes full of concern and uncertainty. "I … all I know is that you must learn to heal at your own pace but that absolutely does not mean that you have to do so alone. You must find your own way of healing but you can lean on others, on me, when you need to. I will always be here for you Quinn. I will always be willing to help you on this journey, on your road to recovery. Never doubt that for a moment. I care about you a great deal and I want to help you see you for who you truly are and not the person you think you are. You think so little of yourself and that you are so worthless where I see someone who has been through so much and has shouldered her pain alone … I see someone wonderful who can't seem see what I do. I suppose that just means that … I will have to open her eyes for her." The small, gentle smile on her face had me burning with the desire to kiss her but I couldn't … I pulled away from her hastily and turned away from her.

"I … I … I can't. Why do you have to do this to me, Rachel? You … make me … feel so … confused and … I just … can't … I can't … do this … I … I don't deserve to feel any happiness after everything I've done. I …" and I couldn't finish, feeling a tight clench in my throat and then … her arms were wrapped tightly around me and her head rested against the arch on my back between my shoulder blades. All thoughts left me then … and so did everything else in the world … everything melted away at the sensation of her warm body pressed against mine and the sound of her voice. I could smell her apple perfume and closed my eyes for just a moment, dropping my head slightly, before I opened them again to the sight of her hands clasping together around my stomach. It was … the way lovers hugged … not friends … but … I knew it couldn't possibly be out of anything but platonic feelings concerning Rachel. Rachel was painfully heterosexual … a straight girl … a girl dating the football team's quarterback Finn Hudson … a girl who could not possibly love me the same way I loved her. "Rachel … please … just stop … I'm begging you … I … I can't do this with you … you're … you're making me … so … confused." I whispered so softly I could barely even hear my own voice.

She was silent but it seemed to only cause her to squeeze me harder … hold me even more tightly than she had been before. "What am I doing to you Quinn? Please … tell me what I am doing to you. I … if I am to help you, Quinn, I need to understand what it is that I am doing to hurt you, to make you feel so helpless and confused. I don't want to keep doing … whatever it is I am doing to hurt you so please … enlighten me so that I might be able to prevent myself from causing you any more pain." Her voice sounded so sad.

"I … just need you to … let me go … don't … don't misunderstand … it's not that I don't want you to help me … but I know you can't … not in the way I need you to. So please … just let me go … and … we can pretend … pretend it never happened … we can … go back to the way we used to be before all of this happened … you can forget about me. I will just be the head cheerleader, Quinn Fabray, and you … you'll be the captain of the Glee Club, one of the top 5 students of our class … Finn Hudson's girlfriend and just … another amazingly talented girl aspiring to make it to Broadway. I can just be … someone who will only be remembered as the Cheerleading Captain of the Cheerios and … no one will ever have to know that … you were trying to help a … monster like me." I gently put my hands on hers, and for just a moment I relished in the feel of her skin against mine, before I unclasped her fingers and walked out of her embrace.

I continued to face away from her … I refused to look at her as I hurt her by asking her to stop helping me. I could feel her eyes on me but I refused to look at her … I refused to see the pain she would obviously be in because of my request. I would not allow myself to hurt her any further by looking at her as she spoke whatever she would next. I wouldn't allow myself the pleasure to see her one last time before she walked away from me … before I pushed her away any further. I gasped in surprise at the feel of her arms wrapping around my waist in such a tender way as she spoke next and what she said was even more surprising to me.

"I will not give up on you Quinn. I will never give up on you because you require the help of others and I refuse to allow you to push my help, or anyone else's help for that matter, away because you are afraid. I can see it … I can feel it every time someone is too close to finding out the truth about your fear, about how absolutely terrified you are. When someone else starts to suspect something … you hide behind a façade of calm and act as if you are someone you are not. You want to believe that you are not as affected as you truly are by what others say and do … that you are indifferent to their actions and words but I see you. I see right through that barrier you put up every time to protect yourself from them and their immature ways. Every time you are the HBIC you are hiding your hurt the only way you know how, by pretending that you don't care, that you are stronger than you think you are. The truth is Quinn … I can see through all of that in the way you bring up a wall of defense in your eyes and in the way you attack viciously with your words. But I know that you are not the person you try to project by doing all of those things … I know that you are a girl who has insecurities just like everyone else does. I know that you are resilient but that you have been worn down by others expectations and thoughts of how you should be and what your life is like without knowing the truth, without knowing _you_. I can help you, Quinn, if you just let me."

I wanted to just turn around and hold her in my arms so much and accept her … but I just couldn't bring myself to accept her help. If I accepted her help … I knew that eventually I wouldn't be able to control myself … I wouldn't be able to just 'stay friends' with her if I allowed her close enough to me. It would just be me asking for more heartache to deal with and … her possibly hating me for … loving her so sinfully. I would be dragging her to hell with me and I would not do that to her … I would never do that to Rachel because of the feelings in my heart. I had to push her away from me for her own good.

"Rachel … I think it might be best for you if … perhaps you leave now … I … I don't think … that it's such a good idea for you to stay anymore. I would … appreciate it if you left now."

It hurt, it burned, it festered and seared … the pain in my hurt and the burning in my throat, the throbbing in my chest … it all hurt so much but I knew it had to be done. As much as I was hurting Rachel now … I knew I would be saving her much more in the end … in the end it would be worth it even if my heart broke in the process. I had to protect Rachel from me … because I loved her far too much to taint her in any way … to condemn her like this.

"Quinn … I am not ever going to give up on you … I will never do so because I care about you too much to allow you to continue to hurt like this. I will not leave. I am going to stand my ground and I am going to help you realize that you aren't the monster you believe you are … you are just a lost girl who needs help and guidance more than anything. I will stay here the night since your mother has already allowed me to and I will be sure to spend every waking moment to insure that you are progressing forward and not regressing. I promise you Quinn … if you would just allow others in … you would feel so much lighter and freer with the help of your friends and family."

"Rachel … please stop it … my own _father_," I spat his name out with venom in my voice, "couldn't be bothered to come visit me while I was in the hospital one step away from death. Death's arms were wide open and waiting for me and I was walking with a smile on my face knowing that with every step I took I was one step closer to repenting. I deserve this pain and hell … I deserve all of this punishment for being the sinner that I am Rachel and you can't save me from myself. I … I won't let you burn in hell with me."

She squeezed harder, held on just a little bit more tightly, and I felt like I was suffocating even though her hold on me wasn't so hard that I couldn't breathe. I felt like I was drowning in the feel of her arms and swimming in the sound of her voice as she spoke with so much determination.

"You are worth saving Quinn. You are so worth it and I am just going to have to show you by not giving up on you. I don't understand why you keep pushing me away or why you think are going to rot in hell or why you think you are a sinner Quinn … but I'll be damned if I don't show you otherwise somehow. You are a wonderful and amazing person Quinn nothing you do can change how I feel about you. I know with unwavering certainty that you are who I _know_ you are and even if it takes me weeks, months, a whole year … or even longer I will show you … I will somehow help you understand how serious I am. I will help you realize that who you are is a wonderful and amazing girl who deserves to feel that way every day."

I couldn't help but fall just a little more in love with her for what she was saying … for what she was doing to me. "You will never understand what you are doing to me Rachel … and that is why you cannot save me, cannot help me. I will be forever forsaken because no one can save me from the sins I am committing every single day Rachel." And with that soft utterance I pulled away from the safe haven of her arms and walked downstairs in search of a phonebook to order food for her. I walked away from the best moment of my life … from the most important person to me … my world: Rachel.

So yes there is still a love of angst to be had in this story before it gets better for Quinn and Rachel finally sees what Quinn means by all of her sorrowful words. I hope it is still garnering interest and hopefully reviews because I really want to finish this story but if I don't see more interest actually being shown I might just stop and I don't want that to happen at all.

姫宮光る


	8. Heartbeat

Chapter 8

Heartbeat

It hurt to see Rachel looking at me the way she did everyday without fail, without once wavering in what she had told me. She still tried to reach out to me despite how I brushed her off and pushed her away. I pretended not to see her whenever we passed by in the hallways. Every time I saw her I felt a throb in my chest and a stinging sensation in my eyes … like tears prickling at the edge of my eyelids. It was a well deserved heartache I was giving myself … a self-punishment for being such a terrible person to the people I cared about most. I was making a prison for myself … I was my own living hell.

Two days after what happened on Sunday … Rachel quietly walked up to me and handed me a present wrapped in Christmas themed wrapping paper and a card with her neat writing. She spoke a quiet, "happy birthday Quinn and Merry Christmas. I … wish you well and hope that you have a wonderful day." And she left without another word and I could feel my heartbeat stop for a moment … and it seemed as if it would never start again until she came back. I wouldn't let her though. I could rot in hell alone and I wouldn't drag Rachel down with me because … I was undoubtedly in love with her. I felt inspiration for another song come through this encounter and I didn't waste it … I wrote another song after school and Cheerios practice was over.

I hadn't interacted with her at all since she kindly gave me a present and wished me a happy birthday the week before … and I was to blame entirely for it. My days were filled with yearning and aching pain that just didn't seem to want to go away. It was as if this was everlasting pain because I pushed her away … again … and I broke my promise to her. If anything … I was the one who couldn't be trusted … not my mother. I was the one who broke my promise to Rachel about never running away from her help ever again … I was the one who pushed her away even after I had promised not to ever do that again. I deserved every second of this prison … this hell I made for myself.

I was walking to my locker to grab something before homeroom when I felt two sets of hands grab me and drag me to an empty room, which turned out to be the auditorium. Had it not been for the fact that I knew those hands anywhere I would have panicked and had a heart attack scare because of my asthma attack … if things got ugly. If not I would have been fine with just my usual dose of medication.

I turned around and looked at my two … attackers? Kidnappers? Teenage napper? Glee teammates fitted best so I went with that last one. I couldn't have been more surprised to see that it was these two of all people, all things considering. I would have expected Rachel to pull this stunt … maybe, Santana and Brittany most definitely, or even Finn or Puck would have been more likely to do this. All of the last week and a half all of the Gleeks had sensed the tension between Rachel and me … or rather they saw how forlorn Rachel looked and how emotionless I looked. At least I appeared as emotionless as I could under the strained circumstances with Rachel.

I was quieter than I had ever been in Glee. Sure I was much less vocal during Glee than at any other place in school other than an actual classroom but still … I had been much quieter and strained during Glee than I had ever been and everyone seemed to notice it. I hadn't sung since my self-exile of all things good … all things Rachel. I wasn't really singing during Glee nor had I shared any other songs with the club even though I had written one that I felt so connected to emotionally. The words I wrote and the song I composed were so sorrowful and full of anguish and the lyrics to the song complimented the composition and vice versa … but I couldn't bear to share something so personal with the club. It was my private song of anguish and I didn't want anyone to see, hear, or even know about it. It was my secret heartbreak song and I would do everything in my power to keep it that way.

I felt so dead inside … I hadn't really been living for most of my life but this … this was me feeling dead inside everyday and it felt so much worse. Going through the motions in life is one thing … but living without feeling anything at all … breathing while feeling like I was dead inside was much worse.

"Quinn? What is bothering you? I mean really, everyone, I mean _everyone_, had noticed the tension between you and Rachel and with the way you've been acting as if she doesn't exist … we know something is going on between you two. Spill." Kurt spoke quickly and bluntly in the way he always did when he wanted answers to his questions and ending his query with the word 'spill'. He stood with his head cocked slightly to the side and with his hands on his hips and Mercedes was standing right next to him with a similar stance to his. They were both looking at me with inquisitive, expectant eyes.

I looked down at the carpeted auditorium floor and I felt my heartbeat pick up and thud painfully in my chest. My chest throbbed and tightened with pain and pressure. "I … there's nothing going on between Rachel and me … and there never will be … does that answer your question?" They both looked at me with confusion, almost as if they did not and could not understand what I had just said. "Look you guys, I get that we are both acting unusual but … there is nothing for you to worry about. I'm fine and Rachel is … she'll get over it eventually all right? Now if we're done here … I would like to go now … thank you for your concern. I really do appreciate you two trying to help, trying to talk to me but … it is unnecessary because I'm … fine."

I turned around to leave but I was stopped by both Mercedes and Kurt and their hands wrapping around my wrist gently. "Quinn, any one of us can see you're not okay at all. Who do you think you're fooling, Quinn? It's obvious to all of us that you are moping around and Rachel is hurt by the distance you're putting between you. I know that we're not that close but that doesn't mean that I don't care about you, I mean you stood up to Karofsky for Kurt. That definitely made you okay in my book." Mercedes was so serious in what she said that I felt that painful throbbing in my chest increase and my throat tightened and constricted excruciatingly.

"Quinn, we just want to help you. If it wasn't us right now it would be Brittany and Santana instead and Brittany was the one who actually approached us. She asked us to come to you first to see if we could find anything out before Santana stepped in because … well she wouldn't have been nearly as … gentle. I mean she does have her good points and all but right now she is too upset to be rational and her Latina roots are flaring up obviously." Kurt spoke in such a caring way. "You saved me Quinn. It wasn't a onetime deal either. You saved me countless times in the hallways from Karofsky and Azimio and you never had to but you chose to. You chose to so I am choosing to try and help you this time."

I felt agonizing pain throbbing through my body because of the emotional stress I was putting myself through by seeing Rachel in so much pain every day. What made matters worse was the fact that Finn was almost constantly by her side, holding her hand, kissing her cheek gently, and just being a good boyfriend. The sight of them had me huffing and puffing for air constantly and I had gone through an entire inhaler in the span of a week which had never happened to me before … and my mother noticed too. She had asked me about it the day I said I was running short on inhalers again because I usually only needed to buy a set of two every two or three months because of how infrequent my attacks were. A single inhaler didn't hold much medicine since it was held in such a tiny container and so it was usually enough to last me for about a month or so. I had told her that there was nothing wrong and she didn't believe me for a moment but she didn't push and I thanked her for it with my eyes.

This time though I wasn't lucky enough to be in the presence of friends who knew about my asthma. Only three people in the entire student population knew about the fact that I had asthma and not a single one was present. My throat was closed up so unbearably tightly that I could feel the muscles fighting to relax themselves, fighting to keep me breathing. I was feeling so incredibly dizzy and lightheaded from the lack of oxygen. I tried to shake those feelings away and out of my head but I only felt dizzier for all of my effort.

"Quinn, Quinn, Quinn, can you hear me?" Someone's voice spoke but I couldn't really hear them … understand them. It was all so garbled and jumbled and the room was spinning terribly. The voices I heard seemed to grow fainter as the room blurred severely and before I realized what was happening everything became black, consumed by darkness. The last thing I was aware of was the feel of someone's arms wrapping around me and holding on to me tightly, and then I was gone.

The first thing I noticed when I woke up was the feeling of gentle fingers combing through my hair so tenderly. The second thing I became aware of was the voice of someone speaking softly, whispering words that weren't meant to be heard. I knew who it was just from feeling those fingers but it was made more obvious by her voice. I could hear her, feel her, and smell her from the slight distance she was from me. I wondered why she was sitting on the bed with me but I realized soon enough that it was because of the other two people in the room with me.

"Hey short stack," Santana called, not at all rudely surprisingly, "is she breathing okay?" The worry in her voice, though not obvious to those who aren't close to her, was present in the slight quiver as she addressed me.

"Santana, I understand that you are only worried about her but this is the sixth time you have asked me that question and the answer is still the same. Yes she is breathing normally. Santana," she seemed to hesitate, "I know that we … are not necessarily friends or close by any means but … I was just wondering something." She paused and she must have had some kind of silent indication from her to continue because I heard her voice again. "Why is it that … you seem to be much … kinder to me recently?"

I heard some rustling and another voice entered the now clear trio in the room. "San is just being nice because Quinn –"

"Asked me to be nicer to you!" Santana quickly yelled to interrupt Brittany. I heard more rustling and realized that Santana was most likely sitting on Brittany's lap from what I could hear. I wanted to look but I couldn't chance being noticed and so I just continued to lay here in my prone 'sleeping' state. It took me a few moments but I just understand what Santana had implicated by her choice of interruption and words. Santana knew. She knew. I felt my heartbeat start to quicken again, out of control. It was picking up speed too quickly and I started wheezing and gasping for air again.

My eyes snapped open and what I saw was Rachel looking down at me with worry for just a split second before standing up abruptly and walking quickly to the other side of the room. Santana was immediately by my side, Brittany moving right after her to my other side, to check on me and help me sit up and stay upright so that when Rachel came back it would be easier to spray the medication. She came hastily and pulled the cap off quickly before gently easing it in between my lips and administering the lifesaving medication. I sat there, supported by Santana and Brittany on either side of me, and concentrated on my breathing for several moments and they all stood with bated breath.

"I … I'm okay now. Um … thank you and … sorry about the trouble … I um … I," my exterior was already shaky to begin with but now my voice was cracking and I was visibly breaking. I closed my eyes and hung my head low. I felt three pairs of arms envelop me in a tight but gentle hug full of tender care. "I'm sorry … I'm so, so sorry for … for how terrible I've been the past week and a half. I … I just … I shut down and I couldn't …"

I was interrupted by a gentle finger on my lip and the owner of said finger spoke so achingly kindly. "It's okay Quinn. There is no need for you to explain yourself because we all understand that you have been through a great deal of stress and pain. We … all we want Quinn, is for you to be okay. That is all we want for you Quinn. We all care about you so much Quinn. You … have to realize that it doesn't matter how often you push us away because it doesn't make us care for you any less, if anything it makes us want to help even more. I know that you … haven't really been very receptive of my company or … to me reaching out to you in general since … Sunday but I still want to help you Quinn."

"Q?" I turned to Santana and she looked completely serious, "I don't know what happened between you and … Berry but … even I know what's going on with you and … Brit does too and we just want to help you. Do you know how strange it is for me to actually agree with Berry? It's like … an alternate universe because we've never been friends and her long ass speeches annoy the hell out of me. But I'll be damned if I say any different than her. We just want to see you feel better … it's like … every time we see you … you seem a little more dead each time. It's as if every time we look at you, you die a little more inside and you retreat even more each and every damn time. I …" and Santana lost it. She actually burst into tears and I felt my heart clench tightly and throb and a stabbing, stinging pain filled my chest painfully, agonizingly.

I pulled Santana closer to me as she cried and Brittany left my side to move to hold Santana in her arms gently. She placed a few loving, tender kisses on the side of Santana's head and cheek while swaying with her slowly side to side. She whispered softly in her ear and Santana calmed down just a little as she settled back into her embrace. I let her go so she could lean back into Brittany and that left Rachel as the only one who was holding me still, hugging me so caringly … lovingly almost.

I buried my head into her neck, nuzzling as much as I could, and she held me even more tightly, sitting down on the bed, and one hand rubbing my back soothingly. She was being achingly kind and gentle … it was painful in how sweet it was … it made me feel so much joy and sorrow all at once. It hurt to feel her surrounding me like this … holding me so tenderly and in such a caring way but … without knowing my feeling at all … without knowing my love for her. It made every soothing touch as painful as it was heartrending for me to feel.

"I … I'm so sorry … for everything … I just … I … I didn't want … I never meant … to … I just … I … I broke my promise and there is no excuse. I am so sorry. I really am. I never meant to do this … to hurt you this way. Santana, Brittany … Rachel," her name was a soft, tender utterance, "I … I never meant to hurt any of you I just … I don't … know how to accept help … it's not … the 'Fabray Way' of doing things. I have never … been able to confide in others … when it comes to my feelings … the only reason I said anything about my asthma at all … was because of what happened … in October."

"Quinn, it's okay. It is okay not to know how to say something, how to broach a subject that you have never had to. It is okay to be inarticulate because you don't know any other way … you just have to let help in and allow us to help you with this Quinn. I know that it is not something that can happen overnight and so I am willing to be patient and I am sure that Brittany and Santana are willing to assist you as well. You must realize by now that we aren't the only ones who care about you Quinn. You have so many people here to support you, who care about you and want to help you through this. You're not alone even if you as if you are, you never will be ever again."

I felt tears brim my eyes, gathered in a moment that, a moment full of uncertainty and pause, a decisive moment. The tears gathered in my eyes steadied for a moment before brimming over and trickling down my face slowly. I couldn't stop the tears that continued to fall from my eyes unhurriedly like a gentle rain fall; each drop individually dropped from the sky without any rush just to crash against something and break and melt into the ground. My tears were falling in slow rivulets much like a stream flowed into a river, slowly but surely, little by little each tear fell.

"I'm so sorry for all of the trouble … I am so sorry … for everything I've put you all through these past few weeks. I didn't mean to … I never meant for any of this to happen … but I … can't take it back so … I'll … I'll try harder, I'll work harder … to make sure to never worry you … to never hurt any of you like this ever again. I … I will make sure I keep this promise. I _promise_." I pleaded softly.

"I believe you Q. Brit and Rachel believe you, too. We believe in you. We'll get through this together Q, _I_ promise _you_ this. I know how hard it is Q, trust me, I know. You know that you don't have to be alone though, you _know_ that. Brit's here for you, I'm here for you, Rachel's here for you, the entire Club is here for you … even Coach wants to help you … she has been rather … harsh with everyone else during practice if you didn't notice. She's been crazier than usually since what happened to you in the hospital. You should have seen her when you were _in_ the hospital and how out of control her emotions were … everyone on the squad knows that she has a special spot for you. She was worried sick and she expressed that … _thoroughly_ through the grueling practices. We're all worried and all we want to do now is help you so we won't have a repeat of what … of … we don't want to risk that ever happening again … we don't want … there to even be a chance. We want you to be safe and happy. We just want you to feel better Quinn." Her voice was full of emotion as she spoke, "we love you Quinn … we just want to see you happy." Her voice cracked and my heart cracked and my soul cried out in pain knowing that I had hurt all of my loved ones so much.

It killed me to know that I had hurt them all so much, that I had hurt my loved ones to the point that they were breaking. I was breaking the people most precious to me by making them question themselves. Questions like 'what if I had noticed something sooner,' or 'what if I had tried harder,' or 'what if I had been there for her,' or so many other questions, so many what ifs, were plaguing them. I couldn't answer those what ifs, all I could do was tell them how sorry I was and try my best to make sure I never made them feel that way ever again. They deserved at least that much from me. I would do whatever I could to never make them cry because of me again … to never make them cry _for_ me ever again. I would never hurt the people who were my family when my own abandoned me.

"I … I can't promise that it will be … easy to allow you to help me … I can't promise that I won't be infuriatingly stubborn … like I always am … but I _can_ promise that I will try my best. I can promise that I am going to try and that I am willing to do this, to try harder, for you … for all of the ones I care about most … for my … family."

I sat on my bed reading and re-reading the words I had written down over a week ago and it just clicked for me … it just fit. I took the single sheet of paper filled with my writing and grabbed my piano composition, which was filled with piano compositions I had been writing since I was twelve years old. I went through the door adjoining my room to sit at the stool before the beautiful Grand Piano, my beautiful piano. I took a deep breath and played a few keys and chords to get a feel for what I wanted for this newest song. A few chords and keys started forming together in my head and before I knew it I was testing out how the chord sounded in combination with the few notes I could hear in my head. A major … b flat … C major … b, c, d, f, a … I continued to play a few more notes and chords before I found what it was I had envisioned in my head. I was so lost in my playing and composition writing that I didn't hear another person entering my room and opening the door to this room, my sanctuary.

Once I was satisfied I had written it down perfectly to go with the song I knew without looking that someone had entered. I could tell because I realized that the sound didn't reverberate quite as much as it should, it didn't echo throughout the room like it was supposed when the room was empty but for me, it wasn't hollow. I had a feeling I knew who it was but I wasn't the kind of person who made assumptions … I always played it safe.

"When did you come in? I … should have realized that you were here as soon as you entered but I was too focused in my playing to notice and my apologies for not noticing you sooner." Unfortunately for me the room was set up so that the piano was facing the wall opposite the door so I could focus solely on the notes I was playing. The reason for it being that way was because it was the best position for the piano to be in so that the sound was pure in its clarity. There would be nothing to detract from the sound pouring from this beautiful instrument and I had asked for it to be built this way.

"That was beautiful Quinn, a stellar performance and composition. You amaze me Quinn, you really do. I hope that you understand that … though I was hurt by your … actions this last week and a half … I forgive you because you were just scared. I know what it is like to be so afraid of others because I have been scared before, I have been hurt before but I know that despite all of those fears … I have a family who loves me to come home to. I have my fathers to fall back on, to love me and tell me that I am worth more than the petty jealousy of others and their hurtful actions. You have never had that with your parents and it is so sad to see that for almost all of your life you've never had that kind of connection with your family. You had to rely on yourself for so long and the rare times you allowed others in it was only on a physical level and not emotional. I know it is painfully difficult to trust in others and entrust your secrets to others but … Glee Club is your family … we're your family and families don't judge each other. We will never judge you for who you are no matter how revolting and abhorrent you appear to yourself … we don't see you that way. We love you despite your faults, because everyone in the world has them, you must learn to live with them and accept them and move on. I know it isn't easy to do so and that is why I am here to extend my hand out to you once again to show that I am here for you. I will always extend my hand out to help you because despite our … colorful past you are someone I care for greatly. I … I care about you so much … I haven't slept properly since … since what happened three weeks … ever since … ever since you attempted to … take … your own life I … haven't been able to sleep … because I … I've been plagued by nightmares about … this all being a dream and I hadn't … made it on time … that I lost you … forever!" Her voice cracked and wavered from the strength of her emotions. "I was so scared that … you … if I had lost you Quinn … I would never have been able to go on living at the thought that you were so miserable you ended everything. I would … I would have never been able to forgive myself for not trying harder to keep you alive … to keep you well. I would have died with you that very night … you chose to do something so terrible to yourself … and worse yet … if you had not survived … I would be dead right now. I would be so dead inside. When I sleep now … I wake up screaming and crying … because I have nightmares of what might have happened had I not stepped in to save you Quinn. The thought of me living without you … without seeing you ever again scares me … terrifies me … frightens me so much I cannot sleep at night without dreaming of you. I … I wouldn't have it any other way though because every time it happens … both of my fathers wake up to my screaming and come to my room to tell me, to assure me, to assuage my fears. They come to my room every night without fail to tell me that yes you are still alive and that it was all just a dream, a nightmare that you were not otherwise breathing, living. I am so grateful to them because they are so willing to do it for me, they don't have to but they want to. They choose to wake up and come to me and comfort me in the middle of the night and they are happy to do so. I know that was not the case for you at all when you were growing up. You most likely hid your problems from your parents for fear of their reaction or lack of reaction. You have been scared to go to anyone for help all of your life because you never received it from the people you were supposed to put your faith and trust in."

And I couldn't argue … there was no way for me to refute the truth in those words because it was true, so very painfully true. How could I possibly deny the truth when it was staring right at me and telling me that there was no way for me to say otherwise?

I couldn't find my voice, I couldn't speak at all, and so I settled for nodding my head in agreement and not looking at her. The words I couldn't speak were stuck in my throat and they burned with the need to get out, to explode so she could hear them. Before I could even say a word I felt her arms wrap around my shoulders and collarbone and the side of her head was pressing gently against the side of my face. I could feel her soft nose brushing against the side of my neck so often with every move she made … it was heavenly to feel her but hell because of the feelings it invoked.

"You don't have to say anything … because I know … I can see you Quinn. I can see what everything you do means and what you are truly saying with all of your actions. Your eyes are so beautiful in the way they express everything with one look and with the color they show. Your hazel eyes give away more than you think. Every single time I see you and our eyes meet … it's as if I can see every emotion that passes through them … it is for me, essentially, reading a book. I can see right into you and I can see all of the emotions you are feeling and sub-consciously showing in the color of your eyes and in the way they shine."

She stopped there but I could tell that there was something else she wanted to say but she didn't for whatever reason and I decided to just leave it at that. She never pushed me and so I wouldn't push her. I just allowed it to be for a few moments. I wanted to soak in the feel of her warm arms wrapped around me so gently, lovingly, tenderly, caringly it ached with unspoken emotions. Just this single action spoke more than a thousand words.

All was silent for just a moment as she held me and I held her arms with my hands to keep her there with me for as long as possible during this tender moment between us. For just a few moments … it wasn't terrible at all … it was … peaceful and okay. It was okay. There was no pain, no heartrending, gut wrenching pain for me to feel. It was just a silent moment full of clarity and peace. There was no inner turmoil, no chaotic maelstrom destroying everything in sight … there was just the two of us in this moment of tranquility.

"I, um, I …" I decided to break the silence to tell her about what I had been working on, "I was … composing a piano accompaniment earlier … when you walked in Rachel. I … I wrote a new song earlier last week and … I was just working on the piano accompaniment since I hadn't done that yet earlier. I … well I was … out of the club very briefly as per my mother's behest … oh, my, GOD!" I yelled out the last word as I bent my head forward to rest my forehead against the piano miserably. Rachel had yet to let go of me and it was making my heartbeat pound wildly and skip and all of those things that came with being head over heels in love with someone, with one Rachel Berry.

"What is it Quinn? Are you feeling all right? Do you need me to get you something? Is it your asthma? Oh my goodness I—" I interrupted her by holding onto her tightly when she tried to remove her arms from around me to run and get my inhaler. "Quinn, I must go and retrieve your inhaler this instance if you are having an attack!"

I just shook my head before lifting it up slowly and turning my head to my right slightly, just enough to see her face. Our faces were very close to each other, no more than four inches apart … and yet the distance felt daunting to me. I ignored those feelings and sought out her eyes and when our eyes met there was a fire in them, a passionate gleam.

"I'm not having an attack Rachel so please calm down." She continued to stare right into my eyes and it felt like she was looking straight into me, right through me and passed all of my walls, all of my stone protection. She was looking at me, watching me, almost as if she was trying to decide if she should still run to get my inhaler just in case I needed it. The longer she looked right into my eyes the more her resolve seemed to break. She conceded with a slight nod and with her eyes, her beautiful brown eyes. "It's just that … well I just realized that I was sort of … kind of … talking a bit more like you … and that … realization just … struck me as odd at that moment. It well … it shows that the saying the more you're around someone the more you will pick up on their habits and vocabulary is true. I have never actually used the word behest in a conversation before and it just … it really surprised me Rachel. It threw me off for a moment that I had spoken in a manner … er … um … in a way that you normally speak. I think … that perhaps … er … because I've been spending so much time with you … I've started speaking like you a bit. Um … not to say that I think it's a bad thing! I don't mean that at all! I just … what I meant by that is—" a soft finger interrupted my nervous stuttering rant. I rambled on and on and stumbled over my words like that only when I was extremely nervous and I looked down to where her arms were.

"Quinn, as adorable as I think you are when you ramble on like this out of nervousness, I just wanted to tell you that it is quite all right. I don't mind. I understand what you mean by what you are saying. The realization shocked you and you just weren't expecting it to happen at all. I am not hurt or offended by your shock at all Quinn. It is actually quite flattering to hear you speaking in a similar manner as me and … I think it is absolutely adorable when you become nervous for fear of offending me. You are really adorable Quinn." She smiled at me warmly, affectionately. The urge for me to kiss her was so strong but I fought back those feelings. I would not hurt her that way … it would hurt her so much, the thought of being unfaithful in any way. I would not be the cause of her pain over infidelity.

I looked away from her and looked down at my piano. I could feel her stare as I continued to look at the piano in the hopes of destroying the feelings, the desire, raging within me. I wanted to kiss her so badly, so much, but I wouldn't allow myself to give into my weakness and the temptation of her. It would hurt her and she would … she would never speak to me again if I caused her to feel as if she had been unfaithful in any way even if she hadn't been the one to initiate it. I would never and could never do that to her. I cared for her far too much to allow myself to give in to weakness and temptation.

"If … if you'd like … I can … um … well I can perform the song if you want? I will sing and play the accompaniment together if you want to hear it Rachel?" I offered shyly.

A few nervous moments later I turned to look at her and I realized why it was I hadn't heard an answer from her. She was waiting for me to look her in the eyes before she answered me softly, "yes," slipping passed her lips in a quiet murmur. She moved to the side a few steps to give me room to play. I took a deep breath, missing the tender contact between us immediately, before I closed my eyes and readied myself for the performance.

And so without waiting for another moment I played the chord that I decided to start the song off with before accompanying it with some notes and my soft intro to the song's lyrics.

Heartbeat

My heartbeat falls asleep today

Eternal hibernation

Winter beckons me again

My heartbeat has been frozen

Oh~ ho~, yeah~ oh~ ho~

My heartbeat's counting down the days

Til you return from somewhere

The hidden face you ran away

You took my heartbeat with you

It stopped for you

It stopped for you

It's been so long my heart's on hold for you

Oh, oh oh~

My heart is done in

Keeps beating faster and faster and faster

Are you here~?

Must be you~

You're leaving so soon

My heartbeat's going

My heartbeat's going

My heartbeat's … gone

My heartbeat's slowing down again

Sinking as you fade~

Slowly I must let you go

Where's my perfect day~?

It stopped for you

It stopped for you

It's been so long my heart's on hold for you

Oh, oh, oh~

My heart is done in

Keeps beating faster and faster and faster

Are you here~?

Must be you~

You're leaving so soon

My heartbeat's going

My heartbeat's going

My heartbeat's gone … gone … gone

It stopped for you

It longs for you

It's been so long my heart's on hold for you

Oh, oh, oh~

My heart is done in

Keeps beating faster and faster and faster

Are you here~

Must be you~

You're leaving so soon

My heartbeat's going

My heartbeat's going

My heartbeats … gone

I sang the last line slowly and let my voice fade away in such a way that it gave it even more emotion, made it even more powerful a word. Tears had been brimming at the edges of my eyes from the line about how my heart had stopped … because it was truly the case; my heart had stopped for her … she just didn't know it. My heart froze the day it felt something stirring within so strongly at the sight of her ethereal beauty. And I was sure that it would never unfreeze ever again. It would remain frozen until the day she returned my feelings … which I didn't think was ever going to happen because she was far too in love with someone else already. She was already far too in love with Finn Hudson.

I looked over at Rachel and saw the tears in her eyes. She didn't say a thing but she didn't need to … her eyes told me everything she couldn't say in that moment of emotional paralysis. The song had touched her so much she was rendered completely speechless. As I looked at her right in the eyes I could see every single emotion she was feeling as it came to be, came alive, in her warm, sparkling brown eyes. She liked it and it was causing her to become as emotional as the feeling I had put into the song. For the first time since we had met … Rachel Berry had been actually been left speechless by something and it amazed me that I had been the cause of it.

I looked forward to making her speechless like this more often because it was such an endearing sight to witness.

I am so sorry about the late update but my baby sister woke up unexpectedly when I was on the last leg of this chapter and I had to help her because she had a tooth ache and she was feeling upset over the fact that our mother wasn't home. My sincerest apologies but on another note Merry Christmas! This is the first time in my entire writing career I have ever updated on a holiday! Enjoy all!^^ Please feel generous and review since it's Christmas?

姫宮光るより


	9. She Is

Chapter 9

She Is

"She is … the reason I am brave, she is the one who hold me when I'm not strong enough and I need her comfort. She is … my angel from heaven. She makes me feel so happy and alive and strong … like I can do anything. I love her so much. She is my world, she means everything to me, and without her … I would be nothing more than a breathing person … I wouldn't be living without her. Mom, dad … I love her, I love her so much." They were sitting next to each other on the loveseat, funnily enough, and I was sitting a to Santana's right while Brittany was on her left. Santana took a moment to look over at Brittany, who squeezed her hand in encouragement, who in turn gave her a lingering peck on the cheek. "She is my love and my girlfriend." I came over to support Brittany and Santana in their confession to Santana's parents but I had to go back home before midnight so that I could be home for Christmas Eve.

My mother surprisingly enough had been quite calm and … she was the mother I remembered from when my childhood was still good. She had been much kinder and understanding lately and she showed concern and worry when I had attacks these days. Perhaps it was because there was no … Russell in the house and so there was no need to be as uptight … or it might have been the fact that she understood the seriousness of my actions from a few weeks ago. Ever since my attempt at suicide my mother had been much quieter and she was never rude about Rachel coming over ever again. She was in fact very nice if not a bit awkward when Rachel came over just yesterday because she didn't seem to know how to act around her. She looked at her in a special way though. Rachel was my savior and hers in every sense of the word. She had saved me from more than just dying and my mother knew it, she could see it in how Rachel was with me.

I looked from her parent's slightly shocked faces to Santana's brave one to Brittany's loving smile and affectionate kisses to her cheek. I adored my best friends so much. It was such a sweet sight to see the spicy Latina in Santana actually calm down significantly and seeing the soft expression on her face was breathtaking. Santana looked her best, shined the most, when she was around Brittany. Santana glowed with a different kind of beauty when she was around Brittany and I'm sure that that glow was due to their love. The same could be said about Brittany. Brittany was always bright and effervescent, an overflowing ball of energy and brilliance in her happiness and cheerful face and personality. She never showed quite as much brilliance and shine than when she was with Santana. They were just made for each other, an absolutely perfect fit. They were two halves of a whole heart and seeing them together always made me smile and never ceased to fail to brighten my gloomy days.

A nervous Santana was such a rare sight it was so endearing to see. Santana was looking down at their interwoven fingers and her free hand was playing with Brittany's fingers. Brittany, for her part, just continued to smile happily at her and kiss her cheek, forehead, and nose lovingly to keep her calm. She nuzzled her nose into Santana's neck intimately and Santana gently took her right hand out from their clasped fingers to wrap her arm around Brittany to bring her impossibly closer. She used her unoccupied hand to interlace their fingers again and I could see the smile that only seemed to brighten with every loving action from Santana.

"Ay dios mio. Santana, are you sure? This isn't some phase you are going through is it mi hija? We love you very much Santana but … you … you have to be sure of this."

The sounded confused by not scared, not panicked, not angry, just confused. They didn't look as if they were about to yell at her angrily to get out and that in itself was a good sign and it gave Santana courage, strength, to nod resolutely, confidently. There was no hesitation at all in the way she carried herself and looked straight on at her parents. She was nervous, yes, but for her that didn't mean that she was any less in love and she showed it to her parents through that single, head on nod. The way she made sure to have eye contact with them both as she did it showed how absolutely serious she was about their relationship, about their love.

"I guess there is no helping it mi hija, hermosa. You cannot choose who you love … we know that well Santana." Her parents had this look in their eyes that spoke volumes of their love for their daughter, for Santana. "We always wanted the grandchildren … but we are just having to finding them some way different right mija?" Her parents looked a little disappointed at the thought but they were accepting them both nonetheless and though it was a beautiful sight it made my heart tighten just a little bit.

It wasn't that I wasn't that I wasn't happy for them, it wasn't that at all, I just … felt jealous that they had each other whereas I didn't have Rachel. I would never have Rachel because she was painfully, obviously straight and in a happy relationship. I wouldn't destroy that for her because that would be far too cruel a thing for me to do … as much as I hated Finn Hudson for having her … for being able to kiss her, hold her, and just date her … I wouldn't do that to him. I wouldn't do that to Rachel because I loved her … I was far too in love with her and her kindness, her achingly beautiful expressive warm eyes, her adorable impatience, her need to be a verbose little diva. I was just in love with everything about her even though there were some quirks that should have annoyed me, quirks that obviously annoyed other people, I found endearing instead.

They had been talking with each other and Santana's parents decided to sit down and try and get to know Brittany better. The Brittany they had been acquainted with for all of these yeas had been Santana and Quinn's best friend. Now though; they were getting to know her as Brittany, Santana's girlfriend, their daughter's girlfriend. Brittany was no longer just the best friend of their daughter … she was now her lover, her girlfriend, their daughter in law to be when they get there much later on in life.

I had been silent during the entire exchange but I was still comforting Santana in the small ways I could. My presence at the Lopez manor at all had touched Santana and I sat beside her and held her thigh comfortingly when her arms became full of Brittany. There was nothing sexual about the touch and we had never even considered anything like that before. We were just purely best friends as Brittany was to me. Our dynamic over the years hadn't really changed at all. We were the Unholy Trinity but it wasn't just that, we were inseparable best friends and Brittany and Santana being together never changed a thing.

"Hey, Q?" Santana whispered softly. I shook my head slightly to rid myself of my wandering thoughts and turned to look at her. She looked a little worried, I could tell because of the slight furrow in her brows.

"Mm?" I made a noncommittal sound because I was still a little out of it with my thoughts. It seemed like I was always lost in thought these days, troubled thoughts more than anything else. "What's up S? You look pretty serious." She was silent as she looked at me carefully, thoroughly analyzing everything about my face that would give me away, that would give my emotions away.

She continued to look at me for a few more tense seconds before she spoke up finally and it wasn't quite what I was expecting from her. "We need to talk Q. Let's go upstairs to talk while Brittany gets reacquainted with my parents … properly this time." The happy softness in her tone was showing through and the slight smile and the tender expression on her face only solidified it even more. She was happy and I was happy for her, for both of them.

"Okay … I'm happy for you S. I'm really happy for B and you S. You deserve this and I'm happy for you." She looked at me with a tender expression that was reserved specially for me … she had other … _special_ expressions for Brittany that I was glad not to share. Santana had downright lecherous and lusty looks reserved for Brittany that sometimes made me gag at the mental image of them … _ew! Bad place, bad place! Happy thoughts, happy thoughts! Oh God what am I doing to myself? Piano, piano!_ One of the strangest things about me, in my own opinion, was that every time I thought of my piano all of the thoughts I wanted to get rid of disappeared immediately. I suppose it could be said that piano for me was the equivalent of Finn's 'mailman' bid. Piano however did not have quite as disturbing a meaning as Finn's did … that poor man never went on to deliver anything ever again in the postal service after that. Dogs he could deal with … teenage boys learning to drive for the first time and running him over and nearly causing him paraplegia … not so much. He was known for being the legendary Dog Postal Man because for some reason no dog was ever known to hate him or chase after him like in the movies. It happened to some of the other postal service men but never him, strange indeed.

She stood up and told her parents that she would be back because she needed to talk to me about something before I had to go home. At least that's what I figured she said anyways since she spoke in Spanish and I was a French student and I only understood some of the words because Santana spoke it so much I picked up on a few of the phrases she used the most. The one that never failed to make me shudder was the one she whispered, not so discreetly, to Brittany, her voice dripping with lust and want, 'quiero comer su delicioso coño'. I only reason knew what it meant because of how often she had said it I looked it up on a translator I found on Google and I swore to never look up _anything_ Santana said to Brittany in that tone of voice ever again.

I shuddered at the memory as I followed Santana to wherever she wanted us to have our 'talk' privately. We ended up in her room, I never ever slept on that bed despite how big it was for obvious reasons, and she sat down on her bed. I followed her and decided that the edge toward the bottom of the bed was my safest bet because that was where feet were meant to be. I looked up and saw an amused twinkle in her eyes most likely because she _knew_ why I was so squeamish about being anywhere near her bed let alone actually sitting on it. She knew why I never slept on the bed with them or in the same room as them when we had sleepovers. I slept on the couch when we had sleepovers here and if it was at my house I had them sleep on the floor in sleep bags because there was no way I was chancing them doing … that while in my bed. As long as I was sleeping and unaware of any … noises they made while there were … going at it I was perfectly fine with that.

I broke Santana out of her, most likely inappropriate, daydreams about the reasons I didn't like being anywhere near her bed … or more specifically the middle of her bed. "So what did you want to talk to me about … in private all of a sudden?" I saw a slight flicker of hesitation in her eyes before I saw her mentally shake it off and she looked into my eyes.

I was at a loss for how Santana was acting because she stood up from where she was sitting on her bed to walk over to me and stand before me. The look on her face was serious and it was worrying me to see her acting this way, acting so uncharacteristically.

"Look, Quinn, I don't … I don't want you to panic but the other day Brit let it slip that she knows about you and your feelings. I promise that I won't tell her or anyone else … Brit didn't actually say that you were interested in Rachel specifically … she just said that you were in love with someone. I was confused about the way you and Rachel had been interacting two weeks ago and when Brit let it slip last week I just knew it. I knew that it had to be Rachel because of the longing looks you kept shooting her way and the way you looked hurt _because_ you looked away just showed me that you were trying to stop it. You can't stop love Quinn. That's something I know for sure because look at me and Brit. We kept coming back to this one feeling even though for years it was just friendship. I kept trying to convince myself all of middle school and our freshman year of high school that it was just friendship that it wasn't really love between us. But somehow after freshman year … I just couldn't lie to myself that way anymore. It was destroying me and it was hurting Brit so much to be around me when I kept denying our love's existence. So when it got to be too much during the summer Brit and I got together in the middle of June. We started off slowly with the hand holding, hugging, kissing … it was actually … pretty innocent," Santana was flushed as she spoke. "This never leaves this room, Q. I can't have the school thinking that Santana Lopez has a soft mushy side like this. It would kill me and my reputation as the HBIC's fierce second in command. Anyways so what happened was one day while we were hanging out in the park, since you were off in your own little world so we just left you to your thoughts for a bit. While we were walking Brit pulled me aside and pushed me against a tree and … kissed me. It was our first kiss with each other and it was absolutely magical. There were sparks, there were fireworks, there were so many emotions that when she pulled away I was completely blown away. There were no words because there were so many feelings. The best part about it was afterward Brit asked me very bluntly, 'so will you be mine San? I don't like it when other guys are hanging around you because they think you're available. If they see how much you like someone else they won't be able to flirt with you anymore and we can be so hot together San.' She had me at mine …" Santana drifted off into her own world for her a bit, her eyes were glazed over and I could only imagine what it was they did later that night after getting together … _ugh piano, piano! I have to stop thinking about them and their … fun and very much PRIVATE and ALONE time together._

I needed to interrupt her … daydream and … reminiscing because it was growing far too uncomfortable seeing the pupils of her eyes becoming more and more pronounced. Her eyes were becoming very dark with desire … and it was really, really starting to creep me out because both Santana and Brittany were like sisters to me so … just the thought. _No more! I really need to stop doing this to myself!_ I groaned internally before snapping back to reality and out of those disturbing thoughts.

"Santana, Santana, SANTANA!" I had to yell before she jolted and looked at me, startled. She looked like she had a mini heart attack based off of the slight widening in her eyes and the way she held her hand to her chest.

Just as I was about to say something else her parents came barging into the room, looking around wildly, "what is it happening here? Are you cheating your Brittany Santana?" Her parents looked worried and Santana, in true Santana fashion, slapped her hand to her forehead in the ever famous and popular 'facepalm'.

"Ay dios mio! No! I wasn't cheating! I was just … er … um," and this was where she faltered, unable to actually tell her parents that she had been … remembering all the times she had spent … being … intimate with Brittany. How was she supposed to tell her parents that she was just thinking about what she and Brittany were doing together without telling them that she was sexually active? They wouldn't believe otherwise because why else would Santana become so red in the face with embarrassment and flounder, unable to finish what she had started saying?

"If I may, Señor Lopez, I was just trying to get Santana's attention but she was too busy remembering something … _that wasn't_ _funny_ … that happened to hear me. You have my sincerest apologies for yelling her name so loudly and causing such a ruckus Señor y Señiorita Lopez." They both looked back between Santana and me for just a few moments before saying that they were sorry for accusing us of being cheaters, well Santana mostly since it wouldn't have been me cheating, and they were on their way out. They looked undecided if they believed what I said to be the entire truth because they both knew me so well they could hear the faintly nervous tone I had and see the my nervous, slightly twitchy smile. They knew that we were telling the truth about Santana's faithfulness but they couldn't tell what it was I was lying about exactly … or rather which part I was not being completely honest.

I had to hand it to the Lopez's because they were both very smart people and Santana was a cunning fox of a girl. She could lie smoothly without batting an eyelash except for when it came to her parents. Santana was the kind of girl who could rip out another person's throat out and tear them apart because of what they might have said against the people she cared about most but still be a sweet person all at once. She was fierce and protective when it came to those she cared about most being hurt but otherwise she was very, subtly, sweet and caring.

"Um … Santana are you going to finish what you were saying earlier before you got … um … _distracted_ by … yeah." I was far too squeamish for my own good. Really, I couldn't even say things like that without stuttering terribly.

"Huh? Oh right. Yeah okay so … what I was trying to get at earlier is that you are a pressed lemon." The look of confusion on my face must have clued her in on the fact that I had no idea what she was trying to say. "What I'm saying and what I mean by that is basically this Quinn, you are an extremely repressed girl. You've probably had these feelings for her for longer than you know and you only just realized and it and started to _accept_ it because your father is no longer there to repress you. I know what he's like Q, and I understand how stifling it is having a man like him watching over you. It isn't easy at all. In fact it's damn difficult because of all of the bullshit he spews out of his vile, disgusting mouth. He says religion I say hypocrisy, he says hell I said _bull shit_, he says sin I say _fuck off_ you balding loser with a beer belly. I know that the reality is that it isn't that easy for you because he's not only your father but he is also the kind of person who poisons others with his vile words and that stick up his ass that doesn't spew religion but preaches hate instead. He isn't my father so he isn't a problem I'll have to deal with constantly. I can just tell him to fuck off and I'll never have to see him again. You though, you don't have it nearly as easy as that. Your father knows where you live, he knows your phone number, he knows a lot of things about you and he's your damn father even though he doesn't deserve to be. He feels superior to others because he has a shield Quinn. He has religion to use as an excuse for his actions. He is just a spiteful and hateful man who hides behind religion as an excuse to say what he does without repercussion. 'Thou shall not sin' and all of that wonderful jazz he's always saying. He's a fucking coward and that's all he will ever be because he doesn't have the courage to say it without a fucking bible to protect him and his disgusting mouth. He lives off of other people's pain so he's the one going to hell and when he gets there I'm going to laugh in his face and say 'who's the sinner now?' … you don't need to hurt because of a jackass like him Quinn. You don't need to doubt yourself and what you feel for Berry … even though I wonder since she can be so annoying. What I mean is … what you feel for Rachel isn't some phase that's going to go away and you can't just say 'cupid shoot me another arrow and give me a redo' because it's not happening. It's like my parents were saying earlier, you can't choose who you love and even if it pains me to say it … if you like Berry then … I won't pick on her anymore."

I hugged her fiercely in response to what she said even though she looked like she would rather swallow needles than be nice to Rachel it was a step. A huge smile that could rival Rachel's megawatt smile appeared on my face and I felt … so happy. I was relieved and it felt like all of my worries, all of the sorrow, darkness, and anguish that had been surrounding me and enveloping me vanished. It was replaced by a bright light … my once lightless world was full of brightness again. It wasn't as if everything was going to be sunshine, rainbows, and puppy dogs so easily but … there was finally some hope for me. There was more than a light at the end of the tunnel … there was an entire sun shining down on me now. There was more than a candle of hope … there was an entire sky of it. What Rachel, Brittany, and Santana were telling me all along suddenly made sense … and I felt so much lighter now. The thousand pound weight I had been carrying was now being shouldered by three other people for now. The burden was not quite as heavy but I knew that it was still present … I just needed to find more support so that it would become so light it wouldn't hurt to carry it anymore.

"Thank you Santana. This means so much more to me than you can ever know. I love you S. Thank you for everything." Another pair of arms joined us and we both instinctively knew it was Brittany. So we stood in a group hug for just a few minutes before we all pulled back. I had some tears in my eyes, tears of relief, and eventually I let them fall until they were all gone and I was able to see my friends smiling back at me. I could honestly say that today was the best day I'd had in months and I felt at peace and a little happy even because of the emotional release I'd had. Crying wasn't such a bad thing sometimes. Crying could be one of the greatest and best ways to release emotions that had been bottled up for far too long.

Monday morning I found myself hanging out at the Lima Bean with Santana and Brittany while we sipped our respective drinks and had some scones and biscotti with them. They were both being so lovey-dovey with each other in their own little bubbly world I decided to look around out of boredom. The sight of a giant oaf with a girl far too tall to be Rachel made my heart stop beating for a few seconds before it started up again much too quickly. She was blonde and she looked like she was just the tiniest bit taller than me. I knew that he was on a date with her because of the way she hung on his arm and snuggled her head against his shoulder. No siblings I knew of ever did that and I knew he didn't have any cousins who were blonde because his entire family consisted of brunettes and red-heads. The only blondes who happened to be in the family were dirty blonde and they came from _outside_ of the family. He was cheating on Rachel! My blood boiled and adrenaline was rushing through my body at the very thought of it.

Without thinking I stood up from my chair so quickly a slight scraping noise grabbed Santana and Brittany's attention, breaking them from their bubbly world of bliss. I paid them no as I marched over to where he was standing with his _date_ in line to order whatever it was they were in the mood for.

"Hey Finn?" He stiffened at hearing his name. He turned his head to look at me. I felt my face heat up further with anger. He was too much of a coward to turn his entire body around and actually look at me because he knew how confrontational I was being. He didn't even bother to respond to me properly, he hummed his acknowledgement. I was not a happy girl at all. "Finn Hudson, you are not only a cheater you are also a coward. I can't believe you have the nerve to do something so low to Rachel! Is it because you're embarrassed of her? Is it because she's too high strung and smart for an idiot like you? Is it because you can never understand what she's saying because she is intelligent and she's so bright she's going to make something of herself and you're not? Is it because she won't give you her _virginity_?" I whispered the word in a very menacing way. "Is it because she's too _good_ for _scum_ like you? She doesn't deserve you at all … no she deserves a hundred times better than you, _Finn Hudson_. She deserves so much better than you could ever be." My words were heated and they were coming out of my mouth so quickly I could see him getting mental whiplash trying to keep up with me. At some point Santana and Brittany had come to stand next to me just in case they were needed.

The girl who had been on his arm pulled away from him harshly after hearing what I said. "You … you're cheating on me? How _dare_ you! I can't believe you've been cheating on me and you had the nerve to try and pretend you didn't know this wasn't going to happen from the very beginning. A cheater never cheats without eventually getting found out. We're through you jerk." He tried to speak but she pushed passed him but he grabbed her arm.

"Wai—" she slapped him right in the face and pulled his paw off of her small arm.

"Wait for what? You want me to wait for you to lie to me some more before you're done? You want me to wait so you can make a bigger fool out of yourself? No thanks I don't want to wait around for that." She turned away from him again but this time she stopped right next to me. "Thank you for telling me. I know you didn't even intentionally rat him out to me specifically but thank you nonetheless. My name is Regina." She had sparkling blue eyes, dirty blonde hair, and a pretty face. She smiled as she put her hand out in front of her and waited for me to shake her hand. I shook it gently, taken aback by the gesture because I was still on an adrenaline induced high.

"Oh, it's nice to meet you Regina. I'm Quinn and these two are my best friends Brittany and Santana." I said distractedly, still watching Finn who was still standing there like the big, idiotic oaf that he was. He looked mad but he had yet to retaliate and I knew that at any moment his stupid, idiotic words would attempt to lie to salvage the situation.

"She's lying to you Regina! How can you believe her? You don't even know her! How do you know she's not just making this whole thing up just to get you to break up with me? She's just my jealous ex and she just wants me back so much she's lying to you." He yelled stupidly, the smirk at the end just proved it to the four of us. I wondered how he made that lie up in the small time span he did because it really was a good lie for him to come up despite how idiotic he truly was.

"I can tell that she isn't lying because of the look on her face and the tone of her voice. She wasn't faking any of it and I can tell that you _are_ lying to try and save your lying, cheating ass because of how bad you are at lying and because of that stupid smirk on your face at the end. You thought you had the upper hand then? Well you're completely wrong because it just made you that much worse. You seriously thought that I would believe you? Pathetic. You are so pathetic. I am done with you and this act, this pretending you did all of these months. I guess I'm the one who is even stupider than you though for believing in you and everything you said, all of the excuses you made not to let me see you at school." With that she turned away from him. She looked at us briefly before saying this, "I'll see you guys some other time hopefully. I want to you all again someday so I can pay you back somehow. This really means a lot to me. I know it might not seem like such a big deal for you but I want to thank you all someday soon." And with that she left the coffee shop.

A dead silence fell over the once bustling shop in her wake. The scene had been made a huge deal and it seemed as if all of the patrons now had their eyes on us while we had our glaring eyes on Finn. He stood there in shock, rubbing at his sore cheek, as he stared off in the direction his now ex-girlfriend had left. It was as if he couldn't comprehend why she had left … why she hadn't believed him as if his accusation held any merit at all.

Finally he looked away from where she had left him and looked down at us, me more specifically, and spoke with venom in his voice. "Look at what you did Quinn! She broke up with me because of you and your loud mouth! Since when were you and Rachel friends anyway? Last time I checked you guys hated each other's guts and you weren't even talking! She would never have known if you hadn't gone and said anything! And now Rach—" This time around I was the one who slapped him hard on the face, so hard his face literally flew to the left, and a resounding smack could be heard in the dead quiet coffee shop. I wanted to dive in for more but I knew I had to control myself.

I was breathing hard, almost as if I had been running a mile. "Don't you dare … don't you dare say another word Finept. I don't want to hear another word out of your idiotic, cheating, disgusting mouth. You cheated on the two of them and you expect either one of them to be okay with that? You have been lying to them both for months and you have the _nerve_ to chide me, to yell at me, to think that you are in the right at all? I think not Finn. You are a slimy scumbag and when school starts again I'm going to make sure that you will never get another girlfriend ever again from our school. I'm going to make sure that Rachel is never bothered by you again and for your information Rachel and I have been friends for longer than your tiny brain can conceive. She saved my life Finn … she rescued me and though I didn't want to be rescued at the time … I'm grateful to her for her kindness. If it hadn't been for her I wouldn't even have the pleasure to be here to chew you up and spit you out like the disgusting pig you are no offense to pigs since they are much cleaner than you. I'm sick of looking at your face now so I'm leaving." With that I turned away from him and looked at Santana and Brittany.

"I don't like cheating scum like you being in my shop and dirtying the air with your filth so I'd very much appreciate it if you'd leave Mr. Hudson." The proprietor of the shop was a woman and she seemed very in control of her emotions despite how tense she looked. Finn just stood there and stared with his jaw hanging open. It was as if he couldn't understand what she had just said and he continued to stare until she spoke again. "I'm asking you to get out of my shop because I call the police and tell them that you have been harassing and disturbing my customers. These young girls here don't need to witness garbage like you enjoying anything from my shop so leave now." She spoke with authority. His face turned red and he walked out quickly but before he left he kicked a chair on his way out and it ended up on the floor. "Well he's banned from my shop for as long as he lives." She muttered under her breath. "If you girls want anything it's on the house?"

We shook our heads politely at her kind gesture. "No thank you I think we need to get going. She doesn't look so good and we might need to take her straight home."

The shop owner nodded her head in understanding. "Okay you do that but before you go I would like to say something," she said kindly. We nodded our heads for her to continue. "Well, the next time any one of you come in here and you want something it's on the house. What you did today took a lot of courage to do and though you did cause a scene I know it wasn't your intention at all and you just wanted to protect your friend from his kind. I really appreciate that kind of thing and so I'm glad to get him out of my shop and to welcome the three of you here any time you're feeling up for some good Lima coffee."

She was being extremely kind and her offer was very generous and so we didn't have the heart to say no to her. "Thank you so much for that, it's really nice of you …" Santana started, her politeness came from her parents teaching her to have manners that she remembered … most of the time.

"Sharon. Call me Sharon. Again any time you come back the offers open. Now go on and take care of your friend, she really looks like she needs it." We nodded again as Santana went to grab our things, Sharon had given containers and bags to help us organize them. Brittany had to hold on to my waist to help keep me steady since the adrenaline rush had left me and I felt exhausted from the stress I had put myself under over _Finn Hudson_. I had never taken him as a cheater … I had never thought of him as someone capable of something so low, so despicable. I guess I was completely wrong there.

Santana, Brittany, and I were all in my room doing the same thing in different ways. We were thinking but Brittany was pacing, Santana was sitting at my desk with her head in her hands, and I was lying down on my bed. I sat up abruptly when I thought of something that would solve the problem … or at least allow me to vent my feelings about the problem of telling Rachel without completely crushing her.

"I have an idea! I know what I can do! Santana, Brittany, come over here!" I shouted gleefully. I was so happy and proud of myself to thinking of this solution. "So here's what I thought up of. Okay so after everything Finn's done he's going to try and be a better boyfriend to her to make sure she thinks we're lying about him cheating right?" They both nodded simultaneously. "Okay what better way to prove that he _is_ a cheater than by provoking him into confessing it right?"

They both nodded but Santana interrupted me. "But wait, how are we going to do that if he isn't going to want to come clean? He's going to keep denying it no matter what we say to Rachel." She said and Brittany nodded her head in agreement.

I huffed before continuing, "I was just getting to that Santana! Okay, so, anyways where was I before I was so _rudely_ interrupted?" I paused for a moment before I remembered, "oh yeah. Okay so what I am going to do is I'm going to write a song, which I have a good idea of already, talking about how I hate this guy who is obviously cheating on his girlfriend. I'm going to keep telling her that she shouldn't be with him and that she should stop dating him because he is going to hurt her. I'm going to say that she should fall in love with someone else and you guys are going to help me with that song okay? It's going to be a group song and you guys are perfect for helping with the chorus and some other parts of the song we will sing together. The problem is I'm going to need two guys to help me with singing it so it's not so obvious that I am directing it at either Rachel or Finn. But the question now is who else can we enlist so that it isn't so obvious?" I stopped there and the look on Santana's face was absolutely devilish.

"I think I might just have the perfect candidates in mind Quinn." As much as I loved Santana her devious mind scared me a little sometimes. I was so glad that I would never be on the receiving end of her devious schemes of mayhem and chaos. I shuddered at the thought of her ire ever being directed at me but I knew it was never going to happen and I was thankful for that small mercy in my life.

We scheduled the song to be song on Tuesday after school started up again. Our two extras had no idea where this song was coming from or who it was intended for and it suited our needs and purpose perfectly. We had all practiced it rigorously over the last few days of Christmas break and we had it down pat. Mike and Sam were the two candidates that Santana had picked out, one for choreographing with Brittany and the other for his vocal skills. I would be sitting at the piano playing while the other four danced and sang their lines of the chorus. It was in short, perfect.

Mr. Schuester was more than happy to let us sing to get us started into school again from a long break. He was actually very excited to hear the song. "I am so happy that you guys decided to spend part of your break writing songs for the club to enjoy! I am so excited and I can't wait to hear what you guys prepared for the club today." And so at the end of the day our time to shine with the song I, once again, wrote and composed came.

I sat at the piano while everyone else got into their positions for the song. I started the song off by playing the introductory notes and I sang the beginning.

That Man Opposed (by Dalmatian if you want to listen to it, it's really good.^^)

Don't wanna be lonely  
>I wanna just fall in love<br>I love you  
>So won't you come into my heart?<p>

Oh yeah (oh oh follow me, follow me)  
>Oh yeah (oh oh follow me, follow me)<br>I need you girl (oh oh follow me, follow me)  
>I love you oh, oh you, you, you<p>

The guy you like  
>Is the worst guy I've seen ever<br>It's frustrating (hey)  
>It's a sticky situation (he played you)<br>Why don't you know he's a player, baby?

Why are you a fool  
>And living your life being tricked<br>It's obvious that you're going to be played  
>And end up crying in the end<br>Why do you love

With your eyes closed  
>And ears shut girl<p>

I oppose that man  
>He's not the one<br>Come to me and  
>Don't believe in him<br>Fall in love with me  
>Let us fall in love<br>Open your eyes  
>So won't you come into my<br>Come into my heart

If that guy betrays you,  
>I'll beat him up<br>If he doesn't take care of  
>Your anniversary date,<br>I'll do it instead  
>I'm the complete opposite of him,<br>But you don't have to worry  
>So follow me, follow me<br>Follow me, follow me, oh girl

Because I thought you'd be hurt  
>I couldn't say anything<br>If you like it, then I'll like it too  
>But I can't bear it any longer<br>To see you get hurt  
>When he drinks, he changes and<br>He has too many girls aside from you  
>Why do you love with your eyes closed<br>And ears shut girl.

I oppose that man  
>He's not the one<br>Come to me and  
>Don't believe in him<br>Fall in love with me  
>Let us fall in love<br>Open your eyes  
>So, won't you come into my<br>Come into my heart

Follow me follow me  
>Trust only me and follow me<br>You're my l.o.v.e l.o.v.e.  
>I only have you<br>Girl I wanna be, wanna be  
>The love you wanted<br>So, I believe, I believe oh!  
>I believe, I believe L.O.V.E LOVE<p>

You, the one I love  
>I want to place you in my heart<br>And if you want  
>I'll hug you<br>Fall in love with me  
>Let us fall in love<br>Open your eyes  
>So won't you come into my<br>Come into my heart

And my plan had worked out perfectly like I thought it would. As we all sang his face became redder and redder before he burst out just as I played the last notes of the song on the piano. "I'm not cheating on her! What the hell?" Finn stood up and burst out yelling that before he started yelling at Sam and Mike as well. "Did they tell you too? Is that why you guys helped them sing and choreograph this stupid song? Did you do it just to humiliate me? I can't believe you would do something so low like that!" He yelled out angrily, not realizing his mistake. Rachel looked devastated because she knew as well as the entire club knew that not a single one of us had said anything about Finn being the one cheating on Rachel.

I looked right at Rachel from where I was still sitting on the piano bench. "We never said anything like that at all Finn." I whispered softly. I didn't like that Rachel was hurt but at least this way … it wasn't like we were purposely keeping it a secret from her. We told her instead of having her find out on her own which would have been much more painful.

"Like hell you didn't! You were practically accusing me of it with every single word you sang!" He yelled angrily, still not realizing that he was the one who slipped up and that we really hadn't done anything to actually accuse him of his infidelity.

"Look dude we didn't say anything. We were just asked to help Quinn with choreographing the song and singing it with her since she wanted this to be a group song with some guys in it. That's all so we don't know what you're going on about here with this whole 'accusing' thing. If anything you're accusing us of doing something when we didn't do anything. You're the one who threw the accusation around and not us about you cheating." Sam said and the rest of the club, though stunned by the turn of events, nodded their agreement with him. Finn's face became impossibly redder with anger and embarrassment.

"Finn, Quinn and Sam are right. They never once said that they were accusing you of cheating on me even though that is part of what they were singing. You were the one who stood up and started yelling about infidelity, not them." Rachel spoke quietly. She looked so broken and the tears shining in her eyes upset me so much I almost wanted to take it back but this was for the best. In the end it would be better for her to find out from the source himself rather than others around her. "What gave you the idea that they were specifically targeting you Finn? It's because it's completely true isn't it? I can see it in your eyes that it is true and that you know you just made a mistake by standing up and speaking at all in such a rash manner. You're the one who gave yourself away and I don't need to ask … just never speak to me again. We're over and I don't want to hear your voice until I am over this … until I am over what you chose to do."

And with that Rachel stood up with her things and rushed out of the room. I stood up and ran after her desperately. I heard Santana's voice distantly behind me yelling at 'Finnidelity' as I ran after Rachel, my heart pounding wildly and my breath coming in and out unevenly.

"Rachel! Rachel, wait!" I yelled desperately and she stopped running and turned to look at me. I stood still and allowed myself to wheeze as I hunched over with my hands on my knees now that she had finally stopped. Before I realized it she was standing next me to help support my weight.

"Where is it Quinn?" She asked me immediately, worriedly. I pointed back to where my locker was and she helped me to it. When I was finally able to breathe again I leaned back against my locker just to catch my breath for a few moments.

"I'm sorry Rachel. I'm so sorry that you had to find out this way." I spoke softly looking anywhere but at her. I couldn't bear to look at her and see the pain that that revelation had caused her. I wondered if maybe I shouldn't have done it … if I should have done it in a different way to save her a little bit of pain.

"I know … Quinn, I know. You were just trying to do the right thing … can you please just answer me this?" She asked quietly, pain so evident in her voice. I nodded my head slowly once. "How did you know?" Her voice trembled terribly and I wish I hadn't agreed now.

"I … saw him … with another girl who didn't know." Rachel collapsed to the floor and sobbed into her knees. I sat down next to her and held her in my arms as she continued to cry and weep. She nuzzled her face into my neck and cried her eyes out until no more tears could fall from them because she had cried them all.

And then all hell broke loose when I saw Finn coming out of the club room. I gently pried her off of me as I saw him making his way over to us. "Shh, it's okay Rachel, I'll be right back okay?" I stood up just as he got to about ten feet away from us and I walked right up to him and slapped him so hard in the face I heard his crack neck from the sheer force. "Don't you _ever_ talk to her again, Finn. Don't even _look_ at her because if you do so before she's ready I am going to make sure that the rest of the school knows about what a cheating liar you are and I'm going to make the rest of this year absolute _hell_ for you. You already hurt her and Regina enough so leave them both alone now. If you don't … I will make sure you pay for it." With that I turned my back on him only to feel him grab my arms and slam my back right into the lockers.

"What the hell is wrong with you Quinn? You are trying to ruin my relationship with Rachel by lying! It's the only way you can win isn't it, Quinn?" He was holding my arms so tightly I could feel his short fingers digging into my skin.

"Let me go you jerk! Let go of me now!" I yelled but his grip tightened as he stared down at me with absolute hatred.

"Let her go right this instance Finn! She is still weak from last month! She isn't lying to me and I can't believe that you are still trying to say otherwise!" Rachel's voice was both panicked and indignant as she watched helplessly, unable to move him because of how much larger he was. "You are never going to get me back with how you are behaving right now and you're certainly not doing yourself any favors either by acting so childishly and not admitting to your mistake openly." Rachel was getting desperate to get him to let me go but he just wouldn't and I was starting to feel faint from the pain of his fingers digging into my arm so roughly. She was standing next to me trying to pry his hand off of my right arm with no success whatsoever.

I was fading fast and before I knew it I was falling because someone had tackled Finn off of me. Arms I was becoming very familiar with were supporting my weight almost entirely because I had gone limp. I heard yelling.

"What the hell is wrong with you man? She's still weak from what happened last month and then you go and do something like that to her? You jackass! She's a girl and she's weak because of what happened to her and then you go and decide to throw a fit because she caught you and outted you for the cheater you are? You fucking idiot!" Puck had to be held back from beating the daylights out of Finn for what he had done to me and so was Santana but Santana was easier to deal with because she was being restrained by Brittany.

"You fucking, filthy idiot! I am going to _fucking kill_ you! What the hell do you think you're doing to Quinn! You fucking piece of trash! Vaya arder en el infierno de pendejo!" Santana yelled and I could tell that Mr. Schuester understood perfectly what she said but he didn't reprimand her because of the circumstances she said it in. My body was weak from the lack of blood flow from my arms and the amount of pressure he had put on them. They were completely numb and I could tell that they were going to bruise because of what Finn had done. There were already some imprints of his hands on my arms and they were an angry red color. Soon enough they were going to be an ugly dark purple color instead. I felt Rachel's arms tighten around my waist as she held me in her arms gently. I could finally say that I was in heaven and only heaven while I was in her arms this time around because we fit perfectly and there was no more Finn Hudson for Rachel.

And the plot starts moving forward this chapter!^^ So this was the long awaited, not really, chapter 9 everyone~!^^ This is the longest chapter yet!^^ Enjoy!^^ I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas!^^

姫宮光るより


	10. Moving Back And Forth

Chapter 10

Moving Back And Forth

After how Finn had acted yesterday he was suspended from school for two weeks and he was also kicked out of Glee Club by Mr. Schuester. Not a single club member had been impressed by his actions. Finn was allowed a small mercy though; he was allowed to join the club again next year but only if he behaved the rest of the year. We were now eleven members instead and Nationals were coming up in a few months and we needed to find our last member in order for it to happen at all. Leave it to Finn Hudson to do something so stupid and ruin it for everyone.

My mother had been furious with the bumbling oaf for what he had done to me because I came home with bruises and Rachel, Santana, and Brittany came with me to make sure I was okay. They helped me around the house because my body felt so broken and sore because of his large hands. The bruises on my arms were so large they wrapped around the whole of my arm and there were distinct finger marks on them as well. It hurt to move my arms at all and it was so bad I had to ask Santana to drive my car back since Brittany and Santana usually went to school together. I could hardly move my arms from the immense pain it caused me and my body was so weak from the ordeal I literally had to have them hold me up and carry me around.

On the car ride to my home, in Rachel's car, I was so out of it I nearly fell asleep several times but Rachel wouldn't let me. She kept calling my name to make sure I was still awake even though all I wanted to do was give in to the exhaustion. I wanted to allow myself to sleep so I could breathe without the pain in my body marking every second, every move. It hurt so terribly I just wanted to let go and allow sweet, blissful unawareness to take over, I wanted to allow myself the mercy of unconsciousness. I wanted to give myself the option of feeling nothing in the darkness of sleep but Rachel explained her fear of me becoming comatose and therefore I wasn't allowed to sleep.

When we finally arrived at my house Rachel got up and around to my side of the car before I even finished getting the seatbelt off. Then again she was the one who buckled me in the first place since I couldn't move my arm without feeling agonizing pain in the bruised area. "Quinn, do try not to move around too much. Santana and Brittany have yet to arrive but I want to assist you into the house so that you can rest on a softer surface and ease the pain by icing it. Hold still Quinn, just hold on. Come on, careful now though." She gently helped me up but it still hurt because my throbbing arm came into contact with her skin and I cried out in pain. "Oh, Quinn, I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! I'm so, so sorry Quinn! Calm down, calm down, Quinn. I am so, so sorry but you need to calm down." Rachel was absolutely panicked and desperate.

I heard another car pull up beside the both of us, Rachel still trying to calm me while simultaneously carrying me, and I, for my part, felt the need to allow darkness in. I wanted to succumb to the need for sleep to recover but Rachel wouldn't let me do so because she was unreasonably afraid of me falling into a coma. People don't usually just fall into a coma randomly because of something like a big oafish idiot grabbing their arms and squeezing so tightly it hurts and bruises like this. Then again Rachel's father, Hiram Berry, was one of the best doctors in Lima, there wasn't much competition but he was quite competent. I'd heard that he was the one who had operated on me and saved me almost an entire month ago.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa Berry, relax and let us help you carry her in. Actually scratch that and just let Brit carry her into the house. I'll take care of opening the door and you … grab her stuff okay?" Santana only got this forceful, in this kind of way, when she felt like she needed to take charge of a situation to help the ones she cared about most. It was her way of showing care and what made me even prouder of her in that moment was she was still herself even without the insults to Rachel. Santana was serious about never being part of the 'I hate Rachel Berry' parade anymore because she could see how much I care for her … how much I love her. "Come on Brit, let's go." And with that Santana helped eased me into Brittany's strong but gentle arms and she picked me up bridal style as if I weighed nothing more than a feather did.

"Oh, Quinn, I'm going to tell Lord Tubbington what Finn did to you so he can take care of him his own way. Lord Tubbington is really protective of you and San you know? He loves you both very much and he once threw a hissy fit and scratched this tree's bark out when San accidentally scratched her arm against it this one time. Oh and the one time someone pushed you down on the playground during 3rd grade even though you were just standing around the swings waiting for your turn; remember how the next day he had some scratches on his arms? That was Lord Tubbington! I yelled at him when I found out but he knew and I knew that I wasn't as mad because he hurt you but it still wasn't the right thing to do even if it was to protect you." Brittany was silly but oh so very honest and innocent.

I opened my eyes and looked up into her striking and piercing blue eyes. She smiled down at me and I smiled back and I snuggled into her as best I could in my weakened condition. She pulled me up higher on her so I could reach her neck without a problem and I snuggled into her neck easily. "Thank you Brittany. I love you."

She smiled even more widely and quickly, gently, nuzzled my head with her chin in a loving gesture and I felt my heart warm with the feeling. "I love you, too, Quinn. San does too. I think that Rachel might be starting to see you Quinn. I know she loves you but she doesn't love you like I love San or San loves me yet but I can see that she loves you Quinn. Don't worry I think she's already starting to fall in love with you a little bit. Oh, oh that reminds me. San was coming up a plan the other day to get you two together. It was so romantic!" At the incredulous and shocked look on my face Brittany's eyes widened comically in shock and then she grimaced. "Oh … I wasn't supposed to tell you that. Please don't tell San I told you! She's going to be so upset if she knows you found out because of me! San really, really wants to help you win Rachel over Quinn!" It was my turn to widen my eyes to the size of a chipmunk in surprise.

Seriously just the _thought_ of Santana playing matchmaker was bizarre let alone the thought of Santana _trying_ to help Rachel _fall in love_ with _me_ of all people! It was one thing for Santana to stop with the name calling and actually be civil towards Rachel but it was another thing entirely for her to be civil_ and_ play matchmaker because of how much she disliked Rachel. Santana may have never really hated Rachel per se but she most definitely did not like her much let alone was she willing to help her. Well Santana was mostly helping me but still she was in an indirect way helping Rachel in helping me and that thought stunned me.

The thirty foot walk from my driveway to my house never seemed so long before, never seemed so prolonged. Then the extra ten feet from the front door to the expansive parlor to my living room, another five feet away also seemed long when in reality the entire walk with Brittany carrying me was no longer than five minutes in total. What was five minutes felt like it was much longer than that, seemed infinitely longer than the five minutes it actually was.

Time once again seemed to be playing with me, toying with me cruelly. Time was a cruel mistress, one that stopped for no one and nothing. If the world were to end everything would feel as if it were going by far too quickly because there would be no time left for anything but dead. In retrospect if someone had nothing to do they would have all the time in the world, too much time to waste away, and time would move by too slowly for them. Time was always playing cruel games with people and never did it side with someone or anyone … as neutral as time was as an element … sometimes it seemed as if time favored some and spurned others. Just another minute and I could have died last month … just another moment longer and I would have died and there would have been a burial, tomb, and grave.

Time and fate were against me. Time wouldn't let me die and fate wouldn't let me fall out of love with the one person who would never be able to love me back. One straight Rachel Berry was never going to be able to love me because even with no boyfriend, no Finn Hudson, in the way … she was still undeniably heterosexual. There was no way that anything Santana did was going to help her fall for me because there was no way of making fate choose me for her, only her for me. Cruelly so fate chose her for me but not me for her … because I … am gay and she is not. She was made for me but I was not made for her … I was not born the right gender, the right person for her to love. I was mean, bitchy, HBIC, head cheerleader Quinn not tall, athletic, stupid, and handsome. I was definitely no Finn Hudson … but neither was I a boy.

I was nothing she would ever be interested in but she was everything for me. She was perfect for me because of her personality, her beauty, her endearing quirks, just her being her made her perfect for me.

Not long after that thought I felt myself being placed in a sitting position on one of the cushy loveseats in my living room and I heard shuffling from the entrance of the house. Brittany stayed with me after she set me down as gently as possible while Santana most likely went to the kitchen to get me an ice pack. Well, probably two of them that would have to be held by others because I couldn't possibly hold them for myself.

"This is … going to hurt Q so … um … well," and she gently pressed an ice pack against my right arm and I held back the scream that wanted to leave my body. I felt tears prickling at the edge of my eyes but I held them back too. The other ice pack, moments after I had adjusted to the one on my right, was placed carefully on my left arm and it was too much for me and I felt a whimper escape and a few hot tears trickle down my face. They were wiped away by a gentle hand and I opened my eyes, I had shut them tightly at the contact of the first ice pack, to see Rachel looking at me with caring, warm eyes. I indistinctly heard Santana whisper something to Brittany but I couldn't make out what they had said for all of their proximity to me.

"I'm so sorry about everything Quinn. This is my fault. I allowed you to get hurt and it's entirely my fault that you're in pain right now. I should not have let things go on like that because I wanted to believe in Finn." It hurt to hear her blame herself over Finn's actions and I felt the need to tell her that it wasn't her fault but surprisingly enough Santana beat me to it.

"Berry … you'd better listen carefully because I'm only going to say this once all right?" Santana looked fierce with emotion, "as much as you feel guilty over this it's not your damn fault all right? I mean sure he was your boyfriend but there was no way you could have stopped him from being the jackass he is all right? He hurt Quinn because he's an asshole and all around idiot. I don't care that he was mad at her for outing him for being the cheater he is, he had _no fucking right_ to do that to Quinn. I'm still pissed off and I really want to beat his face in." Santana then started muttering in Spanish under her breath. She let out a surprised gasp and I opened my eyes to see that Rachel was hugging Santana and Santana, for her part, looked like a deer caught in headlights at the intimate action.

"Thank you Santana." Rachel whispered softly, her voice shaking with emotion.

Santana looked even more surprised by that. "Um … Berry … what … what are you doing?" Santana looked so completely stunned that had the moment not been so touching I would have laughed at the expression on her face. She looked so surprised by the action it was almost more comical than endearing to see her eyes open as wide as they were while she continued to hold the ice to my arm. What might have surprised Rachel even more was the fact that Santana didn't try to pull away at all and she just allowed her to hug her. It was so endearing a sight despite its strangeness.

"I am simply thanking you Santana. I am merely expressing my gratitude to you in the only way I can at present. I do not have cookies I can bake here nor anything else but a simple hug to show you my gratitude and so hug you I shall Santana. It means so much to me to hear you say something so kind." Rachel was so sincere that even Santana didn't have the heart to be snippy in her usual way at that moment.

"Okay but _this,_" she used her free hand to gesture between them, "does not leave this room you got that Berry?" Well too Santana I suppose seeing as Santana will always be Santana even if she's having a soft moment in front of others she actually trusts dearly and loves. It was just Santana's way of dealing with things in her own unique way. I could tell that Rachel wanted to say something more but knew that Santana, being Santana, wouldn't let it show even if she did like or appreciate what she said and so she just continued to hug her for a moment longer.

"I understand fully Santana. I will not reveal to anyone your penchant for hiding your soft side Santana. Everyone has something secret that they like to keep to themselves and your secret something is this kinder, softer side you save for when you feel safe, for your loved ones. You have no need to worry because I know how to keep a secret. You have my word that I will maintain your trust and that you will not have to worry about me divulging it to anyone else." Rachel once again went from what could have ended so quickly to a long winded speech about her trustworthiness.

Santana commented on it herself. "Okay you know what Berry? I get it. I got it after about the second sentence since you started speaking. You can be trusted. It could have ended there you know? I don't have any doubts about you all right? Comprende? I mean it's nice to know that you are … well trustworthy but you didn't have to go that far with it. All right so … wes cool now." Santana and her gangster talk … was such a mystery to me. Her father made a lot of money from being a doctor and well … her mother didn't come from a poor family so her gangster talk still confused me. I just had to wonder where she learned that kind of speech.

"I'm glad that you feel that way Santana." Rachel was all smiles and she looked to where Brittany was. Brittany had taken Rachel's place next to me with the ice bag because Rachel, in her excitement, left the ice pack abandoned next to me. "Oh I just remembered! Quinn your mother was informed of this incident but will she be able to take time off of work to take care of you Quinn? I understand that your mother did take a little time off when you first came home from the hospital so I'm not sure if she is going to be able to do that this time around. If she is not able to I am willing to volunteer in helping you with whatever you might need me for. I am willing to dedicate time in the morning to come and pick you up and drop you off after school as well and if need be I will stay with you until someone else is able to help you. I hope you will take this offer into consideration and accept it since it is the best I can do for you." Rachel was looking at me with such a tender, caring glance.

I could see just looking at Santana's face that she had a plan, one of her crazy plots most likely to help set us up with each other, formulating in her mind right now. Santana was a master schemer in elementary school and that fact hadn't changed to this day and so I was just the tiniest bit worried because of the smirk on her face. I wanted to say something but before I could even open my mouth Santana's scheming mind beat me to it.

"Rachel, that sounds like such a good idea! I'll have to work out the details with Mrs. Fabray for you! I'm sure she'll be very … happy to hear that you care so much and that you're willing to help Quinn out like this. She definitely needs to have someone trustworthy and dependable like you around to help Quinn so she can work without worrying about Quinn not being looked after properly. I'll call her right now if you'll excuse me." She gently took hold of Rachel's hand and placed it on the ice pack she had been holding and did the same with the one Brittany had been holding. Then she took Brittany by the hand and dragged her out of the room with her and I knew immediately that it was so we could be alone. I looked after her form leaving the room with a slightly agape mouth after being astounded by her witty mind yet again. Some days Santana amazed me and left me speechless in both good and bad ways.

With the last of their footsteps padding away softly into stillness I was as tense as I could be because of how much I feared being alone with Rachel. She tenderly lifted the ice packs from my arms and I hissed at the sudden naked feeling of warmth without the ice packs being held to my arms. She put them aside and whispered something about "10 minutes," and then looked straight at me. I gulped passed the lump in my throat and looked away for a moment before I dared to look back at her. She looked puzzled by my actions. It was as if she didn't understand the reason for the way I would look at her and then look away as if I was afraid of her and then look back in a whole different way. In a way that was very profoundly unlike the look of before that she had yet to come to understand. I didn't want her to understand it at all and so I kept my gaze level and ambiguous.

She continued to look me in the eyes and it emphasized the feel of the pounding in my chest and the softness of the look I was giving her. I couldn't stop no matter how hard I tried because it was just one of those feelings, emotions so strong, I couldn't control because of its intensity.

"Why is it … I mean … well what I'm trying to say … I mean …" she stopped herself and took a deep breath and held it in for a few moments before blowing it out slowly. "Well what I am trying to say, though I am unsure about the wording right now, is I'm not sure what it means when you look at me like this. I keep trying to understand it but it seems like every time I do you put up some kind of wall and I just can't identify the meaning of it, the reason behind it. It's like I can see a fragment of it but the rest of it is hidden in shadows, surrounded by a heavy mist of fog. I can't just plow through blindly even though it seems like it is the only way to see what it truly is you are feeling when you look at me like that. I … wish to ask you but I am not sure if you are willing to answer me." I could see the questioning gaze she was giving me, the pouting puppy dog face that was causing me to feel like giving in even though there was nothing to give her yet.

"I'm sure that … whatever it is you are going to ask me I will be willing to answer you truthfully Rachel." That was mostly true and so I let it be.

"Okay, well, here it is. I just want to know … what it means when you look away from me and then you look back only moments later with an … an apathetic look on your face. It confuses me because you are a friend of mine now and yet … sometimes I cannot perceive how you are feeling because it seems as if you are putting up walls. Not just any walls either. These walls, or more accurately a fortress, you put up is very impenetrable from what I can see because I can't see a single thing passed the ten foot high walls of your fortress. It hurts me every time I see you do this because … for me it feels as if you don't trust me at all … like you are shutting me out from you. I know that I've told you this many times before but I will say it again; you can talk to me about _anything_ and I will not judge you. You know as well as I do that I wasn't born to judge others." She was looking at me with imploring eyes and I felt my conscience give an almighty shake of painful realization.

"I … I can only apologize … it isn't that I don't trust you or anything like that at all … it's just that … I'm not used to opening up. Heck I hardly ever tell Santana or Brittany anything about how I'm feeling. It's like … for me … a natural thing to hide my emotions because of how my father and mother raised me. It's not that I don't want to tell you or Santana or Brit things … I just don't know how to sometimes. It's so hard for me … it is really very difficult for me to even so much as say the words 'I feel' without feeling an internal groan of disapproval. I just don't know how to express my feelings to other people even if I trust them explicitly. I just … don't know any other way Rachel." I couldn't say anymore than that because just then Santana and Brittany came back into the room, holding hands in such a cute way I couldn't help but smile.

"Okay so, Q, your mother said it was cool with her for Rachel to help you out around the house and so on and so forth. Berry, she said that she's grateful for the help and that if you want she can give you payment for your services and shtuff like that. And we're squared away now so I think me and Brit are going to split!" She giggled a high pitched, almost evil, laugh that made me wonder about her sanity yet again. Santana and sanity just don't mix well at all … or ever really. "Oh … I really crack myself up. Let's go Brit," the rest was a whisper inaudible to me and most likely Rachel as well … and I was sure that it was a good thing considering the fact that she was whispering.

And then there were two. "I think I'm okay now Rachel. Thank you for everything but I need to get some homework done now and make myself some dinner and you can go home now if you want to." I was just trying to get myself up when I winced in pain from putting pressure on my very black and blue bruised arm.

"Quinn … it seems like all you do is push me away when all I want to do is help you. I understand your position and upbringing but right now … you are making a choice and that choice is to push me away from you. You can decide differently Quinn … you can choose to let me in … you can choose to allow me to break down all of the walls to your fortress. I know that it is a frightening thing to allow someone within the walls you've created … but it can be for good … it can be beneficial. I know that just letting me in will be difficult for you so I won't ask that of you yet but I want to know that you will allow me in some day. I can't break down the walls just yet because you haven't even let me in yet … but I am willing to stay by your side and help you fight your natural reaction. I know that I cannot make you do anything, no one has that power over another, but I can help you." I heard her clearly … but at the same time I could feel my natural instinct to fight off the feelings that surfaced with it … that surfaced because of the strong feelings I have for her.

In this one moment I was given a chance … a choice to do things differently … to accept help without second guessing myself. I was being given the option to say yes to her and allow her to help me … but was I willing to let her in to do so? … I knew in my mind that the choice had already been made … I knew that I had already chosen … I knew in my mind that my heart had already made a decision and that was with Rachel. I had already chosen Rachel long before this conversation took place.

"I'll … try my best Rachel. You'll have to … be patient with me because like you said … it is my natural reaction and instinct to shut others out. I know … it will be hard … and that I will waver in this decision sometimes but … I will give it my best shot and … I will put as much effort as I can into this." My voice trembled with emotion but Rachel smiled anyway and she gave my hand an encouraging squeeze.

By the time it was nearly 5:30 my mother finally came home. All of my … well our homework was done and Rachel was trying to tolerate my non-vegan lifestyle as best she could. She was trying not to feel sick and guilty for cooking foods that were not vegan-friendly in the least and though I felt bad about it I couldn't help but smile at how adorable she looked in an apron with a petulant pout on her face. It was one of the most adorable sights I had ever seen and my smile kept growing the more adorable she became as she cooked on, pouting for all she was worth.

I was sitting in a dining room chair when I heard the garage door open. I gasped in surprise when my mother came rushing through the door more quickly than I had ever seen her. She looked like a mess with her bun askew with some hair sticking out in odd places, her disheveled button up vest, and her out of breath gasping. I had never seen my mother in this kind of state before so it was strange and so very foreign to me. It might have been because of what happened what seemed like so little time ago … my attempt at suicide. She had been much … softer and kinder … and caring that it seemed like she was the mother I loved so much so many years ago. It was the softer, nurturing side of her I saw more of when I was still growing up.

"M-mom?" She rushed up to me and held me to her gently, mindful of my bruised arms. "I … I'm okay mom." She was so different in this moment than any other … it was like she woke up from whatever fog she had been in for so many years. It was like she finally understood the meaning of seeing me in the hospital with so many ivies hooked up into me to keep me alive. The Intensive Care Unit didn't wake her up but now that she realized what it could have meant for me and that what Finn did was add on to the stress. I knew that from this moment on my mother would be different … I knew that she would be the mother she was from so many years ago. It made me feel better … at peace for a moment.

Dinner was a quiet affair. It wasn't a tense quiet to my surprise … it was a comfortable enveloping kind of quiet that I wasn't used to at all. It was usually just me at home so I would eat alone either in my room or downstairs and so it surprised me that my mother declined Rachel's offer to wash the dishes and offered to do it herself. If Sarah was visiting then she usually left the dishes for Chad to do. My mother may have changed her mind because of the fact that she was so grateful to Rachel for what she did and what she continued to do. She continued to look out for me and save me even though I pushed her away … because of something my mother couldn't understand.

"Quinn … is there any chance you and I can talk in private?" Rachel asked me in a soft voice so close to my ear I could feel her breath blowing across my skin with every breath she took. I nodded slightly in acknowledgement but said nothing in response to her.

"Mom I'm going upstairs with Rachel." She looked over in response and nodded her approval with a soft "okay" and went back to washing the dishes. It was strange for me to see such a quiet, almost forlorn, side of my mother because she was always speaking her mind and driving to work, buying groceries, and going to church. In a way it was an improvement from the life she had before with my father in the picture still. That life was staying in the house all day except for going out to church. Now she was much busier and she had so much more going for her because she didn't have anyone to restrain her from such a life … there was no one holding her back anymore. There wasn't nearly as much weight holding me down from what I wanted to do either now … just the fires of hell waiting for me because of my sins.

I shut the door to my room softly and sat on the edge of my bed waiting for Rachel to talk. She paced back and forth in front of me and I was starting to feel dizzy from watching her do so, so I interjected her pacing. "Rachel … will you please stop pacing? You're making dizzy and nervous about this … erm 'talk' you wanted to have with me. I mean here I am and there you are pacing … in complete silence." I didn't want to rush her but her frantic pacing was making me feel so nauseous with worry and dizziness.

"Oh … right, my apologies Quinn. I didn't mean to start pacing … I was just thinking how best to broach this subject. Well … I wrote this song and I was just wondering if maybe you can compose for me? I needed to … give myself some kind of closure with what happened with Finn. I know it only happened a few hours ago but … well after I had finished all of my assignments for today I just couldn't help but feel as if … perhaps I needed more than just a definite break up. I felt like I needed to write a 'goodbye' song as well to signify it even more clearly … to express my feelings about how completely and utterly through our relationship is." She paused for a few moments before she continued on. "I need to let Finn know that it is over … that I said goodbye to our relationship the moment he cheated even though I didn't know it yet. … so … will you please help me?" Rachel sounded much more timid this time around whereas earlier she sounded determined and sincere in her expression of displeasure over Finn's disgusting, filthy paws dirtied by infidelity.

I nodded but not without letting something else be said. "I … well it will be much easier for me to compose it if you show me the lyrics first and then sing it with whatever feel you want the song to have. If you want it can be anything from a slow ballad to a more upbeat sounding break up song, just however you want it to play out … whatever you choose it to be. It's all up to you Rachel." And with that we got started on it.

Even though my arms were bruised and sore I could still play because piano involved hands more than arms to play. Yes I did have to move my arms but I wasn't feeling nearly as weak anymore and so not more than an hour later I figured out a feel for the song and there was now an accompaniment with the song Rachel wrote. She wanted me to stay after school with her for the next few days to practice the song with her in preparation for her performance by the end of the week or early next week, pending on her OCDness.

I truly was a masochist in the worst ways possible. I actually agreed to stay after school with one Rachel Berry … meaning entirely too well that I was torturing myself freely. I willingly accepted her offer to break my already broken and completely fragmented heart into tinier unfixable pieces of nothingness. Oh how my cruelties to my heart and mind seems so very unending.

I didn't realize what a fool I was until I was held in the palm of her hand again … love really does make people like me so very foolish and vulnerable. I took my heart out and placed it into her hand without any safety nets to save me … or any shields to guard and protect me.

Every day after school I would have to listen to her croon a song in her achingly beautiful voice about a boy I absolutely could not stand. Even if she was singing about how terrible he was … she was still giving him more attention than necessary … she was still choosing to give him attention period. Even though the song was reflective of how horrible he was as a boyfriend and a guy in general she was still giving him attention … she wasn't indifferent to him at all. She still felt something for him and that left me no hope.

In record time even for her Rachel was ready by Thursday and right after school it was time for everybody to go to Glee. I was already in the room playing a different song while I waited for the others to come into the choir room.

Lightless (Beast or B2ST I love them)

I am standing here just blankly looking at your back  
>From your words I really don't know what to do<p>

Watching you moving further away from me  
>My heart that is getting darker<br>In an instant I lost the light inside me

Even if I try to find you like this  
>Even if I try to think of you again like this<br>When I try to look at you just one more time  
>I can't do anything because I lost my light<p>

La, La, La, La Lightless La, La, La, La Lightless  
>La, La, La, La Lightless Lightless<p>

La, La, La Lightless

Before I knew it  
>the love light that you used<br>To shine me with has now faded out  
>If I had realized our farewell earlier<br>It would have been better  
>The large emptiness continues to scratch me<br>The painful scars remind me of you  
>Girl I need your love<br>Even if I say this a hundred times, it is just a soliloquy

If a day passes by

And another day starts  
>You, who used be my light<br>Is now gone and I'm still standing in the dark

If I try to hold on to you now  
>No matter how many times I tell you to come back to me<br>When I try to look at you one more time, just one more time  
>I can't see anything because I lost my light<p>

La, La, La, La Lightless  
>(Lightless)<br>La, La, La, La Lightless  
>(Lightless)<br>La, La, La, La Lightless  
>Lightless<p>

Hmm~ … yeah

"You really never cease to amaze me Quinn." I gasped in surprise at the sound of her voice. She seemed to have a sixth sense … just some kind of radar for when someone was singing about her … without realizing they were of course. I turned around slowly and saw her standing by the door to the choir room.

"I'm not sure how I do considering the fact that I'm nothing special like you are. I'm just Quinn Fabray and you're Rachel Barbara Berry … Broadway star in the making as we speak. You'll be someone special by grabbing the hearts of others with your talent when you make it to Broadway and I'll be … stuck somewhere nowhere near your caliber." As depressing as it sounded I was sure that much truth rang from it because I would never be something more than a spoiled rich girl in my eyes.

"Quinn … you really ought to take a look in the mirror and see what I see … I see someone stunning with so much potential. I see someone wonderful with a beautiful heart and soul and a gorgeous face to match too. I see you for who you are … not what you were or what you may be in the future … I see you in the present as an amazing, kind, intelligent, beautiful girl who doesn't see any of these things. I know that someday you will see what I see and I'll wait for that day, I'll wait for the day you see yourself in someone else's eyes." With that she walked to a seat at the end of a row so that the seat next to her could be filled easily. In fact she had been choosing to sit where I usually sat with Santana and Brittany … and it made me wonder about a few things … mostly Santana's diabolical mind. They had been saving me the seat next to Rachel ever since the Finnchel break up and Brittany's words from Monday came to mind. _I should just probably save myself from a headache and stop thinking about overly complex things._

I shook the thoughts from my head and when I looked over next low and behold who did I find? Santana and Brittany sitting next to each other holding hands and whispering … well Santana was the one doing most of the whispering and … Brittany was Brittany.

"Okay guys and gals! You're all in for a treat today! Rachel has written an original song for us all and she hopes to showcase it at Nationals if everyone is in agreement with it. I can't wait to hear what our new dream team have in store for us with Quinn's composition and Rachel's lyrics! We're all ready when you are." Leave it to Mr. Shue to drop all of the bombs all at once like that all while expecting us to duck and dodge bullets like dodge balls. Well our time was up so I made my way to the piano easily and Rachel was a step behind me to the center stage in the room and Mike stepped up as well.

"I hope you all enjoy this song I wrote and Quinn composed. This song wouldn't be what it is now if it hadn't been for Quinn kindly composing a magnificent composition for me. So without further ado here it is!" And so I played the introductory notes to the song before she joined in with me and Mike started dancing.

I'll Leave So You Can Live Better ( I love this song!)

I'll leave you alone so have a great life

Say it properly  
>Look at me, look into my eyes and say it<br>Why did you say goodbye?  
>Do you want to end it between us?<p>

(I know), you got a new girl  
>(I know), you got bored of me<br>Although the tears are filling up

I'll leave you alone so have a great life  
>That's all I can say<br>I'll forget about it so have a great life  
>Be happy even without me<br>The love you've thrown away,  
>Take it with you,<br>Take all of it away  
>Don't even bother to say sorry<br>Don't worry about me

Yo, sorry my sweetie (Mike's part)  
>Your lips that are supposed to leave my side<br>Looks resentful today for some reason  
>I have to hold you back, but words won't come out<br>And you're already drifting apart

(I know), you will forget all about me  
>(I know), I will end up hating you<br>Although I know everything

I'll leave you alone so have a great life  
>That's all I can say<br>I'll forget about it so have a great life  
>Be happy even without me<br>The love you've thrown away,  
>Take it with you,<br>Take all of it away  
>Don't even bother to say sorry,<br>Don't worry about me

(You) were my reason to live  
>(You) were everything I'd ever wanted<br>You~ it's me, who used to care about no one else but you

(Why), why are you leaving my side?  
>(Why), why are you throwing me away?<br>You were going to be like this anyways,  
>So why did you love me?<p>

Do you remember that day,  
>The day when we met for the first time?<br>I still remember it  
>Those words you promised<br>You said you would care for  
>And protect me and only me<br>You said that you didn't love anybody but me  
>I believed you,<br>I believed your lies

(Oh oh, oh, oh, oh)  
>(Oh oh, oh) Did you really love me?<br>(Oh oh, oh, oh, oh) No, no, no, no  
>(Oh oh, oh, oh, oh) I'll forget about it so have a great life~<p>

Mm~

I looked up just in time to see my favorite part: Mike looking down at the ground as he dropped his hand from his face slowly. The room was quiet for a few moments before applause could be heard. Mercedes, Tina, Kurt, and Brittany all looked sorrowful after such an emotionally charged performance for Rachel. She was heartbroken over what Finn did but she refused to cry over it anymore but I could tell that it was eating away at her. I could tell that she still wanted to cry despite any front, façade, or mask she put on. I could see it clearly in the way her brown orbs cried for her even though she wouldn't.

It hurt to see her like this but I could do nothing but offer what she had given me for so long; friendship, a shoulder to cry on, kindness and so much more. I tried my best to tell her in this moment of anguish and sadness. I gave her an encouraging smile and that seemed to be all she needed in that moment. It seemed like all I was doing these days was moving back and forth … running around in circles until I realized that the lines weren't made to trap me. They were just there to guide me to a prize I had never seen coming … maybe.

I apologize for the lateness in this update but as I was in the hospital for nine days I needed some time to recover and by some time … I mean nearly three months. It was a long and terrible wait for me as well because I already had over 3,000 words invested when this unfortunate hospital visit came up but now at last I have returned! I hope no one is too terribly mad at me for the wait. Please review even if you are mad?

姫宮光る


	11. Falling Somewhere

Chapter 11

Falling Somewhere

I keep falling … I keep falling further and further into my feelings of disgrace … feelings of love that aren't meant to be … aren't supposed to be. And I found myself falling somewhere again and again … into _her_ arms … even though I keep trying to stop myself from have that masochistic pleasure. It was wrong of me. It feels so wrong but … loving her feels so right. I am my own worst enemy because my world is full of warring feelings and sides. I want to stop myself from loving her and yet … I can't seem to … I just can't seem to fight these feelings that have bloomed and grown into blossoming flowers. I just can't seem to get her voice, her smile, her lips … her beautiful face … her wonderful personality … I can't seem to get any of it out of my mind. I knew that I had to though because all I kept doing was falling somewhere I shouldn't be again and again like there's no end.

I need some kind of hope that things will get better … that time really does heal wounds as the saying goes … but that has yet to happen. I'm still hurting, crying, bleeding love, pining for just one person to notice me … but it seems like all my love for her is going to waste. She won't ever love me back … not even if there was a world opposite this one, a paradox would she love me. This love was just destroying my hopes and dreams … but at least there wasn't a drain because of all of the Finchel action anymore.

Today, Tuesday, the new semester during school was starting and I was actually rather excited by the prospect of a slight change in schedule, breaking up the routine a bit. I walked up to my homeroom teacher's desk to get my new class schedule for the new semester and walked back to my seat to see which classes I was switching to. I knew that my AP English, Honor French, Honor History, AP Bio, and AP Algebra II classes weren't going to change since they were part of my core classes. I could never remember what classes I picked the year before until I saw them again and think to myself, 'well, duh!' and then fight the urge to face-palm myself.

_Let's see … hmm … first period's still Math with Rachel … second period has changed to Photography I. Third period changed to gym and study hall three out of the six days (a day schedule I had in my high school) and fourth was still AP English with … Rachel of course. Hmm I'm glad for all of the study halls since last year I only had two. Now what else is different … fifth is my Honor French class, sixth is AP Bio, nothing new there, and finally Honor History … with Rachel. Well I knew those three weren't going to change but still … one can only hope … and perhaps dream as well._

So with that the warning bell rang to signify that we all had to transition to our first period class and with that I stood up and walked to my first class. _Oh dear Lord … please give me strength today because, Lord, you know I need it. Oh, God, help me._ And with that I walked to my Algebra class with only slight trepidation and a whole lot of anxiety. The foreboding feeling never left me as I made it to my seat because who else but Rachel would choose to sit near 'Ice Queen Quinn Fabray'? Only Rachel would do that other Santana and Brittany because they were all scared of me and frightened by my fearsome, icy glare.

And her first order of business before even sitting down? Oh my I thought I'd never be asked: greet me of course! Greet me with a big, bright, adorable, beautiful, alluring, and sensually charged … I'm just getting ahead of myself with this one. "Good morning Quinn! How are you this morning," and _then_ she sits down nonchalantly beside me and I don't even have the heart to be grouchy, mean, or uncouth in any way in response to that.

"Good morning Rachel. I'm … doing okay, how about you?" came my much quieter and less than enthusiastic response, almost lethargic in a way. Then again I was a bit tired because of how restless my sleep was last night. It was less than pleasant to say the least and very tiring to toss and turn in sleep only to wake up very briefly to try and find a comfortable position before falling asleep again. I couldn't be bothered to be energetic or enthusiastic about anything today with how frustrating my sleep schedule had been lately. My Circadian Rhythm was off for some reason and I just could not figure out why it was or how to even correct it or shift it or anything.

"I'm doing well today … but you look … well I'm never one to mince words really so … you look very fatigued and just so very weary. Are you sure you're okay? Have you been sleeping well Quinn?" Her voice was so full of concern I had to wonder where her 'nice' genes came from and how it had not run empty yet because of how kind she truly was to everyone no matter how crude and vile they may be. It was definitely a good point in her personality but at the same time it was curious and intriguing to see that it never seemed to run out of … time? Charge? Batteries? Power? Change for a meter? I just wasn't sure what to call it but the meter didn't have a bad sound to it.

"I um … for the first part yes and the second is a no. I haven't been sleeping very much or very well lately because of the fact that I just can't seem to get comfortable anymore … it's like I just can't find any position that feels right to me. I lie down on my pillow and bed only to find that the blankets are too warm but without them I am too cold and then there's the fact that none of my sides feel comfortable nor my back or stomach. It's just a miserably exhausting routine and I end up sleeping very little." I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "So … I guess I am, to say the least, clearly exhausted Rachel." She looked at me worriedly as she had been so much recently and it made me feel a little better that she cared for me so.

"Quinn you should have someone check you out … your family doctor perhaps? I think that would be in your best interest Quinn because you do not seem well at all and not resting will definitely not help your situation at all. You need to rest because resting your body is the only way you will be able to heal when your body doesn't feel well Quinn. I know this is something you already know and I don't mean to be … well a nagging mother … or rather concerned friend but it is very worrisome. Do you know the reason for your inability to sleep lately?" I nodded my head but before I could say anything the bell rang and our teacher wrote our BW's (board work) on the chalkboard before giving us time to do it.

I was glad to see that she didn't push the subject even further despite the fact that she most assuredly wanted to. For that I was grateful to her because I could in her eyes and facial expression from just before the bell rang that she had wanted to say something so badly but she didn't. The rest of the class she paid attention but every once in a while she would give me furtive looks when possible. It had me thinking that maybe … just maybe there was more to it but … I didn't want to get my hopes up by thinking of such a wistful wish like that. But … there was always a chance of that … a maybe … a might be.

The moment I walked into my Photography class I noticed what appeared to be a rather young and new teacher standing outside of the classroom. She smiled and cocked her head slightly in a silent question; are you one of mine? And I gave a slight nod in response and her smile widened further as I walked passed her into the room. She was pretty with long black hair that reached the middle of her back, almost crimson eyes, and smooth looking pale skin. She looked to be just slightly taller than me from what I could tell from walking passed her into the classroom. There was a strange … connection I felt to her when I walked to the point I was next to her before taking another step into the room. She felt familiar for some reason but I couldn't place my finger on the reason for it and so I just ignored it and walked on to take a seat at the desk furthest to the back.

I played with my pencil while I waited for the late bell to ring and the rest of the class to show up. It seemed like it would be an exhaustingly long time before class would start because there was absolutely nothing to occupy my interest other than my pencil twirling. I was bored so often I was an extremely good pencil twirler with fancy tricks and all from some of my less than interesting classes at times.

When all of the students enrolled finally arrived and the bell rang she stepped in with flats, nice black dress pants, a beautiful turquoise top, with her hair in a loose ponytail. She went to her desk to grab a small stack of papers and started passing them out by rows as she spoke. "Okay, class, this is Photography I and I am your teacher Ms. Fabray." Now that caught my attention better than anything else ever had in any of the classes I'd ever had and I looked up to see that she had been looking right at me. I then looked around and saw that many of the other students looked in my direction with curiosity, raised brows and all, and surprised looks.

_Great now there's unnecessary attention on me … I would rather be up front singing in front of all of these stinking freshmen. Why, oh, why did I choose this class with freshmen allowance? I should have picked a sophomore exclusive or something else like that! Freshmen are so creepy with all of the staring and awkward transition to teenage years and oh the acne. I am so officially stupid! _

"I will guide you through all the different forms of photography and styles of other eras since its first creation. Now if you'll all take a look at your syllabus and list of rules and expectations as a student in my class …" and with that all of the attention actually left me, thank goodness! I couldn't endure anymore of the eerie, creepy staring routine all of the freshmen seemed to have established with the wonderful Queen Bee … me.

The rest of the period passed without any more incidents like the initial surprise over me sharing my last name with the teacher. That and the freshmen in the class weren't staring anymore like they had been at the beginning of the class. I wanted to ask her about why she had been looking at me so intently when she introduced herself as our teacher. I thought better of it and just gathered my things slowly as the rest rushed out to make it to their next class. I was hoping for her to initiate the conversation and so I stood up slowly when she did just as I had hoped.

"Quinn I would like a word with you if that is okay with you?" She said softly and I nodded my silent assent to her almost as quiet request. "Well, as you now know, I introduced myself as Ms. Fabray. My full name is Hollyanne Fabray and I'm your cousin Quinn. I don't think you would have remembered me since the last time we saw each other was when I was twelve and you were four. The reason we never met up again is because your dad, my uncle, didn't like … my father's chosen life style. Though Sarah might have remembered me a little bit she probably doesn't now because it's been so many years since we've all last seen each other. I really think it would be nice if we can meet up some time to catch up." She smiled and I felt like I could trust her and I wanted to ask her what she meant by 'chosen life style'. I had an idea but I didn't want to assume anything considering it could mean something else I didn't necessarily know.

"That sounds great but … I … um well what exactly do you mean by 'chosen life style'? I mean I don't want to assume if it means something entirely different than what I'm thinking." I said hesitantly.

She laughed before responding easily. "I'm pretty sure you know what it means but I'll say it out loud for your sake anyways Quinn. It means that he has a life partner and not a wife if you catch my drift." My eyes widened in surprise and I understood what she meant perfectly clearly. She laughed again. "That isn't a problem with you now is it Quinn? I don't think it would be but who knows?" I shook my head vigorously to indicate that it wasn't a problem with me at all. Just the very thought of Brittany and Santana how could I possibly feel or think otherwise? She smiled again and a small chuckle left her at my zealous and eager response to her inquiry. "That's good to know. Now run along to class Quinn. I'll write you a late pass to your next class. Where is it?"

And with that I was off to my gym class. Little did I know how cruel fate and free will was because of what happened next when I got to the girls locker room. I wasn't sure if it was just purely coincidental or if it was all in His plan to torture me like this but it certainly wasn't something I planned for myself. If anything I would have chosen a less painful torture than this one thing, than this one horribly wonderful thing.

I was walking into the girl's locker room when I saw her … she was sitting on one of the benches waiting for the teachers to finish explaining what the expectations and rules there were for gym classes. Everything that happened as I walked in seemed to be done in slow motion like in the movies when something was emphasized for the viewers to know that it was an important moment. Usually it was the love interest walking in looking amazing and walking like they were on a catwalk and they would usually shake their hair as if it were a hair commercial on TV if they were female.

It was definitely one of those slow motion moments when Rachel looked up, blinked, smiled and beckoned me over with one of her hands. She had a come hither look on her face as she waved me over to the empty space next to her and I felt as if I was going to ruin that moment by tripping over my own feet. My heart was pounding on my chest and my face, without my consent, formed a smile that made her smile widen and brighten even more. I wanted to bury my face in my hands because it was ridiculous for me to look this way around her … showing this kind of face for others to see. When I finally reached the seat next to her on the bench it felt like an eternity had passed in order for me to sit next to her in this moment of serene peace.

"Hi Quinn! I'm so glad to see that we have the same gym class because now I won't be so lonely and … well friendless. I'm usually isolated by the other people in gym class as was the case last year and last semester. Since we have the same gym class I won't have to be so alone anymore Quinn." She had her mega watt smile on and I felt blinded by her beauty and kindness. I wanted to lean in and whisper into her about how she would never be alone again if I had anything to do with it because I would always by her side … but those words seemed to be stuck tightly within my throat. It seemed like the words I always on the tip of my tongue never seemed to make it passed my mind or my throat. They were always lodged in between, unwilling to make it passed that point no matter how much I wanted to say them. I felt disappointment and regret fill me when I opened my mouth and only part of what I wanted to say managed to pass through.

"You'll never be alone again Rachel. You have Santana, Brittany, and me as well now and also the rest of Glee club and you know that now Rachel. We'll always be here for you because we know how wrong we were for doing all of those things to you, for forcing you to feel isolated and alone last year with our actions a-and I can never apologize to you enough to convey how sorry I am. I guess I'll spend the rest of my life trying though." I spoke softly and gently and I expressed my genuine feelings to her as best I could without saying too much, without revealing my secret feelings.

"For glee today I would like to give you all an assignment I think you will all enjoy very much! It's a partner project but this time it's a little bit different than the last duet assignment we had. I have the hat ready for you all already to pick out your partners for this assignment and the assignment is for you to pick a song that will express your feelings for your partner during this assignment. I don't want it to be something like a message of hate and annoyance. I want this to be a positive assignment that reinforces us as a group of people who work together and that we are a family with differences but we still come together." The message for this Glee Club meeting was particularly insightful and a bit surprising on Mr. Schue's part. "Okay let's get started guys! Oh and my name is also in the hat since we have an odd number." And with that said he started making his rounds for everyone to partner up.

In the end Mike and Puck, Tina and Kurt, Mercedes and Sam, Artie and Mr. Schue, Santana and Brittany, and, drum roll please; Rachel and I were all partnered up. All I wanted to do right now was yell 'OH PUCK (in place of f*ck)!' because now there was forced interaction between us and I had no idea what to make of it. Rachel, who was sitting right next to me, looked excited and happy about drawing my name out of the hat for her part. I smiled at her even though I wanted to bang my head against a wall in frustration. It was really starting to drain on me.

"Okay so the performances for this project is starting on Friday this week and then we'll have a group performance everyday next week. That's what our schedule will be for the rest of the week so every chance you have, please use it to prepare for your song performances. I look forward to seeing you all performing your songs and I will give the winner a gift certificate for … Breadstix! Have fun with it guys! You can go home now and start picking out songs for each other!" He said excitedly. As everyone got up to leave I was stagnant … I was still in the middle of processing it all because I knew that this had to be a cruel joke.

"Quinn, aren't you going to go home? Oh actually are free today? If so we can start getting ready for it together! You can come over to my house since I have a private studio in my house so we can get ready!" I nodded slowly just because I couldn't bring myself to lie about being busy to avoid her and anything that might happen at her house. "Oh we have a piano too if you want to use it to play the music Quinn! I'm so excited! Oh um, Quinn, can you uh, give me a ride home? My fathers are busy today and I overslept a bit this morning so … well I was planning on walking home but that would take ages now that we need to start working on our project."

"Yeah sure that's fine with me Rachel. Let's go then." I sounded much more confident than I truly felt. She gave me directions as I drove carefully to her house, trying my best to drive slowly so I wouldn't crash when making turns. It took about fifteen minutes for me to drive there because I was being so cautious with speed and everything else for Rachel's sake and the fact that I was such a young driver scared me. Crashing didn't make for a good first impression after all if I so happened to meet her two fathers while I was at her house. That was a chance I was not taking at all if I could avoid it.

When I arrived I saw a rather large house that wasn't quite the size of my family's mansion but it was quite large indeed. I knew that Rachel was in the higher up bracket but I had never imagined her being near this level of wealth. I knew she wasn't part of the middle class because her fathers were a lawyer and doctor respectively with just one child to look after and pay for. I parked in a large side garage and parking area and hurried to open Rachel's door for her as if I was her chauffer. "We have arrived Ms. Berry." I said in an apathetic, formal tone and she unlocked her seatbelt and giggled at me delightedly. I broke the act and laughed along with her. "Your house awaits Ms. Berry," and we both laughed even harder as we walked to the garage door together. She punched the code to open it and we walked into the extremely spacious five door garage.

"Well here is my humble abode Quinn! Welcome to the home of your charge Chauffer Fabray. No shoes are to be worn in the house Ms. Chauffer, so please remove them now and place them on the shoe rack if you please." I only smiled and shook my head at her. I figured that as long as I was just being friendly around her there was nothing wrong with interacting with her. "So if you want you can drop your stuff right here in my living room and we can either go to the studio downstairs or if you want we can go up to my room."

I wanted to see what Rachel's room looked like so I asked to go up to her room and I saw that there was a gold star on her door. When we made it into her room I looked around to see that she had a spacious full bed with many stuffed animals. Her closet was full of sweaters with animals and short skirts and I had to avert my gaze elsewhere so I would have 'safe thoughts'. She had an elliptical in her room as well as a nice stereo system, a shelf dedicated to Broadway musical classics and movies, a TV and DVD player, and even, to my surprise, a drawer full of clothes on top of her walk in closet. Her closet was already stuffed with skirts and animal sweaters so what more could she possibly need the drawer for? She had a desk with a pink laptop with a big gold star sticker stuck on the center of it and a nice and comfy looking computer chair to go with it too. I was amazed that she thought my house was large and amazing. She was rich too!

"So, uh, what is your opinion of my room? Awfully sparkly and full of pink and gold stars right? It's reminiscent of all of the MySpace videos I posted up from freshman year isn't it?" She sounded nervous and sad and I shook my head in response to it. She gasped in surprise in seeing me disagree to her self-deprecating words about her own room.

"Not at all Rachel. I think that your room suits you, it fits you … there's just something that says _"I'm Rachel Barbara Berry"_ all over it somehow. It just looks exactly like I would expect it to upon entering your room. This isn't filled with so much pink, animal sweaters, skirts, or sparkly gold stars … it's just filled with everything unique about you Rachel. There's just a feeling of 'this is Rachel Berry's room' to it and nothing more nothing less, there's just _you_ filling this room. That's all there is to it and you have no need to be ashamed or shy for having a room like this because this is your room and you make it yours by being you. You are unique and I like that Rachel." I would have said more but for the arms enveloping me tightly after I finished saying her name and she pressed her face into me happily.

"Thank you Quinn! Thank you so much. I have … never heard anyone say anything so kind to me before other than my fathers. It just … I'm not used to having such an amazing person like you for a friend. Well I'm not used to having friends who are truly friends other than Kurt, Mercedes, and Tina. They're the only ones who usually talk to me or say nice things to me out of all of the people in school or in the Glee Club with us. Thank you for being you Quinn. I love you Quinn." I was glad for the fact that she was nuzzling into my shoulder because then she couldn't see how red my face became nor could she hear how fast my heart was beating. We stayed like this for a few moments longer and that was enough for me to calm down significantly.

"I, um, you're welcome Rachel. I just … spoke my mind." She pulled away from me and shook her head. "It really was just that Rachel. I was only speaking my mind because your room is your space to decorate and your way of showing how unique you are. I believe in being true to yourself no matter what anyone says to you or about you for it and you have been doing that boldly by yourself for so long. I don't want to do that to you anymore because the only reason you did it alone for so long was because I forced any would be friends from you long ago. And now … I'm trying to right a wrong from so long ago. I'm trying to do the right thing for you and not just that … I've also realized that the person I have been torturing for so long isn't bad at all. I've come to realize that she's actually a pretty cool person that I was envious of … too jealous of to say otherwise. You're so talented and I just hated that you turned out to be such a wonderful person so I tried to stop you from being entirely too wonderful." I just didn't want to admit that I was in love for so long. I couldn't say those words but Rachel seemed to understand something that I didn't or rather I couldn't.

"Quinn. You are so beautiful inside and out and I wish I could show you somehow, someway so that you understand what I mean. I see you for who you are not what you did and not for how you behaved last year. I see the person who was hidden underneath the mask of fierce coldness and brokenness that was you for so long, that has been you for so long. Lately I've seen a remarkable change in you; you've become stronger and braver in so many ways, Quinn. You have become someone more than just a name. You're finally who you've always been and always wanted to be; you are Quinn Lucy Fabray and you are beautiful and strong. I love this side of you that you rarely show. You are so brave, kind, and so much more than a pretty face. You are the most beautiful girl I've ever met in my life but that's not all you are. You are a wonderful person underneath all of your fears and sorrow." She spoke with so much passion and fire burning in her eyes.

I nodded slowly, almost believing those words for what they were worth but I knew someday I had to stop dreaming of being better than I was. Those softly uttered words were kind and they made me feel a little bit better about myself but they certainly weren't a cure for my insanity and terrible ways. As much as I wanted to give in I didn't see any reason, any feasible reason, I should take her words to heart. She was just being kind Rachel and that was it.

"Let's go downstairs. I want to sing something for you Quinn." She took hold of my hand and walked me down to her basement. I looked around at the spacious room with quite magnificent studio equipment in it that left me breathless with envy and wonder. It was a curiosity how she got her fathers to do so much for her but then again she was going to be the only child they ever had. Surely they would treat her very well like this and want what was best for her always and forever.

"This is … simply amazing Rachel! It looks just like a real studio for recording artists to use for singing and … this is all in the basement of your home! Rachel Barbara Berry, you never cease to amaze me or take my breath away." I said softly, smiling at her gently, genuinely without holding back a single emotion in that smile.

"Why thank you Quinn. I'm glad you feel that way because I can say the same for you. You never cease to amaze me or take my breath away. You are so amazing with what your mind composes and lyrics seem to just come to you so naturally I have to admit I am a bit … envious of those amazing abilities of yours. Your songs, their emotions, and the flow of the words … they are all so breathtakingly beautiful and heartrendingly wonderful. They are all so achingly beautiful I think you should record them as songs for a demo CD so other people can experience your wonderfully creative mind. You are a true artist Quinn. I love that about you." The way she spoke, the way she was looking at me, it was all impossibly wonderful … but the main thing I was holding on to was the impossible part. She couldn't possibly be looking at me the way I wanted her to and I knew that it was just my mind trying to make it seem so. It was just a trick of the mind for sure and all in my head.

"So, um, are you going to sing me the song you wanted to?" I asked meekly, shyly, so painfully timidly. I hated that part of me but I was dealing with it as best I could.

"Why of course Quinn. Without further ado here it goes." She said softly before she cleared her throat and sang a song that captured me and caught me in a moment of bewilderment.

Crush (David Archuleta is so sweet!)

I hung up the phone tonight

Something happened for the first time

Deep inside it was a rush, what a rush

'Cause the possibility

That you would ever feel the same way

About me, just too much, just too much

Why do I keep running from the truth?

All I ever think about is you

You got me hypnotized, so mesmerized

And I just got to know

Do you ever think when you're all alone

All that we can be, where this thing can go?

Am I crazy falling in love?

Is it really just another crush?

Do you catch a breath when I look at you?

Are you holding back like the way I do?

'Cause I've tried and tried to walk away

But I know this crush ain't going away-ay-ay

Going away-ay-ay

Has it ever crossed your mind

When we're hanging, spending time girl?

Are we just friends? Is there more? Is there more?

See it's a chance we've gotta take

'Cause I believe that we can make this into

Something that will last, last forever, forever

Do you ever think when you're all alone

All that we can be, where this thing can go?

Am I crazy falling in love?

Is it really just another crush?

Do you catch a breath when I look at you?

Are you holding back like the way I do?

'Cause I've tried and tried to walk away

But I know this crush ain't going away-ay-ay

Going away-ay-ay

Why do I keep running from the truth?

All I ever think about is you

You got me hypnotized so mesmerized

And I just got to know

Do you ever think when you're all alone

All that we can be, where this thing can go?

Am I crazy falling in love?

Is it really just another crush?

Do you catch a breath when I look at you?

Are you holding back like the way I do?

'Cause I've tried and tried to walk away

But I know this crush ain't going away-ay-ay

Going away-ay-ay

Going away

Going away-ay-ay

Going away-ay-ay

She watched me intently for my reaction while she sang and as she sang the last note she took my hand in hers. I was spellbound, frozen in a moment I never wanted to end for any reason. I knew I had to be dreaming all of this because this would never happen to me in real life in an eternity. Rachel was painfully, regrettably heterosexual so this couldn't possibly be happening to me even in my wildest dreams. I knew it had to have been a wonderful dream I had fallen into at this point because it was impossible for her to possibly be in love or in crush with me. I used my other hand to pinch myself and I yelped.

"Ow!" Causing Rachel panic in response to me.

"Quinn, what on Earth are you doing to yourself you silly girl! Why would you ever pinch your cheek like that?" She asked me with great panic in her voice as she used her free hand to fuss over my lapse of judgment and grip on reality. She used her hand to gently pat at the spot and rub it. "It's so red," she murmured to herself softly. Then our eyes met and before I knew she had her eyes closed and she was leaning in closer and closer until … the softest lips met mine again like that drunken night. Only this time she was willingly kissing me and it wasn't part of a game, it was so real this time I forgot how to breathe.

I was falling somewhere …

So here's the latest chapter! I think many of you are thinking, "FINALLY! Faberry action, yay!" I hope this chapter is review worthy!^^

姫宮光るより


	12. Been So Long

Chapter 12

Been So Long

The next thing I knew I was in Rachel's arms because Rachel quite literally took my breath away and I was deliriously happy for it. I fell right into her arms because breathing wasn't a priority when Rachel Berry was kissing the oxygen out of my lungs. It was so improbably but it was happening and I still couldn't believe it actually happened, she actually kissed me! So many emotions were running through my mind but the one thing that struck me most was the feeling of absolute utter joy, happiness. I'd never felt such a wondrous emotion before and it was all right here in the arms of one Rachel Berry.

"Quinn? Quinn, are you all right? Quinn, please talk to me. Quinn?" She was panicked and I was left in a haze full of Rachel Berry and her soft, delicious luscious lips. When I was finally aware of my surroundings I stood up fully and stepped away from Rachel because as much as I was in love with her I had no idea why she just kissed me. Not just that but I responded due to the fact that I had always dreamed of this happening but … I never thought it was even a possible reality. It made no sense to me. This kiss seemed to come out of nowhere and it was confusing.

"Wha— why … I don't … I don't understand Rachel. I mean … you never … I mean … it's … I … you … I don't …" I was flustered. I couldn't get any words to string together to become a sentence with how flustered and absolutely flabbergasted I was with the current situation. It was just so confusing because she'd never indicated any deeper feelings other than friendship to me. She had never conveyed any kind of indicator to feelings of love or … even like further than the drawn line of friendship. I was trying to breathe properly with how out of breath and anxious I had become from everything that had happened since she kissed me just moments ago.

"I … Quinn … I … I'm so sorry! I don't know what I was thinking! I mean … I just … I didn't mean … I am so very, deeply sorry. I just … I didn't … it wasn't … my intent at all to do this to you Quinn. I …" she gave up trying to speak and she truly did look confused and just as caught unawares as I was about the whole situation. It was just so unexpected and sudden I had to figure out where it all had come from to begin with. I just didn't understand what it was at all or how it came to happen either.

"You're … sorry? I just … I'm just so confused over what just occurred between us, Rachel. I'm not sure what just happened and I … I just want to figure it out, figure this out I mean really. I … where … how did this happen? I thought … I thought you were still heartbroken over Finn and everything that brought about your disastrous, messy break up with him. I mean … it's only been a month so … you're still technically in rebound territory right now and I don't want that to be the driving factor for your impulsive state just now." It was a legitimate concern because where exactly had these feelings just suddenly come from especially since she'd just broken up with Finn. What if it was because she just got out of a relationship and nothing more? I couldn't risk that and find myself so broken again.

"I … uh … that is … I'm just … I was just … I don't know why I … did any of those things … it was just … I … I … it just felt right to do that … it felt good and … I'm sorry I did so. It was … impulsive for me to do that and … it was … it was wrong of me … and I am, sincerely sorry I did such a thing to you. I just … I've been feeling so vulnerable lately that I wasn't thinking things through entirely. I just … I can't tell you how sorry I am Quinn." She spoke out in a nervous, fretful rush and with each word I became more and more aware of the fact that she was flustered but I didn't know what it might mean. I didn't understand it.

Was it really just an honest mistake or had it been more than that? I wasn't really sure of what it was anymore because she seemed to be thinking quite clearly when she looked at me … and she didn't pull away suddenly as if it was an accident. Was there any chance … any possibility of it merely being true and genuine mixed in with confusion and impulse? I couldn't answer this question because only Rachel would know the answer to that question and I didn't want to hear the answer in case it wasn't. I didn't want to ask if the answer to the question was going to be no because it was just an impulsive action and she didn't mean anything by it at all.

I was breathing heavily but it was manageable and it hadn't come to the point that it would turn into an asthma attack just yet. "Rachel … I … I need to … I need to get home … so um I'll … I'll see you tomorrow." I stuttered out before I turned away from her only to feel her hand on my wrist and to hear her say to me in a desperate whisper full of unforgivable sadness and pleading.

"Please … don't go … please stay, Quinn. Please stay. We can … we can talk this out an-and make this okay between us can't we? Please, Quinn, I need to know that we'll … that we're still going to be friends despite how I … what I … did." She stopped and it looked as if she was physically pained by something and it also looked like there was something stuck in her throat. A hard lump formed in my throat at the painful look on her face and the sorrowful demeanor didn't do more than make it even more blatantly obvious. I couldn't breathe in that single moment with her. She was looking at me and I was hit with the full force of her emotions.

"Rachel … I …" I couldn't even respond because of how absolutely frozen I was in that moment looking at her remorseful countenance and it hurt. My chest tightened and throbbed in pain just seeing those kinds of emotions on her face and that kind of expression in her eyes. It festered, it grew to epic proportions and I couldn't stand looking at her with that kind of look and just … everything. I just couldn't do it and so I allowed myself to be dragged over to some nice couches in a different part of her wondrous overflowing basement of large proportions. The moment we were settled comfortably on the couch I said "okay … you can start now," softly in the silent moment with tension cutting through the air in a thick cloud. It was almost painful being in such a silence.

"It's … I mean … I'm not sure how to start this conversation with you but … I guess I should just start from the beginning of all of this." She paused to take a deep breath, to calm herself it seemed, before she started slowly and hesitantly. "It all started when I was visiting you in the hospital … or rather that was when I first noticed it. I would go there every day to see you and help you with math and our other classes together and the more time I spent around you the more my feelings kept growing. At first when it started happening I thought that it was just because I found myself just finding stronger feelings of platonic love and friendship in you but I was wrong. It wasn't merely feelings of friendship like I had originally thought but I couldn't tell what it was right then because I'd never felt this way before. I'd never felt so much for a single person of the same gender before so I couldn't figure it out at first bloom. It took a lot of time with you for me to realize that it was something so much more than just feelings of friendship." She said in a soft voice.

I sat in disbelief as I listened to her talk about something I just couldn't even imagine coming out of her mouth since I started acknowledge what I'd been feeling for so long. I just couldn't believe it at all even though I was sitting next to her in her basement talking about this very surreal subject. I was dumbfounded, stunned, astounded, discombobulated, flabbergasted, astonished, surprised, shocked, and all of those words times ten. It really was a huge surprising shock for me since I never even dreamed of this being a possibility let alone a reality where I was sitting in this moment. It was a new year for both of us but it was still such a strange thing for me to even consider.

"So … what happened was I became more and more comfortable around you … it felt so natural being with you that I couldn't see anything better than being with you. Nothing felt the same especially what happened when I came over to your house on that Sunday even though you were pushing me away. I couldn't understand that I could feel so much … for just one person … that I could love so much that I was sad and lonely without them around. I wasn't depressed or forlorn without you … it was more like something felt like it was missing … like there was a piece of me missing without you around. It was strange and I always found thoughts in my mind about how I wondered how you might be, if you were okay or not, if you might be lonely. I always wanted you around so I could be sure of it all. I just needed that reassurance from your presence. I needed something." She paused looking at me deeply with expressive, emotional eyes.

I was still processing everything, taking everything she said in slowly. I nodded to show here that I was still listening to every word she was saying I just couldn't respond back just yet with any words. I was still trying to take everything to heart and believe it all to be truth and not something she'd just said for whatever reason. I knew Rachel would never lie to me and Rachel most certainly wasn't the type of person to be dishonest about something and even if she was she was terrible at it. I had to keep reminding myself that this wasn't a dream, that this was all part of reality, real life.

"I … was feeling more and more toward you the more time I spent with you and when … when you … when I came home with you it was just so easy. It was like second nature to be that way with you, to be close to you like that and it made me feel … so complete to be with you. I felt like I didn't know what living was before … like I was finally breathing for the first time and before that I didn't know how. It was an amazing to feel like I could fly and that I was freer than I had ever been before in my life. I knew that I had never felt even a tenth of what I was feeling for you with Finn and then … I knew … I just knew that I wasn't meant to be with Finn. I wasn't made for him like I was for you. It was strange to me … feeling his too long arms and too large hands all of a sudden even though before I'd always loved how it seemed like our hands were made to fit each other. His too long arms always enveloped me too much but I thought I'd liked it … but now after everything with you … after holding you so much in the last three months I know better. I know that my small hands were made to fit in yours and that my small frame was made to fit into your arms alone because that's how well we fit together. I can see it all now … all that we can be to each other now. What I couldn't see before I can see now because it's all so clear to me that you are my destiny, my reality, we were meant to be Quinn." She steadily grew more and more confident in her words and in what she was feeling and I could hear the conviction in her voice as clearly as she was speaking to me.

I felt tears shining in my eyes as the emotions I was feeling then became so overwhelming because I knew that she couldn't be lying about any of this. This was what she was truly feeling … I knew that it had to be because she wouldn't have spent all of this time trying to convince me otherwise if it wasn't all true. She would have told me right from the start if her feelings had been any different, if it was truly a mistake from earlier. She really felt this and I could finally feel myself breathe properly knowing this to be something honest and sincere coming from her.

"It's so … strange and curious how well we meld together … how naturally we fit together like puzzle pieces … like a key fitting only one lock alone. It's like I'm whole now that I'm here with you Quinn. I feel like I'm complete now that I'm here with you and you are here with me … just please … tell me that you feel the same way too, that this isn't just me. I put myself out here completely for you and I just want to know that you feel the same way because … because if you don't … I completely understand. I … I won't ever bother you again if you don't feel the same way as I do." She sounded so achingly, painfully honest and sincere I knew I had to do something … anything to reassure her that my reciprocation was not a problem for her to consider at all.

I took a hold of her hand in my own gently, our hands that were made to fit each other perfectly like pieces of a puzzle. I took a deep shuddering breath the same moment she sucked in a harsh breath into her terrified looking face. I let my breath out slowly as I confessed what had been in my heart and in my mind for so long without letting her know any of it. I needed to tell her about my side of things too because it had been so long so I first kept this all inside the deepest recesses of my heart and soul. I couldn't hold it all in any longer because I felt like I was a balloon ready to burst open.

I started by calling her name softly to get her attention so that she was looking at me and not our gently clasped hands. "Rachel," I called softly, successfully getting her attention and diverting it to me and not our hands, intertwining our fingers easily. "I … I-I'm so happy because … because I've felt so much for you for so long and I just … I, I … I-I just didn't know how to tell you because I'd thought that you'd be disgusted. For so long I kept it all inside because I was scared to let you know what my true feelings for you were. I didn't want to ruin any chance of us being friends just in case you didn't feel the same way I did and so I didn't say anything like a coward. That and you were still with Finn and I didn't want to do anything to ruin what you had with him at the time because I didn't know about … that side of him at all. If I'd have known I would have done something so much sooner than I originally did because I wouldn't have wanted you to be with him any longer than you had to. I didn't know that he was such a disgusting pig at all and so I stupidly let you two go on for longer than you should have. He's such a jerk and I should have realized this sooner." I was finding it just the tiniest bit difficult to breathe because of all of my nerves about talking about this even though I knew how she felt now. It was still hard for me because despite knowing her feelings I was talking about so much more than just us.

She squeezed my hand encouragingly when I stopped to take a few deep breaths to calm my nerves down a little bit. I just needed to remind myself to breathe and that this wasn't a … well it wasn't a blind confession to her. That thought helped calm my heart and breathing down just a little but my heart was still beating faster than it should have been. I squeezed her hand back before I went on with what I was trying to say to her. I took another deep breath in before I breathed my words out softly.

"I'm in love with you Rachel. I've been in love with you for quite some time now Rachel and I just … I never thought that this," I gestured between us, "was a possibility between us let alone a current reality. I never that for a single moment in the last three months since my feelings first started that this was something that there was a chance for at all because all of this time I had thought … that you would never be interested in me. I mean it was just so improbable because all it ever seemed like to me was … that you would only ever be interested in and in love with Finn all of this time. It was not probable for you to like someone else let alone love me in my own mind." I spoke softly, emotionally.

She closed her eyes and leaned forward to rest her head against my shoulder and I dropped my head on top of hers gently in response. We just sat in a comfortable silence filled with the sound of our serene breathing and I just enjoyed the feel of her thumb rubbing against the back of my hand softly. It felt so relaxing and her touch was so gentle and soft I felt myself drift for a little bit. That last thing I was aware of was the feel of her shifting slightly and her lips pressing against my cheek for a few soft, enjoyable freeing moments. And then I was fast asleep in her comfortable, warm lap with soft, gentle strokes of her fingers combing through my hair.

When I woke up next I awoke to the feeling of soft fingers pressing gently against my temple in a loving gesture. I was on my side with my head in her lap and I could hear her humming a song I knew softly as I was just in the midst of waking up slowly. It sounded so familiar but I couldn't think of it for whatever reason but then she started singing the words softly and then I knew what it was I couldn't recall clearly.

Marry You

It's a beautiful night; we're looking for something dumb to do

Hey baby, I think I wanna marry you

Is it the look in your eyes or is it this dancing juice?

Who cares baby, I think I wanna marry you

Well, I know this little chapel on the boulevard

We can go, whoa, whoa

No one will know, whoa

Oh, come on, girl

Who cares if we're trashed?

Got a pocket full of cash

We can blow, whoa, whoa

Shots of Patron, whoa, whoa

And it's on, girl

Don't say no, no, no, no, no

Just say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

And we'll go, go, go, go, go

If you're ready like I'm ready

'Cause it's a beautiful night, we're looking for something dumb to do

Hey baby, I think I wanna marry you

Is it the look in your eyes or is it this dancing juice?

Who cares baby, I think I wanna marry you

Oh, I'll go get a ring

Let the choir bells sing like ooh, ooh, ooh

So what you wanna do ooh, ooh

Let's just run, girl

If we wake up and you want to break up

That's cool ooh, ooh

No, I won't blame you ooh, ooh

It was fun, girl

Don't say no, no, no, no, no

Just say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

And we'll go, go, go, go, go

If you're ready like I'm ready

It's a beautiful night; we're looking for something dumb to do

Hey baby, I think I wanna marry you

Is it the look in your eyes or is it this dancing juice?

Who cares baby, I think I wanna marry you

Just say I do, ooh, ooh, ooh

Tell me right now, baby

Tell me right now, baby, baby

Just say I do, ooh, ooh, ooh

Tell me right now, baby

Tell me right now, baby, baby

'Cause it's a beautiful night, we're looking for something dumb to do

Hey baby, I think I wanna marry you

Is it the look in your eyes or is it this dancing juice?

Who cares baby, I think I wanna marry you

She finished the song softly and I felt my cheeks warm slightly at hearing her sing the words 'marry you' over and over again to me. Her voice was beautiful like it always was, it was so perfect too and it made me feel so serene and peaceful I didn't want to move. I didn't want to open my eyes just so I could relish the feeling of her fingers combing through my hair softly for a few moments longer. I'd never been so relaxed before in my life because I'd never had any reason to let my guard down before. It was a good change, a nice change of pace from the usual days I had become so used to from years long passed.

I couldn't believe how much had changed in the last few hours of my life by just being with here with her in this beautiful moment. I couldn't have asked for more than this, for the chance to be with Rachel like this and so carefree even if it might be only for a few hours of blissful peace. It was still so strange for me to think that I didn't have as much stress on my shoulders any for just telling her all of the things I couldn't before. I hadn't told her everything yet but just telling the tiny bit I did made me feel so much better because it was so relieving to know that I had the chance to tell her _more_. I knew now that I could tell her not just this but _everything_ as well. It was all such a huge relief to know that I didn't have to feel like I had to hold so much back anymore. I could finally speak my mind without worrying about Rachel feeling disgusted by my feelings because she didn't feel the same way as me. It was such a relief I felt almost carefree.

I moved my head to snuggle further into her warm, comfortable lap and I could hear an adorable giggle coming from above me and I couldn't help but feel giddy over it. It was a happy and freeing moment for me to hear Rachel giggling happily over the fact that I wanted to cement the feeling of our contact as much as I could. It was so natural for us to be this way, to meld together seamlessly and so easily and naturally like we were born for the sole purpose of finding each other and falling in love like this. For me this was so much more than what I had thought was even slightly possible due to so many unknown factors in all of this … Rachel's feelings being number one on the list. It all turned out to just be my negative thoughts and not something to do with reality and what it was now even though it had only been for the last hour.

"That song was beautiful and I don't know if I've ever told you this but … the first thing I ever noticed about you was your voice. Your voice was so strong and beautiful and it shined with a powerful shimmer of strength and power like I had never heard before. It was so soothing and smooth and it was filled with so much more than just beauty; I could feel every emotion you were conveying with your voice. I could always hear the quake of sorrow when you were trying to convey it with your voice quivering softly and I could always feel the strength of your voice when you sang strongly and powerfully. I had never heard such a beautiful voice before or anything like your soothing and achingly strong voice in my entire life and I was hooked from that moment on. I fell then and I have never stopped falling since that one amazing, life changing moment. You've got me hanging and you haven't let me go since you captured my heart in that first moment I heard your angelic voice singing a soft song about loving someone so much." I was now looking up at her in a supine position so I could look right into her eyes as I spoke to her and I couldn't even force myself to look away despite my slight uneasiness. It was a beautiful, magical moment between us and neither of us could look away.

"I sang it because … well for a little while now … I've been thinking about what my future might entail and … it's a thought that has occurred to me before. I have been contemplating what future we might have together ever since I first thought of how much I love you … how much I truly care for you. This is something that has occurred to me before only while I was still dating Finn though because I always imagined him living with me and marrying me some time far into the future. I could never imagine any other kind of life in the future until just a few weeks ago when everything started happening. That was when I first saw something different in myself but I wasn't sure what it was that I kept seeing. I kept thinking about you in ways I had never before … more than just worrying about a friend and I realized that it was because I worried about you more than just that. Friends don't think about each other as much as I was thinking about you." She was looking at me like she just couldn't look away from me.

I couldn't look away either because the connection between our eyes was so strong, so powerful. I blinked my eyes and I saw that she had shifted just slightly closer to me. I looked away from her and bit at my bottom lip softly from seeing the desire in her eyes, in her stare. I could feel the desire to kiss her building up within my chest and I found it a little hard to breathe because of how strong I was fighting it. I felt her hand on my cheek and I looked at her again and she was leaning down closer to me and before I could even blink she was only a few centimeters away from me.

"Rachel …?" I whispered softly before our lips met again for another sweet, delicious kiss. It was a soft, innocent kiss filled with simple, gentle presses of even softer lips and I became lost in the kiss. I didn't need to breathe if it was going to disrupt this sweet connection of lips but Rachel thought otherwise as she pulled away slowly. We caught our breath only to decrease the distance quickly again to meet in another sweet, gentle connection of lips.

This time I pulled away to say something only to find her lips on mine again. "I wasn't ready for you to pull away yet Quinn," she said sheepishly when we both pulled away this time and I couldn't feel mad about it. "I just … it was too soon," she whispered and I giggled at how cute she was when she was being shy about something. I just leaned up to kiss her lips softly in response and she was soon kissing me back without protest and I smiled into our soft kiss. When we broke apart again she was smiling and I couldn't help the smirk that came across my lips, "I don't think I'll ever get tired of that." My smirk grew and she let out a happy, content sigh in response.

"I don't think I was ready to either to be honest. I don't think I'll ever get tired of kissing you either because … I never knew it could feel this wonderful. Oh, um … well … did you know about … what I mean to say is … er do you know that Santana and Brittany erm … well that they know about how I feel about you Rachel? I mean … it wasn't like I wanted to tell them all about it … they just sort of … well … figured it out when I was still in the hospital so it wasn't me saying anything on purp—" she stopped me. Just the simple press of her gentle finger on my lips and I was breathless and silent and all of my focus was on the single finger pressing against my lips. I was becoming too wound up and Rachel knew it.

"Quinn, you don't need to explain. Let's just put it this way," she said a little hesitantly and she was looking away too. "Santana and Brittany might have … done something before this whole confession. Well … it wasn't like they meant to … Santana was discussing certain … things in the locker room … and I might have overhead several things by accident since I'd come into the class later because of my prior class. They weren't exactly being quiet about what they were doing since they weren't expecting other people to come into the locker room." She was flushed by this point, it had me rather disturbed because ever since Santana and Brittany had made it clear what their relationship was I had overheard more than I could ever un-hear in my lifetime. It wasn't like I thought anything bad of them … I just wished I'd known to buy earmuffs or earplugs to silence the noises they would make at sleepovers when they thought I was asleep.

I had to say my piece though, "you don't mean to tell me what I think you're trying to say about them are you?" I paused, "they didn't … say anything to you about me then did they?" I asked slowly. When she didn't respond for a few seconds I knew that I had my answer.

So this is the next chapter. I'm sorry it took so long but I got a little lost with it this week so I'm taking a small break to map things out more so I don't get writer's block. That and it's a little un-encouraging to write all this time and not have very much feedback. It makes me feel like no one's all that interested in this story.

姫宮光る


	13. Falling Like A Domino

Chapter 13

Falling Like A Domino

I knew it had to have been an honest accident but why in the world would they explain further after the initial accidental slip up like that? They would never do that to me would they? They knew how important it was for me to win Rachel on my own because otherwise it wouldn't really be me she fell for would it? For me I wanted Rachel to like me for me … love me for me … want me because I showed her how much I love her and how much she means to me. Otherwise I didn't earn the affection or love from her in my own mind.

It was confusing … it was frustrating trying to figure out what it all meant and what it meant concerning me. Did they just think that since it was already out by accident that they should just say it all to her … tell her everything? It hurt and burned and seared in my chest, the pain that came from such a devastating, jarring thought. It made my chest constrict so painfully tight it made me feel as if I couldn't breathe, like I didn't know how to breathe properly anymore in this instance.

"Quinn? Quinn, it's not like that! I know what you're thinking but it's not what it sounds like at all! I … I didn't word it right at all Quinn." She put in hastily after seeing the look on my face. "They weren't trying to say everything but … it's just. I overhead them talking about how to help you _win_ me over not that … that they saw me and decided to tell me what they were talking about. I walked in and I remember hearing Brittany and Santana discussing how they could possibly help you win me over without either of us noticing."

Rachel's Memory (third person)

"… I don't know how I'm supposed to help her because she is so damn stubborn like the Fabray she is. I swear she's probably the type who would argue with other people about her will on her deathbed and insist upon things that aren't exactly the best financial decisions. Anyways … I was thinking … well I have been thinking about somehow getting them to be alone together … alone in that mansion of hers but I haven't thought of anything that will be a good way to do that. It's like … well … I know that Berry's got feelings of … friendly love for her at the very least but I can't tell if she … swings that way just a little bit. It might be that she does but I don't know for sure and I don't like to have unknown factors in an equation so I've gotta figure this out for Q. She's deserves to be happy … and only God knows why but … Berry is what makes her happy … she's the only one who can make her smile even when she's absolutely miserable. She's so in love with her it's ridiculous Brit." Brittany was nodding along to everything that was being said and she had a smile on her face as she looked at Santana.

"Yeah … she's the reason Quinn smiles and she is like me for you and you for me Santi. I'm my happiest when we're together and she's her happiest when she's with Rachel and they are being sweet to each other. I know that Rachel's already in love with Quinn but she just doesn't know it yet because she hasn't been around Quinn enough to know. They're both in love with each other like I am with you San. They just haven't really found each other yet because Quinn's stuck in reverse, convinced that Rachel won't ever feel the same, and Rachel isn't really moving forward yet … it's like a diagonal right now with her." Brittany said sounding serious and sure, confident that she was completely right about it all and for her part she was.

"Hey Brit," Santana started suddenly, her head snapping toward the door suddenly, "did you hear that? I think I heard something … or someone in the room with us. Q will be pissed if this gets out because I had to open my big mouth up." Santana said with worry in her voice over her best friends' anonymity as she looked around the room for the source of the soft sound. She didn't want that for Quinn … Quinn already felt the need to hide so accidentally revealing more than she should … that would be hell for her best friend. "I'd feel so terrible if someone did hear me … there's no mistaking what I said as a misunderstanding so I'd be royally screwed over Brit." She sighed, leaning into Brittany for some comfort.

"It's okay Santi. You only want what's best for Quinn. I know this. Quinn will understand because she loves us and knows that you would never do this to her on purpose, you would never try to hurt her and she knows that. You're just trying to help her the only way you know how San. She'll understand that you never meant for any of it to happen, you were just too excited to wait to tell me." Brittany said sweetly, leaning in for a chaste kiss which brought a smile on Santana's face and a slight flush to her tan skin. It was an endearing sight to behold for Santana rarely showed any emotion remotely like this. She was always cool, poker face Santana in front of others, those she did not trust enough to show this soft side of her.

Rachel had only just walked in during part of the conversation and what she did hear had her heart beating loudly in her chest. She hid herself behind a row of lockers to hide from the certain wrath she would have had to face from Santana and her cut throat personality. She held her breath as she heard them conversing so plainly and blatantly about Quinn and her hidden sexuality and … feelings for one Rachel Barbara Berry. She couldn't believe her ears and she let out a surprised gasp of air, a quick exhale she hadn't anticipated, and though it was soft Santana heard it. She heard the soft gasp and though she wanted to just pass it off as her imagination she knew that there was a possibility and she looked around with suspicion but saw nothing out of the ordinary.

Memory's End

Rachel was looking at me with sympathy in her eyes … and then she started morphing into something … coming out of focus and turning into nothingness. And then I bolted upright and I felt my breaths coming out of me in great quick puffs of air and eventually I couldn't breathe and I grabbed for the inhaler I kept in my bedside table. Was all of it a dream … or was some of it a memory … was it all a nightmare … a wistful dream I had until I awoke to this condition? I couldn't tell if any of it was reality at all or if some of it might have been true or if any of it was just part of a dream of what I wanted to happen. It was confusing and very painful to think about because I wanted it all to be something more than a dream.

I looked over to the neon green illuminating from my clock and saw 3:52 AM flashing back at me through the darkness of my room. It was hard to wake up from a dream like that and I couldn't believe that it was all a dream … at least that was what it seemed like to me from what I could remember. There was no other explanation for what I had seen … from what I had dreamt for the last few hours I had been asleep. It all felt so real … like a faraway reality that had occurred but seemed like so long ago … a memory fuzzy around the edges with an untraceable fog and mist covering it like grains of sand obscuring an image. I felt as if I was reaching out into nothingness from the wasteland my world and my heart had become, an empty dried out wasteland that I travelled through trying to find an oasis … a paradise in the desert I'd become.

It was painful to dream of things like this only to wake up and feel all the breath leave me because it was only that: a dream, a wistful dream. It was disheartening and terrible and it made me feel nauseous with anxiety and pain that only such a longing within me could only but that … a wish. _Dreams are only unfulfilled wishes manifested in sleep after all_. That thought was jarring because of how brutally true it was … in every way I could think of in my mind. I wanted nothing more than to just allow myself to cry because of how terribly that thought hurt me and made my chest ache with such longing and hopelessness.

I was falling, falling further and further into the wasteland my mind and heart had become ever since this great guilt settled in me over how I had treated Rachel in the past. How could I hurt her so much when I truly felt more than just attraction to her … when I cared about her more than anything else in the world? I was cruel, I was cold, I was spiteful, I was cunning, I was hurtful … I was just terrible to her in every way possible because I was too much of a coward to deal with my feelings. I was blind to the truth and my heart's pleas fell upon own my deaf ears because they were things I just didn't want to acknowledge for fear of what it meant. I didn't want to admit that I was falling further and further in love with her because of how horrible it was for anyone to be caught parading with a rainbow flag around in their hand. I didn't want to be courageous like Kurt, Brittany, or Santana … I was just being a coward by myself and I didn't know how to step forward with the truth yet.

I couldn't believe how absolutely in denial I was, so much so that I could only comfort my friends when I couldn't even come to terms with myself for who I was then and who I am now today. It made me feel so low, so absolutely down on myself for it, and I couldn't help the waves of hate just overcoming me so strongly it was showing plainly on my face. My self-hatred seemed never ending and eternal because as pretty as I looked … I couldn't help but feel so unpretty … so ugly inside because of my own mistakes. It was hideous how I had treated Rachel despite my true feelings for her hidden underneath my mask of cold indifference. I couldn't believe myself. I was horrible and terrible for everything I'd done to Rachel for a year … how could she endure it all and still be so kind and caring to the point that she was willing to be friends with me?

What made it all even more worse than anything else was the fact that I had hurt her so much and all she wanted to do was heal me … make me feel better about everything I couldn't even articulate. It was such a horrendous feeling I couldn't help but feel my chest ache with the pain of guilt and hatred toward myself for it all. I was selfish for trying to die … I was self-centered for only thinking of myself during my miserable attempt at suicide. I was so lost in myself that I couldn't even think of someone else first … I couldn't even think about the ones who cared about me when it mattered most. It was entirely selfish of me to do such a thing without thinking about how it would make others feel if I were in their shoes and they in mine.

If it was someone else … if it was Rachel, Santana, Brittany, Tina, Mike, Kurt, or even Puck … I wouldn't want any of them thinking about killing themselves. I knew that if I even had an inkling that anyone of them wanted to hurt their self … or even worse kill their self … I wouldn't want to let them do so. I would do anything and everything I could to make them feel better so they would never feel that way again. I would do anything for them just so they wouldn't ever feel that kind of pain ever again … so they would never think to hurt themselves like that ever again.

I looked at the clock again and sighed when I saw that only ten minutes had passed since I last looked at it when I woke up abruptly from my dream. It was such a long, draining dream full of surprises and … me falling asleep within a dream itself. That was the strangest part about it all. How could anything like that possibly happen to me anyways? I was falling for her like a domino and the chain reaction kept going on and knocking other dominos over … as I fell further and further in love with her in every way. And then inspiration hit me as I thought about all of these things … about my love for Rachel and how it made me feel and how it was taking over me in a way.

I realized that I wouldn't be able to fall back to sleep until I did something about all of the inspiration that just suddenly struck me. My mind was racing with all kinds of words that were slowly forming together into a song that described my feelings for Rachel perfectly. I knew I had to write it down now that the idea was stuck in my head.

By the time I looked back at the clock it was nearly time for me to get up for school but I could go back to sleep for another two hours or so if I wanted. I had a song written and music composed for it as well after about forty minutes of sitting in my lamplight to write the song and then I had to go to my sanctuary. I had never been gladder for the fact that my sanctuary was connected to my room as special as it was because of the fact that it was soundproof as well as hollow for the least amount of sound disturbance possible. I couldn't let this opportunity pass me by so I played and played until I found the perfect chords and notes to play together for this song I couldn't get out of my head.

The beautiful song just came together so seamlessly and by the time I was done I was proud of what I had come up with, what had come out from my abrupt awakening. It made me feel relaxed and at peace with myself after all that I had been through lately and the dream I had awoken from. That dream made me feel as if it truly was just all in my head … that she would never ever think to be with someone like me because I was nothing more than a friend … a straight friend for all she knew. I didn't know if I wanted to keep it that way or not because on the one hand … what Rachel didn't know wouldn't hurt her … but on another note … what if she found out some other way? She would be hurt at the thought that I felt as if I couldn't talk to her about this particular subject, about being a gay girl.

It was all too confusing to think about. I just wanted my brain to stop working for a little bit so I could fall asleep again and get just a little bit more rest before waking up to get ready for school and practice. I was exhausted and I wanted to rest even if it was just for a little while longer before I had to wake up for school and grueling Cheerios practice with Coach Sylvester. With that last thought in my mind I closed my mind and it went blissfully blank and I managed to sleep for just about another two hours.

After a grueling practice I found myself in my math class with Rachel and she smiled when I walked into the room and she pointed to the seat next to her with a hopeful smile. I sighed mentally, knowing that I couldn't say no even if I wanted to, and nodded my head with a small smile on the corner of my lips. Her smile brightened and widened at the acceptance to her invitation and as I walked by her to make it to my seat she greeted me brightly, "good morning Quinn! I'm so glad you decided to join me this fine Tuesday morning for math class." I couldn't help but find it so endearing and adorable.

"Good morning Rachel. You look happy this morning." I said slowly, curiously.

She ducked her head down and looked up at me with a shy smile before looking me directly in the eyes, "well … you're here so … I'm happy. I'm just glad that you're here sitting next to me … because … I was … having one of my moments of mini panic attack because you were slightly later than usual. I have those whenever you're not with me because it makes me nervous Quinn, so, so nervous and scared … I worry about you every moment you aren't with me Quinn. As long as … I can see you I'm okay … but when I can't … I feel as if I can't breathe until I'm with you again." She spoke shyly and hesitantly and I felt my breath catch in my throat with every word that came out of her mouth so timidly, so unlike her usual confidence. It was entirely too adorable to see her this flustered … and at the same time I couldn't help but feel hopeless because it was purely the concern of a friend.

I felt my heart beat just a little harder at the feelings she made me feel from just hearing her speak like this. I had never felt more in love with her than what I was feeling in the last few months … ever since our drunken kiss almost three months ago.

My tongue felt dry in my throat and my heart constricted in my chest at the thought that she was _still_ worried about me even though it had been well over a month since I was last in the hospital. "I … I am so, so sorry about that Rachel and I … I promise that I will never do anything like that ever again …" I would have said more but the bell rang then and our teacher was writing our problems on the board. I had to concentrate after that. It took a lot for me to say what I did and now I lost the nerve I'd had to say anymore … but I knew I could write it down.

As he asked for volunteers I wrote a note, having finished the problems with ease since Rachel helped keep me updated with math. I looked my words over before passing it to Rachel, who surprisingly hadn't volunteered for once. She looked at it and looked over at me in surprise at the message I had written down.

_What I wanted to say was that I would never hurt you or anyone else like that ever again … I thought about it the one day and … I would have been devastated if it were you in my shoes and I was you. I wouldn't want you to ever feel this badly and then try to take your life for it so … I will never do anything like that ever again. I promise you this and I promised Santana and Brittany already that I would never … try to take my life like that … ever again. I hurt you and everyone who cares about me so much and I will never hurt any of you like that ever again, this I promise you._

Her eyes had unshed tears shimmering in them and she was so emotional, her expressive eyes showed so much in them. I couldn't believe that I had hurt her so much, hurt everyone so much with just one selfish act. I would never wish this on anyone else in my life and so I would never do such a thing ever again and I knew that I would be able to keep this promise. It would be hard, I had no illusions about that, but I hoped that I had learned my lesson to never do anything like that or think to do something that drastic again.

I felt relief rush over me at having gotten this out of my system, from having said this out loud, in a way, finally. This was something I had wanted to talk to Rachel about ever since I saw how devastated she was over what I had attempted so many weeks ago. It was not an easy thing to talk about in every sense of the word but I had to try and I had to at least do something to show how serious I was about it. For me to even manage to say something by writing it down, that in and of itself was a big step for me.

She had plenty of space to write a response because I gave her a whole sheet of paper I took out of my notebook to write out this message clearly. We looked at each other for a few seconds more before we finally broke contact so she could write a response to what I had written. Her response was just as emotional for me and I couldn't help but feel a few tears streak down my face slowly. They escaped from the wall I put around myself … they were small, tiny, insignificant cracks almost, in my armor.

_Quinn … I almost don't know what to say in response to such a beautiful … wonderful promise like this. I just want to thank you so much because I thank God everyday for you being alive and well when I have time to. I just … if you hadn't survived … I don't know what I would have done … because I just can't imagine life without you here with me. I just can't think of a day without you in my life and that thought … the thought of living without you in my life … it scares me. I just can't even imagine that at all, I just can't see it because … I care about you so much Quinn … I love you so much. There hasn't been a day that has passed since I found you that day that I haven't thought of you and worried about you and what you might be feeling._

The tears just slipped out from the corner of my eyes unbidden and unexpectedly because my math teacher noticed and he looked at me worriedly. He came to stand by my desk and asked me if I was all right and I didn't know if I could even speak so I just nodded my head. He didn't look convinced but he didn't push for an answer and for that I was grateful. The rest of class went on without any other incident.

I stood in front of the Glee Club … nervous out of my mind … heart beating crazily fast and hard, thudding in my chest like a drum. I took a deep breath and Santana and Brittany came to stand on either side of me, both of them holding my hand with a comforting squeeze. I had told Brittany and Santana about it earlier on during practice and we had time to practice before first period and after homeroom during activity period. I took a few more deep breaths before I spoke.

"I … um … well I have a song I want to sing to everybody and … it has a message in it that will most likely be shocking to all of you. I … don't think I can say it any other way so … this is how I'm going to say it to all of you; through song. I'm going to sing a song I wrote to tell you something that has been weighing heavily on my mind for the past few months. It's not … it's not easy to do this at all so … I'm going to do this the only way I really know how to … so … um … here I go." I got off the stage. I could see the curious glances everyone was giving me. I looked up from the floor I had found so interesting and saw that Mercedes was giving me an encouraging smile and nod and Kurt was looking at me with worried eyes. Puck nodded his head toward me in a way that he was showing support but in a Noah Puckerman way. I couldn't look at the one person this song was directed at and so I sat down before I could find her in the crowd of Glee clubbers. I sat down on the piano bench slowly and took a deep breath before starting the intro slowly with Santana and Brittany on either side of me.

Domino (Brian Joo, his voice is amazing and this is my current song obsession)

Hey~ Uh no~

Nothing ever happens in this town  
>It's the same old thing when we go out<br>A new place to hang with the same crowd  
>I looked up when you came and sat down<p>

Brittany and Santana harmonized and sang with me here.

Now I'm here with you and I'm admiring the view  
>I hope you never (ever) never (ever) cut me loose<br>And I don't know what to do because

There was a slight pause in the singing while I played a few soft notes before …

I'm falling into something real and I can't stop me

I'm knocking over everything and you just caught me  
>From start to finish I promise I'm in this<br>Just wanna let you know, yo I'm falling like a domino

Brittany and Santana assisted me here as well.

(Falling, falling, falling) Just like a domino  
>(Falling, falling, falling) Just like a domino<br>From start to finish I promise I'm in this  
>Just wanna let you know, yo I'm falling like a domino<p>

I almost hesitated because of what I was about to reveal. This song, I knew, started off the way any other love song did … but this was the part that showed what it was I was trying to say to all of them.

Always said true love never happens  
>A little push caused this chain reaction<br>I never thought you'd be my distraction  
>I admit girl you got me crashing<p>

I held back a cringe from my face as Santana and Brittany joined me again for the chorus.

Now I'm here with you and I'm admiring the view  
>I hope you never (ever) never (ever) cut me loose<br>And I don't know what to do because 

I'm falling into something real and I can't stop me  
>I'm knocking over everything and you just caught me<br>From start to finish I promise I'm in this  
>Just wanna let you know, yo I'm falling like a domino<p>

(Falling, falling, falling) Just like a domino  
>(Falling, falling, falling) Just like a domino<br>From start to finish I promise I'm in this  
>Just wanna let you know, yo I'm falling like a domino<p>

Brittany and Santana joined me again for this part helping with various parts of this part of the song and it just sounded better than anything I had planned for it before adding them. I was so glad that I asked them to help me and that they were willing to help me.

When it all comes down you gon' have my back  
>When the last one falls baby we got that<br>You're saying … ooh, ooh ha, ha, oooh, oooh ha, ha  
>Keep saying ha, ha ooh, ooh ha, ha<br>When it all comes down you gon' have my back  
>When the last one falls baby we got that<br>Keep saying ooh, ooh, keep saying ooh, ooh  
>Keeping saying ooh, ooh, keep saying<br>I'm falling like a domino

I'm falling into something real and I can't stop me  
>I'm knocking over everything and you just caught me<br>From start to finish I promise I'm in this  
>Just wanna let you know, yo I'm falling like a domino<p>

(Falling, falling, falling) Just like a domino  
>(Falling, falling, falling) Just like a domino<br>From start to finish I promise I'm in this  
>Just wanna let you know, yo I'm falling like a domino<p>

I'm falling into something real and I can't stop me  
>I'm knocking over everything and you just caught me<br>From start to finish I promise I'm in this  
>Just wanna let you know, yo I'm falling like a domino<p>

We all slowed down at this point and with the last line we harmonized with each other and sang softly, emotionally.

(Falling, falling, falling) Just like a domino  
>(Falling, falling, falling) Just like a domino<br>From start to finish I promise I'm in this  
>Just wanna let you know, yo I'm falling like a domino<p>

And with that I last the last note drag on for a little bit before slowly taking my hands off of the keys. I had my eyes closed just taking a moment to savor the song I had written to say something I couldn't say with just words. I had tried my best to just let things go but I couldn't let it drag on like this and so … I said the words in the only way I knew how. And now it was time for me to face the crowd of friends, true friends, and see what their reaction to the song would be.

I knew the one line in particular would catch their attention if nothing else because I didn't stutter and I didn't shy away from it. I sang it with conviction and the message I wanted to convey was very clear in that particular line of the song. I said that I was in love with a girl and that this girl had me falling for her just like a domino and she had me crashing, falling further for her. I conveyed this message in song because I couldn't express, couldn't say it, any other way without faltering and possibly becoming inarticulate, unable to express it.

I stood from the stool and looked around the room to see pretty much the same thing across the board: surprise marking every pore on their faces. The initial surprise seemed to wear off after about a minute worth of gawking me while I watched them do so. For me I had known they would be surprised but I didn't realize that it would last so long with awkward silence to follow it up. I was hoping someone would eventually speak up but when no one did I was forced to say something for their sake as well as my own. It wasn't easy to break such a final silence but I managed to do so with some dignity and grace.

"I know that this has come as quite a shock but … I was hoping for a better … more positive response than this. I anticipated there being a hard silence to overcome but not like this. I thought that someone would at least speak up and say something about what I had to say … this message I couldn't convey any other way. I just … I didn't want to keep these feelings inside and so I thought … that you all deserve to know this about me because … I care about all of you so much." I couldn't continue because I was becoming too emotional.

I was thankfully interrupted by a voice I would welcome any day. "Quinn … I … I think I can speak for everybody when I say this … it's just so very unexpected and it's quite the shock for all of us. I don't think any of us were ready for this bomb to befall us just like that. I … well … did you mean to say … that you are telling us you are gay, that you are indeed lesbian?" I was glad for someone finally speaking up and more so that it was _her_ who spoke up out of everyone who could.

There were murmurs of agreement throughout the room and nods from faces still embodying shock with slightly open mouths and slack expressions. "Quinn, we really weren't expecting that at all. I mean … until this moment we all thought that you were straight as can be since you dated Finn and all. It just never occurred to us otherwise." Kurt said slowly in explanation.

"Yeah it was the same for me too. You just … you never let on that you were anything but straight so we just never would have guessed that in our wildest dreams Quinn." Tina said softly though surely, as quiet as her voice was.

"Girl, you know we still support you right? You're our girl all the way Quinn and ain't nothing gonna change that no matter what life throws our way." Mercedes paused for a moment, her face gravely serious, "when … whe-n" her voice cracked, "when Rachel said … I couldn't … we were all so scared." She took a moment to collect herself and wiped away the tears falling from her face slowly. "I wouldn't have you any other way than yourself Quinn and I'm pretty sure that we all feel the same way about you. We wouldn't want you to be anyone but who you are: you." She was so overcome with emotion I felt tears gathering in my eyes as well because what I almost gave up.

I was looking down at the ground and the next thing I knew there were a dozen arms wrapped around me and they were all filled with warmth that came from caring about me. As cheesy and corny as it sounded … it was the truth, it was real, and it was our reality. We had a kind of bond that no one could take away from us and no amount of tears and painstaking arguments could ruin it or break it. This was our world, this was our Glee, and we were going to protect it with everything we had no matter what it might take.

"You're part of our family and we wouldn't have you any other way no matter how broken or guarded Quinn. We are the Glee Club and we are just one big, happy family … for the most part usually." Sam put in with a slight muffle from being surrounded by so many bodies and possibly someone's body part.

"You know you're our girl even if you are a hot lesbian. I mean I wouldn't mind seeing some tongue … OW, Santana!" Leave it to Puckerman for sure. "I was going to say—"

"Don't even finish it Puck." Santana said in a serious, HBIC, tone. "Don't ruin the moment."

Needless to say Puck glowered but said no more.

"You have us all as your support no matter what Quinn. I just wish you knew this more often than you do." Rachel whispered softly but because of her close proximity to me I could hear her when no one else might have been able to. I just wish I knew her true feelings were but that wasn't about to happen any moment or day soon for that matter. But it didn't matter at all because I was still falling like a domino just for her.

So here's the long awaited chapter. My apologies for the late update but I was trying to find some inspiration and it finally happened and I've also been busy getting ready for a wedding. I truly do apologize for the wait. I will probably not update as often for a little while because I'm having difficulty in finding internet access right now for my laptop's wireless.

姫宮光る


	14. Touch

Chapter 14

Touch

Over the course of a little over two weeks, after the new semester started, I had been hanging out with my cousin more and more. She was pretty mellow and she had such an easy, carefree temperament I couldn't help but find it easier and easier to talk to her. I felt an undeniable connection and trust to her because of how easily and well we meshed as cousins. I felt like I was talking to a dear friend I'd known for years when I talked to my cousin as opposed to a distant cousin I barely knew two weeks prior. I was so comfortable with her I started calling her Holly or Hol for short instead of Hollyanne or Ms. Fabray. It was strange now to have her to myself as my cousin but then at the same time I had to refer to her as my teacher as well. It was a bit confusing at times and I found that I had to catch myself when it would happen from time to time now.

We would meet up at the Lima Bean every day after school and over the weekend we would meet up somewhere and hang out for a few hours, just talking. We grew closer and closer and I felt as if I could trust her with so many things … I decided that the next time we met up I would tell her about everything that had happened recently. I would tell her about Rachel … and the things that led up to my breakdown … my crazy meltdown at the end of November. It would be difficult, this I knew, but I was hoping that it might not be as bad this time around because I had had to explain myself before already. This was a family member I was comfortable with and so I was hoping that might actually help me a little bit.

As terrifying as the thought was I knew that it was something I could do, something I needed to do, and that it would give me some peace of mind. My cousin would never judge me because she wasn't the type of person who was judgmental towards others. She was the kind of person who listened to both sides before saying whatever she thought of the situation. In short she was pretty amazing and awesome.

I knew that telling her wouldn't make things any easier for me but at the very least I could breathe a little bit easier afterwards. Having her know would just help ease my burdens at least a little bit and I wouldn't have to feel as weighed down by so much. I told her about my asthma before and now it was just a matter of telling her about my breakdown and … the one I loved most in the world. I didn't know how I was going to bring it up to her … how to broach the subject but I would at least try my best to do so. It hurts to have too many secrets because of how burdensome they are and I was no different, felt no different about it.

Now it was Saturday and we were to meet up at the park so we could talk and walk together. I knew that it would be hard so I brought my inhaler with me. I felt like I was going out of my mind with all of the nervous building within my buzzing body. I asked to meet by our bench, one with an amazing view of the park's lake with majestic swans swimming throughout the beautiful lake. It was quite the sight to behold and it made me look on in awe every time I saw it and my breath would catch in my throat from looking at such magnificent beauty.

It truly was something I could look at every day and I would never get tired of it because it was something so beautiful. I looked at my cell phone and saw that it was five minutes before our scheduled time to meet which meant that she should be here any minute now. Our scheduled time was noon so we could walk around and talk and then go eat some lunch together and talk some more. Lunch was never a grandiose, forced affair between us and for that I was glad. I liked being able to relax and have a good time. I hoped today would be no different.

I sat on a bench and snuggled into my scarf and coat and looked on at the amazing majestic view I loved so much. My mind was so lost in thought that when I felt someone's hands covering my eyes and found my sight impaired I couldn't help the gasp that left me. I knew whose hands they were because of the feel I had gotten so used to but it confused me because why would _she_ be here?

"Guess who I am and you will be rewarded with a prize." She whispered softly so I wouldn't be able to recognize her voice but because I already knew it was her because of her touch it didn't confuse me. Her breath was warm against my cold cheek and ear.

"R-Rachel? What are you doing here?" I asked, bewildered. My heart was hammering away from feeling her so close to me. I could feel her every breath fan my neck so wonderfully but she probably didn't think anything of it. I felt my breath catch when she didn't move away as she whispered something else softly into my ear.

"I was just getting started on my jog in the park when I noticed you sitting here looking pretty on a bench all alone. I just thought I'd surprise you by sneaking up on you like this but it didn't work at all apparently because you're so intelligent. How did you come to the conclusion that it was me Quinn?" She was really testing my self control by staying so close to me to speak to me and whispering in my ear like this. It was starting to affect me more than I cared to think and let show on my face physically. When I was silent for too long she spoke my name in a whisper, "Quinn?" I shuddered.

"It's … your touch … I can tell because of your touch. Your hands are always so soft and gentle whenever you touch me or anyone else. You are always so tender and gentle in how you interact with others and how you interact with me especially ever since … that day. You are kind and gentle to others but you are especially kind and gentle with me in a way that you aren't with anyone else … not even Finn. I know this because I watch you … I notice you so easily … I see you." I spoke softly with a sureness that even I was surprised by. I wasn't sure exactly what point it was I was trying to make but I knew that I surprised her in every way in saying what I did.

"You … you really think so? I mean … I never even realized but now that you've said it … I think you're completely and absolutely right about it. I really do have a soft spot for you in my heart and … well I've had it for a while … it's the reason I've never given up on you despite everything." Did she even realize that everything, every word, she spoke was only making fall more and more in love with her, harder than I already was? She probably didn't realize this at all because why would she ever come to a conclusion like that in any realm of living and existing? Never, of course, would she realize this. She was far too heterosexual to ever think that her friend Quinn was in love with her because Quinn also appears heterosexual to all. Straight Rachel would never consider straight Quinn gay for any reason but Rachel would still be supportive anyways because of her fathers and … that was how she was raised.

"Well … why would I lie to you Rachel? I have nothing to lie about these days … I have my secrets but other than that … I don't have anything to hide from you. I was terrible to you during our freshman year because I … I couldn't handle seeing someone who was unashamed to be herself in front of others … but now I can admire that about you instead. There is so much about you that just … amazes me about you … I don't even know where to begin Rachel." I was being so completely open and honest with my feelings I was surprised myself. I'd never been this candid with anybody about my feelings before even between Brittany and Santana. It took a lot to coerce me into speaking about private things like my feelings and thoughts even when it came to my two best friends. It was something I just couldn't do so easily.

Rachel looked back at me with a mixture of surprise and a tenderness I had never seen on her face before. It was an endearing but slightly painful sight for me to see her like this. If she is my rock … then who's hers? I hoped that she knew that I was someone she felt she could confide in … but after the way I treated her in the past … who knows if she ever will be able to trust in me.

It seemed like only a minute passed by before anything happened and that was my cousin calling out to me from my right. I looked over and saw her jogging to the bench in a hurried manner most likely because she was about five minutes late. She came to a stop by the bench and took a few moments to catch her breath because of the distance she must have jogged to get to me. "Sorry … I'm late. I was … running late this morning because of … my roommate." She said breathlessly. She looked admittedly embarrassed and red for it. She must have lost track of time or something along those lines.

"No, it's okay. We were just talking anyways." I said with a smile. "This is my classmate and friend Rachel Berry. I don't think you've met yet. And Rachel this is my cousin Hollyanne Fabray. We first met about 12 years ago so I don't remember much of her from then but recently, since she moved here, we've been getting to know each other better. I'm so glad I have my cousin with me now." I spoke genuinely and happily about Holly because she was starting to become someone very precious and dear to me now that we were getting to know each other better.

"Oh wow. You two are cousins? You look nothing alike whatsoever, if you don't mind me saying." We shrugged back at her knowing it to be a fact. "I would never have guessed that the both of you are cousins because of how different you both look from each other. Then again most people don't think I look much like either of my parents because my dad, Leroy, is of African American decent and my daddy, Hiram, is very Jewish. I look like my biological mother according to my fathers." She spoke softly in explanation.

Curiosity struck me then. "Do you know what your mother looks like at all Rachel?" After a moment's pause I realized that I just asked a highly personal question. "You don't have to answer if you don't want to Rachel!" I added in a rush, worried I had offended or hurt her somehow with my question. There was panic running through my body at such a thought and it must have transferred onto my face as well because of what she said in response to my rushed words.

She was smiling as she spoke next. "You don't have to worry about hurting my feelings Quinn. I know it wasn't your intent to be nosy or to pry at all. I know you better than you realize Quinn. Curiosity is okay and it's just a part of you that shows every once in a while and you never need to worry about hurting me with a question." She paused for a moment, most likely allowing me the opportunity to digest her words before continuing. "I have seen a picture of her … but the picture itself doesn't show her face very clearly because she was looking down at me when I was first born. So … I can only see her face to a certain degree due to that unfortunately." She looked down at her pink wrist watch, star present as the middle piece, and let out a little gasp. "Oh! I think I've taken up enough of your time as it is because it is already 15 after." She said apologetically, guiltily.

My cousin and I shared a look and she spoke up before I could, "well we were actually planning on eating lunch after a little chat but if you'd like you can join us at this special restaurant with many choices for vegetarians and vegans. Quinn and I thought we'd like to change it up a bit and try something new and we both came across it one day when we were out shopping somewhere. I mean it's completely up to you whether you would like to join us or not, but it would be nice to have another person to accompany with us for a change." My cousin was such a smooth talker in every sense of the two words.

Rachel looked to be considering it when I spoke up. "Rachel … you said you were about to go on a jog when you saw me … I'm so sorry for interrupting your routine. I mean … what I'm trying to say is you don't have to feel forced to come along with us just because it was offered. This is all your choice and if you choose not to it won't offend or hurt us in any way at all. I just want to be sure that you are comfortable with saying no if you don't want to join us but if you choose to I just want to make sure you won't be in trouble with your fathers for being late in coming back from your routine jog because you were out eating lunch with us instead." I put in with all the sincerity I had within me. Of course I didn't want the person I was completely, utterly, and irrevocably in love with to get in trouble because of me.

Rachel looked at me with a soft smile that I hadn't ever seen on her face before, a soft smile almost as if … she loved me … but … not in a platonic way. It must have just been my wistful thinking because there was no way she could possibly be in love with me. Sure she loved me and told me so almost every day … but there was no way she was actually _in_ love with me. I knew it was impossible for her to ever feel that way about me. If she kept looking at me the way she was though, it might cause me too much confusion and anxiety for not knowing for sure. I wanted to know but I didn't dare ask.

She was thinking it over in her mind when a sudden thought crossed her mind and she had a 'eureka!' look on her face and let out a little gasp. "Quinn, might I borrow your phone since I was in a hurry to come here this morning and I forgot my cell phone in my room at home? I can call my daddy and ask him if he will be okay with me staying out later so we can all eat together." And with that everything was set and Holly went into her car while I piled into my own. Rachel chose to ride with me since she was familiar with me and though my cousin was kind I didn't blame Rachel for choosing my car since we'd known each other for a long time.

The car ride was far too short with her but enjoyable as we spoke about many things.

"So, Rachel, what do you think of my cousin? She is fast and easily becoming someone very important and dear to me. She is a dear friend I can trust and rely on … almost like you except … I trust you more than I trust anyone else other than Brittany and Santana. You have easily become someone very precious and close to me unlike anyone else I've ever met in my life." I wanted to add that she was the most important person to me in my life but I couldn't quite let that slip out because that would just be disastrous and devastatingly terrible for me.

Rachel was silent for a few moments, most likely thinking about her response to my question. "She seems like a very kind and lax person with an easy going kind of attitude and mentality. She makes you happy so I can see how she is becoming someone very important and dear to you Quinn. I'm glad that you two were able to meet again and actually get to know each other unlike the past when you were too young to really remember who she was then." Rachel seemed to really like my cousin as well and that was a big plus for me and she was winning against the rest of the world by a long shot in my eyes. The universe had nothing on Rachel Berry in my book.

We were all sitting at a table enjoying each other's company and laughing like there was no tomorrow. It seemed that we all had a good sense of humor and we could all take a joke very well and laugh about ourselves and just really enjoy being with each other. I hadn't felt so happy and whole in so long it was … strange, foreign to me now. I hadn't felt so happy in so long it was very … unfamiliar and a bit uncomfortable for me to feel this way but it felt … right but wrong at the same time somehow. It was such a strange and new feeling almost because of how rare it was for me to feel carefree enough to smile and laugh happily like this. This was something I was slowly seeing more and more in myself the more I was around Rachel and my cousin as well. Brittany and Santana were always my rock when it came to keeping me together and sane but lately I was looking to Rachel more often than not even though I kept Brittany and Santana in the loop.

"So this blonde girl asked this Asian girl about her eyes," she let a dramatic pause take hold before continuing on slowly, "she said 'so, like, how do you, like, see bigger things with your small eyes? Like, say there was a, like, big car … what would you, like, be able to see if the car is, like, huge?'" She was somehow keeping a straight face during this, deadpan amazing, "her response was 'oh yeah. My eyes are, like, so small I can, like, only see the big wheels of the car! I wouldn't, like, be able see the, like, top of the car!'" Rachel and I burst out laughing uncontrollably because of her amazing delivery and way of joke telling.

"No, she did _not!_" I said in disbelief. It was funny, really it was, but it was about such a stereotypical American thing to say to someone of Asian descent. I did like that the person of Asian persuasion took it in stride and laughed it off with a funny joke in response to the complete ignorance of the other person.

My cousin just nodded fervently in response and there was laughter spilling out of Rachel over my cousin's good humor and wit. We fell into a comfortable silence and continued eating while having fun chatting and telling other funny stories of good times and sometimes embarrassing but funny incidents we had befall us in the past. All in all we had a great time with each other and before long we were packing up leftovers and getting ready to pay. I had secretly asked the waitress to give me the bill when I came over to her, having excused myself beforehand to the 'ladies room', and I made sure to wait a few minutes before coming back afterwards. When the time came for the receipt my cousin found out what I had done and she was incredulous that I had been able to be that sneaky.

"Quinn! You did not just do that to me! I'm the legal adult here so I should have been the one to pay the bill for both of you seeing as you are both minors!" She looked sounded madder than she looked due to the slight upturn at the corner of her mouth and the happy crinkles at the corner eyes. "Thank you, Quinn. You paying for this meal only means that I will find some way to pay you back in a different way somehow." She had a mischievous smile on her face and a twinkle in her eyes I was starting to recognize more and more as a look of competitiveness in her. It was very slightly unnerving to see.

"Quinn, thank you so much for your generosity and I'm sure that your cousin is happy about it despite her protesting words. It is very kind of you to not only allow me to eat out with the both of you but for you to also pay for my meal? You're just amazing Quinn. You never cease to amaze me Quinn." Her voice was so gentle and sincere, her tone full of tenderness.

I just smiled and ducked my head down in embarrassment from the attention my cousin and Rachel were giving me. I didn't expect this kind of reaction from them … no it wasn't that I didn't expect it; it was more like I wasn't expecting them to react in such a positive way. It wasn't as if I was expecting them both to be furious or upset with me for paying for their meal but I wasn't exactly expecting them to be so at ease with it. They took it much better than I was expecting them too in every way imaginable.

"I'm sorry but I should get started on my jog now so that I don't come home too late and worry my two fathers too much. They are always worrying about me when I'm not around for them to see that I'm still breathing and in good health … but in a good way and not an overly protective, borderline obsessive, way. They just want to make sure that I'm okay and that I'm not hanging out with people with bad motives … the wrong kind of people. … He knows about what it's like to be me at school. Don't take this the wrong way Quinn … please, hear me out. My fathers are wary of you and what your intentions with me are because of our spotty past and they just wonder where this new side of you came from. They don't know you though and they most definitely don't know what I do, I've seen who you really are and when it comes to you I trust you indefinitely. I don't hold any of it against you because you're so much more than just a pretty face and the person you portrayed to others last year. I saw _you_ so I know who you really are and I know that you would never do something over pettiness. I don't know what the reasons for what you did were but I can promise you that I will listen to you and every word you say when you eventually explain it to me." She looked at her adorable wrist watch again in the cutest fashion before excusing herself to use the restroom.

The moment my cousin was left alone with me she pounced, almost quite literally, "why didn't you tell me you liked somebody? Seriously, you are like head over heels for that girl! It's completely adorable Quinn!" I felt my jaw drop open and I was just so shocked I was silent for a few seconds when she said something else, "well? Spill already Quinn! Tell me what's going on with you two! You need to keep me in the loop little cousin. I mean … I can tell that you're panicking about this a little bit," I was nearly hyperventilating at this point with how fast and shallow my breath had become, " … okay maybe a lot. You don't need to worry though. It's only obvious to me because we've come to know each other so much while strangers wouldn't even notice. Well actually I'm pretty sure that Rachel hasn't noticed even the tiniest bit because of how … nonchalant she is. If I might add it seems like she really cares about you … I can't tell if she feels even the slightest stirrings of like or love in her that you obviously have for her … to the extremely observant eye or the small percentage of people who know you well." She sighed, "what I'm trying to say is … well how do you plan to woo your girl?"

My moderate panic was decreased slightly due to how calm and relaxed she was about the subject matter I wasn't exactly comfortable with sharing. I, at least, didn't need to explain very much to her now that she had shown how much she had figured out without me having to say a single thing. It was very impressive for her to do so because I'd thought that only Brittany and Santana were able to do something like that, know me so well I couldn't hide anything from them at all. My cousin was amazing in so many ways and she just became cooler with every moment I spent with her and her coolness level was reaching such high levels of cool she was up close to where Rachel was. I couldn't believe that I had gotten so lucky with both my cousin and my two best friends. I wasn't sure about my luck with Rachel just yet but my luck hadn't been extremely terrible when it came to Rachel. We had a lot of moments but there weren't many moments I thought that there was something more to us than just friendship. There were certain moments when I thought to myself … _maybe, just maybe, there's something there_ but there was never a moment I thought to myself _there's definitely something going on between us_ and I could smile at the thought.

"Um … the thing is … I don't … I don't have any plans at all because … I don't think there could ever be anything between us. I don't think there's any way she could possibly be anything more than what we are right now; more than friends. She probably just sees me as a very good friend and nothing more than that but nothing less either … just … friends." I sighed deeply at the depressing thought. Holly looked back at me with disappointment.

"I think you should at least try to do something because I don't think it's as lost a cause as you think it is. I think that you have a chance because I can see something in her eyes, see something more than just platonic love in Rachel's eyes, in her gaze when it's on you. I know that there can be something more only if you try because if you don't … you'll never know if there could have been something more between you both." She looked at me with imploring eyes, with a look that made me feel as if there was maybe a small chance, even if it was just one percent, that there could be something more. "Please … think about it at least and tell me what you decide. You have my number and you know that you can call me or text me whenever you need me no matter what time of day it is." There was a kindness in her eyes that I was becoming more and more used to.

Holly looked like she wanted to say more but she never got a chance to because Rachel came back just then. She sat back down next to me and looked between the two of us, a look of confusion in her eyes. "What did I miss? You two look a bit … well tense. Is something wrong?" She looked between us again. She looked at me with worry most likely because of the remnant of emotions on my face from the talk I had with Holly. "Quinn?"

I had been avoiding her gaze at first, studying the table intently to avoid looking her directly in the eyes, but when she said my name I couldn't help my instinctual reflex. I looked up to meet her gaze and the concern I saw made my breath catch in my throat, I was lost, so very lost, in her gentle and tender gaze. She held so much emotion in eyes alone that I couldn't help but feel false hope build within me yet again. I hated myself so much for this weakness of mine, this terribly hopeful side of me wishing for more than I could possibly have. I needed to stop hoping because it was just a waste of time.

"It's nothing Rachel … Holly and I just had a conversation that was rather … difficult for me. There's nothing to worry about Rachel, I promise you there's nothing wrong. I know that this is very last minute but … do you think you can ask your fathers if I can come over to your house later? There's something I need to talk to you about." I must have looked very grave because she looked back at me with an even more tender gaze full of more worry than before.

It was just a moment before she answered me, "I'll … I'll see what I can do Quinn." I knew that the only reason she was remotely okay with not asking me any more right now was only because she knew I was going to explain myself later on. "I should get going now then. What time do you want me to tell my dad and daddy?" She asked me gently, quietly.

"Tell them … tell them I'll come around 4:30." I said, maintaining eye contact with her. Our eyes … locked like this it was … magical. I couldn't look away from her beautiful, warm, brown orbs. It was so hard for me to ever look away from her gorgeous face let alone look away from her beautiful brown eyes when our gaze was locked like this. There was … a kind of spark when things like this happened and there was definitely a present spark now. A loud and abrupt noise startled us both into looking away, "I … I think I'll be going now. It was nice having dinner with you both! I'll see you later Quinn and it was nice meeting you Hollyanne." And she was out the door like a whirlwind.

I missed the look on my cousin's face … she had a thoughtful look that I didn't manage to see because I was still watching Rachel walk away, back to the park.

I was nervous … no more than just nervous … I was anxious and uncertain as I stood before Rachel's residence. It was just like the dream I had only better because it was reality and even more beautiful than just a dream I had. All this time and Rachel was living in wealth that I had no idea she had so very much of because of how modestly she dressed and … though she had the confidence … it could stem from other places. I made fun of her for the way she dressed and for her cocky … well it only seemed cocky then because I wanted it to … but anyways her confidence. I always asked her if she bought her clothing from a thrift store because of my own problems when it came to attraction. I wanted her to look ugly to me just so I wouldn't have to feel the attraction so much but that … that didn't do anything but make me feel guilty and Rachel feel hurt and terrible. I never wanted to make her feel that way ever again … it would kill me if I ever hurt her so much like that intentionally ever again.

I didn't know what I was doing earlier … telling her something like that. I was mentally preparing myself to knock when the door opened of its own accord and I was face to face with someone I could only identify as a Mr. Berry. My hand was still in a fist in the air where the door had been, poised to knock, and my jaw had dropped open slightly due to the sudden disappearance of the door. He was a tall, handsome, black man with a muscular, athletic build and a kind, gentle looking face. He was looking at me with kindness.

"I heard your car a little while ago and I thought I should let you in since you were probably standing out here, lost perhaps in your nervousness?" He let out kindly. He seemed a very kindhearted and gentle person based off of what I saw and heard from him just now. It eased my nerves just a tiny bit. "I thought I'd help you out and let you in the house since it's still very cold outside since it is still winter. It's just the beginning of February so you shouldn't be left out here in the cold. Why don't you come in now … Quinn, I'm guessing?" I nodded slowly and took a single step inside of the house.

I was in awe of the inside as I stood shell shocked to the core. The last few rays of the sun were hitting a stained glass image of a waterfall and it was the most majestic sight I had ever seen within a house. The sight was just so beautiful, but what was even more beautiful was the sight of Rachel Barbara Berry standing in the midst of it, allowing the fractures of light hit her and envelop her in a magnificent glow of light. She was more gorgeous than I had ever seen her.

"Yes it is quite the view isn't it? Rachel just loves standing in the midst of it to enjoy how the light hits her and the many different glows and various colors splashing her into new life like a painting with each stroke of a brush. It really is quite elegant and tasteful, this stained glass feature my husband and I added to the house when Rachel was still in her mother's womb. We picked it out just for her. She is our oasis in this cruel, angry world full of hate and despair." They way he spoke … it was so beautifully poetic and I had never heard such beautiful language before in a person other than Rachel herself. I finally found out where Rachel learned her speech from and it was no wonder I loved listening to her voice as she spoke. This man taught his daughter how to speak beautifully and I was glad.

Just at that moment Rachel turned her head and her eyes immediately found mine and there was something going on between us. There was unspoken communication between us somehow and I just knew then that I was making the right decision … that I was doing the right thing for us. It was then I knew that there was more than just a possibility … there was more than just a chance for things … there was a probability that I had never accepted before. Rachel and I were definitely going to have an interesting talk that was for sure. I'd never been more nervous in my life but I hoped things would go well because I was so nervous my knees were shaking and almost gave out beneath me but I held on … I held on to real hope for her.

It was then I knew for sure that there could very well be an 'us', a relationship more than just friendship between the two of us.

This is the chapter that marks a moment that all stories need! A build rising action that leads to … dun, dun, dun … a CLIMAX! I hope everyone will be pumped for the next chapter now that I've left this one in cliff hanger … ish heaven. I hope someone will leave me reviews!

姫宮光る


	15. Drowning

Chapter 15

Drowning

I was nervous, scared out of my mind because of all the ways it could go wrong. There was a small chance … a single possibility that somehow it could go well … it could be the right thing to do because we would be happy and in love. It could be so much more than just friendship between us if only I had the courage to do this one thing, jump head first without a parachute in hand, a safety net to fall on to. I was doing this without anything but faith and hope guiding me. I took a deep breath as I looked at Rachel who had a smoldering look in her eyes that spoke volumes silently.

"Hi Rachel," I breathed out her name and my voice sounded different … it was a bit deeper than usual in a gruff kind of way almost but at the same time it was soft, gentle.

"Hello, Quinn," she said in response. The way her eyes looked spoke to me, the way her eyes looked now said _let's go upstairs to talk_ somehow without a single utterance. When she blinked it seemed like a fog lifted, a spell uncast, an enchantment broken as our eye contact broke for just a moment, a second suspended in time. It was like in that moment I could breathe again even though I was still breathing before that in order to live. It was as if she had a tight hold over my lungs and I couldn't breathe without her, live without her. I knew that I needed her more than the air I breathed, more than anything else in the world I needed her.

I gave her a nod to indicate that I understood her unspoken message and fell into step behind her as she walked up her staircase to her room. I looked about and saw many pictures of her during various stages of her life as I followed her to her bedroom. There were photos of her in diapers as she lay in a crib and other various places as she crawled around on the ground as an adorable little baby. There were pictures of her as a toddler and what must have been her first wobbly step as her father stood next to her, looking proud. Then there were some pictures of her playing in a park with her two fathers taking turns with camera duty throughout the pictures of her running around, swinging on swings, playing on various parts of a playhouse, and sliding down various slides.

Rachel had been a beautiful baby and an adorable child for sure. I wasn't expecting to see any of these sides of her, images of when she was a young girl herself. I couldn't understand myself anymore … I couldn't hold back these feelings that had been building up inside for so long anymore. I just needed to let it all out … I needed to release these feelings before they exploded and something drastic and completely terrible happened because of all of the hidden feelings, thoughts, and emotions within my heart and mind.

I saw a few more pictures of Rachel hanging up on various walls and I couldn't help but smile at an adorable and earnest looking Rachel in elementary school, smiling for the camera with her Rachel Berry megawatt smile. It was such an endearing sight to see a young Rachel, who couldn't be more than eight or nine years old, smiling so widely and happily into a camera. There was Rachel in her preteens, Rachel as a young teenager, and more recent pictures of Rachel in various school photos and a half asleep Rachel with a father holding a cake and another father with half his face in the picture taking the photo with an extended arm. Rachel in a sleepy state was just so very endearing and adorable I let out a soft utterance of "awe," and there was a gentle smile on my face.

I wasn't paying attention to where I was walking anymore because of my best distraction; Rachel Barbara Berry. I walked right into her and she must have stopped and turned around while I was distracted because I didn't bump into her back. I felt my lips brush against her temple and a gasp escaped both of our lips at the unexpected contact. My breath caught in my throat when she didn't move away. Instead moved closer to me and she held me in a gentle hold in between her soft, warm arms.

"Are you okay," she whispered softly into my ear, her chin resting on my shoulder tenderly. I nodded slowly in response and tried to remember how to breathe. I took a deep, shuddering breath before releasing it slowly. I could smell the shampoo from her hair and it smelled deliciously, wonderfully like Sakura (桜) to me. "Let's go to my room, Quinn," she spoke softly and I nodded eagerly when she tugged on my hand and I followed her like a lost lamb following her shepherd back home.

Once we were inside of her room she let stopped and looked at me with expectant eyes but never once let go of my hand as she asked me a question. "So, what did you want to talk to me about Quinn? It seemed urgent the way you looked so serious and nervous when you asked me earlier today." She was acting as if what had just happened never happened. I didn't know if it was because it wasn't a big deal for her or if it was just her way of telling me it didn't really affect her the same way it affected me even though we were both surprised and lost in that moment and each other together.

I took a single step away from her and took a moment to look around her room, taking the details in carefully. It was almost as if I was trying to memorize everything just in case it was the last time I would ever be allowed to step foot into her room. Once I looked over every detail I could see in her room I looked back to her and gently tugged my hand out from hers and a look of disappointment flashed in her beautiful, expressive, warm brown eyes. I could only smile apologetically her way in response to her disappointment.

"Rachel," I started and she looked me right in the eyes, "I've … I've wanted to talk to you about something for a very long time … I just … I get so … insecure and tongue tied around you sometimes. I get so nervous that the words I want to say just don't seem to come out right and then I lose my nerve and then I … I run away. I … I've decided that I won't run away anymore … I won't run away from what it is I've been feeling for so long. I need to … I need to let you know what I've been trying to say, what I've been trying to tell you is that … I can't … I just can't be friends with you anymore … if you don't feel the same way I do … then I won't ever bother you again." Rachel looked startled and panicked as I spoke, her eyes wide with shock. Her eyes then took on a look of hurt and I couldn't feel more terrible for making her think I was saying that I didn't care about her at all.

"Wha-what are you saying Quinn? I—I thought … I had thought that we … we got passed that … and that … that we … we were friends now Quinn … I thought," she didn't continue and it broke me, broke my heart to see that kind of emotion on her face, that kind of hurt … hurt that I promised to never make her feel ever again. I rushed to speak, rushed to tell her something different.

"It's not what you're thinking Rachel! I-I … I didn't mean for it to sound as if I don't care about you at all … I just … I … it," I was losing control of my breathing now. I felt my breath coming in long, labored breaths and it was getting harder and harder for me to breathe … I needed to find my inhaler … but I left it in my car.

"Quinn? Quinn! Where is it? Oh my goodness! Where is your inhaler?" Rachel was completely panicked and alarmed now that I wasn't breathing properly.

"C-c … car," I wheezed with much difficulty. Rachel held me as I became weaker and weaker from the need for air.

"Is your car locked?" I shook my head. "Where is your inhaler Quinn?"

"G-g-glove … com-compart … ment," I was struggling even more now, barely breathing at this point.

"Dad! Daddy! I need your assistance! Please go to Quinn's car and retrieve her inhaler from her glove compartment! Hurry, please! It's an emergency!" Loud thumps could be heard as her father ran from where he was to outside of the house to grab my inhaler. My breathing was coming in very painful wheezes that were slowly decreasing as it became more and more difficult for me to breathe. A moment later her father could be heard running up the stairs to her room at the end of the hallway and he burst into the room with a wild look in his eyes. He ran and kneeled down to where I was and gave Rachel the inhaler as I lay in her lap, breaths barely coming to me now. Rachel shook it before she put it to my lips delicately as she pumped medicine into my mouth and I took a deep, healing breath and once it came into my throat I felt myself able to breathe better but I needed more and she allowed me to take hold of it myself as I pumped more life saving medicine into my lungs. I finally pushed it away from me and took some deep breaths and felt my air passageways finally open up so I could breathe again.

I just lay in her lap for a while longer while I caught my breath and her father was looking at me with such concern and worry I couldn't help but feel like for him for everything he had just done for me. It was so kind of him to respond the way he had and it made me feel better about what I was trying to tell Rachel. When I'd finally caught my breath I spoke, "thank you Rachel, Mr. Berry. I really needed my inhaler. I didn't even think to take it in with me and for that I apologize. It was very thoughtless of me." I was looking right into Rachel's eyes as I spoke. They both looked at me with shocked eyes, as if they couldn't believe what they had just heard me say.

"Quinn! You … you have absolutely nothing to apologize for at all! I mean … what gave you the idea that my dad and I wanted an apology from for forgetting your inhaler? You … you could have died without it! I think I can speak for my dad as well when I say that we're glad that we made it in time because if he had not … if it had not been … for my dad … you would have … you would have …" she couldn't continue. It was too hard for her to say it and I could see that it wasn't something easy for her to talk about at all. It was so difficult and she was becoming so emotional I couldn't help but feel as if I wanted to apologize for that as well. I knew she wouldn't want an apology from me for something like that but I still felt as if it was something I should do anyways. "I almost lost you once and I wasn't about to lose you this time … you mean far too much to me for me to ever take you for granted in any way Quinn." Her voice was so soft, so tender and gentle I couldn't help but feel my heart beat just a little bit faster and harder in my all of a sudden too tight chest. I wanted to scream, to tell her how much I loved her because these emotions were overflowing throughout my chest to the rest of my body again. I felt so much for her and she didn't even know how much, not a single clue at all, how much I wanted to just hold her when she was sad, touch her when she was being her adorable self, and kiss her … everyday good morning and every night before I slept. I just wanted her so much, so badly, it was almost as if seeing her everyday wasn't enough anymore … I wanted more than just a "hello," or "good morning," … I wanted an "I love you" as well.

"I think I'll leave you two alone now so you can have your alone time to settle whatever it is you need to talk about. It was nice meeting you Quinn despite the panic attack you gave me. My name is Leroy Berry by the way." He gave me a kind smile before he stood up and left us in a still silence that was comfortable in spite of the events that had taken place within the past ten minutes of me being here.

She gently combed a hand through my hair and I closed my eyes and relaxed into her lap. There was a long period of silence as she continued to comb through my hair with gentle tenderness and I just continued to relax. Rachel was the first to break the silence when she spoke softly, "Quinn?" I just hummed in response, too relaxed to do much else in response. "What did you want to talk about before your attack?" She asked me just as softly as she had earlier.

"I'm not very good with … articulating my feelings so … I thought I should sing a song that expresses my feelings appropriately Rachel. It's not easy for me to say what I want to say because of how I grew up but … I can try by singing you a song that shows the feelings and words I can't say clearly better than anything I could think to say." I opened my eyes to see her looking down at me with understanding and slight worry. "Do you … um, well do you have a piano in your house by chance, Rachel?" She nodded and I immediately missed the warmth of her soft lap as I sat up slowly and stood up carefully and helped her stand up as well. She took my hand in hers and walked me out of her room to another room I'd noticed when I was walking to her room with her earlier. It looked like there were about ten bedrooms total in this house from what I could see.

She stopped in front of a door that had a golden star on it with the words 'The Berry Music Studio' in black ink showing clearly on the plaque. She led me into the room and turned on a light and I saw recording studio equipment throughout the room and all of it looked very expensive. It was like an actual recording studio the way it was set up with all of the equipment and instruments spread around the room like it was. There was a piano, a guitar, a violin, a drum set, a keyboard, and even a cello set up in an area of the room all ready to be used when needed. I was awestruck by the impressive set up of instruments and then there was studio equipment taking up about half of this already large room. There was a recording mic in a recording booth and an equalizer set up right next to it and it was all just so professional and amazing to see, Rachel Berry never had anything less than perfect after all.

She walked me to the piano and I sat down on the stool almost reverently as I looked upon a beautiful Hamamatsu Piano in black. It was gorgeous and I felt goosebumps trail up my arm as I let my fingers glide lightly over the keys before I played a few experimental notes to hear what kind of sound it had to it and I was not disappointed by the strong and beautiful sounds that came forth from this magnificently made piano. It had a pure quality to it that could only be heard in pianos that were well made for almost a year as opposed to the ones that were made within a few months. It truly was a beautiful piano. I then let the last notes I played resound into nothingness before I started playing the song I wanted Rachel to hear, to listen to, so she could understand what it was I had been feeling for her for so very long. I wanted her to listen to the words I couldn't speak yet for fear of so much more than just lost friendship, more than just a broken heart. I started singing before I could change my mind and before I lost my courage and my nerves took over.

Hello (Glee season 1 episode 14: Hell-o)

I've been alone with you inside my mind

And in my dreams I've kissed your lips

A thousand times

I sometimes see you pass outside my door

Hello

Is it me you're looking for?

I can see it in your eyes

I can see it in your smile

You're all I've ever wanted

And my arms are open wide

'Cause you know just what to say

And you know just what to do

And I want to tell you so much

I love you

Oh, yeah

I long to see the sunlight in your hair

And tell you time and time again

How much I care

Sometimes I feel my heart will overflow

Hello

I've just got to let you know

'Cause I wonder where you are

And I wonder what you do

Are you somewhere feeling lonely,

Or is someone loving you?

For I haven't got a clue

But let me start by saying

I love you

I closed my eyes as terror took over and I felt myself tremble with the fear of rejection and the heartache that would result from my heart breaking and shattering terribly from such an event taking place. It was a jarring thought, a terrifying fear that could potentially happen. I feared the possibility of it happening but I knew that I had to tell her somehow someday and today just happened to be the day I had the courage to actually say something, to do something that felt so unbelievably right even if it had all the makings to go wrong. It was worth it … Rachel was worth it in every way.

I sat in trepidation until I heard her voice. I turned to look her way and she had tears in her eyes and her face … she was so distraught I wondered where I went wrong in what I had chosen to do to express my unchanging feelings. She had never looked so hurt before, so broken and completely torn apart. "Is … is this your idea of a … of a joke Quinn? I don't think this is funny at all! Why would you do something so cruel to me Quinn? I never knew you to be this cruel. Yes, you've thrown slushies at me, called me rude names, confronted me over things that I had no control over … but to do something like this … I never thought you could be so low." She closed her eyes and brought a trembling finger up to point at the door. "Please … just leave … I … I can't … look at you right now." My breathing was becoming more and more labored as I felt another asthma attack come on more quickly than any I had ever experienced before. I felt myself clutch at my chest at the pain I was feeling there and I heard myself wheeze as I fell somewhere. I felt the ground underneath me as my breathing became even worse and I couldn't even tell if I was breathing anymore. I heard noises … I heard a frantic voice as my world became blurry and muffled. I felt something … it was like someone gripping me and moving me but I couldn't tell anymore because everything was becoming dark. Was I breathing still? I couldn't tell because I lost all sense of consciousness after some time had passed without me knowing it. My world became a dark emptiness.

When I next became conscious I felt lips on my own and air being rushed into my mouth and when the person's lips moved away I moved forward a little and a loud gasping breath came forth from me as I breathed again. I was wheezing on the ground now and I saw Rachel hovering above me but she was a blurry image I could barely see. She came into focus slowly and her once muffled voice became clear again after a few moments of initial discombobulating confusion. "Quinn, Quinn? Thank goodness. I have your inhaler here! Here, please breathe!" She put the inhaler to my lips and pressed once and allowed me to take a wheezing breath in before she pressed it again and allowed me to take another wheezing breath and I was breathing again albeit slowly and carefully. A few moments of silence passed between us where only my slow breathing could be heard and I could feel her hand gently holding my cheek. She brought her forehead down to press against mine gently and it had me wondering if there really was something more, if she might feel something more than friendship for me but I couldn't bring myself to ruin the moment we had over something that had hurt her so.

I opened my eyes and I saw that her eyes were closed but then suddenly, almost like she could feel my eyes on her, her eyes opened and I was caught, trapped in beautiful, warm, brown eyes shining with something I could finally understand, could finally see: love. It was definitely love shining in her eyes and without thinking about it I leaned up and felt her lips brush against my own and a whimper escaped her lips before she pulled away with a moan and it felt so magical. It felt so good to finally feel her lips on my own again but this time it wasn't just some drunken game … it was a real kiss this time because I wanted it to happen and she kissed me back which made it even better, so much better I was smiling when she pulled away. I couldn't read the look on her face so easily because it was as if she cut off all of the emotions on her face from me and even her gaze was hard for me to read but I could see the tiniest spark in her eyes that I knew so well by now: it was love, it was adoration, it was wonderful, it was … beautiful.

"Rachel," I breathed out, a quiet sound despite the silence we found enveloping the space between us. She hummed in response as she continued to maintain eye contact with me her gaze now smoldering and completely sexy. "I am so in love with you and I have been for so many months. I love you so much it would break me if you … if you never want to see me but I … I would understand if you don't feel the same way and you … you're uncomfortable with being around me because of it. I … I would like to date you but … I know that if you don't want to … I will still pray for your happiness and I will still wish you the best and well. I love you too much to wish you anything less." I whispered with a pained, strained voice. I couldn't be overconfident because I couldn't be sure that she even returned my feelings or felt anything for me more than just friendship despite what I could see in her eyes.

Rachel's face became emotional again, readable, and the emotion she was emoting was so very easy to read now and it brought a joy to me I hadn't felt in a very long time and I couldn't help the grin that took over and I leaned up again to kiss her lips softly. The feeling of her pressing her lips against mine just as much made it feel even better and made me even happier to be here with her in this moment of absolute bliss and peaceful serenity with it being just the two of us alone. I'd never felt so euphoric before and it was all because of the fact that my lips were pressing against Rachel's in a soft kiss, one that wasn't because of a drunken game of spin the bottle. I'd never been happier and I couldn't imagine feeling any happier than in this moment with her in blissful atmosphere. I leaned up to press another soft, chaste kiss to her plump, kissable lips. She kissed me back and it was amazing to know that she wasn't pulling away or running away from what she was feeling for me.

I was looking right into her eyes as I spoke again, "I love you." I spoke with a smile on my face. I could feel the smile hurt my cheek bones because I'd never smiled so hard or so much before in my life. I was grinning like I'd just been told that I won a million dollars and really what I'd just been given was so much better than that to me. A soft look came in her eyes as she looked back at me with adoration.

"I love you too Quinn." Her soft smile grew a little more as she looked at me. "I knew that something had changed within me during that party at my house all those months ago. It confused me Quinn … you confused me so much in that moment … when we kissed. I remember so well how I felt during our kiss … I felt a spark that I'd never felt before when Finn kissed me and I felt … complete like … like I had finally found the missing piece to a puzzled I'd been trying to solve my whole life. My entire life I'd always felt as if there was something missing, like there was something more that I was missing out on and when we first met I felt something then too but then … but then you looked away from me like you were disgusted and I was confused. I thought I'd just wanted to be your friend very badly and that there was just something about you that drew me to you … I'd never imagined that it was something like this because then I saw you with Finn several months later and I felt jealousy. I'd thought that my jealousy was over Finn being with you and not you being with Finn for the longest time and then … and then we got together over the summer and I felt better … I didn't feel nearly as jealous but … I could tell that something was still off, something was still missing somehow but I just didn't know what. I still liked Finn and I was happy with him but then somehow you came along again and we kissed and that just had me so discombobulated … so out of my element that I didn't know what to think at all especially since your behavior the year before indicated that you hated me very much. There was a spark, there were fireworks … there was so much in our simple kiss and then Puck spoke up and that just confirmed it for me but I refused to allow myself to fantasize about someone I would never be with, someone who would never conceivably want me back. And then you seemed to withdraw more and more within yourself … you continued to retreat into a shell and shy away, further and further away, from me, from everyone … from help and it seemed like you were never going to come back from it. And then … I was so devastated because not only were you retreating from everything and everyone … you tried to … take yourself where none of us could possibly follow you for many years to come if we could even follow you at all. I was so heartbroken and it was then I knew that I couldn't lose you again if you lived through it all. I couldn't allow you to isolate yourself again no matter what. A rift was forming between Finn and me and I knew it, I could feel it, but I couldn't bring myself to say or do anything to mend it because I was too absorbed in you and being with you to make sure you weren't lonely and you were getting help for all of your classes and I wanted to make sure that you were keeping up with all of your classes so you wouldn't be behind when you eventually came back to school. I just … I just wanted to help you and I just wanted what was best for you." She finally took a moment to catch her breath after a particularly long speech even for her.

"Wow," I whispered, unsure of what I wanted to say in response to it all. I was still digesting everything she had just said too because she said so much in such a small span of time and it was just a little too much for me to take in, in such a short amount of time considering all of the details she just told me about the last three months and a half. "That's a lot you're expecting me to take in Rachel … I don't even know where to even start or what to say in response right now. That really was a lot for me to take in Rachel. I just need a minute to digest it all Rachel." I was smiling still as I spoke and she smiled back a bit shyly, timidly.

"I know it's a lot to take in Quinn … you know me, once I have something on my mind I have to express it all with a long winded speech, a tangent. Take all of the time you need Quinn, I can wait just a few more moments before you respond because I know that I am quite loquacious sometimes … well maybe a good bit of the time … but I hope that doesn't bother you Quinn … I really like you … well I really love you so it would be very dishearten— mm," I cut her off with a soft press of my lips because I knew exactly where she was going with what she was saying. We kissed until we couldn't breathe and then we had to pull apart very reluctantly.

"Rachel, I love you and there are no ifs, ands, or buts about it. I love you and that's all I'm concerned with … I love everything about you … I love how you express your feelings in long tangents, I love how you become shy and embarrassed when you think you've said too much, I love the way your nose crinkles when you laugh or smile, I love the way your eyes are so open and they express how you feel no matter how hard you try to hide it sometimes … I just love you. I see you Rachel and I know that when you become timid you tend to play with your fingers or if you're sitting down you smooth your dress or skirt about a hundred times. I know that when you're happy sometimes you're afraid to show it because you don't want to be disappointed by being too happy when someone else in the room might become annoyed with you for it and you tone down your happiness but your eyes show it all. I know that you don't think you're beautiful even though I think everything about you is beautiful and that you are beautiful in every way and in every sense of the word. I know that you love being in the sun and sometimes you go outside to eat lunch when it's a really nice day … I see you for who you are no matter what you try to hide … I see you so clearly as if you are the only person in the room even when we're in the crowds at school. I can always spot you first in a room no matter how many people are in it and I always see you first because I … I just see you even if everyone in that crowd is taller than you." I teased her with that last part because I thought her being so short was adorable too.

Rachel sat up at that and looked down at me with the most adorable pout. "Quinn~! I'm not that short … and besides I beg to differ, I'm vertically challenged … not short. Short is derogatory Quinn and I will not accept anything derogatory coming out of you missy!" She said back and I couldn't help the bubbling laughter that poured forth from my mouth. I couldn't help all of the joy I was feeling from just knowing that Rachel felt the same way about me and the fact that we were joking around right now … it was a blissful miracle. I had never felt so happy before … I could honestly say that today with Rachel, despite the setbacks and speed bumps, was by far the happiest day of my life for sure. "Quinn! I'm not short! I am a vertically challenged person!" Despite her tone of voice I could see the joy reflected in her eyes and it just made me grin even wider if that was even possible.

Once I'd gotten myself under control I finally managed to say something that just seemed to make Rachel glow even brighter. "I love you Rachel Barbara Berry." The look on her face was so worth the cost of the six words. I truly was in happy, blissful, achingly wonderful love with her and she seemed to have mutual feelings for me and today … I knew I would always remember today as the day we confessed our loves … I was drowning in my feelings for her and I was drowning in the happiness that came from being in love with her. I was drowning in happiness.

"Quinn Lucy Fabray … I love you too. I love you so much that even if the world were ending tomorrow … I would still be happy that I received just this one blissful day being with you. I've had many happy memories … but I've never had a day like this before … a day just being with person I love and being able to hold them and kiss them like this … I've never been in love like this before … I don't think I've ever been in love before until you Quinn … I love you so much I can't imagine being without you. Promise me that you will be with me and never try to harm yourself ever again Quinn. I can't stand to see you sad or upset but worse than all of that … seeing you hurting and alone or hurting yourself because you thinking it's better for you loved ones. It hurts me so much when I see you hurting and you think no one can help you. It feels like someone just took my beating heart out of my chest and then squeezed it just for the fun of it and then I … I just can't catch my breath and it … it's just so painful." She held my face tenderly in her hands, "please, please promise me this one thing Quinn … just this one thing. I will never ask for anything more from you more than this one thing." She looked into my eyes with such an imploring gaze I simply could not refuse.

"I promise," and no sooner had I said it she was kissing me tenderly. I was drowning in the feel of her lips gently pressing against my own in a dance I would never tire of. The way she was kissing me now left me so breathless and full, so full, of her and the feeling of her lips pressing so tenderly, so lovingly like a lullaby that had me so relaxed and comfortable. I brought a hand up to hold the hand cupping my cheek and just allowed myself to continue drowning in her and the wonderful feel of her lips pressing so softly against mine in a way that I would never get tired of and I knew that I had found a new addiction in the form of plump, delicious lips … Rachel Berry's lips.

So here's chapter 15 for everyone. Sorry it took a little longer than planned but at the very least I updated within a reasonable amount of time, I think, and there is legitimate Faberry action this time around and I promise it wasn't a dream!^^ Please leave your thoughts in a review to tell me what you're thinking! It keeps me motivated and makes me smile and happy-like.^^

姫宮光る


	16. Breathless

Chapter 16

Breathless

It was the day after and I had no idea what I wanted to do, how to act, or what to say because we'd only kissed, a lot, yesterday and I never asked her if we were dating or not or anything else along those lines and so … I felt so unsure about what to label us. Labels didn't mean everything but it was a nice way for me to know what to call us and it was a nice way to know for sure what we were and it made me feel like there was something and it just … it would just be nice if I could call Rachel my girlfriend … my hot girlfriend at that. Yesterday we kissed _a lot_ but I never asked for any clarification on what to call us … we just enjoyed each other, kissed a lot, and then … and then I left to go home when it got to be late and that was that essentially.

Now it was Monday morning and I was driving to Rachel's house to … well surprise her by asking her if she wanted me to drive her to school … or rather to see if she would be okay with me doing so and then I would drive her back after school was over too. When I stopped at her driveway I was nervous and anxious about ringing the doorbell but after about a minute of hesitation I finally found the courage to get out of my car and walk to her doorway, there I stood with my arm in the air unable to move. I took a deep breath as my thoughts took over. _You can do this Quinn … it's just a door … the door to Rachel Berry's house and Rachel Berry herself. You've been in love with her for so many months and now you know that she loves you too … you shouldn't be nervous! Just ring the doorbell and get it over with … or at least knock on the door so they know you're there!_ My internal dialogue stopped when the door opened without me knocking or ringing the doorbell and it caught me completely off guard and when I came face to face with Rachel my mouth was hanging wide open and I was sure I could have caught a bug with how open my mouth was. She was smiling brightly and I stood stupidly at the door unsure of what to do and so very frozen.

She leaned forward and gave me a chaste peck and without even thinking about it I responded to the chaste kiss for the few seconds it lasted. "Good morning Quinn," she said softly when she pulled away, plump bottom lip caught sexily between her teeth. I was completely breathless and it gave me inspiration for a song I wanted to sing for Rachel.

"Good morning to you too beautiful," I said in return, just as softly. My nerves took over as I spoke next, "I was um … I-I was w-wondering i-if you … you know w-wanted a ride t-to school? I-I mean d-d-do you m-mind if I d-d-drive you t-to s-s-school?" I was looking down at the ground as I played with my fingers nervously. The next thing I knew, Rachel's finger was lifting my chin up to look at her face and she had a soft, serene smile on her face as she looked at my nervous visage.

"I would love to," she said softly. She leaned closer to me until our foreheads were touching and our noses were brushing against each other softly. "Just give me a minute to grab my things and I'll come back to you Quinn. I think there are a few things we need to talk about on the way to school. I will also need to go tell my fathers that I don't need a ride to school since you're here and you're going to drive me to school." There was a slight pause before she asked me, "How exactly did you know that I would still be here and that I wouldn't have made my way to school yet?" That question threw me for a loop since I hadn't really considered her not being here a possibility.

"I uh, I didn't really think that you not being here still as a possibility actually and I think I just got lucky with you still being home at this time." I breathed out with a nervous tone. I heard a garage door open and looked over to the left where there was a three door garage and saw a short, pale, bald man wearing glasses step out and I heard him call out to Rachel. Rachel hadn't moved from her spot and so our foreheads were still pressed together when he spotted us over here.

"Daddy! I'm riding with Quinn since she so graciously offered me a ride to school. You need not worry about me and I'll see you and dad at home later!" He nodded and walked back into the garage and the door closed behind him. "Don't mind him Quinn. I think he was just a bit surprised to see you like this with me so soon. Both of my fathers know about you in a way. I sort of … well I sort of told them that I really liked you a little while ago and they know that we were talking yesterday so I don't know what they're thinking now but I think it's pretty obvious that you're okay with my feelings, too, at this point." She leaned in for another kiss, one lasting a little longer than the last kiss. I knew I would never tire of kissing her plump, sweet apple flavored kisses nor the feel of her forehead pressing against mine in another sweet kiss. It was bliss and I felt so happy just knowing that she felt the same way as me. "Let's go buttercup. I like that … buttercup. Buttercups remind me of the color of your hair Quinn. From now on I'm calling you buttercup, buttercup." She was smiling happily as she walked back inside to grab her things. I went back to my car and when I saw her walk back out I started my car just as she opened the door and sat in the passenger seat. "Hi again my buttercup," she said as she put on her seatbelt and settled into the passenger seat.

After I got out off her neighborhood I started. "So what exactly did you want to talk about Rachel? I kind of wanted to talk about something too. But um … you first Rachel since you said you wanted to talk to me first." We still had a good ten minutes before we would arrive from school.

"Well, Quinn, when we had our talk yesterday and you told me about your feelings you never … well I mean _we_ never clarified between us what kind dating relationship we had or if we even had one at all and I wanted to ask you about that. I don't want to just assume because that would just be terrible of me to assume something instead of asking you about it first. I don't want to rush you by saying the wrong thing and making you nervous about it because then you would be unsure and you might feel pressured about what it is you want us to be and that might incite another asthma attack and I would really like to avoid that kind of scenario if at all possible. I would do anything to make sure you are safe and not at risk for an asthma attack because … well because I love you so much Quinn. You have been my number one priority for the past few months now not just because of my discovery of your asthma but also because of how scared I was of you leaving me … for good a few months ago and now … and now I just want to make sure that something like that will ever happen again, Quinn. So … what do you want us to be Quinn?" She asked after a small moment of pause.

I took a deep breath and waited to come by a stop light before I said anything, before I did anything. I took her hand in mine over the car brake and held it gently as I looked ahead. I gave her hand a comforting squeeze before I spoke, before I told her what I had been worrying about earlier, the very same thing she had been worrying and wondering about as well. "Rachel … I had the same thought earlier too. I realized that I didn't ask you if you were dating me or if we were girlfriends or what and it bothered me too. I mean … I love you so much I … I really want to date you and see where this … where we can go, what our love has for us … together. I want to see where this love between us will lead us and I'm willing to be here with you, love you, for as long as I live. I know we're young, I know that we haven't even really started our life yet, but I know … I can feel it between us … I can just tell that we're what is called the real thing, a real relationship and a real love. I can just tell Rachel," and the lights turned green. I didn't have time to look at Rachel's face to see what kind of expression she had on her face because I had to concentrate on driving but I didn't once let go of our intertwined hands and she didn't either, only held on a little bit more tightly.

It was just a single moment of silence when I heard her speak again. "I'm so moved Quinn … I don't think I've ever really been speechless before in my life … but there is a first for everything and this is one of those moments." I could hear the joy in her voice and it had me feeling giddy with happiness to hear that kind of delight coming from her because of something I had said. It had me thinking that there was a chance we could be one of those couples who were high school sweethearts and grew up to become a lawfully wedded couple because that would be a dream come true for me … it would be a dream come to life … just like it how it seemed that Rachel just walked out of one of my dreams. I felt so inspired by the thoughts that seemed to be coming to me in waves of motivation and Rachel seemed to be the best kind of muse for me.

I parked smoothly at a parking space close to the back entrance where the student parking lot was located. I quickly unbuckled myself in a rush to open the door for Rachel before she could even gather her things in her lap and I opened the door and stood off to the side and bowed and pointed my right arm out in a gesture for her to leave the car like I was a chauffeur. Rachel was entirely amused by my antics and she was smiling and laughing over it as I stood with a serious face, deadpan delivery doing quite well if I thought so myself. "We have arrived now, my lady. Might I escort you to homeroom my lady and then meet up with you to escort you to our first period class together? Anything you choose is fine my lady as long as it involves me being around you." My deadpan face was still on and she seemed to be enjoying it still if her giggling was any good indication for how she was feeling.

"Will you please walk me to my locker Ms. Chauffeur because I would like to exchange a few books, folders, and binders if you don't mind?" She asked me with a happy smile, she had a thoughtful look on her face. She looked around before she moved in and caught me in a gentle albeit quick kiss. My eyes fluttered instinctively as I felt the contact for the brief few seconds it lasted before she broke away from it, our eyes locked in a silent language. "That is your reward for being a gentlewoman Ms. Chauffeur but don't tell this girl I'm dating. Her name is Quinn Fabray and she is absolutely gorgeous, wonderful, sweet … in short absolutely perfect for me. She's someone who is so beautiful I sometimes wonder how I even remember how to breathe around someone who is just so completely stunning like her. If her beauty is the first thing you notice then you're definitely missing out on the best part about her in my opinion. I love her personality best but it's just a big bonus for her to be so … well so very attractive. She leaves me breathless because of her beauty sometimes and my breath catches every time she looks at me with her gorgeous hazel eyes. She's everything I've dreamed of and so much more because I … I'm so in love with her." Rachel's voice was so soft and genuine I couldn't help but feel that breathless feeling she had been talking about.

I didn't even care to look around, I wasn't paying attention because I was too lost in her, before I leaned in and kissed her deeply, pressed my lips against hers in a searing, soulful kiss full of all of my feelings for her, all of my love for her. I should have cared but I didn't and I could tell that Rachel hadn't been expecting me to be this way about our relationship, to feel so happy about it I didn't care what others thought of me. I didn't want Rachel to be a dirty secret of mine; I didn't want Rachel to think I felt ashamed for being with her because she meant more than just the world to me … she was my entire universe now and forever. I could practically hear the words that described my feelings for Rachel and a song was coming along easily now from the lyrics I could hear forming in my mind, a song about how in love I was and how breathless she had me feeling from just being around her, from being surrounded and enveloped by her.

I leaned my forehead against hers, overwhelmed by my feelings for her but barely clinging on to some sense of self-control somehow. I took hold of her hands in mine and led her into the school right to her locker with our hands interlaced. I was elated at the feeling it brought me and she seemed to be just as happy as I was about it and we both looked at each other with matching looks, looks filled with love, and we were lost in our little world until someone came and burst our bubble.

"You do realize that you're attracting a lot of attention from the few students actually here don't you Q, and dwarf?" Santana seemed to have added the last part as an afterthought and I would have gotten defensive if I didn't know Santana any better. I could tell that she was calling Rachel a dwarf in more of an affectionate kind of way instead of having any kind of malicious intent. "I'm pretty sure you two are acting very lovey-dovey because you finally had the guts to confess Q! I had so many schemes … I mean _plans_ to help get you two together Q." She paused for a breath before she continued speaking, "oh well, life happens. So how did it happen, Q? You have to tell me and Britts all of the details when we have study hall together later okay? We want the details of how you romantically spilled your guts to her and what you guys did after all of that romance stuff." She had a small smile on her face despite how casual she was being about everything.

"No, I didn't realize but now that I do know I don't really care because I love Rachel, Santana. I think it's how Brittany and you don't care about showing your subtle affection in the hallways and your sometimes not so restrained love for each other. Also, Rachel isn't a dwarf … she's my cuddly bear and I'm her buttercup. And besides all of that who cares about what they think Santana? I certainly don't care if they gawk and stare because I love her and I couldn't care less about what they think or say as long as they leave my girl alone. If they start bothering her then I'll just have to get them to leave her alone no matter what it takes to do so. And sure I'll tell you guys later. Library?" At her nod I turned back to Rachel just to smile at her and look at her again. "We should get going because I need to grab my things from my locker too Rachel."

"Okay." She paused, "are you sure you're okay with the student body knowing about us? I mean some of the things they might say can possibly get back to your mother and I know she is extremely religious … as is your father. They … well your father has been very open about how much he … _dislikes_ and _disagrees_ with my two fathers life style choices and how much he really _dislikes_ the fact that they were allowed to raise a child like me under their perverse love for each other. He thinks of them as abominations and I know that your mother is religious like your father is so I'm not exactly sure how she would react to that kind of coming out … what I mean to say is I'm not very confident in her reacting well to knowing that one of her daughters likes girls and is currently dating a girl period. I think that would be a very devastating and crushing thing for her to hear about if it gets out from people from seeing us together like this no matter how innocent our interactions may be. I don't … I don't want anything terrible to happen to you because of such a thing occurring Quinn. It would devastate me if something were to happen to you because of our love. I … I want to protect you from something like that happening because it would be heartbreaking to even think of such a terrible thing happening to you at all." She stopped for a moment, so overcome with emotion, "please … please promise me you'll be careful from now on Quinn. I don't want us to feel like we have to walk on eggshells but I really would rather have you intact and safe days, weeks, or months from now. I want you to be as safe as possible, Quinn."

"I'll be careful Rachel, I promise." I realized that I had been careless if we had already caught others attention already. I had to be more careful but I wasn't about to let go of her hands just yet because that was too hard for me. I couldn't let go of her hand because then I would feel empty without her hand in mine. "We have to get going since I still need to stop by my locker too before homeroom starts." I waited a beat before asking her, "Are you done Rachel?" At her nod I slowly let go of her hand so she could carry her things. "Do you want me to hold your things for you on the way to my locker? I can if you want me to Rachel." She shook her head with a happy smile on her face.

"I can handle it Quinn. You're so sweet it's so hard for me not to kiss you right now." She said, her voice full of a sultry sounding tone that had me feeling a little warmer than I was just a moment before.

"Um … I'm still here you know?" Santana said but I didn't seem capable of hearing a word she said and neither could Rachel from what I could tell as we continued to look at each other with heated glances. "Of course they don't," Santana muttered under her breath.

"What was that Santana?" I asked when I heard her clear her throat.

"Oh nothing, Q, absolutely nothing at all," Santana quipped with a smirk on her face. I felt like I was missing something because she looked far too amused nothing I could see as amusing.

"I'm so happy for you, Q! I knew that Rachel felt the same way about you! I told you remember?" Brittany was so excited about it I couldn't help but smile too. "I think it's sad that you had an asthma attack but at least you two are finally together and even though Santi says that she doesn't have to watch you pine over Rachel anymore I know that she's, really, actually happy about it. Santi's never been good at expressing her real feelings about things so that's what I'm here for!" Rachel was sitting next to me and we were holding hands as Brittany gushed about us finally being together. We were both blushing a bit as Santana glowered but said nothing in her little corner next to Brittany. There was a small upturn to her lips so I knew she was just playing at being sulky. It was an amusing sight for sure to see the HBIC's second in command sulking when people were so used to her being fierce and dominating. I laughed a little at that thought because I was so used to Santana just being my best friend Santana and not the fearsome HBIC Santana Lopez who most of the student population feared upsetting and crossing paths with in some way or another because of the backlash that they might have to deal with. Rachel looked over at me with a tender smile that she only smiled when she was looking at me, like this smile was just for me alone.

"Britt! Stop that! Quinn already knows that I'm happy for her and her dwarf … I mean her cuddly bear Rachel … there's no need to bring me into this conversation you two are having right now." She had her arms crossed as she continued to pretend to glower for any who might be eavesdropping so as not to ruin her reputation as the formidable Santana Lopez from Lima Heights Ohio … as she always stated but really she had a doctor for a father. I'd have to ask her about it someday if I actually remembered to do so. "You two are going to ruin my reputation as the HBIC's terrifying second in command Santana fucking Lopez. I need to be feared by the student body because if they don't know to be afraid of me yet they will learn to be afraid of me soon enough. I'll make sure I am feared because I won't let them hurt the people I care about most." Her tough act was sometimes the most adorable thing ever. Brittany had a soft smile she reserved for Santana alone, the smile of a lover, a smile I knew I had just for Rachel and she in turn had for me. It was moments like this I loved having between us, just being able to enjoy each other's company like this was one of the miracles in life for me … the other was having Rachel no matter how brief it was at this point. We sat just looking at each other and I knew there would be so much more time and everything else for us.

Today was Friday and I was taking Rachel out on a date later … as in about two hours from now and I was freaking out. I was more than nervous about it because what if Rachel realized that I was just another boring person and she might not want to be with me after that. I was being irrational but I still couldn't help but feel as if I was inadequate … like I wasn't worth it for her … like I didn't deserve her. It was 4:15 now and I had to pick her up around six for our surprise date. I wouldn't tell her where I was taking her but honestly that would just ruin the surprise element and it took a lot to set it up because of all of the many factors that all came into it being a special date, one that I wanted her to remember for the rest of her life no matter how long it had been since it initially happened. I wanted it to be a memory that she would remember forever even if we were old and gray at the age of 70 and together still. I was just so in love with her it was ridiculous. It had me curious and wondering if she felt the same way as me. I remember the first time I saw her … no I heard her voice. I was in seventh grade and I was passing by the middle school auditorium and I heard her, singing like an angel, and I fell, fell so hard for that angelic voice I heard. And then I was so obsessed after that. I found out everything I could after that chance meeting during a cold winter day in December. I would watch her as she walked with her head held high despite the people teasing her, making fun of her. They hated that she had talent and she knew it too. No matter how many people insulted her she would not break and then … I saw something I never wanted to see towards the end of eighth grade … she had a crush. I would watch her as she gave him fleeting glances full of longing. I broke that year without understanding why. I knew there was something different about me then but I didn't know what it was. I thought … no, I convinced myself that it was just because I really liked her voice and I just really wanted to be her friend … but then ninth grade happened and … I was so cruel to her and I just didn't know why, I couldn't find a reason for why I was acting so foolishly, so cruelly around someone I was so obsessed with just the year before. I dated the boy she liked, Finn Hudson. I think he could tell, despite the fact that I had done everything any other girl would do for a guy other than kiss him, that I wasn't really interested in him, that I didn't really actually like him at all and we broke it off after a few awkward months of dating.

A text message brought me out of my reverie and I looked down to see a number I didn't know pop up. Curious I opened the text message on my phone and it read, _Hello Quinn! It's Regina. It took me a while to find your phone # but I eventually found it from someone at your school. How are you? I haven't seen you around in the Lima Bean since Christmas._ A smile came on my face as I remembered the commotion we had become in the Lima Bean that day just a little over a month ago. I thought about my response for just a moment before I answered her. _Well I finally confessed my feelings for a person I'd been crushing on & in love 4 a long time & I'm gettin ready 4 a date we have in about 1 hr & a half. W abt u?_ I sat at my desk and drummed on it for a few seconds before a text messaged had my phone beeping to alert me that someone had just texted me. _Oh? That sounds like fun.^^ Is it someone from your school?_ I felt a blush illuminate my cheeks as I thought about my sweet, cuddly bear Rachel. _Yes, it has been amazing. Yeah it's someone from school. I think this one will last for a very long time … I think they're the one for me._ I definitely thought Rachel was the one for me. _Well I think I'll let you get back to getting ready for your date now since you're being secretive and dodgy about whom it is. Have fun!_ I texted a quick reply to her. _Wait! What's your last name Regina? I need to save your name as a new contact on my cell._ It took only a few seconds before a response came buzzing back to me. _It's Regina Agronsky._ I smiled at her response as I saved her as my newest contact. Regina Agronsky sounded German to me. That was interesting.

I looked at the time and I knew that I had to get ready now. My mother was working very late in the office tonight because of some kind of big project going on, some big case, as she had been for the past few nights and so I didn't have to worry about telling my mother about the fact that I was leaving the house for a date. I was extremely nervous about what I had planned but I needed to get things ready since I planned on cooking a vegan dish for her to eat and then there was parts two and three to the date as well that I had to get ready for. I only had a little under an hour to get ready by this point because I had spent a good five minutes talking to Regina. I had so much to do still before the date. This time was going to go by too quickly. I ran down the stairs to check on the dish since I had already gotten it started as soon as school was over and I'd dropped Rachel off. It looked like my Bean Casserole was turning out very well if how the dish I had before me looked so close to the picture of the recipe I had printed out was any indication.

Before I could even put the finishing touches on the dish someone rang the doorbell nearly giving me a heart attack in the process. I took a moment to collect myself before running to the door and opening it to see … Rachel? I was so confused, stunned into silence. I had no idea why Rachel was here right now at all and it threw me for quite a loop to see her standing right before. She wasn't supposed to be here with me … I was supposed to pick her up for our date at six. I felt my panic rise even as she spoke quickly.

"Quinn! Please don't start panicking! I'm not here to panic you! My fathers wanted me to be here at your house because they couldn't be home and they couldn't drop me off later as planned. So here I am. I can stay out of her way so I don't know anything about what you have planned for our date though! Don't worry Quinn, you're fine." She said when she noticed my slight difficulty in breathing because of my slight panic. I took in a deep breath and let it out slowly before repeating the process a few times until I had my breathing under control. She pulled me into her arms after the first deep breath and I nuzzled into her neck as I continued to breathe myself into a calmer demeanor, a calmer me. When I was done breathing I stayed in her arms for a little longer, I stayed nuzzled into her neck for a few more moments before I pulled away slowly. I just stood, looking into her eyes deeply. "Quinn?" She asked when I stayed in the same position, just watching her with soft eyes. Without any thought I leaned forward and pulled her into a kiss that left both of us breathless when we pulled apart. She looked like she was about to say something else but she seemed to decide against it when she pulled at my shirt's collar into another searing kiss that again left us both breathless and panting when we finally pulled away only to come together again for another passionate kiss. This time when we pulled apart we looked at each other with soft smiles. "What was that for Quinn?" she asked me softly. She was a stunning vision in her red button up shirt and a short black skirt. I hadn't taken the time to really look at her at first because I was too panicked by the thought of her showing up at my doorstep the way she had, startling me greatly in the process.

I was still incapable of speech for another moment before I answered her, "nothing … I just … I just wanted to kiss you so badly that's all." There really wasn't any reason I could think of other than the fact that I had just really wanted to kiss her and that was the end of that. The desire to kiss her was so overwhelming I just kissed her without much thought other than to kiss her softly. "I … sometimes I just look at you and I just want to kiss you. Is that … is that all right Rachel?" I asked her timidly. She looked at me with adoring eyes.

"Of course it is Quinn. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you kissing me because … well, because it's only natural to want to kiss the person you like, the person you love." She looked at me with such love in her eyes I couldn't help but feel breathless even though we weren't even kissing. "Now don't let me distract you from finishing whatever you are preparing because it smells delightful Quinn!" She leaned up for one last chaste kiss before she stepped back and looked around the room to look for somewhere to sit down out of my way. We were in my foyer and there wasn't anywhere to sit there so I took her by the hand and led her to my living room where I allowed her to pick where she wanted to sit amongst all of the couches, loveseats, and armchairs. I'd asked her on Monday if the Glee Club knowing would bother her and when she said no I was only happy to set this up, an idea that Santana came up with and it was perfect in my opinion. Santana was apparently a closeted romantic and that was how she won Brittany over during the summer … not that she really had to actually do much since they were both already in love for the longest time but neither was quite ready to confess before then. I had the perfect plan set up for this first date, one of the most monumental moments when dating someone as Rachel would say.

The casserole was due to be done in another three minutes and then all I would really have to do was change and pack up the casserole into containers for the picnic I had planned for us among other things. I was so excited because I was ahead of schedule since I had been expecting to mess up at least once but since that didn't happen I was far ahead of schedule with at least another hour to just relax since it was only 4:50 now and I didn't need to pick Rachel up anymore. I sprinkled some dried onions all over the casserole and mixed it up in the metal pan I had it cooking in, in the oven and I took the spoon and held it up to my face, blowing on it to make sure I didn't scald my tongue, and I took a hesitant lick and found that it tasted delicious. Things were going very well for me as it would appear and so I set the dish on a cooling rack and went back into the living room to see Rachel leaning back into an armchair as she hummed a familiar tune and sometimes sang a few lines of the song; No Air. It had me smiling softly as I listened to her vocalize the lines from the song. I remembered her singing this song with Finn and how jealous I had been so much earlier on this year, even before what happened at that drunken sleepover at Rachel's house. I hadn't really been paying attention to anything that day about the house because I was more concerned with Rachel. I remembered the feelings that night involved better than the events other than the anticipation to kiss Rachel. It was that very night that changed everything between us … I stopped running away from my feelings and she first realized hers then. I clapped as soon as she sang the last line since it had become more singing than humming toward the middle of the song and she turned around looking startled to have heard me clapping since she was not aware of me being someone in her audience. "That was beautiful Rachel. There's still some time left before I was even supposed to pick you up so I … I thought we should spend this time together."

She stood up and crossed the room to stand before me, "I'd like that very much Quinn," she whispered before she put her hand on my neck and pulled me down for a searing kiss. She slowly lead me to a couch where she promptly pushed me down to sit on top of before she straddled me as we continued to kiss passionately, make out really, and before long she was pushing me down onto the couch so I was lying down and she was lying on top of me. At first it was just our lips pressing against each other eventually Rachel became adventurous and her tongue joined in. She opened her mouth and I could feel her tongue pressing against my lips, asking me permission to enter which I, of course, granted her access easily. We broke apart for air again but this time it was different, this time we had been dug in deeper and our lips were pressing against each other, our tongues dancing a tango as her tongue sought out mine again. We kissed until our lungs were ready to burst before we broke apart, panting for the air we needed so desperately to live but found a rather annoying need for interrupting our need to make out desperately, passionately, fervently.

A buzzing and loud music shocked us both into freezing completely. My phone had gone off and it vibrated against my leg indicating that someone was calling me. I wiggled my hand into my pocket, passed Rachel's thigh, and answered the phone breathlessly, "hello?" I was breathing heavily as the other person answered, who turned out to be the one and only Santana Lopez.

"Q, we're all in formation now and the sun is nearly all gone by now so it is freezing so you'd better hurry up. It is … 5:35 now Q. See you soon!" And without another word Santana hung up, not leaving me any room to ask questions or look for answers. I pressed the end button and let my hand drop to the side of the couch with a sigh.

"Is anything wrong buttercup?" Rachel asked from the crook of my neck, where she had been resting her head since my phone had gone off and I answered it. "You seem frustrated if your sigh is any indicator of such a thing." I shook my head and took a deep breath before I spoke.

"We have to leave soon Rachel. I'm going to go get changed and then grab a few things and then we can go. Is that okay my cuddly bear Rachel Berry?" I heard her chuckle softly into my neck before she nodded her head softly against me. With that I sat up slowly, only to have her kiss me hard before getting up and letting me go get ready to leave.

I had Rachel blindfolded after much convincing that I would protect her from all harm and that I wasn't leading her somewhere to be kidnapped, harmed, or any place that might have shady dealings for us to get involved in. Rachel was a very cautious kind of person but her defense was "it's never a bad thing to be cautious! You never know what could happen to you!" and that was that in her world and it had me wondering what kind of safety lessons she might have learned in elementary school to be like this, to be so overly cautious.

"Are you sure I'm going to be all right?" She asked for the hundredth time it seemed. I wasn't necessarily annoyed by the fact that she kept asking … I just felt a little inadequate _because_ she kept asking, as if she didn't fully trust me. I sighed as I indicated that I was very sure that she would be safe. "I just don't want my dreams of being a Broadway star with eye candy like you on my arm being stolen because something went horribly wrong on our first date ever. I know I can be a bit melodramatic sometimes but this is a serious concern of mine Quinn. I really don't want my dreams of Broadway to be robbed because of something that happened on our very first date, it would just be too ironic." She told me too seriously, not a single part about her kidding in any sense about her fears of a Broadwayless future.

"Rachel, I promise you I will always keep you safe no matter what. You will always, _always_ be safe with me. Besides what's life without a little risk Rachel? This is just one of those kinds of risks I'm willing to take right now." I took her hands in my own as I lead her to the picnic table in the middle of the park. I sat her down before quickly running back to my car to grab the picnic basket I packed the bean casserole in and a fruit plate. When I made it back I placed it in the middle of the picnic table and I moved her from her place at the picnic table and I spotted where Santana, Brittany and the others were all hiding off to the side and being as quiet as possible and I signaled them over to me. They all came from their hiding spot to surround the picnic table, there were candles surrounding the picnic table as I had asked them to set it up so that it would be more romantic for Rachel and her idealistic first date.

As I took off Rachel's blindfold Puck played his guitar as I started singing softly in the silent night as I held her hands in mine own. I wrote this song on Monday and composed it by Tuesday and I had Puck learn the composition that very same day and we practiced on Wednesday and Thursday with the rest of Glee Club in secret. We practiced towards this very day and here it was. I had them all sing back up for certain parts of the song and together we sounded amazing as I sang this love song to her describing all of my feelings for her perfectly.

Breathless (Shayne Ward, my current obsession)

If our love was a fairytale

I would charge in and rescue you

On a yacht, baby, we would sail

To an island where we'd say I do

And if we had babies they would look like you

It'd be so beautiful if that came true

You don't even know how very special you are

(I can't believe it now)

You leave me breathless

You're everything good in my life

You leave me breathless

I still can't believe that you're mine

You just walked out of one of my dreams

So beautiful you're leaving me

Breathless

And if our love was a story book

We would meet on the very first page

The last chapter would be about

How I'm thankful for the life we've made

And if we had babies they would have your eyes

I would fall deeper watching you give life

You don't even know how very special you are

(I can't believe it now)

You leave me breathless

You're everything good in my life

You leave me breathless

I still can't believe that you're mine

You just walked out of one of my dreams

So beautiful you're leaving me

You must have been sent from heaven to earth to change me

You're like an angel

The thing that I feel is stronger than love believe me

You're something special

I only hope that I'll one day deserve what you've given me

But all I can do is try

Every day of my life (aah~)

You leave me breathless

You're everything good in my life

You leave me breathless

I still can't believe that you're mine

You just walked out of one of my dreams

So beautiful you're leaving me

(You leave me breathless)

Breathless

You're everything good in my live (breathless)

You leave me breathless (you leave me breathless)

I still can't believe that you're mine

You just walked out of one of my dreams

So beautiful you're leaving me

Breathless

Breathless (you leave me breathless)

I finished softly. Rachel had tears streaming down from her eyes in soft, slow rivulets and I reluctantly pulled one hand out of hers to wipe the tears away and I leaned in to kiss her softly before pulling away and I heard a chorus of awes coming from the girls while the guys either remained silent or whooped, mainly Puck.

Santana and Brittany approached me, "we're going to leave you two alone now so you can have your date Q. You can thank me for this after your date is over and you tell me all the details either over the phone or in person tomorrow." She paused as another thought occurred to her, "I'll make sure to slap Puck upside the head if he gives you any trouble by being … his 'Puckasaurus'-self." She paused again only this time it seemed to be because it was hard for her to speak, "have fun on your date Quinn. Make sure to enjoy yourself well." And with that she turned around but I stopped her by pulling her arm so that she was in my arms only a moment later.

"Thank you Santana, for everything." I needed to say it, to express it, because I really did feel so very grateful for Santana for everything she had done to make this happen. "Thank you for everything guys!" I shouted to the others as I pulled Brittany into my hug with Santana. "Good night Brittany, Santana and once again … thank you for everything you did for me today and for all of the things you have done for me in the past." And with that I sent them all away so I could get my date with Rachel on. I had no idea what kind of night I had ahead of me with one Rachel Barbara Berry but I was more than glad for the chance to find out.

So this was a much longer chapter than usual and I hope everyone enjoys it and leaves a review at the very least. I was disappointed for not getting any reviews at all the last chapter but I'm hoping this chapter I get a good few since it was just very slightly over 8000 words. Well happy reading to everyone and hopefully someone will review!

姫宮光る


	17. I Promise You

Chapter 17

I Promise You

"Thank you for such a wonderful night Quinn." Rachel whispered softly. She was looking up at me as I stood before her and at the entrance of her house. We just stood looking at each other until she took a step toward me and that tiny little gap between disappeared as she pressed her entire body against mine as her arms looped around my neck and then our lips met in a soft kiss that started off gentle but became searing in only moments. "Mm," she moaned into the kiss as our tongues danced the tango together and she pushed my neck to deepen the kiss further. When we pulled apart we were painting for air heavily in great, loud puffs. "You leave me breathless too Quinn." She pulled me down for another kiss before she pulled away, "I really should go inside Quinn. My fathers are most likely waiting for me to come inside so they can interrogate me about our date." She looked down shyly at our laced hands. "I had a really good time tonight Quinn. Thank you for allowing the chance to be with you Quinn." She looked up into my eyes and our lips somehow found each other yet again before we broke apart slowly. "I-I really should get—" I cut her off with another kiss only this time it was a deeper kiss, one that wasn't sweet, it was full of passion and lust. Rachel moaned into this kiss and kissed back just as fiercely, just as full of emotion and feeling as me. I could only smile into the kiss once we had calmed down from our lustful frenzied kiss.

"You really probably should go Rachel," I spoke with no conviction as we continued to look at each other, continued to stare into each other's eyes and hold hands. We just stood, looking at each other with adoring eyes, love shining, glowing on our faces. I couldn't look away from her beautiful, loving visage. It was like a couple talking over the phone and neither wanted to hang up and kept arguing back and forth, 'you hang up,' and in response, 'no you hang up,' over and over again. We were startled out of our heated glances by a door opening and someone's voice speaking

"When were you girls planning to stop kissing and staring at each other so Rachel could run back into the house?" One of Rachel's fathers spoke as we looked away from each other in a shy manner. "Awe, you two are just so very precious and adorable! Rachel, sweetie, you picked a keeper I think. Your daddy agrees too." Leroy Berry said with a smile on his face as he looked at us with happiness. "It's time to call it a night though. Maybe you can have Rachel come over tomorrow or you can come to us, Quinn." Leroy was very happy as he spoke to us. He gave us one more moment before he took a hold of Rachel's arm and led her into the house, "good night Quinn. Thank you for having her back on time Quinn. Please drive back home safely and I'll see you soon I hope. Have a good night Quinn." He said before giving me a quick hug and walking back into his house. He didn't close the door until I'd driven off after waving to the both of them and driving off after I had given them a few more seconds to just wave at me before I was no longer visible.

Tonight … oh tonight was so magical. I could not imagine our first date going any better, being more amazing than what it was.

What Happened

Just as they all left in their individual cars from the small handful that could actually drive, and we'd seen them off, Rachel and I started walking back to the picnic table hand in hand and with bashful, shy smiles. "Our date hasn't even started yet and you have my heartbeat pounding away like never before. I've never … I've never felt this way about anyone before, not with Finn and not with Noah for the brief time I dated him during freshman year. I've never felt so … so special before … so swept off of my feet like now during this moment with you. I wish that this night would never end but all good things must end at some point even if no one wants it to at all. I had an absolutely amazing and fantastic time with you … this … this was like a dream come true, the ideal date that they show on television in movies all of the time, a fairytale romance and love in real life. I'm so in love you, Quinn, it amazes me. I've never felt so strongly about anyone before in my life … not like I do with you Quinn." She was so sincere I leaned in to give her a loving peck on the lips.

"I'm so glad you're enjoying our date so far even though it hasn't really started just yet. Are you hungry? I made a special vegan friendly dinner for us to share," I was excited and a bit anxious to see how she would like the dinner I had cooked and prepared for her enjoyment.

"I'm sure that whatever it is I'll enjoy it immensely and to the fullest because you made it for me." She spoke softly, her voice full of affection and endearment. She looked up at me shyly before looking down at our intertwined hands with a happy glow on her face. "I really love that you have the picnic table lit up with candles. This really has to be the most romantic dinner I've ever been on with the love song you sang with the Glee Club, the gentle lighting, the candlelit dinner, and us holding hands as we walk in the park like this. This is the kind of first date most girls dream of having and almost never get usually or it only happens in the movies that become vastly popular because of the central theme of romance and girl meets boy, boy asks her out, they date, become girlfriend and boyfriend and eventually get married and have kids. It's the kind of formula most movies have nowadays and it has become an iconic theme for our generation to enjoy such a thing generally aimed at female audiences and their dates and it has the kind of irresistible twist to go with too as well somewhere in the mix of drama, romance, and passion that fits in an approximate hour and a half or so kind of frame. That's what movies are all about these days but for it to happen to me right here, right now … it is absolutely exhilarating and I love you even more for giving this kind of dream date to me like the sweetheart you are Quinn." We just stood still, watching each other for a few moments longer before she whispered something as if she just couldn't help herself, "I love you." It made my heart skip yet another beat and it was just so absolutely … perfect.

I leaned in for yet another kiss, one that started off slow and sweet and became heated and passionate in a matter of moments. When we pulled apart I whispered it back to her, "I love you Rachel." I needed to express something to her, something that I'd wanted to say since that night we first kissed, first confessed our feelings to each other. "I think you're the one, I think you're it for me, the love of my life and my one and only. I know our love is the kind of love that will last until the day we both die and I know that we're the real thing. I know that we're both young and people always say that we don't know what love is at our age but I think this thing, what I'm feeling now for you, will never fade away no matter how much time has passed and despite anything that happens. I believe that we've got the kind of love that will never break no matter what happens in the future, whether other people try to tear us apart or something else happens that will test our love, I know what we have will last for an eternity. I believe in us and this strong love no matter how young and immature now. I know we can mature in this love together and that no matter what happens my love for you will never burn any less and it will never fade away into nothingness because what I feel for you is too strong, too powerful for it to ever happen. This I swear to you Rachel Barbara Berry or my name is not Quinn Lucy Fabray. I swear this on my family's name and honor that I will never be unfaithful to you in any way and that you will always be the most important person to me in this world, in this universe. I promise you that you will always, always be my number one, my only one." I sealed this with a tender peck on her lips which she returned with just as much emotion.

"Well Buttercup, I'm hungry so let's go eat that scrumptious smelling dinner I could smell the moment I walked into your very beautiful home. I must say you seem to have a flair for cooking from what I could smell earlier." And with that we were walking back, leisurely, to the picnic table, which was very easy to discern from the rest of the park because of the candles lit about the table with two just on the table so we could see what we were eating when we finally sat down to eat. I took the container with the Bean Casserole in it out for Rachel to see and she looked thoroughly impressed with my cooking skills from the slightly wide eyed look on her face and her slightly open mouth. "This looks absolutely amazing and delicious Quinn! I had no idea you could cook such a magnificent meal such as this! Where have you been hiding such culinary perfection and skill, in your desk drawer perhaps? I must say I never expected to see this from what I could smell because of the onions. They were particularly distracting when I was sitting in your living room waiting for you to finish cooking this beautiful surprise dinner for me. I simply must—" I interrupted her by putting a small forkful of Bean Casserole in her mouth as she spoke rather rapidly and excitedly.

"Enough chitchat my hungry, hungry hippo Rachel Barbara, adorable, Berry. As amusing and endearing as I find your loquacious speeches, you said you were hungry so here is dinner for you to eat my very talented princess." She was startled but in a pleasant way if her moan of appreciation was any indication. Her eyes had fluttered closed after the small bite I wedged into her partially open mouth. "So what do you think of my cooking my fun sized princess?" I was smiling, grinning from ear to ear because of how happy I was just sitting here with her on a date of all things when just a week ago I had thought that I had absolutely no chance with her like a snowball's chance of surviving in the hottest, deepest burning pits of hell and beyond it. This was my little slice of heaven with Rachel here with me in this moment.

"It's delicious Quinn. I love it." She was looking at me with so much adoration in her eyes I couldn't believe how blind I had been not to see it sooner, not to recognize it until this moment now with her, here at this park where we were having our first, wonderful, date together. "You never cease to amaze me Quinn. The fact that you set this entire date up, with or without help, just simply amazes me. I honestly … I would never have thought to do this for a first date I don't think. You are just so … absolutely wonderful Quinn. I've never met a more sincere and passionate person in my life and I don't think I will ever meet another like you Quinn. There will never ever be any other like you and I … I'm happy that you want me to be your girl and that you want to by my girl. I will never, _ever_ look at anyone else the same way I look at you Quinn. I want you to know that. I promise you that I will always be with you, I promise you that with me you will always be safe, I promise you that I will help ease your pain and trauma, and I promise you that I will always believe in you no matter what happens. You are the reason I can sing and when I can't sing it's only because you're not with me. I … I couldn't sing at all when you were in the ER … I was silent for the two weeks you were in the hospital. I was sad, I was depressed, I was shaken … I just couldn't bring myself to sing when all I could do then was cry over you and what had brought you into the hospital in the first place. Your good intentions almost left me silent for the rest of my life Quinn." She had unshed tears in her eyes and I wiped them away gently as a few tears leaked out of her eyes. "I don't think … if you hadn't survived … I don't know what I would have done … I think I would have ever been able to sing ever again without you being there with me, being alive in this world with me. I think my world would have become dark and empty without you, it would have been just as dead as you." Rachel spoke softly. "I … sometimes when I wake up from a dream … I have to calm myself down because … I sometimes wonder if this is a dream … if you're just a figment of my imagination … a very hot figment of my imagination. I have to convince myself that you're really with me and that you're not … you're not gone, so far away I can't even touch you anymore, reach out to you." I had to smile a little at the 'hot' part but the rest of it just made my heart ache and throb with the pain of guilt.

"I … I never thought … I never meant to hurt you … I didn't intend for it to mean what it ended up meaning to everyone else. I just … I was trying to do what was right even if I was going about it the completely opposite way I should have. My intention … my reasoning for it was for it to be a good thing and not what it ended up being Rachel. I just … I thought that by taking my life," this was the first time I'd actually said those words out loud, "I was doing something good for everyone, I thought that I was ridding the world of one less bad apple. I was … so terribly wrong about that and I realize this now … but then I didn't. Then … then I still saw myself as a horrible human being, undeserving of the life I had been given without choice." I closed my eyes as I felt a few tears leak out of my eyes before they crashed onto the skin of my neck and froze in the freezing coldness of winter.

She cupped my face into both of her hands, "Quinn, what do you think now? How do you feel now?" She asked me softly.

I took a deep, shuddering breath that I let out slowly before I responded shakily, "It's … it's different for me now somehow. It's like … I don't see myself that way anymore because … I don't think you, Santana, Brit, the Glee Club, Mr. Schuester, Coach, and so many other people from our school could care about someone who is so cold and heartless and … I'm not cold and heartless. I don't think that terribly of myself anymore but I do know that I am someone who just wanted what I thought was best for everyone else … I just wanted to take away everyone's trouble by … getting rid of the problem from the source … but now … now I know it was wrong of me, it was entirely selfish of me. I … I never want to be that selfish ever again Rachel, I know this now. I've learned that … I'm human and so it is only fitting for me to make mistakes since that's what we have to live with: retrospect. We live with the ability to remember our past so we can make a better future for ourselves but sometimes life doesn't work that way, sometimes life isn't fair and that's something I've had to learn the hard way. It isn't easy but life is worth it when you find someone or something that makes it worth it … and for me that someone is you. You are the reason life is worth living for me."

Date Over

The weekend with Rachel had been amazing and now we were sitting in Glee Club holding hands and just looking at each other. I could hear soft murmurs throughout the room from the various positions of various people. I could hear Kurt awing and cooing in the background about how sweet and adorable he thought we were and I could hear Tina say, "I never would have suspected but it's about time," and Mercedes echoed a "hell yeah," to that. "I just want to see them macking when it comes time for that kind of awesomeness. Oh I wish they had been a couple already whene— OW!" Puck was interrupted by a swift and powerful blow to the head from the one and only fiery Latina, Santana Lopez. "Puckerman just shut up would you? They're having a moment of complete vulnerability right now because they're not even paying attention to anyone else to defend themselves since they're too busy making googly eyes at each other right now. This is your only warning Puck, so cool it."

It was all background noise until Mr. Schuester came in with an announcement that had me very surprised and excited. "All right class we're in for a treat today. Rachel has requested to perform a song she wrote and compose herself this time around so let's all show her some respect by giving her our undivided attention now!"

With that Rachel gently took her hand out from mine to take the stage. She started singing as a guitar and piano joined in with her the moment she started. She was looking right at me as she sang and I felt my heart flutter and swoon just watching her sing a song just for me.

Angel (Se7en, this song is so sweet!)

As if I'm walking on top of a cloud

I still can't believe it

From the beginning and the end of all of our stories

You became my everything

When my two eyes open until I fall asleep

All day, you, to me

All day, me, to you

We want to spend these beautiful days together

I tremble like crazy every day

Without knowing I look at you, who is so great

After waiting for a long time

This is all about you~

You're my one and only beautiful~

Breath stopping beautiful~

You are my angel

You are my angel, to me

For always, beautiful girl

You're dazzling, beautiful girl

You are my angel

You are my angel to me, good night

Good night and kiss me

Even if this night passes, I'm by your side

Wanting to spend these beautiful days together

I tremble like crazy every day

Without knowing I look at you, who is so great

After waiting for a long time

This is all about you~

You're my one and only beautiful~

Breath stopping beautiful~

You are my angel

You are my angel, to me

For always, beautiful girl

You're dazzling, beautiful girl

You are my angel

You are my angel, to me

It's over, all the moments exhausted by waiting

Forever by your side

Now I will tell you, you're my last

My one and only beautiful~

Breath stopping beautiful~

You are my angel

You are my angel to me

For always, beautiful girl

You're dazzling, beautiful girl

You are my angel

You are my angel to me

You're my one and only beautiful~

Breath stopping beautiful~

You are my angel

You are my angel to me

For always, beautiful girl

You're dazzling, beautiful girl

You are my angel

You are the angel for me

The moment she was done I could hear catcalls and whooping throughout the room as well as several choruses of awes and quiet murmurs of "how cute", "adorable", "they're so cute", and "that was cute" went around the room after hearing Rachel sing this kind of song aimed at me. I stood up, when she came back, to envelop her in a strong, warm hug full of affection. "I love you," I whispered softly, pressing my forehead into hers gently as I looked at her, my eyes full of adoration and love for her as she looked back at me with just as much love shining in her eyes. "I love that you sang a song like that for me too Rachel. Thank you, love." I said, a happy smile on my face from hearing such a sweet song coming from the love of my life.

She giggled, "anything for you, Quinn. Besides I wanted to sing this song for you since you're always singing songs for me … I thought that it was about time I sang a song for you instead for once Quinn." We just stood looking at each other with soft eyes when Santana thought it inappropriate to interrupt us.

"If it's okay with the two new lovebirds I think we should start the lesson Mr. Schuester." I finally noticed that Mr. Schuester was looking at the both of us with confusion evident in his eyes for the first time and I realized that Rachel and I had made no indication that we were dating to him at all hence his very blatant confusion over the current situation. "Oh yeah Quinn and Rachel have been dating for …" Santana paused for a moment, "eight days now," she finished. I could hear the undertone of happiness in her voice, one that she kept hidden well. Looking at Mr. Schuester again I could see that the confusion had turned into a smile of happiness for us. I smiled back showing him just how happy I was in return. Today was going to be a good day. I could just tell.

Today was a gym day … today was one of the three days that freaked me out a little … well not really freak out so much as stressed me out slightly. Gym days for me meant that I had to resist temptation, the worst kind of temptation in the world … Rachel Barbara Berry in gym shorts and a white t-shirt but worst of all: her changing. I had to resist the temptation to look at her, watch her while she changed and it was the worst kind of temptation imaginable to me because not only did she always go directly to the locker next to mine she liked to change in the same corner of the locker room I liked to change in every single gym class I attended. What made matters even worse was the fact that this semester of gym was swimming class which meant for me that not only did I have to shy my eyes away from a changing Rachel Berry I had a full blast of Rachel Berry walking around and swimming around in a pool with just her bikini on. And then there was the fact that our classes were coed to boot … I was a jealous, jealous girl despite the fact that I was a rather reasonable human being usually. I was always glaring at a good number of guys with their wandering eyes to begin with but my glaring was so much worse now that they were also looking at other girls I didn't want them to, Rachel mainly but Santana and Brittany were in that category as well but for very fundamentally different reasons. I felt a jealous rage when those teenage, hormone ridden boys looked at _my_ Rachel that way but I said nothing but when it came to Santana and Brittany I didn't need to say a word because Santana's fearsome, vicious glare did the job for me so I didn't even need to say a word. Most of the boys got the hint the first few classes of this new semester but some of them just didn't seem to care still at this point even though I glared and spoke some rather cutting remarks about them to get them to stop with their disgusting ogling. An incident occurred with one such vile simpleton.

He was staring right at her as she walked to the pool and slipped in gently. He was ogling her chest and butt and I was glaring up a storm that he didn't care to notice. After a few more minutes of his unabashed staring I couldn't take it anymore and I stepped in front of him and he gave me a barbaric, moronic response in turn for me interrupting his repulsive Rachel watch. "Excuse me but you're in my way," and that just caused me to break loose with fury I had been trying to mask somewhat.

"In the way of what? You being a revolting pig by staring at someone for far too long like the swine you are? Yes, yes I am very much so. You know what? The worst part is you probably don't even know how out of your league you are. She is far beyond your means and wishes, bub. She is a star and you are a filthy piece of trash in comparison to the rest of the universe." I was furious with this idiotic, childish boy. "Now little _boy_, if you'll excuse me I have much better and more important things to do with my life." And with that I started walking off when he spoke again.

"Just who do you think you are blonde bitch? You think you can just walk away from a catch like me with those kinds of words? I don't think so you stupid whore." He was walking toward me from what I could hear and the next sound that could be heard was a very loud, very powerful resounding smack that came from the force of my hand connecting with his cheek forcefully, powerfully.

My breathing could be heard, hard and harsh, as I stood in silent fury, unable to believe his arrogance, "you just earned yourself an enemy and then some. You are so pathetic to think that those kinds of words can hurt me. I actually almost feel sorry for you because you probably don't have any real friends and the only people who associate with you must be thugs. You are trash and you just don't want to believe that you are because you think you're so good, that you're above all others because you happen to have a rich mommy and daddy at your disposal, with just a single word." With that I turned around only to hear a loud smacking noise. I wasn't the one who was smacked though I felt like it should have been me from how close the proximity was.

"Ugh!" I heard from behind me. It was an exclamation out of pain. "_What_ the _hell?_"

I heard an angry voice respond from behind me. "Why the hell would you even try to raise your hand against another person, let alone with their back turned and it's a girl too? You fucking _bastard!_ How dare you, you coward? How dare you even try to do something so low, so despicable, to her? El stupid! El Loco el cabron! Como se atreve te? Sera cortado de te el carbon!" Santana was absolutely furious and it was emphasized even more by her cursing in Spanish, which made her sound all the angrier, and the only one holding her back from doing even worse was Brittany, who had a tight hold on her. She was trying to whisper something soothing to her but the Latina's ire didn't seem to be lessoning at all despite her best efforts to soothe her livid girlfriend from the rage she was currently experiencing over an idiotic boy. She continued to curse in Spanish as she kept trying to pry herself out of Brittany's grip in a gentle manner despite her being incensed in her worst state of absolute wrathful fury. This caused a scene that the teacher wasn't quite sure how to respond to. Santana was already being held back and the idiot was just standing numbly, he actually looked frightened of the Latina breaking every bone in his body and then some because she was sure not to stop with just that after the cowardly act he had just committed. He had been angry at first before pale fear took over him for his foolish mistake, setting this powerful Latina off with her intense anger. He had no idea what was coming to him. I almost felt sorry for him for what was surely to come.

When the teacher finally got herself in order she spoke up, "that's detention for you Robert. I have never seen such a horrible display of cowardice and maliciousness in all of my years of teaching at this school! If you had not been stopped by Ms. Lopez it would have been suspension for you so you must thank her for slapping your hand away from Ms. Fabray. She did not deserve your petty childishness." She paused for a moment as she continued to glare at him angrily. "Thank you, Ms. Lopez, for defending your friend from such an unpleasant scoundrel like him. Class, you may be dismissed other than Robert. Robert, I would like to see you in my office immediately. Come now. I will see the rest of you two days from now."

I was being attacked by some very plump, kissable lips. I couldn't catch my breath every time we broke apart for air before we both dove back in for more wet hot kisses, kisses that were melting me, warming my body up tremendously as we continued to kiss in the school shower. I was being pressed against the wall as we kissed each other fervently, desperately, feverishly, passionately. We were full of need, full of want, full of so much desire for each other as we continued to kiss heatedly. This time when Rachel pulled away she whispered hotly against my ear, "it just turned me on so much to see that kind of heated passion in you over defending me. I've never been so turned on in my life Quinn." She was pressing her entire body against me, her knee in between my legs, and I was moaning, groaning in absolute, pure pleasure. We discovered each other a lot over the weekend. We had been adventurous over the weekend after our first date when it came to kissing and making out. Rachel was _very_ comfortable with her sexuality evidently and I was more than happy with that because it only meant that she was okay with being with me … maybe more than okay with being with me if her desperate kisses were any indication.

"Rachel, we have to stop now. We need to … oh _god_ … we need to … stop … we have, w-we h-have t-t-to g-g-g-go t-to c-class next … next p-period!" I could barely think at all because of how good everything she was doing felt. She had told me over the weekend that she had been doing a little research into lesbianism and apparently Google was conducive in turning her into an expert in the field of lesbianism with its do's and don'ts and she had even looked up lesbian movies as well! It was apparently unsatisfactory for her because she couldn't find very much on the subject without looking deeply into the world of Google and the internet's resources. She wanted answers and she wanted them pronto for her not just her benefit but my own as well. I couldn't really argue with the results because some of the results were currently being used on me, where she was kissing me were all places she had found out were appealing for female relationships. 'This particular spot makes a young woman feel good and so does this other area and here too from what I've seen and read in my research' she had said on Saturday afternoon when her fathers had been busy at work and were _not_ home to supervise us. I wasn't so sure they were even aware of my presence in their home that day because Rachel had never clarified if her fathers had been okay with me coming over or not and I wasn't about to question her either for good reason because I wasn't about to give up time alone with my very lovable girlfriend: Rachel Barbara Berry.

She continued to lick, kiss, and nip at my neck and anywhere else her tongue and teeth could sink into until we were both startled by one Santana stinking Lopez knocking insistently on the shower stall door to whisper urgently to us, "hey we've got another ten minutes before we've got to get to our next class so you two should stop making out or whatever and get showered and dressed! I'm only warning you once because I don't want to hear another … _moan_ coming from either one of you ever again because … ugh would you two _quit_ it? Anyways I'm not listening to you two mentally scarring me ever again in my life if I can avoid this scenario from ever happening again." And with that she left and Rachel gave me one last peck on the lips before she peeked out of the stall we had been sharing and left with a single wink and wave of her hand. I was extremely turned on and I didn't know how to turn myself off. I knew that there was something wet and slick sliding down my thighs that most certainly was _not_ water.

I sank back against the tiles my skin warmer than I could ever remember it being … warmer than a fever but I wasn't feverish at all. I moved myself to stand under the spray of water to wash out the scent of the pool's chlorine from my body as well as the pool water itself as well. I had never felt this way before in my life. This feeling was so foreign, so strange and new, but so familiar too in some ways. It was just so … it was a good feeling that I somehow couldn't really put into words that made any sense to me at all. It was just something I couldn't really explain for some reason because it was a feeling that was somehow … unexplainable. It was an amazing feeling that had me speechless, inarticulate, and unable to express how good it made me feel.

I knew I didn't have very much time left so I quickly shampooed my hair and rinsed it out as quickly as I could and towel dried myself up as quickly as I could when someone knocked on the stall, nearly giving me a heart and asthma attack out of great surprise. I was just about to get out when whoever it was knocked and I opened the stall slightly to peek out of it and I saw Rachel on the other side fully dressed in her short skirt and a button up blouse that made her look very much like a well dressed secretary. I wanted to see what was underneath that blouse again but I knew that it wasn't the time or the place for such a thing. I really wished that we were somewhere else, somewhere much more private but of course when I was feeling this way I just so happened to be at school of all places. I wanted to just find some secluded area in the school just to have another taste of her delicious, soft, plump lips for just a few more miraculous moments whether it was the janitor's closet or the, usually, empty auditorium just begging to be used. I had to stop these dangerous thoughts before they manifested themselves in my brain and then they would be the only thing I would be able to think about for the rest of the day which wouldn't be good in any way. Just then I thought of my one saving grace; _piano_. The piano wasn't saving me this time however because all I could think about was Rachel sitting on top of one while I sat on the bench in front of while her shorter than short skirt revealed … that was definitely a bad train of thought that I had to rid myself of quickly. _Piano, piano, piano, piaaaaanooo … GAH that's not working. My mother and father created me! Okay, ew, I just grossed myself out quite a bit there but at least it worked._

"Are you all right Quinn?" Rachel's voice was quite sultry and pouting from what I could hear. I couldn't help the slight shiver that passed through me. She didn't sound concerned about me one bit … it was as if she knew exactly what I had been thinking of torturously in my mind. "You should get dressed Quinn, I know you don't want to be late for class since it's starting in another eight minutes which leaves you four minutes to dress. You wouldn't want detention now would you?" I was in heaven and hell at the same time because of this girl standing with a sexy aura just exuding from her, pouring from her every pore. I shook my head slowly, nervously. Rachel was torturing me in the most pleasant of ways I had never imagined humanly possible to ever occur in my world. "Well then, get dressed into your clothes then Quinn, hurry now so you aren't late for your next class Quinn since we have the next class together too. English is a _very_ important subject after all." And with that she walked away to grab her bag with her wet towel and bikini inside and grabbed her binders and AP English book from a locker. I was shell shocked but I snapped out of it and dressed more quickly than I had ever in my life.

English class was torturous because Rachel had decided to sit in front of me toward the back of the class and that meant that she could swing her very scantily clad legs every which way just to cruelly torture me with the sight of her long, toned legs while I couldn't use a second sense to take it in with, in other words I could not touch her legs without people noticing me being a creepy looking person by kneeling down near her just to touch her very beautiful legs. She was playing a very dangerous game with me and it caused me to focus on nothing but her legs which meant that I was not paying attention to a single word the teacher was saying to our class or the fact that everyone had been reading a story that we were going to end up answering questions to. Darn Rachel for being such a sly, oh so very sexy, vixen. She was purposely torturing me with her toned legs and the sex appeal that was just radiating from her. What made things worse was that someone in class chose for me to read next and I had no idea where we were at and I had to say that I lost my place in the reading and I didn't say that it was all Rachel's fault. Rachel, for her part, had turned around and made a show of showing me _exactly_ where we had been. I would get my revenge sooner or later.

The rest of the day went on like this, with Rachel teasing, torturing was a much better fitting word for it, me unmercifully in every class we shared together. Very luckily for me the day had to end at some point.

She was moaning and groaning deliciously against me, her lips wide open for my tongue to gain entrance, my knee in between her legs, pressing against her secret place, her most sacred and special place. We found the auditorium to be empty so I decided to take advantage of the large and very vacant space. I was pressing my knee gently against her as I ground my body against hers in a challenging way. After a few minutes of this I pulled away, much to her protest, and left her there with an ache I knew had to be between her legs. "I'm going to go talk to my cousin now. I'll see you later Rachel!" And with that I was walking off but Rachel's voice and footsteps both caught up to me.

"And just what was that Quinn Fabray?" She asked me, a beautifully passionate fire burning in her eyes. "I _teased_ you today. I wasn't leaving you hanging like you just did to me! That is so _very_ unfair of you Quinn. I only teased you today because … because," and then she faltered.

I needed to know what had caused her to act this way today behind all of the layers of teasing and slightly torturous acts. "Just tell me what it is baby. I won't judge you for whatever it might be. I promise you I won't. Just tell me why you were acting so strangely today." She was looking at the floor and I moved so that I was standing in front of her and I cupped her chin with my fingers. "Please talk to me my adorable and cuddly teddy bear, my Rachel Berry." I forced her to look at me when she continued to look at the ground because I knew she couldn't resist me when she looked me in the eyes like she was now that I had her chin tilted up.

"It … it … it's nothing really … it's just very silly. You'll … you'll laugh at me for it Quinn!" She said defiantly. I shook my head and reassured her once again that I would not laugh at her or ridicule her in any way. I finally got the answer I was looking for. "It's just … I was still so … wired from earlier and I just couldn't seem to get the image of you with that fiery passion out of my head. I was … I just couldn't help but want you to feel just as … just as tempted … just as turned on as I was after what happened in the pool. I just wanted you to see how much I want you for defending me so bravely earlier. Even after all of the time I spent dating Finn he had never once stood up for me no matter what the situation was. He would always just stand around and laugh or shrug it off when someone was rude, petty, immature, or cruel to me in some way and it just … it was so … so hot to watch you defend me over someone looking at me indecently. I just … I think I fell in love with you just a little harder because of it." And just like that we were kissing again.

Even though I felt bad for spending more time with Rachel now over my cousin, not that we didn't see each other and I was ignoring her completely or anything like that, I decided that talking to my cousin could wait a little longer since Rachel and I were busy having an unscheduled make out session.

I am so sorry this took so much longer to get out than the other chapters but I had such a busy week I barely had any time for typing at all. Just for the fact that I wasn't able to post this chapter up until now I made it slightly longer than usual. It is now a little passed 4 AM but that's what a dedicated author does; stay up until very late hours typing a new chapter.

姫宮光る


	18. Proud

Chapter 18

Proud

"So … what you're telling me is that you and this Rachel girl are dating and you want me to know because you want me to help you with gauging whether or not you should tell your mother and if that scenario ends up happening you want me to help with telling her if you think she'll take it well." I nodded fervently. We were in our park on our bench, just talking things out. "What if things don't go well Quinn? What then? I don't want to see you getting kicked out of the only home you know and a life, the _only_ life you've ever known, you're been living with your mother no matter how strained it might be. I know that things with your mother haven't always been … easy or good but she's still your mother no matter how you feel about it … I know that it will be even harder for you to leave something, somewhere you've always known. It's like telling a dog to speak English all of a sudden … the dog can't because it's incapable of human speech. You can't just live with someone else because how can you live with anyone else when you've been living with your mother since you were born. The simple answer is that you can't. I don't want you to find that all of that has changed within a few minutes, hours, days, weeks, or months even from now because of something that you have no control over. You're in love with a girl who is good for you, a perfect match in all respects and opposite of you in some ways, but your mother might not see it that way, she might see her as an abomination … a terrible influence because then both of you will be heading to hell in her mind if she doesn't take it the right way. Quinn, are you sure about this? I … I only want what's best for you not just because you're my cousin but also because I care about you and I want what's best for you and for Rachel too by extension. She seems like a great girl, very kind and _very_ in love with you. I don't want anything to happen to either of you." Her voice was imploring and I knew she only wanted what was best for both Rachel and me.

"I … she's been a lot kinder and gentler ever since … ever since I tried to kill myself back toward the end of November." I never told her this yet and she gasped in surprise at hearing the soft, barely audible admission. "I … I couldn't talk about this before even though I wanted to tell you because it was … it was just so hard. I … when I tried I wouldn't have made it if it hadn't been for one person … if it hadn't been for Rachel finding me in my house I would have … I wouldn't have survived … I would have died that night without her." I paused … just stopped because it was hard to breathe all of a sudden. I couldn't catch my breath and I clutched at my chest painfully, tightly as I sought out my purse with the other hand.

"Quinn? Quinn are you okay?" Hollyanne asked with panic in her voice. I shook my head as I struggled to get my throat and lungs to work properly, to take in the oxygen necessary for me to live, necessary for me to breathe. "What is it? What's happening to you Quinn?" I just shook my head unable to speak. Finally my hand found the inhaler I had been looking for in my purse. I shook it before putting it into my mouth and pumping once … twice and I was fine. "You have asthma Quinn? I … I had no idea you had asthma! Why didn't you tell me?" She was looking at me incredulously because it truly came as a shock to her because why would she suspect such a thing when I was a cheerleader to start with and I had a coach you ran drills like it was breathing for human beings and not just that but I also sang in Glee and we had dance numbers too. It must have been hard for her to imagine because of how much stress it was for someone who had asthma.

"Well … it helps me when I use my inhaler before performances and then if I become too winded I take a pump or two after as needed. It's really not that bad. I have mild asthma so it depends on the situation how bad an attack will be. I honestly didn't think to tell you because I never had reason to until now. Anyways back to our original topic. I just want to say that … Rachel … she's so wonderful, so beautiful and amazing in so many ways. I can't imagine things getting any better than they are now because things are just going so well between us. I don't want to feel as if I have to hide this part of me, this side of me, from my mother for the rest of my life because I love her no matter what she says and does. She's not always been the kindest woman in the world but she's still my mother and I want her to be a part of my life even if some of the things she's done don't exactly add up to being the best mother in the world. I want her to know me, to love me for everything I am, for … for who I love too." I paused there, just reflecting what I had just said to her. It felt so right yet so wrong because no matter how strongly I felt for Rachel it was almost shameful of me to hide from my mother so I wanted to show Rachel that I wasn't ashamed of her being my girlfriend. I wanted to show the pride I had in being with her so I had to do something more than hide her like a dirty secret. I wanted there to be so much more for us. Coming out to my mother would be a prime example of it after all.

Holly looked like she was just digesting it all and taking it all in slowly, meticulously careful of all the details. It was like she wanted to take it all in so she could truly consider all of the options seriously, carefully. I was glad for my cousin's sincerity with situation and how well she was taking it all, especially my confession. It was one of the hardest things I had ever had the displeasure of disclosing to someone who was easily becoming one of the closest family members in my entire life despite the fact that I had known her for the shortest amount of time compared to all of my other well acquainted family members. At this point we'd only known each other for five weeks and yet her opinion and word mattered to me almost as much as my mother's did to me. I held her in extremely high regard despite the short amount of time we'd actually known and spent with each other. She felt like a true family member I could count on and talk to about any and all of my problems with without fear of being judged harshly for a clash of beliefs.

"So … what I'm getting from you is that you care deeply for your mother even though she's made mistakes and done and said some things she can never take back because of how hurtful and heartbreaking they were but … you still want her in your life. You want your mother to know about this side of you because it's the one thing you hide from her, the only secret you keep from her, correct?" I nodded slowly but surely. There was a small pause as she most likely collected her thoughts to continue speaking. "Okay so from my understanding you love Rachel and you're proud of your love and you want to let everyone know that she's your girl and that you two are happily dating, your mother included in this bubble. The only roadblock however is that your mother is a very … religious person who comes from the same denomination your father did which is a bigot church full of … some very vocal and enthusiastic church goers. The only reason you haven't been to the same church is because your mother doesn't want to see your father and you've been going to a different church, as I remember you telling me during one of our talks in the park. I have to say … this is a very difficult situation and it seems like you've been walking on eggshells around your mother, hiding, carefully thinking and keeping yourself in check when it comes to wording and how you say things for fear of our mother finding out about this one secret. Well not just one secret but the biggest secret you've ever had to keep." I nodded in agreement. She sighed, "I don't know if I can do anything for you because your mother might not even know me, might not even know I exist, at all. What I can do is … well what you can do to start off is you can maybe introduce her to me as a cousin you were introduced to during the beginning of the semester which is the truth and that should be a good indicator of what your mother does and doesn't know."

"Okay … yeah … I can … I can do that for sure Holly. I … what if … what if she gets … suspicious or-or worse what if she does know about you and the reason she knows is because she knows that your father is bisexual andl with a gay man? Oh my god!" I was practically hyperventilating by this point. That was when something unexpected happened. My eyes were covered by someone and then a voice I almost recognized spoke.

"Guess who I am correctly and you will be rewarded for it." I knew the voice was familiar but whoever it was, was disguising their voice by deepening it. But then I recognized the feel of soft, warm hands and I knew who it was immediately. I decided to play along though for just a moment.

"And what might my reward be for guessing correctly Miss Stranger?" I said keeping a straight face and inflection from my voice.

There was a pause before she answered, "Your reward for guessing correctly is a surprise," she said against my ear and she was giving herself up in so many ways, just by being gentle and being so comfortable and intimate with me she gave herself away.

"I knew you were you the moment I recognized your touch, baby. So what are you doing here so late in the afternoon Rachel? I thought you had your walks earlier on in the day?" She giggled and pulled her hands away from my eyes and leaned in for what was meant to be a quick peck but I pulled her in for a solid kiss before allowing her to pull away. When she pulled away she slapped at my shoulder lightly and I just smiled in response, not at all embarrassed about it. I was proud of her and I wanted her to know that I wasn't afraid to show her affection in public. "Hi beautiful," I whispered softly against her lips. We just looked at each other and time seemed to stand still, frozen in this moment.

"Hi buttercup," she whispered back just as softly, her voice full of adoration. Our foreheads were pressed together in an intimate way and our eyes were locked in an embrace that spoke a language that no one else knew. I was proud of this; proud of what was going on between us, proud of our love. We just continued to look at each other until Holly cleared her throat loudly to get our attention and then my gaze shifted over to look at her.

"Yes?" I asked when she looked at the both of us with, an amused look on her face.

"Nothing … it's just … well," she was trying very hard to keep the amusement out of her voice but she was failing miserably. "You were both just so lost in your world Rachel didn't answer any of the questions you asked her and I thought I should … keep you both on track … that's all." She managed to keep her face straight this time and not crack up after a word or two … but it was still obvious that she was far too amused by the current situation: her bursting the bubble that was wrapped comfortably around our little world. "Well Rachel, what are you doing here so late in the afternoon as opposed to your usual routine much earlier on in the day on this fine Saturday afternoon?" She asked, her voice still showing how gleeful she was still. She had a very small, subtle smirk from the quirk of her lips but it was still visible to me.

"Oh, I had an earlier ballet class than usual today so I had to jog later than my routine allows." I knew about her ballet classes but I had no idea what time throughout the days she had them were. I didn't even know what days she had them either but now I knew that she had classes on Saturday later on in the day usually. "So what brings the two of you here Quinn?" And our eyes were locked again intimately. After several silent moments someone clearing their throat could be heard through all of the white noise that came from others in the background became apparent again and reality struck truer than it had only a moment before. Reality finally caught up to me when I had become lost in a world so wonderful … when I had become lost in my world full of Rachel.

My cousin cleared her throat again before prompting me to answer Rachel's question. "Well, Quinn, are you going to answer your girlfriend's question?" She asked with a slight smirk on her face, purely enjoying this as a third party bystander though she was much more than that in this situation.

"Huh? Oh … right." I had momentarily forgotten that Rachel had even asked me a question because I had become so lost in her familiar, warm brown orbs. "Oh … um, okay, I was just asking my cousins advice about something and we were discussing possible ways to solve this problem. Well … my question to her was whether or not I should … figuratively come out of the closet to my mother knowing that she is an absolutely pious woman who attended the same church my scum for a father did. We attend a different church now to avoid him but that's beside the point. The reason I'm so uncertain is because she, at one point or another, carried the same values and morals my father did about what it means to be a good, faithful, and practicing Christian and one of the top ten things is not being gay. A close second to that one is to not have any gay friends or accept gay people in your life as a general principle amongst those … 'pious' church-goers. I don't … I don't know if my mother's view is the same way or not to be honest because we've never discussed these things because neither of us have ever really had to broach that subject considering my older sister is happily married to a man and I've dated Finn Hudson. I don't … know if it is a bad idea or not because they've mentioned it in passing, how opposed they are to homosexuals but … never has the thought occurred to them that any family member might turn out to be that themselves. It's a very difficult and delicate situation I'm in right now and I don't have an easy answer for it at all." I sighed looked away from her concerned gaze in favor of looking at my hands as I covered my eyes with the palm of my hands. I was stressed out about this, severely stressed out to the point I hadn't been sleeping well again. I felt a warm hand on my shoulder and felt the other wrap around my front in a loose but comforting, gentle, reassuring hug. I felt myself relax just a little bit under her tender touch.

"I don't know what to say or do to make you feel better about your situation Quinn … but what I can tell you is that no matter what happens you can talk to me and you can be sure that I will listen and respect you in every way. You can always say what is on your mind and never worry about what I will say because I will always say what I believe to be true and what will help ease you best because I want what's best for you. I will never judge you and I will never try to hurt you for any reason. I will always be on your side no matter what happens, Quinn. And if you ever feel unsafe for whatever reason … or if you are hurt you have my number so you can call me if you ever need me for whatever reason it might be … whether you are hurt or just upset I will be here for you, always." I felt always special and loved when Rachel spoke this way, in such a tender and loving way. I never felt more adored than when she treated me like I was something fragile, someone to be handled gently, with care. "Please tell me you know this?" She whispered softly, gently.

"I know, Rachel, I know." I had never been more sincere about a statement like this in my entire life. I'd faked an image of happiness before, I faked it so no one could watch me as I broke little by little but with Rachel I had never had any reason to fake even an ounce of happiness or the countenance of such a thing. It was always genuine with her and almost effortless despite how sad and wretched the other parts of my life could be. I could be distraught and ready to break down but just seeing her smiling at me, it made everything seem so small and not as dimming in the grand scheme of things. Rachel had that kind of effect on me; it was like just seeing her no matter how distressed I was, like no matter how bad things were things would turn out okay just because she was there with me, soothing me like nothing else can. I was so lost in my thoughts I didn't notice that at some point she had sat down next to me and was holding my hand in hers. Because I didn't care about what others thought I leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to her lips whispering, "I love you," against those soft, supple lips, lips that drove me crazy with such want and need. When I pulled back I saw that she had a dazed look in her eyes and a slightly dopy smile on her face. It amazed me that I had this kind of effect on her because it was like … a miracle that she felt this way about me, felt this strongly about me. It was only natural for me to love her like this but to see that Rachel was so in love with me left me breathless with surprise sometimes. "I'm so in love you with you Rachel." I whispered for her ears alone. She pushed her head into the crook of my neck in response and left a secret kiss there.

"You are so unbelievably adorable and you have quite the silver tongue Quinn Fabray." There was another pause before she pressed another, softer, kiss to my neck and she let out a sigh, "do you even know how beautiful you are to me? I'm not just talking about your beauty on the outside … I'm talking about all of your inner beauty. You are so beautiful to me, so amazing and wonderful." I felt a sliver of doubt niggling in the back of my mind reminding me of how untrue that was to me, how dubious the statement seemed to my ears because of how horribly I had treated her last year because of my confusion. I shook my head gently against her.

"Ahem … just so you two know I'm still here and as adorable as the two of you are in your own little world over there, there are still others present who you might not want to act so lovey-dovey around … meaning your classmates, the gossipy boy … uh Jacob Ben Israel … I think his name is." I didn't want to move apart from her but at the mention of the disgusting boy Rachel slowly, reluctantly left my neck only to hold my hand a little tighter just to reassure me and I felt reassured by the small action that spoke volumes, mountains. "Luckily for you two he didn't get a chance to take any pictures or worse film you two yet but for now I think it would be best if neither of you did anything that you don't want others to see and gossip about, especially in case they gossip about it at home." She said, worry evident in her voice. And then I remembered something.

"Rachel don't you have to go home soon? You were jogging before you saw me and stopped to talk to both of us … well mostly me but yeah." I ended awkwardly, typical of me.

"Oh yeah! That's right I have to get going now back to the other side of the park where I had started my jog. Quinn you are going to get me fat if you keep distracting me like this!" She said a mischievous twinkle in her eyes as she spoke. "One day when I'm fat I'll have you to blame for it because you are _so_ distracting Quinn. I'll cry that day because I won't be able to perform on Broadway anymore because of you. And then the next thing I know you won't want me anymore because I got fat! I'll cry and cry and you won't ever come back to me again!" She said dramatically, humorously. I couldn't help the giggle that escaped me which soon turned into pealing laughter. I could hear my cousin laughing too in response to Rachel's melodramatic dialogue. "What are you two laughing about? I am _so_ serious about this! I don't want Quinn to leave me because I got fat because she keeps distracting me from my exercise! It's a legitimate concern." I could hear the slight pout in her voice and it made it all the funnier.

"No … it's not a legitimate concern because I'll be with you through everything, all of it. I will never leave you because I love you too much, I'm so in love with you it would be a crime for me to ever leave you because of something like that, but I highly doubt you would ever get fat anyways. You're too perfect for that to ever happen, my cuddly teddy bear." I believed every word I spoke to be the truth.

We were getting lost in each other again but my cousin stopped that immediately, "don't kiss all right. I know those looks and Ben is going to catch you both if you aren't careful." She said urgently, slightly panicked by our subtle shift in positions so that we were closer to each other, leaning in almost. We shifted back little by little so that it wasn't an abrupt change, something that would indicate that we were aware of how our body position looked, showing a guilty or rather a caught vibe to anyone watching us carefully, with scrutiny. "That's better," she whispered.

"I really should get going Quinn," her hand squeezed mine gently before she stood up, hand still holding mine, and pulled me up with her. There was a pouting smile on her face as she looked down at our hands, still clasped together happily. "I don't want to go but my fathers are expecting me home soon." She was looking right into my eyes and I couldn't help the shivers that ran through my body from feeling the silent caress of her eyes on me. She broke it when she blinked and in that single second she pulled me against her in an innocent looking hug, but truly it was a passionate embrace between lovers, between both of us. "Bye Quinn," she whispered softly. "I'll see you later." And she pressed another secret kiss into my neck, one that Ben Jacob Israel definitely could not see from where he was standing, and he was trying to look at us both slyly but he was being so obvious about it at the same time. With that she pulled away, gave my hand one last squeeze, and then she was gone. I watched her jog away until I couldn't see her anymore and then I looked over to where my cousin who had been sitting on the bench looking after her form as well until she was gone and then she was looking at me with sympathetic eyes.

"You two were meant to be together, I can tell." She said sincerely, truthfully.

Gee (English version by CuteGirlLoveKpop)

Uh-huh

Listen girl

My first love story

My angel and my girls

My sunshine

Finding just the right touch

Rushing, am I too much?

Don't tell me it's just a simple crush

Gee, gee, gee, gee

Baby, baby, baby, baby

Gee, gee, gee, gee

Baby, baby, baby, baby oh

Don't know how to take this

Both my knees are shaking

You just got get this together girl

Gee, gee, gee, gee

Baby, baby, baby, baby

Gee, gee, gee, gee

Baby, baby, baby, baby

How do I confirm?

How do I even start?

And say the things I want

To go on until (every, every, every)

Every time she's here these

Butterflies keep fluttering inside

I didn't think it would be hard like this

Being caught in this eternal bliss

Pabo* I'm such a fool for falling hard

My desire that won't fade away

(No, no, no, no)

Is the sweet flavor that I'll always crave

(Oh, oh, oh, oh)

I get so flustered when she walks my way

Gee, gee, gee, gee

I can't get enough (oh yeah)

I'm so in love (oh yeah, yeah, yeah)

Oh never in my life

Thought I would find the right one

Capturing my heart

She's got the right touch

Gee, gee, gee, gee

Baby, baby, baby, baby

Gee, gee, gee, gee

Baby, baby, baby, baby

Melting from her smiles

Her eyes are getting me so hungry

For the themes of love I crave for

Gee, gee, gee, gee

Baby, baby, baby, baby

Gee, gee, gee, gee

Baby, baby, baby, baby

Only she could say

Anything that she wanted

To take my breath away

And leaving me so breathless (every, every, every)

Every time she's close

These burning feelings rise on my cheeks

I never knew that it would come to this

So caught up in this eternal bliss

Pabo so I'm a fool for falling hard

My desire that won't fade away

(No, no, no, no)

Is the sweet flavor that I'll always crave

(Oh, oh, oh, oh)

I get so flustered when she walks my way

Gee, gee, gee, gee

I can't get enough (oh yeah)

I'm so in love (oh yeah, yeah, yeah)

Like a dream in my sleep

So unreal but I know that it's there

(Oh whoa oh, oh whoa oh yeah)

Warmer than rays of the sun

Softer than caress of the wind

Putting on a cloud with wings

From your swing in heaven

(Ah ha~) My desire that won't fade away

(No, no, no, no)

Is the sweet flavor that I'll always crave

(Oh, oh, oh, oh)

I get so flustered when she walks my way

Gee, gee, gee, gee

I can't get enough (oh yeah)

I'm so in love (oh yeah, yeah, yeah)

My desire that won't fade away

(No, no, no, no)

Is the sweet flavor that I'll always crave

(Oh, oh, oh, oh)

I get so flustered when she walks my way

Gee, gee, gee, gee

I can't get enough (oh yeah)

I'm so in love (oh yeah, yeah, yeah)

I sat in numb disbelief as my sweetheart, my love, sang this sweet song to me, about me, about how she felt for me, about me. I was just in awe that she had written yet another song to express her feelings for me and it was this sweet song about how I was her first love and about how she felt when she was around me, whenever I walked her way. She became flustered whenever I walk her way and about how she was so in love with me. It really was one of the sweetest love songs I had ever heard in my life and considering how many love songs came on, on the radio there were a lot of songs to compare this one song to but for me none of those songs meant the same thing because they weren't the same expression of love like how Rachel was expressing herself to me; someone who became flustered around the one they love most. It really was so sweet of her to write this for me and I found my heart beating even faster, pounding loudly in my chest, as I maintained eye contact with her as she danced about the room and then to me several times throughout the song. This was a song dedicated to me and it was dedicated solely to me making me feel a rush throughout my entire body. She had Santana, Brittany, Tina, and Mercedes backing her up throughout the song as well, making the song that much more romantic.

When she was done she walked back to her seat next to me and before she could sit down I pulled her down onto my lap instead of allowing her to sit on the seat next to me and I gave her a sound kiss on the lips before pulling away from her slowly. I could hear whoops and cat calls in the background being made by Puck and coos and awes from the girls in the club. And then I heard something that had my skin crawling in very unpleasant ways. "What the _fuck_ is going on Rachel?" His voice was full of fury and confusion, his face was red with anger and he was looking at me murderously. "Why are you sitting on _her_ lap and why was she kissing you and why were you kissing her back? What the _hell_ is this … this … _this?_" he asked stupidly, unable to formulate an articulate question for this particular scenario. I felt the hair rising on the back of my neck from hearing such a threatening tone come from him. I knew this was a very precarious situation and that this could take a turn for the worst. He might do something drastic because of what he just saw. "How long has this been going on?" He asked angrily, his face even redder than it had been only moments before. It was a little intimidating but because there were so many people in this room on our side I had little worry, little fear, that he would do something to me in response to his anger.

She didn't leave my lap as she spoke in response, she wrapped her arms around my neck as she spoke clearly, "Quinn and I have been dating for fifteen days today and we care for each other very deeply. We've only told the rest of the Glee Club because we know that everyone here only wants what's best for us and I don't know if you're a part of that anymore Finn." I had never quite felt this kind of feeling before. It was a strange mix of turned on and grateful. Rachel was defending me and though I'd had others defend me before, Santana and Brittany, I'd never been defended by someone who loved me the way she did.

"I'm proud of being with Rachel Finn, so unlike you. The entire time you were with her you never really did anything to make her feel special and it was like she was a secret girlfriend when you weren't around the other glee members. It was like she was a dirty secret to everyone else in this school. Jacob Ben Israel didn't even know that you two were dating until he saw you holding her hand in Glee Club Finn. You are just bad at pretending to even care and the only reason Rachel stayed with you for as long as she did was because she didn't know there was this side to you and she really wanted to make things work out with you. She just wanted to believe that you cared more than you really did because you were all she had Finn. She has friends but you were supposed to be more than just another friend to her, you were supposed to be her _boyfriend_ but you couldn't even do that for her. You should just leave both of us alone because you're a jerk, a bully, a selfish child. We're happily dating and I'm proud to be with someone as wonderful as Rachel whereas you didn't want anything to do with her unless you were in Glee Club Finn." I was mad, upset, irate, and livid because Finn had the nerve to act this way toward the both of us. "We don't need a loser like you bursting our bubble."

Finn ignored me completely and looked straight at Rachel. "What is _wrong_ with you Rachel? Are you trying to make me jealous because you think I cheated on you? Is this what this is all about Rachel?" He was furious and his face turned even redder still somehow in his anger. "You are so pathetic if this is your sick idea of trying to get back together with me Rachel! It's disgusting that you would want to be with a bitch like Quinn Fabray of all of the people in this entire school." I was feeling more and more pain in my chest to hear his awful thoughts, feelings, about me. It was like a knife was being jammed into my heart repeatedly and I didn't know how to stop the pain, the hurt, the throbbing that continued to ache with a resounding silent scream within my troubled mind. I'd never been insulted in such a way before and I most certainly didn't expect the once sweet seeming boy to be the one to turn out this way, be this way when no pretences were needed to pretend anymore. "You disgust me Rachel and especially you Quinn. You took her away from me by lying and now you're so pathetic you're pretending to be with her just so you can make me feel jealous."

"I love her Finn!" Rachel yelled emotionally, heatedly. "What can't you accept about that? Quinn and I are in love and you have nothing to do with me anymore Finn. You're just a sad, painful part of my past and that's all there is to it now, that's all you are now; my past. Quinn is my present and future. I know it, I can just tell that she is the one for me." She was gazing at me lovingly. "I love her," she whispered again just as softly, affectionately.

"I can't believe this! You are a dyke Rachel? You're one of those disgusting people? I … you turned her into someone disgustingly like you didn't you?" He was finally looking at me now. His stare was murderous and he had a crazy look in his eyes. "It's bad enough that you're around two of them all day now you are one with Quinn! What did you do to her you filthy dyke?" He was yelling angrily and he took a few steps into the room toward both of us.

"Hey! Cut it out Finnept! You're a sorry excuse for a guy because you're just pathetic, lying as if we will believe your word over what we saw and not just that either, you're also a sorry excuse for a human being with the way you snuck around two innocent girls and played with them like they were nothing more than toys to play with! If anything your fucking ass should burn in hell for your sins against Rachel and Regina you asshole! I want to fucking _murder_ you right now and the only reason I'm not kicking your ass right now is because Brittany is here and she doesn't want me to get in trouble for doing something to you. Honestly I want to say you're not worth the wasted effort but I really do want to smash your head against the ground and beat the hell out of you and I'm sure that I'm not the only one in this room who wants to hit you either. You're standing around yelling derogatory things and being a fucking asshole! And the reason you're being an asshole is because two girls you used to date are now dating each other? Well back the fuck off and get out of this room now!" Santana was more furious than I had ever seen her other than the time Finn had put his hands on me. Then she had to be held back by Brittany and some other guys in Glee but right now she was managing but barely at that.

"Dude, I'm your best friend but I don't even like you right now Finn. You're being a major douche bag right now and I don't think anyone in this room is on your side right now so just lay off and leave them alone because they're not doing anything wrong. You cheated and they _caught_ you so now you don't have a girlfriend. Big deal, just deal with it man. And not just that Finn they're in love with each other, which is hot by the way, and they're doing things right by each other, they're being honest with each other so you have no reason to be mad at either of them dude. Just chill and leave them alone. They don't need your shit man." It was surprising to hear Puck so angry at his best friend. He had never been mad at him before from what any of us knew and seeing him standing up defensively in front of Rachel and me was even more surprising though a pleasant surprise for sure. Mike stood up too.

"I don't understand what you are thinking Finn. You cheated and you hurt Rachel again and again. You never defended her once when she was being picked on by our so called football buddies. I defended her. I told them to stop when you just stood silent, laughed along with them, or shrugged. You were a horrible boyfriend to her and you never really did anything but make her feel unloved and terrible Finn. You probably only wanted her for one reason and it was the one thing she wouldn't give you even though you tried so hard to get it from her. You need to leave and stop causing a scene in the middle of our Glee practice which you are _not_ a part of anymore because you chose to be a bully and lay your hands on Quinn when she didn't even deserve your anger. She did right by Rachel by telling her about what you did and you did wrong by Rachel by doing what you did, by cheating on her like the jerk you are. So leave them alone Finn."

Sam stood next, "I will defend them too Finn. I'm on their side so you need to leave this room."

Finn advanced instead of listening to any of them and when he stopped he was standing face to face with Puck, looming over him slightly because he was just a few inches taller. "Move out of my way Puck." Each word was emphasized strongly, "I'm warning you Puck. Move now!" And with that he shoved Puck aside and pulled Rachel off of my lap and before I could even react to him his hands found my mine and he was holding me too tightly. "You bitch look at what you did!" He shouted only to let go when Puck punched him in the face to get him off of me. Finn's face was red for a different reason now, one that was not due to anger. The other guys came running from where they stood to hold Finn back while Puck yelled at Finn in his face, held back by Mr. Schuester.

"You are a _fucking asshole_ man. I thought you were better than this, I thought that you were a good guy but dude … I can't, I just _can't_ be friends with a major douche bag like you after what you just did to Quinn not for the first time but the second time. What the _hell_ is wrong with you man? You need to go cool it somewhere else because you're not even supposed to be in here right now. After school practice is reserved to club members and you're not one of us anymore. I don't know if you ever will be one of us or ever one of us to begin with because none of us are like you, a whining bitch. I regret calling you my best and ever thinking that you were cool. Just get out of here now Finn." He turned his back and Finn kicked him. Mr. Schuster had to hold Puck back from trying to get Finn back for kicking him.

"That's what you get, you ass wipe! I'll get you Quinn! I swear it I'm going to get you back you bitch!" Finn yelled as he was dragged, with much effort, out of the room by force by Sam and Mike who threw him on the ground outside with a loud thud that could be heard in the choir room due to its proximity to the doors leading to the parking lot. Finally after much persistence he left us all alone.

"Quinn, are you all right?" Mr. Schue asked. I didn't feel the pain due to the adrenaline rush from being held in a rough manner but now that that rush was gone I felt the throbbing present in both of my slightly bruised arms. I nodded looking down at the rapidly coloring handprints on my arms. "I will report him to Principal Figgins and he will deal with Finn personally. I am so sorry that he said all of those horrible things to you Quinn. Don't believe a word he said though. I … if I hadn't been in such shock I would have reacted more quickly but … I was frozen for some reason. I couldn't … I couldn't even protect you from him Quinn. I am so, so very sorry Quinn." And he looked it. "Rachel, will you please take Quinn to the nurse to have her arms checked out?" Rachel nodded and in a heartbeat she was standing over me, fussing over my bruised arms. She must have been frozen in shock too because she looked pale and stunned by the event that just transpired between Finn and the rest of us.

The second we were alone Rachel spoke up, "Quinn … I-I … I still, I can't … what … I," and she stopped trying to form incomplete sentences for a moment and she just took a deep breath before she exhaled heavily, "I can't believe he did what he did _again_. I don't know what I saw in him when we first started dating and I can't believe that I stayed with him for so many months until I found out he was cheating on me. I wasted so much time on him when he didn't even love me in the first place and then he … I'm just completely disgusted right now Quinn. I don't know why he's acting this way now but I should have known sooner not to trust a guy like him. He's despicable, he's just … a loser, a big bully now. I don't know why I didn't see it before … he just … he seemed so sweet then and now it's like, he's a completely different person. I … I don't think I can trust him at all anymore or even believe in him and anything he says. I have the worst taste in guys I guess. At least I have good taste in girls … well just one girl really, right Buttercup?" She said shyly looking at our clasped hands. "Well we need to go to the nurse's office so she can check your arms out and ice them so they aren't as bruised."

And so we made it into the nurse's office and explained the situation to her, leaving certain things out, and she was in disbelief over hearing what had taken place especially since she knew every student personally in this school in one way or another. She was incredulous that Finn would act in such a way especially since he had been caught as the cheater he was and I was not at fault for his break up with Rachel because I didn't force him to cheat on Rachel with another girl. In fact it had absolutely nothing to do with me because I didn't even know I would catch him cheating so blatantly. She let me sit on one of the comfortable beds in the room reserved for sick girls and Rachel helped me apply ice to both of my bruised arms. And then something unexpected happened.

"Chloe, are still on for tonight? I– Quinn?" She sounded confused and I looked up and saw that she was standing in the doorway where the waiting area was for the nurse's office since there was only one nurse and so many students who needed her help. "Wha—what … what happened to you?" And she walked over to me immediately.

"It's … well … uh, an incident occurred and … here I am Holly. It's nothing to worry about, just a little bruising." I didn't really want to tell her what had happened in front of the nurse who was apparently Chloe Takagawa, a woman of Japanese descent. I knew that my cousin would understand if I at least told her that I would talk to her about it some other day, "I'll tell you what happened some other day since right now I'm just … too worn out to talk about it … I'm still … trying to digest it all to be honest." She nodded her head silently in acceptance.

I had a bad feeling, a really bad feeling, that something terrible was about to happen. I don't know what it was that made me feel that way but I just had this feeling, this horrible feeling, that something was awful was about to happen, going to happen. I kept getting goosebumps on my arms and I kept feeling shivers running through my body like a warning, like a siren calling out to me to warn me about the dangers if I didn't do something to stop it from happening, like run away. This dreadful feeling wouldn't go away no matter what I did and my feeling of dread kept growing stronger and stronger the closer it got to the end of my mother's work shift and it just wouldn't go away, it kept festering and it became intimidating. It was disconcerting to feel so much dread flowing through me. I was scared of what was to come next and I decided that instead of waiting in dread I should call Rachel talk to her to calm my shot nerves.

"_Hello? Quinn? What's up?" _She asked me brightly.

"Rachel? I—I'm … I don't know why but … I have a bad feeling for some reason … it's like … there's this feeling of dread that keeps growing and I feel … I think that something bad is going to happen for some reason. I don't know why I'm feeling this way but I am and I just … I can't get it to stop. I can't make it go away for some reason and I thought … well I thought that talking to you might help calm me down and … well you were the first person I thought to talk to."

"_Quinn? What's wrong? You were talking a bit quickly but from what I gathered you have a horrible feeling about something happening but you don't know why you're feeling this way … right? I don't know what's wrong Quinn? Maybe you're just feeling anxious because of what happened earlier today with Finn. Just calm down and I'll be right there Quinn. I'm coming over okay?"_ She spoke soothingly and I couldn't help the rush of feelings that went through me.

"Thank you Rachel. Do you know how much I love you? A whole ridiculous lot of course." I sighed happily into the phone and I could hear her giggling on the other side of the phone.

"_I love you too buttercup. I'm coming over now so I'm going to hang up now okay?_ She said softly.

"Okay even though I don't want to hang up yet. I love talking to you but then again hanging up means that you'll get here faster and that means that I'll be able to talk to you in person and … I can hold you in my arms too." Rachel giggled again on the other line and I noticed that she seemed to do that whenever she was feeling shy about something, especially when I was around.

"_Quinn … stop being so cute! You're making me blush because of how sweet you are and you're so adorable Quinn."_ Her voice was like a soft caress, a whispering touch against my ear. _"Okay I'm coming over now so … I need to hang up Quinn._" She whispered softly into the phone.

"Okay." And she hung up after whispering a soft 'I love you' to me. "I love you too." And then I heard something that made my heart jump and speed up sporadically. My mother was home and that feeling of dread came back tenfold. It was even worse than it had been before. The phone call with Rachel had served as a short distraction from the feelings, the awful feeling, that had been building within me ever since I came home and the knowledge that Finn might do something drastic had been plaguing me. It was almost unbearable feeling something so disconcerting something so terribly strong. It made my heart jump and beat faster than I cared for it to beat.

I could just tell that whatever happened next I wouldn't like it at all. I knew that it wasn't likely going to be something I would ever want to remember.

So here's the long awaited chapter. I apologize for the long wait but I let my older sister play my Sims 3 game on my laptop for about a week and so that really pushed back my writing. I know I'm evil to come back only to leave everyone with a cliff hanger but I hope that at least quenches the thirst and this is one of the longer chapters for this story too.^^ Happy reading everyone and please leave a review. It was hard writing this chapter because not many people are leaving their thoughts in reviews. Oh and if it offends anyone I'm sorry for the heavy language in this chapter.

姫宮光る


	19. Choke

Chapter 19

Choke

It started with a single sound, the ringing of a doorbell. I came down the stairs and opened the door and it was the worst mistake of my life. I couldn't believe what was happening to me right now. I had never experienced anything like this before. It all just happened so quickly. Before I even knew what was going on I was being pressed against a wall and there were hands surrounding my neck in a tight grip I couldn't get myself out of no matter how hard I was struggling, trying to pry the strong grip from these powerful hands. I was gasping almost immediately and then I started wheezing from being breathless. "C-c-c-c-c-c-c – hih …" I couldn't even get a single word out as I wheezed, gasped for air. What made everything worse was that I knew exactly who my attacker was, the person assaulting me.

"You little slut! Guess who I talked to today? I can't believe you would disgrace me like this. I knew leaving you with your whore of a mother was a bad idea. She's been teaching you some interesting things Quinn." I finally managed to do something that distracted him from his tight grip on my neck. I used my knee to hit his crotch and he bowled over in pain and grabbed at his crotch in response to the heavy blow against him. I ran up the stairs despite the fact that I couldn't breathe at all. My throat was throbbing in pain but I couldn't feel it because of the adrenaline rush. I ran into my room and was glad for the fact that I kept my baseball bat from softball practice from my younger years when I still played and then I ran to my inhaler only to find that the one in my purse was empty. _Not now of all times! Damn it!_

"I'm going to get you, you little slut! How dare you hit your own father you bitch?" I could hear shuffling and I knew that he was moving around to see where I ran to hide from him. I went to my desk to find my other inhaler and this one still had medicine in it which I was thankful for. I had to calm myself down. I went to the door and pressed my ear against it to hear what was going on, on the other side and I could tell that he hadn't made it very far up the stairs yet so he wouldn't be able to see me if I ran to a different room. I thought about it and I figured that it would be better if I hid next to the top of the stairwell to surprise him with my trustworthy bat in hand. "You'll wish you were never born when I'm through with you!" He yelled loudly as he limped up the stairs slowly, clutching at his crotch and leaning heavily against the banister. "I'm going to get you!"

I controlled my breathing as I could hear him drawing ever closer to where I was. I peeked over the wall and saw the back of his body going up the stairs still slowly, as quietly as possible. I moved my head back quickly to make sure he wouldn't see me. The moment seemed to drag on forever. I continued to control my breathing for fear of being caught by him before he even made it up here. I stood as the seconds seemed to tick by ever so slowly and I stood in anxious anticipation. I don't think time could have slowed down any more if it wanted to because it was going by so slowly, as if each second was actually a minute in length. I stood in trepidation until I heard him stop and moved from my spot hidden next to stairwell and took true aim and slammed the bat against his body hard and he crumpled to the floor this time. He howled in pain and he started falling down the stairs. I went back into my room and called 911 on my cell phone.

"_Hello this is 911 what is your emergency?"_ A female voice said the moment she picked up the call.

"I … I—I w-was … assaulted … b-by m-my f-father." I took a pause. Though I wasn't having an asthma attack it was difficult for me to speak and breathe because my father had just choked me and my throat felt like it had something stuck inside of it though I knew that it wasn't the case. "H-he a-a-and … my m-mother are d-d-d-divorced but he … c-came here t-t-to k-k-kill me. I-I'm at … th-the … a-a-address … f-f-five eighty-four W-w-warren D-d-d-drive in L-l-l-lima, Oh-h-hio. … Please hurry!" I whispered urgently, bat still in hand as I spoke and looked about nervously, trying to listen for any sign of him.

"_Help is on the way ma'm. A police dispatch is on their way to you now. Please remain calm and try to stay safe while you wait."_ She said calmly into the phone.

"Thank you." I whispered, my voice cracking between the two words.

"_You're welcome. We're here to make sure people are safe every day. It's not just part of a job for me; it's what I want to do for others."_ She said and I could hear emotion in her voice. It seemed like she was worried about me. _"Please stay hidden from him while the police dispatch come so you are not injured anymore than you already are ma'm. Would you like me to stay on the line while you wait for the police dispatch to arrive at your residence ma'm?"_ Her voice was so genuine with emotion.

Though my door was locked I was still worried about what might happen in the time it took the police to arrive at my house and so through my wheezing breaths I answered her, "yes. Please … stay with me … even if … even if you don't … say anything to me … I'd rather have this silence … than the deafening silence of fear." And I was scared, I was terrified completely so.

"_I understand, ma'm. I will stay on this line for as long as you need me to ma'm."_ As devastated and terrified as I was I had manners and I was truly grateful for her for offering to stay on the line with me while I waited for help to arrive, for someone to rescue me.

"Thank you," I choked softly into the phone. And then the waiting game truly started. That was when it happened, there was banging. He was banging against my door with what seemed to be his full body weight. Loud thuds punctuated the otherwise silent night and then his screaming accompanied the loud pounding noise that was his body making contact with my door.

"You little slut! I'm going to break this door down and kill you! Do you hear me? Once I break this door down I'm going to choke that pretty little neck of yours you little bitch of a child. I will get you, you filthy, disgusting thing even if I have to break my bones against this door to get to you bitch!" Obscenities I'd never heard come out of his mouth before became a common occurrence this dark, terrifying night full of disturbance from what appeared to be a drunken man who was no longer the father I once knew and loved once upon a time. "How dare you disgrace me the way you have you dyke? I can't believe your mother allowed you to become such a filthy little whore like this! You're not my daughter you vile thing, now open this door for me … NOW!" He yelled angrily through the closed door saving me from him and his craziness. "Let me in god damn it!" I stayed silent afraid of letting him know that I was on the other side of the door though it was apparent that he knew that I was on the other side of the door. The door was finally giving way to his powerful blows to it because I could see the crack forming in the middle of the door was any indication it looked like it was about to break open and it terrified me to no end. I was hyperventilating, breathing heavily for some time before I started struggling to breathe.

"_Ma'm, ma'm are you all right? What's happening?"_ I could hear her voice as I grabbed my inhaler and pumped once and then I forced myself to calm down to prevent another attack from me stressing my lungs out.

"Yes, yes I'm all right I just have asthma. I had an attack due to my fear and hyperventilating agitated my lungs into having an attack. I … I fear it seems that he is about to break the door open," I was whispering because I feared him realizing that I was on the phone and not just that alone but if he heard me he would know that I had called someone on him and he might run away. "I can't speak anymore, he might hear me." And with that I went to hide in my large closet, knowing that he wouldn't be able to find me as easily this way because he would have to look through my very sizable closet with many opportunities to hide. I brought the bat with me into the closet to my hiding spot amongst dresses that all reached the floor. I locked my phone and put it in my pocket so she could still hear what was going on even if we weren't communicating with each other. Loud thudding could be heard before it stopped and the sound of something heavy thudding against the floor could be heard and his screaming voice followed.

"I'm going to get you now you filthy dyke! I'm going to make you wish you had never been born you disgusting, vile whore of a daughter of mine!" There was only one moment of silence before he spoke again, "come out wherever you're hiding you now little bitch." I stood, crouching slightly, with bated breath as I heard his quiet footsteps moving around the room and the not quite silent sound of him moving things around in the room in his search for me to finish what he had set out to do; kill his youngest child, me. If I thought that things had been terrifying earlier, things were much worse for me now. I had nothing to distract me from this frightening man's impending search for me. My senses seemed to be heightened due to the adrenaline rush from the fear of discovery which was imminent. Blood was rushing through my veins, pounding loudly in my ears, my heart was pounding loudly against my chest, I could feel every breath weighing heavily against my lungs. It was nerve wrecking to feel everything so acutely, so much so that it felt like sensory overload to me.

I tried to keep my breathing calm and I tried to concentrate on that alone so that I wouldn't start hyperventilating again which would lead to another asthma attack too soon after two had just occurred only moments before. It was nerve wrecking, it was terrifying, it was heart pounding, it was blood rushing, gut wrenching, indescribable, horror filled tenseness that seemed to just radiate and accumulate in the air as I listened for any sign of movement from him, scared that at any moment she would be discovered and hurt even more viciously than before. I controlled my breathing, keeping my breaths soft, slow, and steady for the sake of myself not becoming even more injured than I already was. It was a quiet night but every step he took was thunderous to me, noisy and alerting me to his every move as he prowled as quietly as he could manage. I was growing tired of my current stance, ducked down behind an entire row of dresses that reached the floor, but I knew that I could not submit to the weary it was causing me because there was a chance he might hear something indicating my location which was cause me even more pain than I was already in and that was the last thing I wanted.

The anticipation suddenly grew into panic when I heard the sound of my closet door opening and then soft footsteps on the carpeted floor, footsteps that could be heard because of the shoes he was still wearing. I started breathing even more slowly because of the fear that I was facing, the absolute terror of discovery driving me to be even quieter than I was already being. I wanted to freak out, I wanted to be able to panic so dearly because that was what my body wanted to do in the face of a fear like this but I couldn't, wouldn't, allow myself to give in because that would mean that it was game over, that would mean that he found me and that the imminent danger would no longer be imminent but a real, harsh reality. And it wouldn't be just that either but also a terrifyingly painful reality as well.

I could hear his footsteps as he moved about my large closet and then the loud sounding noise, reverberating in the silence of the night, of him moving hangers aside to see if I was hiding behind any of the rows of them. I could hear his footsteps like they were thunderous thuds resounding in the silent night full of trepidation and disconcerting events. It was the most frightened I had ever been in my life and I could not help the shivers of fear running up and down my spine and arms as I waited in this agonizing, petrifying silence punctuated by the sounds of not quite quiet footsteps moving about the room in search of no one other than me. My breathing was slow and steady though I was trembling in fright as the minutes all seemed to drag on slowly, each second seemed to tick by as long as a minute as I waited for him to come my way, which was inevitable. I thought it was strange that he was trying to remain quiet now when he had been so loud only minutes earlier when he was busy breaking the door down and screaming his obscenities at me with every full body slam against the door. I was lost in thought but not so lost that I couldn't hear what was going on around me. I could hear it, the sirens of my saviors coming to rescue me from my own father.

"Damn it! She called the police?" He whispered softly, cursing me in a quiet voice I could hear despite the sirens sounding. "You stupid dyke! How dare you do this to me?" I could hear his movement much more clearly now that he was moving in a rush to find me, knocking things over in the process as moved around briskly. "I'm going to fuck you up you little bitch!" He said as he shoved things around. I decided that if I was going to move at all now was my chance because he was moving around and making so much noise he most likely wouldn't hear me. I peeked out from between the cloths I was hiding behind and saw that he was still on the other side of the closet. I knew it was my only chance to get out of here and surprise him with the bat I was still holding onto tightly and so I moved swiftly but quietly on the carpet on my way over to him, bent over so he wouldn't spot me, careful not to bump into anything on my way to him. "Come out now and I might let you live you filthy girl!" he yelled into the now loud night full of the sirens of police cars.

I finally saw his head above a shelf of shoes just a few feet away from me and I made my move. I went over to where he stood as quietly and slowly as possible as he continued to move around, ducking low to look for my feet most likely and moving things around to see if I was hiding behind some shelves. It was then that I stood up from where I was crouching and slammed the bat against his head and he fell to the floor in agony, screaming and crying out in pain. "What the fuck do you think you're doing you little bitch? How dare you strike me you filthy dyke? Auuuuuuugh!" And then I lost my balance and somehow found myself trying to catch my breath because of my sudden fall. I was disoriented so I couldn't really hear much since everything was muffled due to my confusion and unexpectedly falling back first against the ground. The next thing I knew I was being held against the ground by my throat by a single hand and I was defenseless against the powerful grip on my neck. And he didn't stop there. "This, this is for hitting me in the head with your damned bat bitch!" He punched me in the stomach with his free hand. I lost what little breath I could breathe into my lungs from the force of his punch alone. "And this is for the second time you hit me with that damned thing!" He punched me again only this time it was my face that he hit and I could feel the throbbing pain in my cheek when he pulled his hand away. I was struggling to breathe and quickly losing consciousness when he punched me again, "and that, that was for disgracing me by being the filthy dyke that you are with that vile girl and her faggot parents! You're no daughter of mine." I couldn't feel anything but the pain radiating from my face, lip, throat, and stomach. The world grew dark and then I saw no more I just hoped that Rachel wouldn't be here to see me like this, this time. I didn't want her to see me in pain like this when I had never meant for it to happen.

I jolted awake to the feel of electricity hitting my chest, to the sound of someone yelling a garbled noise that sounded like 200 joules stat!, and lastly to the sight of a bright light with blurry figures blocking some of it from hitting me directly. I gasped deeply as if I hadn't been breathing for however long I had been out. I wasn't conscious for long because before I knew it the world was dark again. It was a sightless, soundless, unfeeling world that I fell into yet again.

When I woke up next I could hear whispering, muddled sounding, voices speaking in hushed tones that I could barely hear let alone make out and understand the meaning of. I could feel someone's hand holding onto mine, our fingers intertwined fully, and I knew who it was immediately. I didn't even need to open my eyes to know who it was because her tender hold on my hand made me feel safe again despite the terror I had just been through however long ago it was. I didn't know how much time had passed since I was last awake, since it had happened since I had been unconscious for quite a bit from what I gathered, seeing as Rachel was with me right now it had to at least been several hours since. I tried opening my eyes and found that it was a little bit difficult to do so because there were dried tears on the lids, almost like a glue to keep them shut tightly. With a little bit of effort I managed to force them open and I heard a quiet gasp, a quick intake of breath, and then next I saw her beautiful face full of worry and dried tear stains all over her agonized face. I reached out to her and cupped her face with my hand and she leaned into my touch immediately, almost as if she was making sure this was real, that I was really awake and alive in this moment.

It was a tender moment between us that I wish would never end but that was an impossible wish that would never be granted by anyone. I knew that as long as I had Rachel by my side what had just occurred would not haunt me. I would not let it haunt me. As terrible as it was I would not allow it to conquer me and haunt me for the rest of my life because my father wasn't worth all of that trouble, all of that pain. What he did was terrible and just cruel but I wouldn't let what he did bring me down and ruin my life because I knew that I was above what he did, I was stronger and better that and so I would not let a coward like him hurt me.

I had an oxygen mask on my face, various ivies hooked up to me to monitor my pulse, oxygen intake, and various other parts of me that I wasn't sure what were for other than to check on my well being. All in all I had a lot of things making sure I was alive and well, breathing mostly but some other things as well. I was sure that they had something in my system to numb me from what would otherwise have been agonizing pain because I couldn't feel anything painful, not a single throbbing or pounding pain, and what I could feel was Rachel's hand in my own. I wondered if they were going to send me home at all this week or if this was going to be a longer stay because of the fact that I was in terrible shape if the ivies were any good indication of that fact. I knew that I wasn't going to be released either today, whatever today was, or even tomorrow for that matter but I hoped that I wasn't in the hospital for too long because I didn't want to miss too much school but most of all I … I didn't want to worry Rachel more by staying in here longer. I had already been in the hospital for nearly two just about three months ago and now this on top of that? I had seen the hospital for much longer than I ever cared to in my short life. I was brought back to reality by her soft voice.

"Quinn! Oh Quinn," she whispered softly. "I was so scared when I got to your house because I heard screaming when I parked and I ran into your house and followed the screaming. I heard police sirens not long after I got into your house and I followed the sound of struggling up to your room only to find the door broken in half when I got there and only moments later I heard the police open the door and start searching the house for you. I didn't want to wait and so I went in and turned on the light and when I opened your door … I saw … lying on the ground unconscious while your father sat on you and hit you and choked you and I … I couldn't watch anymore so I went up to him and hit him as hard as I could with a bat lying near your hand. He lost consciousness and then the police came up while I tried to give you CPR. They told me to move aside so they could apprehend your father and then someone called for a medic to come in and put you on a stretcher because you … you weren't breathing. I was so scared Quinn, so absolutely terrified for you. I was … I thought … you weren't breathing and I … I thought." She couldn't continue on as she choked on her words.

I tried to speak but no words came out and I brought my hand up in shock only to find that something soft and plush almost covering my neck and I looked up to Rachel, the surprise evident on my face from what she could see.

"Oh, it's only temporary because they don't want you moving your neck for the next week and a half or so because of the extensive damage done to your neck and throat. I … the doctor said that … that you might not be able to speak for a few days because … because your throat … well he was choking you so your voice box might have received a little temporary damage. You'll be okay though. I know it. Before we both know it you'll be writing songs and singing again like nothing happened, like … like today never happened, like you were never hurt. You'll be … okay Quinn … soon enough we'll be going on dates … a-and we'll … we'll just be happy and in love again soon." Rachel sounded so broken, so upset and heart wrenchingly sad I couldn't take it. I took hold of her hand and squeezed it tightly. I wanted to comfort her in the only way I could right now, through action because I could not speak. My voice … I could only hope she was right about it being a temporary reprieve from speaking and singing and that in no time at all I would be speaking to her again, would be able to tell her I loved her dearly once more.

It was then that I got an idea. I took her hand and held it so that her fingers were splayed out, palms up. "What is it Quinn? What are you trying to do?" She had a curious look on her face as she watched me move. I put my index finger out and I put it against her palm and wrote out a letter with my finger and took her a moment to understand what I was doing because she had furrowed brows before she gasped softly in understanding. "Are you trying to spell words out on my hand?" At my slight nod she concentrated on the feel of my finger solely. It took her a moment after I wrote out a letter before she figured it out, "I," I nodded to the best of my ability. And then I wrote another letter out and with each letter she whispered it out as I wrote them, "l," a pause, "o," another slight pause, "v," and there was a smile on her face now as whispered the next letter, "e." She didn't say it out loud and only continued to announce the letters as I wrote them out, "y," a pause, "o," a last pause before, "u," and she whispered softly, "I love you too Quinn." She looked around to see if anyone was looking into the room or around it in general and when she was satisfied that no one was watching she leaned in and pressed her lips against mine softly and much too chastely for me. I understood her need to make sure it was a quick peck but that didn't mean I had to like it.

We just looked at each other while we held hands until someone else came into the room to break the peaceful, tender air surrounding us and that person was my mother with the doctor just a step behind her. "Oh you're awake, Quinn! That is quite a surprise considering the terrible ordeal you went through. Your friend Rachel here has told me part of it, the part she saw, and again I am sorry you had to be the one to find her like that. I know it must have been hard for you to see her that way." He gave her a sympathetic look as he spoke. And when he turned to me he looked sad as well, concerned. "I am so sorry for what happened to you Quinn. We're going to have to keep you here in the hospital for at least another week unfortunately because we have to monitor you because you received extensive damage to your throat and you have asthma making it worse than it normally would be. We have to make sure your throat doesn't close up again within these next few days because you weren't breathing when you came in to the ER last night. We had an oxygen mask on you but you weren't breathing and your heart wasn't beating either and so we had to resort to extreme measures to get you to breathe again. I'm sorry to say this but we are going to continue to monitor you for the next week to be sure that you will be okay once you leave here." He was genuine in everything he said and I couldn't help the disappointment that washed over me despite his sincerity.

If I could speak I would have but in my condition I wasn't able to say what I wanted to. My mother, who had been silent during this entire exchange, finally looked at me, really looked at me, and she looked so broken up that I couldn't help feeling a little happy to see that she was so emotional over me as twisted as that seemed. This was a complete 180 from how she was when I was in the hospital last and it was a welcoming sight for me despite the fact that she was so terribly upset and distraught over the situation, over me. I knew it was going to be hard for me but as long as I was still breathing I knew things would be okay somehow in all of this.

"If you have any problems just press the button to your right to call for one of the nurses on duty and they will come to help you since you cannot speak for the time being." He spoke gently, "I will leave you to your mother and friend now. Good luck to you." And he left with a sad, sympathetic smile.

It was silent for a few moments before another voice was heard, a quietly sad one, "Quinn. Oh, my baby girl, Quinn." My mother's voice was soft and she was a heart wrenching mess. Her mascara had run down her face, she looked disheveled, but most of all tears continued to run down her face as she looked at what I had become in the ten minutes that seemed to drag on forever. It felt like several days had passed in the few minutes it took my father to barge into the house, choke me, beat me, and nearly kill me. Everything seemed to pass by so quickly before I even knew it I was being saved by the doctors and now here I was, lying in a bed unable to speak. "Your father! He is a monster … he … he … and now you're … oh my baby girl. I can't believe … that this … happened to you … my poor, poor baby. Rachel … I have you to thank again for saving my baby girl. Thank you so much. She … if it wasn't for you she might … oh, my baby girl." My mother went to my other side and sat down on a chair and took my other hand into hers with a reassuring squeeze. "Thank you Rachel, for saving her again. I … I don't know how I will ever be able to repay you for what you've done for me, for Quinn." She was the most sincere I had ever seen her and it was just the tiniest bit shocking because not that long ago she was upset with me for trying to kill myself. Her being upset was understandable but the way she expressed however was highly inappropriate. I was thinking more like Rachel again because it was like how the saying goes; the more time you spend with someone the more you become like them. I was definitely noticing some changes in the way I thought and in my speech lately.

"There is nothing to think because Quinn is very special to me. I love Quinn very much and I would never let anything happen to her. If I can help her in any way I will. I would do anything for her Miss Fabray, _anything_." Rachel said and when she started speaking her eyes had been on my mother but toward the end she was looking right at me with the look of love in her eyes and on her face. Her expression was far too soft because I knew immediately that my mother detected something from the small, barely audible gasp that she let out. It was a gasp of realization, of understanding, and I knew exactly what it was that my mother to a realization to; she knew to a certain extent, from what I could see, Rachel's feelings for me. I could see the cogs working and though she looked uncomfortable but she didn't say anything and that came as a big surprise because my mother had been so vocal when it came to discussing her fathers. She had been cruel when it came to bad mouthing them. She definitely didn't have anything good to say when it came to them and that was only three months ago when it initially came up as a topic over Thanksgiving dinner with Sarah and Chad over. She did say she felt sorry for her though at one point because she didn't think that they would raise her right but now? She was silent and though she looked uncomfortable she seemed to be thinking things over, like she was mulling in her thoughts.

"Rachel … I," she paused before she continued on surprisingly sincerely, "I'm glad that Quinn has someone like you in her life. You seem to … care very much about my daughter and you've done nothing but save her time and again and I cannot thank you enough for that. I … I am indebted to you. If there is ever anything, and I mean _anything_, I can do for you please just ask and whatever it is, if it is within my power, I will help you. No matter what it may be please keep that in mind, please keep me in mind. I …" she seemed to be searching for the right words to say, "I don't think I can ever thank you enough for saving my baby girl twice now Rachel. I hope that there doesn't need to be a third time for this to happen because honestly … I don't think my heart can take another incident happening. I would do anything for my little girl and I will do anything for you too because you truly don't know how grateful I am for all that you have done for us both."

Rachel looked touched and overjoyed to hear such a thing from my mother, having not ever heard this kind of tone, this kind of gratefulness from my mother before. It was rare for my mother to be this way and so it came as a bit of a shock to me too but it was a good kind of surprise. It was a very pleasant surprise to know that my mother was supportive of my friendship with Rachel now … but what would be even better, what would make me feel even better and happier would be if she approved of my relationship with Rachel, approved of Rachel as my girlfriend as well. I wasn't sure if that was something I could even hope for at this point but I could try and show her what our relationship was for the sake of showing her what Rachel and I had was as genuine as they come. Our love was the real thing and I wanted her to know that, to see that and accept it for what it was; love. Our love was pure and innocent and I wanted to keep it that way and show my mother how much we really loved each other and how much I needed her. She needed me as much as I needed her and that for me was love, true love. It didn't get any better than this and this was perfect, this was our hopeless love.

"I hope you know that I don't feel as if you owe me a single thing. You don't owe me anything because I would willingly do anything for Quinn because I love her, I care for her very deeply and I would even go as far as take a bullet for her because she is one of the most important people in my life. She is my best friend and so much more than that even. We're practically family Miss Fabray so truly, there is no need for you to feel indebted to me at all for saving Quinn. It was something I would have done for anyone but especially for Quinn I would do this because I care for her so. She is so important to me I … I would even die for her Miss Fabray. And these feelings I have for her, they will never change no matter how much time passes by, no matter how many years go by I will always love and care for as I do today. Truly, Quinn is a very special person and she deserves better than what she has been given in life. She has been tormented for so long that … and now this? It's just far too much but I believe that Quinn will be able to overcome all of this and live her life the way she deserves to; with her head held high and with a smile on her face showing how content she is with her life. That's the kind of life Quinn deserves and so, so much more than that as well. She deserves the kindness of others and she deserves, above all, to be happy." Rachel was looking at me with those eyes again, with love and adoration and I was sure that my expression matched hers as I looked back at her with very much the same look of love, affection, and adoration. We were just so in love there was nothing that could ever pull us apart. This was my firm belief.

"I can see that the both of you … care for each other very much. It … um … well that is to say I have been wondering for just a little while … are the both of you dating by chance?" She looked perplexed but not disgusted but despite that I felt my heartbeat pick up and it was reflected by the sound of the monitor speeding up with it. "Quinnie? Calm down Quinnie. It's … it's okay if you are because … just the thought of losing you tonight and three months ago … the thought of that alone scares me more than anything else in the world Quinnie, more than you losing your faith in religion, in God Himself. I know you haven't been praying Quinnie and I haven't been pushing you because I don't want to push you away more than I have already. I want to support you now more than ever Quinnie. I almost … lost you twice now and I won't lose you this way, by rejecting you. I will never reject you because you are my little girl, my baby girl and you are more important to me than life itself. I saw the way the both of you were looking at each other and it's the way Russell used to look at me once upon a time only … I can see that how you look at each other … it's even stronger than that, it's even fuller of love than any look Russell used to give me. I don't know what's gotten into Russell … I don't know what changed him but whatever it was he is not the man I fell in love with 26 years ago. I can see this love between the two of you and though I am still uncomfortable with the idea … the thought of … homosexuality I … I'm willing to learn more about it and … I am willing to accept you both as you are because I love you Quinnie … and not just that but I can see why you love Rachel. She is a very intelligent and kind girl. I … I am ashamed that I used to be proud of you humiliating her because no one deserves that. The way you two have been acting … I can see that Rachel has forgiven you everything and I'm glad that the both of you are together now because you seem good for each other. I … I give you both my blessing to date." She was smiling genuinely and I felt my heart beat more strongly just because of it. It made me happy to know that I wouldn't be kicked out of the house by my own mother. "I want to be more open to different things because God Himself says to love our neighbors for their differences to us. So I will not judge for whom you love Quinnie. I will adjust … to this somehow. Thank you for loving her Rachel."

"Th-thank you for giving us your blessing Miss Fabray. It, it means a lot to both of us. I'm sure that if Quinn was able to speak right now she would tell you how happy she is that you are giving us your blessing. I … _we_ appreciate it very much. Thank you for being so supportive. I … I promise that I will never hurt Quinn and that I will continue to love and cherish her Miss Fabray. I promise you that I will _always_ treat Quinn with dignity and respect no matter what happens. I love her very much and very dearly. I truly appreciate this Miss Fabray." And she looked so happy, so absolutely delighted that my mother approved of us being together.

"You're a part of this family now Rachel so there's no need for you to be so formal with me. Just call my Judy." She was smiling again.

I knew that this didn't mean everything was going to be perfect from this point on but at the very least it seemed like things would finally be settling down for hopefully a little bit longer than just a few weeks. I wasn't sure if I could take another crazy thing happening because of how many things had already happened to me. I could just tell that as long as I had Rachel I would overcome this, overcome everything that had happened earlier today. I would overcome the terrible things that had happened to me with Rachel by my side and my mother and all of our friends as well. I knew that they would support me in all of this and that I would have their help after what had happened to me. I knew that this was another step forward.

Okay so this is the next chapter and really I didn't get a single review the last chapter? Harsh guys, harsh indeed. I hope that someone will at least leave me a review this chapter.

姫宮光る


	20. Trying To Heal

Chapter 20

Trying To Heal

A week had passed and I was speaking now but that didn't mean that things were easier now than they had been before I was able to speak once again. I was asked to speak to the police and I would be meeting them soon for them to interview me and get the facts about what occurred that terrible night one week ago. I didn't really want to talk about it because as long as I didn't talk about it I didn't have to face the truth, the terrible truth that my father really hated me, could not stand me and wanted me lifeless, dead and in a casket being lowered to the ground as I descended to hell. I knew that that was exactly what he wanted to see happen, what he believed would happen to me once I died because he believed that all gays, all lesbians, everyone in the LGBT community would end up there for sinning against God. My mother … I smiled at the thought of her because though she once had the same beliefs as him she was now on my side and she had been researching things about the Gay and Lesbian community for my sake, for the sake of her daughter. She was no longer the ignorant woman full of hatred who was timid around her 'big' husband. She was here for me and she wasn't about to let what he had done go. She hired the best lawyer in the law firm she was working at to build a case against my father to put him in jail for many, many years. I had to speak to the police today in another few minutes and I was nervous because not only was I speaking to them in a hospital gown I would be speaking to them with my raspy, hoarse sounding voice which happened to crack a lot because speech had not come easily in the last two days that the ability had finally come back to me. To say the least it was a terrifying prospect, discussing the events and describing what had happened in full detail. I was practically trembling where I lay in the hospital bed but Rachel made it all better. She wanted to stay with me throughout their interview because she was the only key witness. Rachel wasn't afraid to tell them that she was here for me no matter what they said.

Finn, from what I heard, was being shunned by the entire school because was being isolated by the entire Glee Club and a good few teachers because they heard about his involvement from some source or another. Rachel told the Glee Club and a few members were the biggest gossips in the entire club so naturally word spread like wildfire throughout the school and several authority figures were sorely disappointed with him and a good bit of the student population was also shunning him for what he had done. The HBIC of the school who had gone soft and become more of a loved figure, like a celebrity, had been nearly killed because of the idiot jock Finn Hudson … or that's how Rachel had put it. Santana, Brittany, Coach Sylvester, and the rest of the Glee Club had come to visit me quite frequently, almost daily, this past week and the first visit there were many teary eyes to greet me because they couldn't stand seeing me in this state. The last time they had been sad for me because I wanted to take my life away but this time … this time it was an incident incited by a jealous boy who caused me to almost lose my life over his pettiness. I was closer to death this time than I had been the last time I was in this hospital because Rachel was there so early on they had more time to figure out how to save me from certain death. Needless to say he was not well liked by many in the school if not all of the school at this point.

Santana and Puck almost beat Finn up if not for Brittany and Sam holding both of them back from doing so. Santana managed to land a punch right on his jaw and he now had a bruise the size of Santana's fist on his face because of what he did. There was no redemption for this boy now in Mr. Schue's book because he had done so much to hurt me ever since Rachel broke up with him. He was a coward but it seemed he finally learned his lesson because he wasn't lying anymore and he seemed to be sad now. He stopped trying to rejoin Glee Club, he didn't do anything to defend the blow of Santana's fist, he stopped talking to his own best friend, who was so angry with him he told him to never speak to him again, and he seemed to be fine with the isolation he was now receiving. It was a strange kind of justice that I wasn't sure what my feelings were when it came to it. It was a sad and lonely prospect but in the end it was he was at fault for all of this when it came down to it all. He chose to tell my father causing my father to drink and go on a rampage and nearly kill me in the process and now he was going to go to jail for it.

"You … you really … *ahem, ahem* … you really are … wonderful Rachel … doing this … for me. I … love you … so much Rachel." Though my voice cracked and my throat hurt still I wanted to at least be able to tell her those three words most out of all the words I was able to say. As long as I could speak I would keep on telling Rachel my feelings for her over and over again until the day I couldn't speak anymore and when that day came I would show her how I felt in every way I would be able to. I would never stop telling her in as many ways possible the words I love you.

She looked around and I knew immediately what it was she wanted to do discreetly. It caused a smile to bloom on my face. The meeting of our lips was longer than it usually was while I was still in the hospital and I knew the reason behind that as well. I was lost in the kiss when she pulled away and I tried to pull her back for more but she took the hand pushing her head back and placed it on her cheek as she spoke softly into my had, "they're going to be here soon and I don't want them catching us kissing like this. I love kissing you and I often can't get enough of it but now is not the time for us to get lost in each other like that Quinn. I love you and kissing you has to be one of my favorite activities, in the top two actually tied with singing, but I highly doubt the idea of being caught in the middle of kissing each other is something you want to happen, especially because it's the police who would catch us doing so. Therefore Quinn I'm cutting you off. We kissed for a lot longer than I normally allow while you are in this hospital bed." I was pouting but I conceded with her wishes because what she was saying was true. "Don't pout Quinnie, you're tempting me far too much with those lips of yours buttercup. I—" I cut her off with a small peck and she looked like she was trying to control herself and her desire to lean in again. I was smirking and she looked down at me with a pout of her own and it made me feel just slightly guilty. "That wasn't fair Quinn~! Now I … ugh." And she lay her head down against my chest, unable to form coherent thought from what I could see.

"All's fair … in love … and war. You … you started it Rachel." The smirk only grew wider on my face at the thought that I left Rachel unable to speak her thoughts clearly, speechless. "I—" and there was a soft knock on the door and I knew that it was time now, the police were here now. I felt my heart pick up speed and the heart monitor picked up as well as a surprisingly soft voice called out into the room absent of voices speaking.

"Hello. Is there a Quinn Fabray in here?" I saw the head of a pretty female police officer poking in the doorway and she was looking around the room until her eyes caught sight of me. She was tall, at least 5' 8", with stormy, steely grey eyes, light brown hair, and a soft, heart-shaped face.

"I-I'm … Quinn Fabray." My voice still cracked and it was gruff sounding but that was just an after effect of having been choked to the extent I had been. It was hard, so very hard, to speak but I managed to speak relatively well for a choke victim.

"Oh my … you poor, poor girl. I'm sorry to say that I was asked to interview you today because you are able to speak but I can see that you are still having trouble with it because your throat is in terrible shape and your voice is so hoarse. You poor thing. I'll try to make sure that this interview is as painless and short as possible. I know that it will be difficult for you to speak and not just that but it will be a difficult and daunting task for you to speak about the traumatic event that happened to you as well. Please keep in mind that I will have to record what you say as a statement. Your lawyer should be here very shortly to assist in the process of recording what you have to say as your statement and we've already spoken to your friend, Miss Berry here, and recorded her witness statement. I'll wait outside to give you your privacy until she arrives on the scene then." She paused to look at me, to take in the sight of my still healing neck, my bruised face, and the faded bruises coloring my arms. All in all there was a lot of healing going on and there was even a small cut on my lip that was still healing. The cut had been from my tooth digging into my fleshy lip when he punched me at some point apparently. I was told that I was lucky to be alive because if it had not been for Rachel he would have killed me before the medics came in to save me. I loved this beautiful person laying here with me because she was just so beautiful in so many ways. "I am Officer Erin Fierial. I will come back in as soon as your lawyer arrives." She said as if she just realized that she hadn't introduced herself yet. She was looking at me with expectant eyes and I realized that I hadn't spoken a word of the affirmative to her yet.

I nodded and she stepped outside. Her back was to the room and I saw that no one was looking into the room so I pulled Rachel down and kissed her, pushing my tongue into her mouth while she was in shock, and it only took a moment for her to respond to my kiss after the initial shock wore off. "Mmm … mm," she was moaning into the kiss and I felt a slight throb resound in my center. Just the sound of her voice had me feeling things I had never felt before throughout my body and I wondered if she ever felt the same things, if it was normal for these things to happen. I couldn't really process things anymore because now she was sucking on my tongue and I felt the throbbing intensify even further in my center and I pulled away to catch my breath only to be pulled back into her just a moment later. We kissed passionately and our tongues tangoed in a fiery kiss full of heated feelings. When we pulled apart, gasping for air, I could hear that my heartbeat had picked up slightly from the encounter but it wasn't so much that it should have been noteworthy. "What was that for?" I just shrugged in response and she smiled at me. "Just because you could, right Quinn?" I nodded and her smile deepened. Her face grew serious after a moment. "I will sit right here beside you and hold your hand for as long as you need me too … I can't promise that I won't cry but I can promise that I will stay strong for you Quinn. I know this is going to be hard for you so I will be here right by your side for as long as this will take and even after that I will be here with you. I'll always stay by your side when you need me, no matter what way you need me, I'm here for you Quinn. Always." Her eyes were so soft I felt myself become lost in her deep brown orbs with the ability to take my breath away with a single look.

There was a knock on the door and the trance was broken just like that and I heard a new voice enter into the equation, "it's me Quinn, your attorney Dianna, Dianna Bilasa. I'm here to go over the details of the charge against your father and all of the legal matters that go with that and I'm also here to help with your witness statement whenever Officer Dianna is done writing up the incident report for what occurred last week." Dianna was a very kind hearted woman who expressed her hatred of injustice in many ways without saying it outright. She would talk about cases that she'd done before that made her blood boil because of the injustice that seemed to grow with every day that passed in this world full of hatred and crime. She was looking at me now with a sympathetic look and sorrowful eyes, still unable to get over what my own father had done to me. She had a fiery passion in her eyes when I first met her most likely because she knew exactly what she was doing by taking my case into her hands and going against my father. She was fighting against an elite man who had money to waste but she wasn't going to let that daunt her because there was strong evidence against him and a key witness who was more than willing to testify against him. He had no idea who she was and there was no way he was going to get that information unless he did something illegal in order to gain access to the information. There was a chance that he might do something dirty like that and it had me worried about Rachel's safety. I would have to discuss this with her later on.

"Y-yes … *cough, cough* please come in …" I looked over to where the two chairs were and decided that Rachel would have to sit on the bed with me to make room for both of them. Without me saying a word she moved to sit on the bed instead with me and it amazed me that she could read me so well without me saying anything or indicating anything with words. It was like she knew what I was thinking sometimes and it never ceased to amaze me, she never ceased to amaze me. "Please … take a seat Miss Dianna, Officer Erin." They both looked at me with slight surprise in their eyes.

"It is refreshing being with you Quinn. Not many young people have manners these days and just expect us to stand around and talk to them. Usually they find people like us annoying and irritating because of what we stand for and most of them don't understand why we even exist in this world. I'm not trying to say that they think of us as a waste of space … but rather they do not like what our job descriptions entail; keeping the law in order and taking away their fun." She had a smile of understanding on her face. "Well then, now that we are both here and comfortable shall we begin? It's a rather long process but hopefully since half of it is already over since Rachel gave her statement it shouldn't take very long."

"Well that's the end of it Quinn. Court will be in session as soon as you are well enough to speak without much difficulty since they can't make you sit in the stand and testify without being able to communicate. We'll see you then and I hope you recover soon so we can put your father in jail for a very long time for his crimes against a sweet girl like you. He doesn't deserve a daughter like you." She looked sad as she spoke and it made me feel a little better about my depressing situation. They both left with a smile and it lead me to thoughts about what had been haunting me lately.

I thought about how restless my sleep had been lately. I hadn't been sleeping well and Rachel had noticed this within the first few days and she had asked me about it several times but I didn't want to worry her over something so small, so insignificant and unworthy of mentioning. Even though the first night after I was hurt I kept telling myself this was nothing and that I'd get over it … for some reason I kept waking up from a nightmare of my father choking me and … I always woke up after seeing his face when before he was enshrouded in shadow. Each and every time I would wake up in a cold sweat and sometimes my body was numb and my mind was racing from such horrible and terrifying dreams … well nightmare was a much better fitting word for that kind of dream. I would often wake up in the middle of the night feeling terrified and sometimes when I woke up a nurse was checking up on me and she questioned whether I was well or not because I was always gasping and my heartbeat had picked up significantly. Some nights they would check up on me a few minutes after I had woken up because they could hear the beeping of my heart even as I tried to calm myself down.

"Quinn, Quinn … QUINN!" I was startled out of my thoughts by the brunette still sitting by my side, the warmth of her body seeping into my right side as we sat side by side. "Where did you go Quinn? Sometimes it seems like you're daydreaming with the clouds … or in this case the window and you've flown away without me. Come back to earth and be with me buttercup." She was smiling because she didn't know what was going through my mind, the horrors I had been thinking about. It wasn't as if she was always going to be able to read my mind and know what it was I was thinking. I didn't allow my guard down so low that it would happen that way with just anyone. I trusted Rachel most with everything about me so perhaps the reason she could read me so well was because of that but just now I hadn't been opening myself up for that vulnerability in front of Officer Erin and Miss Dianna because they weren't in the circle of people I trusted more than anything in the world. "What were you thinking about?" That was such a loaded question.

I didn't even know where to begin to describe the thoughts I'd been having, the nightmares that seemed to plague and haunt me ever since the first night I slept after having been nearly killed … it was all so much. There was so much to say and very little words I could think of to speak for some reason. It was almost as if I was unable to form coherent thought because I was completely disturbed … because it was all so disconcerting having dreams about death especially me nearing my own. How did I start, where should I even begin with this story about horrid dreams, nightmares that was manifested by the horrible event that had occurred to me on the darkest, silent, and most terrifying night of my life thus far. There was so much sorrow, fear, anger, absolute terror for me just thinking back to the events that transpired that night, the fear of dying, the terror I was hiding from, the sorrow from the one who perpetrated it and most of all my anger towards him for once again ruining my life somehow, in one way or another it was all he did. He hadn't truly been a father to me for so many years and now here he was doing horrible things like this and breaking me into fragments of who I used to be. How dare he?

"Rachel … I … I've been … I've been having … nightmares … of … my father and … of dying, too." I took a moment to recuperate, "I can't … sleep, I … I can't eat … it's making me … sick. I keep … waking up … in the middle … of the night. I-I … I keep dreaming of … that night … and then I … wake up … numb, crying, or scream-ing … and then I can't sleep … anymore. The nurses … they keep checking up … on me because … of it. It keeps happening … every time … I close my eyes … I can … hear his voice … I can … feel his hands … and see … his face … hovering … over me. I can hear … his laughter … his anger … him cursing me … I can feel … the strong ho—" and then I couldn't go on anymore.

"Stop it! Quinn, stop it!" She was shaking and I could hear the tears like bombs exploding as they fell on her hands. "Don't say anymore." And that was when I heard it. The heart monitor was beating very quickly in time with my heartbeat and it was making me feel nauseous or was that just how I had been feeling ever since I started talking about what had been haunting me ever since the day I first slept after _it_ happened to me. "You're going to cause yourself to have a panic attack if you keep this up Quinn. And you look like you're going to be sick just from talking about it." She was looking at me with sad eyes, "please, no more. I can't stand seeing you hurting so badly inside like this. It kills me to see you in so much pain Quinn. Seeing you hurt is one of the most painful things I have ever felt in my life. I just … I can't help but feel your pain as if it were my own. You … you don't deserve to feel like this, to have to think about these things at all. You deserve to be happy but … I know … I can see that you've been traumatized by this event. It's causing you to feel uneasy and terrified even in your sleep and in a safe place like this. Please for my sake ask the nurses or the doctor to set you up with some therapy to get over this, to recover from this horrible, terrible crime that has been committed against you." She truly did look as if she was hurting as much as I was and that made me feel terribly guilty for it. And she seemed to catch on to that a little too quickly for my taste, "no, Quinn! Just no! It's not your fault that you're a bit of a mess after what happened to you. I'm only hurting because I care so much about you … I love you so much Quinn. That's the only reason I'm hurting as much as I am now, I'm only hurting because you're hurting so don't you dare think otherwise Quinn. I love you and so seeing you in pain like this and it makes me feel a terrible ache in my chest, a throbbing that comes from the thought that you're suffering from something so terrible, so vile, and just so evil."

And she stayed with me for another half hour before she went home so she could finish the rest of her homework, have dinner with her fathers, and shower before maybe finishing up a few homework things and then going to bed. She kissed me goodbye without regards to anyone who might be looking and she left with a small smile on her face and a promise to see me home tomorrow when I was to be released from the hospital. She truly was a gentle, kind girl with a heart of gold … and with ownership of my heart as well. She was a young lady after my heart and she was more than successful when it came to capturing and keeping it locked up in her hands.

I was breathing heavily in a way that reminded me of Cheerios practice and suicides. I was tossing and turning on the sheets, my lungs felt like they were going to burst from lack of oxygen and my throat felt tight with pain. I felt like I was dying. I couldn't breathe and it was getting harder and harder for me to feel anything other than the pain. I thought that I had been dreaming but then I heard my heart monitor going crazy as I struggle to get some air into my lungs. I opened my eyes and saw that my father's girlfriend was standing over me and choking me. She had a tight grip on me and I could barely move because of how strong her grip was. I brought my hand up and covered her face which distracted her enough for me to use my other hand to pull one hand off of my neck. If it wasn't for the neck brace I knew it would have been a lot worse. I used my hand to punch her in the nose and she instinctively moved her other hand to cover it because of the flash of pain and I pushed her with both hands. A nurse came in then, shocked speechless at the scene before her. It only took her a moment to recover from her shock before she took action and called for backup.

I was still trying to catch my breath when the nurse came in and took hold of the woman standing up yet again, hovering over me, and she looked like she was going to go after me again when the nurse came up from behind her and grabbed her by the arms and locked her there. It was a hold that she had probably learned during her school years for aggressive patients or patients terribly afraid of needles, too, perhaps. A few more nurses came in and saw the terrible sight of me gasping for breath while the nurse struggle to keep the woman in her hold as she put up a fight to get out of the strong hold on her preventing her from doing anymore damage to me. One nurse left the room while another came to me and the last one went to the nurse holding the woman as best she could while she was struggling. She took hold of her one side and they went into a position to hold both of her arms tightly while the other nurse came back with a tray and spoke, "I called the police so they should be here soon." She paused and put the small tray on a bedside table I in the room and took out an alcohol wipe and wiping the still struggling woman's arm, she was struggling frantically at this point kicking and screaming profanity in the formerly quiet hospital room.

"What the _fuck_ do you think you're doing to me you ugly sluts? Let go of me now you fucking whores! Let go of me god damn it all! I'm going to kill your sorry asses if you don't let me go right now! Get the _fuck _off of me you bitches!" She was swearing up a storm and it didn't seem like she was about to stop any second soon and then I saw the nurse with the tray pick up a needle and squirt a little bit of the contents out, "let _go_ of me you bit—" and she was out almost instantly.

I was struggling to get some air into my lungs still and the nurse was trying to find my inhaler in the bedside table. When she finally found it she gave it to me and I pumped the necessary amount of medicine into my lungs and breathed finally. "Are you all right Quinn? Let me check you vitals." She got my blood pressure, which was usually rather low. She checked my pupils and asked me to open my mouth so she could see what my throat looked like after yet another attack and attempt on my life by another crazy person. "Your throat appears to have received little damage fortunately enough for you though those bruises are going to hurt you and make it difficult for you to move your neck. Let me check one last thing …" she said as she moved her hands over to my neck brace. She opened it up and took a look at it, at some point one of the nurses had switched the lights to the room on and I hadn't noticed since I was too busy trying to force air into my lungs, and she let out a soft gasp that indicated she didn't like what she saw. "Your bruising has worsened significantly due to that woman's attack on you. It appears to be slightly swollen as well as bruised and so you will have to keep this neck brace on for an approximate week or so depending on what the doctor wants when he comes in to see you. He will be coming in soon since this incident was reported to him by one of the other nurses. You poor dear, I hope you aren't attacked by anyone anymore. Do you know the woman who attacked you? She was vicious in her attempt to take your life. I have to say one of the cruelest ways to kill someone is to make them suffer through dying and suffocation is one of the slowest, most painful ways to die since it would take some time before you die from lack of oxygen."

I coughed before answering her with a hoarse throat, "y-yes … that w-w-woman … she is … my f-father's … girlfriend." I was still having a little trouble catching my breath but it wasn't nearly bad enough for more medicine and so I just spoke to the best of my abilities and that wasn't quite as bad a struggle as it had been when I first was able to speak again just a few days ago.

"That is terrible. You'll need to tell your lawyer and file a report with the police when they get here. I can be your witness since I stepped into the room to see why your heartbeat skyrocketed earlier and I came in only to see you gasping for breath and pushing that terrible woman away from you." She shook her head in disgust, "I still don't know how that woman got in here but we will investigate it with our camera footage when we have the chance to. We'll probably be busy with questioning but we will do everything in our power to ensure your safety and make sure that you don't have another incident like this occur while we watch over you here in this hospital." She smiled, "I'll leave you now so you can rest until the police have taken care of everything and when it's time for you to be questioned about the events that transpired I will come and wake you Quinn. Rest while you can okay?" I nodded to the best of my ability and closed my eyes since I was drained. She put the neck brace back on and turned the lights off as she left the room, leaving the door open a crack. I was so tired of these things happening to me and I honestly could not get a break it seemed. It was one thing after another and it was entirely tiring. I was able to rest for a little bit before the police came in and questioned me about the event and I could finally rest in blissful peace.

The doctor said he wanted me to stay in the hospital for another day at the very least to make sure I would be okay when I finally did leave the hospital. He said that he would have another doctor check on me tomorrow morning. Nearly being killed wasn't a pleasant experience and it left me exhausted and so I slept peacefully for a few hours before I woke up from a nightmare. When I woke I was glad for the fact that I was breathing because it was then I knew that it was just a dream and nothing more. I hoped I wasn't going to awake to another person hovering over me with the intent to choke me to death.

A nurse happened to come in to check on me when a thought occurred to me, "e-excuse me?" I whispered hoarsely, having just woken up from sleep.

"Yes?" She spoke softly, a very considerate thing for her to do and I was glad for it.

"Did you … inform my mother … about what happened earlier? Or at least," I paused to clear my throat, "did the police do that?"

She nodded her head before speaking just as softly as she had a moment earlier, "yes I believe so. If you would like me to I can go and ask one of the other nurses on staff if they know?" She was so polite and kind it had me smiling internally.

"Oh that is … very kind of you …" I paused to look at her name tag, in the little light available I could barely make out her name, "Miss Tamatha. Thank you." She smiled at me and told me she would be right back.

Only a few minutes later she came back, "one of the nurses called your mother and left her a message so she will know the moment she checks her messages. Will that be all Quinn?" She asked kindly. I nodded my head and she smiled, "good night Quinn. I hope you have sweet dreams despite what happened to you. I … I will pray for you to sleep well tonight despite tonight's terrible events." And with that she left me in the dark with my thoughts for company.

I thought about Rachel and how she would react to hear what had happened to me. She was definitely not going to be happy and she would most likely fuss over me and be upset over the fact that I was probably going to stay in the hospital for longer because of what happened. I wasn't too pleased by the thought either but what choice did I have over the decision to keep me for another night? None really so I had to just deal with it. This woman had to come in and attack me when I was trying to heal and now I had to stay longer because of her. I sighed since I couldn't do anything about it. I fell asleep to the thoughts of Rachel and when I closed my eyes I could almost see her and feel her next to me, watching over me.

So this was an early chapter release because I received a few reviews and reviews truly inspire me to write. This chapter is around the usual length unlike the last few which have been longer because I felt bad for not updating as much. Please leave some reviews and I might type up another chapter quickly due to inspiration.^^

姫宮光る


	21. Relief

Chapter 21

Relief

It had been a week and a half since the second attack and I was feeling much better but there were bruises I hid behind a scarf or something else to insure that no one had to see what my father and his crazy girlfriend had left me with. The trials were almost over and there was a good bit of evidence piled up against both of them and there was just one more trial day left for the decision to be made and I was just waiting for that day because I didn't want anything to happen to anyone I loved. Finn had been much more tolerable ever since he caused me to nearly die. I think in his mind he just didn't have it in him to act rude and intolerable anymore and he seemed much more humble than he ever was before. He was taking responsibility for what he had done in a way but that by no means mean that I had forgiven him for his idiotic and unkind actions that resulted in nearly ending my life not just once but twice. My father and his girlfriend were going to go to jail for sure. They just had to after everything that had happened in the last two weeks of my life. I'd had many visitors, mainly my mother, Rachel, Santana, Brittany, Holly, the members of Glee Club, a sadly broken Coach Sylvester, Mr. Schue, and even Regina came to visit. She was the most surprising visit I'd had of all since I didn't expect her to know about me being in the hospital. Apparently one day Finn showed up on her door step and told her about me. He even honestly told her it was his fault that I was in the hospital and that I had almost died. I was shocked to say the least.

I had gone back to school the day I was released from the hospital since I was discharge early on in the morning and my mother had called the principal to inform him of such a thing and he of course alerted the teachers, as well, about my return. It felt nice to be surrounded by my friends again and they all welcomed me back with open arms and happiness. I remembered so clearly that they had an impromptu, it seemed, and sentimental performance of Keep Holding On waiting for me and it was performed by the club, Holly, who was told to come by Rachel, Mr. Schue, Coach Sylvester, and even Miss Pillsbury was there singing to the song. The main vocals, of course, were Rachel and Santana and to my surprise Mercedes and Tina. They all sang beautifully and after they were done they all spoke to me … said their piece about how they felt upon finding out that my own father had tried to kill me. I remembered every word so clearly.

In The Choir Room

"Quinn … you have absolutely no idea how terrified I was about hearing that you … that we almost lost you." Kurt started. He had tears in his eyes as he spoke emotionally. "You … you've become an integral part of this team and we … we all love you so much, so dearly, that … just the thought of losing you … it terrified us all. I … when Rachel came in the day after it happened … she was a wreck and when … a-and when she … when she told us what had happened … I think we were all so quiet we probably would have been able to hear a pin drop in the room." Kurt couldn't go on anymore so someone else took his place and spoke up.

"I know we rarely speak but … I do consider us friend Quinn. I … I've never had to think about losing a friend before you and it isn't a good feeling at all." Mercedes looked just as distraught as Kurt but she held herself together as she spoke. "When I heard … all I could think was … if it hadn't been for Rachel … you … you would've … you would've been gone for good Quinn! It … it makes me so sick that your own dad … no your _father_ would do something so … so terrible to you! He's a sicko who needs to be locked up in jail because people like him are so freaking messed up and they do crazy psychotic things to people for no reason. He … he was so close to killing you that … if Rachel had just … just been just a moment later you … you would've … I can't … I can't even say it Quinn." She swallowed passed a lump in her throat and tears threatened to break away from the gathered moisture and fall down her cheeks only to crash into the skin of her chest and break.

"Me and Brits … we were a mess after hearing about you being hurt … nearly killed by your father. I remember that morning Brit had to hold me back because I was screaming … I wanted to kill that man for hurting you so much you nearly died." Santana actually started crying softly in front of the club and she buried her face into Brittany's neck as she continued to cry.

"San's really sad. She still is. She was mad before but now she's just sad." Though they had visited me at the hospital Santana did not once speak when she came to visit with Brittany right after Cheerios practice. Brittany had tears in her eyes as she spoke. "We were so scared that we were going to lose you Quinn. I'm sorry that your daddy did that to you because he was afraid of what Finn told him. I know him and he's a scared man and he's mean when he's scared like that. I know what people like him are like. Lord Tubbington warned me about being careful around him because of how mean he gets when he's scared. It wasn't nice of him at all and he's going to be punished like he's supposed to Quinn."

"We really … we really missed you Quinn." Tina whispered softly, she looked near tears. "Even though you usually try to hide in the background … well you did for a long while until you wrote that first song that soon became many more … we could feel how empty this room felt when you were gone. It was like there was a shadow looming in this room … a shadow left in this wake you left because you were in the hospital." Tina, if anything, was the one who was always swaying in the background but right now … just looking at her I could see someone who stood out … someone who left a mark on my heart with her tenderness. "It was hard … it was so hard to see you lying in the hospital with a bruised face and just … you looked so broken on that bed with a neck brace around your neck and … you were so beaten up and … just so black and blue. You looked so small and frail … so delicate and fragile … like a porcelain doll. I'm sorry I rushed out of the room that first visit and … I'm sorry I never came back to visit again. I just … I couldn't bring myself to come back again and again just to see you looking the way you did, so battered." She was shaking her head in what I took to be shame as she looked at the floor.

"You're really important to us Quinn." Puck said, a rare serious moment. "Santana wasn't the only one who had to be held back by someone to keep from trying to find your father to beat his ass up for what he tried to do to you. Finn was actually close to us when we found out and we wanted to go beat the shit out of him … personally I still do. I don't care that he's 'sorry' now, I don't care that he didn't mean for any of this to happen. He's not my best friend anymore after his sorry ass told on you and got you into the hospital because he tried to tattle tell on you like the idiot he is. I can't forgive him for any of it because he's such a fucking idiot for doing what he did even if he's just … so," Puck was getting worked up and I could see a vein popping out of his neck when Sam put a reassuring hand on Puck's shoulder. It seemed like Puck and Sam had gotten closer, so close that it was almost like they were either best friends or … possibly even lovers now. Whatever they were they were very genuine in their reaction toward each other and whatever they may be to each other I wished them happiness and the best of luck because they deserved it after how they had defended both Rachel, Kurt, and me the way they had. They deserved what happiness they could find in each other because they were truly nice guys, Puck behind his 'badass' exterior and Sam with his sweet and innocent demeanor.

"Glee just wasn't the same without you here. It … well it was a little hollow, empty because we all knew why it was you weren't here and it … it was hard to do anything in Glee because we were all so worried about you. For the last ten days I think you were all we thought about while we were in this club room because there are memories of you being here with us everywhere in this room. You mean so much to all of us. You're a teammate but most of all … you're an important friend to all of us." Mike whispered so sincerely, so genuinely I felt a few tears gather in my eyes at hearing such sincerity. "Glee Club wasn't the same without you so … welcome back Quinn." He came up to me and hugged me gently.

"I can't imagine Glee Club being Glee Club without you Quinn. You're like a piece of a puzzle, small but just as important as any other piece completing it. When you were missing it was like we were all incomplete somehow … it was like a piece of us was missing and now that you're back we're whole again." Sam said his sweet side so apparent with every word he spoke softly.

"I'm so glad you're back, Quinn, because it was so quiet without you. We were all quiet with worry and none of us could really sing or bring ourselves to concentrate on anything because one of our own was hurt and in the hospital. Our minds were on you and hoping, praying that you would get better and come back to us soon." Artie said softly and there was a quiet relief in his eyes, "welcome back Quinn. We're glad you're here."

"Q … as much as I hate one Will Schuester and his extremely gelled hair … I'm here too. I can't believe you are standing before me with a much healthier look to you than that girl who had nearly died in the hospital just a week and a half ago. I … if it weren't for the fact that Streisand came to me I would never have known to what extent you had been injured. I would have visited regardless of how injured you were … but hearing from her that you almost died … I think that part of me broke a little inside. I know that I seem cold and emotionless most of the time but Q … you're a special girl to me. There's something about you that reminds me of a young Sue Sylvester … but not nearly as attractive as I was and much kinder than I was at that age." She paused for just a moment to look at me with the softest expression I had ever seen on her face in a room full of people … well just one particular person really, that she had been trying to sabotage for quite some time. "I can say that you're someone I would have missed dearly if you had not been saved … I … I love you as if you were part of my family Quinn." Tears had long since formed in her eyes and just a few tears managed to escape the usually composed and cold woman. She _never_ showed this side of her to _anyone_ who was not her sister Jean and here she was showing it for all of the Glee Club and Mr. Schue and Miss Pillsbury to see. To say that it was a unique sight was the biggest understatement of the century for sure.

"Why does it seem like every time I turn around there's something going on with you Quinn? I mean … I just saw you earlier that day and then … and then something like that had to happen. We were talking and though you were hurt you were okay but … but then you weren't okay and I had to go to the hospital to see you because your girlfriend called me to tell me that something had happened to you. You couldn't even speak when I saw you … you couldn't even tell me what happened to you … I only knew what Rachel told me which wasn't the whole story because she wasn't even there to save you earlier because how could Rachel have known to come and save you. I'm just … I'm so glad that you were planning on meeting up with her because if not for her … I would be watching people lowering you to the ground instead and …" she didn't have the strength to go on anymore than she had. "I would have lost you again when I just got you back." And she came up to me and held me.

Slowly one by one everyone, who was gathered at the front of the room, followed her lead and hugged me in the biggest group hug I had ever had in my entire life.

After everyone had pulled back from this warm hug, Rachel holding me closest other than Holly, Miss Pillsbury spoke, "you've truly been missed Quinn. I have a concern that I would like to talk to you about in my office later on if you don't mind Quinn." She had a concerned look on her face which caused me to wonder what it was exactly for her to have that kind of look on her face.

Present

And so I found myself sitting in her office with her looking at me with a sympathetic look on her face and her hands were clasped in front of her on her desk in a neat way. There was absolute silence for only a moment before she started, "so I'm sure you are wondering why it is I have called you here. Well," she paused and looked at me with the same concerned look as she had earlier on in the day, "I know you went through something very traumatic that night your … father came to your house and from seeing you today I can tell that you haven't been sleeping well at all. You look tired, so very tired, and the fatigue has come to the surface very clearly from you having not rested well for the past week or so. Rachel came to me the other day when you were still in the hospital and asked me about what happens when something traumatic happens to someone and if it affects their sleeping pattern or not and I knew immediately she was talking about you even though she didn't mention your name once. Who else could she have been so worried about?" She added the last part quickly because of the slight hurt that must have been showing on my face. I wasn't one to show my emotions easily but even the slightest quirk in facial expression could give away so much more than words did.

It felt like there was something bobbing in the middle of my throat … like something was stuck there … a lump that was making it a little harder to breathe passed and swallow the fears, the worries, that were suddenly engulfing me in the terror of the nightmares that were keeping me awake at night. I was more exhausted than I had ever been in my life … even when I couldn't sleep initially after the night I had first kissed Rachel when she was still with Finn. I slept more then, than I did now after everything that had happened. I would have only just fallen asleep when the nightmare took over and then it left me unable to sleep for the rest of the night and so I was becoming more and more tired … I was becoming completely exhausted and coach had told me this morning to not come to practice seeing the state I was in after the hug was over, after they were done singing for me. She was worried about my health and I couldn't blame her. I looked like a zombie walking around with my head cut off with how fatigued I had become.

"So … what are you trying to tell me Miss Pillsbury? I don't … I don't understand what it is you're trying to say to me." I was becoming very emotional but I forced myself to rein it in before it got to the point where I would gasp for breath and need to show the true weakness in my body by using my inhaler in front of yet another person. I would have to expose my weakness to another person I didn't want to expose myself to at all. That would just be another blow to me.

She handed me a pamphlet entitled 'When Something Traumatic Happens To You', "Quinn, please calm down. I'm just trying to suggest something to you … something serious that I need you to truly think over carefully and come back to me with a decision within a week. This is something that I believe would benefit you greatly due to what occurred ten days ago." She paused, took a deep breath, and then continued with a steady voice, "I would like to suggest for you to go to therapy. I am suggesting that you see a therapist because what you have gone through is something so traumatic it is causing you to relive your trauma every night after you sleep which is not good for your health at all and it is causing your loved ones concern. Therapy can benefit you greatly because you went through something very terrifying and it is causing you to lose sleep and sooner or later you are going to have a mental break down and you might snap. You might have a psychotic break if you don't take this seriously and there have been cases where people who have had a traumatic experience end up killing the one who caused them to have their psychotic break and they don't remember it. They end up in places I don't want to see you going to Quinn." She looked at me with soft, concerned eyes. "Please think about it carefully and here's something else I want you to have Quinn." She handed me a piece of paper with several practice names and their telephone numbers. They were all for psychological services. She signed my pass to see her and I was off to study hall. I had half an hour left before it was over and I knew I needed to talk to Rachel. I needed to talk to her about this and ask her honest opinion … I knew I also needed to talk to my cousin.

Rachel was sitting in an armchair with Brittany and Santana across from her, the seat next to her was piled with books most likely so that when I came back I could sit right next to her and we could hold hands discreetly. I could see that they weren't having a happy discussion because they all seemed to have similar looks of concern on their faces as they spoke in hushed tones. The closer I got the more I could hear but they were whispering so softly I couldn't make out what they were saying I could only hear that they were speaking. They all looked so serious and the moment I approached Santana noticed and looked my way. "Quinn! Come over here." Though she was only speaking normally I could see that one of the librarian assistants noticed but she didn't say anything and only went back to shelving a stack of books she had in her hands in the rather large library.

I obediently went over to them and Rachel, who was busy moving her things to the table in front of her, looked up and smiled at me warmly but she couldn't quite cover up the look of concern evident on her face from seeing my tired face. The moment I sat down her hand found its way to mine and our fingers interlaced naturally with each other. I took comfort in the feel of her hand in my own and I looked over at her with a smile on my face which she returned happily.

"So what were you just talking about? Anything I should be worried about?" I asked when they all exchanged uncertain looks.

"We were just talking about you actually, Q." Santana stated. I couldn't read the expression on her face.

"It's nothing to worry about … we were just discussing about options of how we can possibly help you with your sleeping problem. We're all very worried about you and we were just trying to think of ways to help you sleep better because quite honestly Quinn … you look completely exhausted. How much sleep have you been getting lately?" Rachel was as blunt as ever.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes in thought. I had to have been getting at least an hour or two each night but not much more than that from what I could remember. "I've been … well I've been sleeping for maybe an hour or two maybe a little bit more than that but not by much from what I can tell." I said hesitantly. I knew that Rachel, Brittany, and Santana would not be happy about this. They just barely managed to keep their voices down, Santana had choked on her own spit and was now coughing and sputtering, Rachel just squeezed my hand while her eyes bugged, and Brittany … well Brittany was looking at me with sad eyes.

"Is that really all you've been sleeping Quinn?" Brittany asked me with a soft, concerned tone of voice.

I nodded. "Yeah … it's been exhausting waking up from the … nightmares I've been having but I've been surviving nonetheless. I just …" I thought my words over carefully, "I just can't seem to sleep any longer than that because every time I close my eyes to sleep … _he's_ there. He's trying to kill me over and over and over again and it's not the same way … not anymore. The first few dreams it was always him trying the same way … he had tried to choke me so I dreamed that he was choking me the first few nights but now … now it's been getting worse and worse. When it first started happening I would be asleep for a few good hours before I woke up in a cold sweat from the dreams, the nightmares that woke me up so cruelly." I took a deep breath and squeezed Rachel's hand even tighter in my own and she squeezed back.

"Keep talking Q. We need to know more if we're going to be able to help you with this at all Q." Santana said, her kindness coming to the surface despite our surroundings being a very public place. Santana had never shown this side of herself so openly before and it caused me to pause for a moment to see such sincere emotions coming from her because I remembered how adamantly she refused to admit that she had feelings for Brittany during so many parties even though she wouldn't allow her near others. She was always using the excuse of her being her best friend and protecting her from the guys who would take advantage of her because of Brittany being so innocent and so trusting of others. "We want to help you so much because we care about you."

I nodded and took a deep breath and I felt a reassuring squeeze from Rachel and that gave me the courage to continue. "We're here for you Quinn." Rachel whispered softly, encouragingly.

I took another deep breath and let it out slowly before I steeled myself for what I was about to tell them next. "In these nightmares … these dreams I've been having … my father has been attempting to kill me in several. He strangled me at first but then … there have been dreams where he … he kidnapped me and dumped me into a lake or … some large body of water. And these last couple … he's kidnapped me and driven me into a car crash and each every time I wake up I'm hyperventilating and I nearly have an asthma attack because of it all. I … I'm terrified of sleeping now but eventually I can't take it anymore and I just … I crash, no pun intended, and then I wake up to the cold sweat, hyperventilating, but worst of all … I wake up to fear." It was silent between us and only just now did the background noise actually register in my circle of awareness. There was the sound of keys tapping as students typed up papers or researched online, the sound of a teacher calling out a ten minute warning to her students, the sound of books being moved as the librarian assistants on duty continued to shelve books, the sound of hushed voices speaking … it was only now that I actually registered it all. I then remembered that there was something I wanted to tell them. I broke the silence that had befallen us, "Miss Pillsbury asked me to see her today. It was … it was about seeking counseling through therapy. She said that it would be prudent of me to do so because of the traumatic event I went through and she also told me that Rachel had come to her to ask what a traumatic event can do someone and without Rachel mentioning my name Miss Pillsbury figured out that she was referring to me. It doesn't take a genius to figure that out and honestly … I … I think I should but … I don't know how to start, what to say, what to do when it comes for asking for this kind of help … and then there's the fact that I have to ask my mother about it too." There was another lapse of silence before I once again broke it. "So … what do you think about this?"

Rachel was the first to speak up, "I think it's an excellent idea because I think you really need to talk about this to someone … to a professional who can give you real advice and help beyond what we can as your friends … and girlfriend," she whispered the last part softly so no one could overhear her say something so personal. "You should really consider it Quinn and if you need help you always have Brittany, Santana, and me by your side to help you on your way. You can also confide in Holly too and if you need help talking to your mom you have all of us to help you talk to her. You are never alone Quinn." She said with a fierce passion in her tone of voice and a look of determination in her eyes and on her face.

"You know your mom loves you Quinn and that she would do anything for you. She accepted your relationship with Rachel so she can accept that you need all of the help you can get." Brittany spoke for the first time in a long while, since inquiring about my sleepless and restless nights. "She also wants what is best for you and if it's to go to therapy to talk to someone then she will do whatever it takes to make sure you're okay and better too." Brittany gave me a smile as she spoke her next words, bringing a smile on my face too, "Lord Tubbington might be hooked on ecstasy and he might smoke a lot but he would want to protect you and help you too!" Brittany's out of this world and off the wall comments never failed to bring a smile to my face even in the tensest of moments.

Santana spoke next, her voice soft but certain, "no matter what it takes to get you better Quinn … we're in this together because we are the Unholy Trinity … and girlfriend now. If it takes fucking therapy then you're going to fucking therapy to set yourself straight and get yourself better so you can dream about Berry and whatever else you dream about these days." And Santana counteracted Brittany's comments by making me blush with whatever she came up with. "That's right, if you were having wet dreams about her before you're going to have them again in no time!" Santana truly had no shame in her and that definitely was something I could never get used to no matter what situation arose from it. Santana was not the kind of person who got embarrassed about what she said, _ever_.

I knew then what I was going to do next … I was going to talk to my cousin and then I would talk to my mother later on tonight. I would tell her about everything that had been discussed today. Tomorrow would be Friday and so that meant that I would have an entire weekend to think about what I wanted to do and perhaps get in some Rachel time too. I knew that if I had her by my side I would definitely be able to sleep better because she always made me feel at ease. She always made me feel better no matter what the situation was and it always left me feeling warm inside. I had fallen asleep in her arms before and it was the most wonderful feeling I had ever experienced in my life. Well perhaps the second because her kisses were much better at easing me than any hug no matter how warm or tight. There was just something about feeling her lips pressing against mine that made me feel as if all of my worries didn't really exist and that there was nothing wrong in this world. Just one kiss and I was undone … I couldn't think about anything else or feel anything other than her lips pressing against mine in a wonderful dance that never failed to leave me feeling breathless and so in love, so very loved.

The bell rang signaling the next class and Brittany and Santana went their separate ways from us since Rachel and I had English together next, we just so happened to sit right next to each other in the back of this class. Rachel was going to torture me with her sinfully long, tan legs that were just made to be worshipped and loved by a young woman like me. Oh the things this minx did to me continuously.

Sorry for the wait everyone but I kind of expected this to take a little bit longer since I was a bit busy this week with having fun with the family at an amusement park called Kennywood.^^ We had a blast even though my older sister and I ended up standing in one place for an hour waiting for our mother and baby sister to finally show up. Definitely not a high light of the trip but it was still fun all the same.^^ Sorry for the chapter being a little bit shorter than my usual length in chapters but since I felt like there was a bit of a time crunch here it is only slightly shorter than usual.

I sincerely hope that this chapter was review worthy since I stayed up until 3:30 AM to write it.

姫宮光る


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